My wife has a BSN, no longer nursing, she doesn't want to be in nursing, fine. But she refuses to look at other areas that she could use her degree in and she has 0% drive to find better employment, I think that she has no self confidence or something. She worked as a checker at Safeway for years and now upon our move to TN she applied and is going to work at Mcdonalds for $7 an hour.
I start LPN school on tuesday and am retired military and I work pt as a PCT at a local hospital. I make over $11 an hour with night diff, etc. That with my retirement is what we are living on. Meanwhile, my wife of 21 years thinks that Cable is a necessity, etc.
I'm so tired of having to try work and go to school, while my wife would rather work for $7 an hour instead of putting out some effort to find a decent paying job.
Ugh.
Tony in TN
Oh almost forgot, any ideas on what she could do with a BSN, no active license and can do attitude?? I'm thinking work at Mcdonalds :-)
Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.
I don't think the OP was arrogant, either. In addition, I can't really say that he is being disrespectful about his wife because we are all posting anonymously, and have no idea who this person is. I would be frustrated as well. I just think that they need counseling, and the wife has to see how her actions are affecting not just herself, but can be bringing someone else down. If she was in the process of working through some of this, that is one thing, but if she is working menial jobs and making demands to have things out of their financial means, it needs to be addressed, or the OP may have to make a decision to sink or swim without her.
Truth is we all know there isn't any point in trying to find things to make her change so I have suggestions for you. I hope that you take it in the good spirit that I intend. Why won't you to consider:
a. Get a better paying job? Personally I think working as a tech while in nursing school is over-rated due to the horrible pay and back breaking work. The experience is helpful for basic skills but the truth is many people will graduate with their BSN without ever having worked on the floor.
b. Consider putting off your BS in History for a bit longer. I know its not ideal but it sounds like this degree is costing you money and time that you don't have right now.
I hope you continue to read this and keep replying. One of the best parts of an open forum is that if you put something out there you will get all kinds of replies. The ones that bother me the most are the ones I read a second time to figure out why. OPs that are only written for vent purposes looking for cyber hugs are pretty useless imo. :)
I really think counseling is in order. If your wife will not go, then go by yourself.
Some things that strike me, just reading your posts, is that it sounds to me like your wife hasn't changed at all, but that you have. I could be completely off base here, but it sounds like she's been the same person all this time, and now that things have changed, you are asking her to change. There is nothing wrong with that, so don't think I'm getting down on you. The only problem comes when the other person isn't able or willing to make the changes.
Just to play Devil's Advocate for a moment, it's possible that she sees you as trying to force changes upon her that she never agreed to.
This is where counseling comes in. In counseling, both of you can lay our feelings out on the table in the presence of a non-biased mediator, and work out compromises where both of your needs are being met. Each of you may need to give somewhere along the line, in order to get.
If you can't get her to go to counseling with you, then you should go by yourself. A counselor can assist you with what it appears you are trying to get assistance with here; how to cope with the situation that you are in.
Now, for my personal thoughts; if I were with a partner that was unwilling to meet me in the middle and take my needs into consideration, and stubbornly refused to make any changes that might help me to find more satisfaction in life, I'd be dropping the "D Bomb". The whole point of a relationship is to make life better for one another, and I see absolutely no constructive purpose in staying in a relationship where I am being brought down.
Just wanted to say hi and good luck. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm in East TN, too, working and finishing pre-reqs to get into UT's master's program. (I was at ETSU but changed my focus and think UT would be better, but now I have to take chemistry. :barf01:) I'm an 'older' second-career RN and understand what 'overwhelmed' feels like, so you're welcome to PM anytime you want local support. Southerners are good for that. Sounds like you had a great day at work yesterday. Those kinds of days make it all worth it, don't they?
Tony, the only person who I see as changing is you. What I mean is, your wife of 21 years has always enjoyed the luxuries of life, yes? And she still wants those things, but is not willing to put in the work to get them. Apparently, you have always been expected to provide those things.
She's been out of nursing long enough that you say she no longer has an active license. Depending on your State BON, she might just need a refresher course, or she might have to re-take the NCLEX-RN entirely. Her BSN means squat without a valid license.
That said, SHE isn't about to do any of those things unless she wants to. Your unhappiness over the current financial situation is obviously not enough to motivate her; what makes you think providing her with a list of possible new jobs will?
Counseling, as has been said several times so far, is needed just for the survival of your marriage--if it honestly can be saved. I want to be optimistic here, but it just sounds like the two of you have moved into different directions entirely: your wife wants to get just enough money to get by (and whatever she doesn't make, figures you will so you can hand it over). You, on the other hand, are busting butt to get further education and a better job for better income for you both. In your world, you're working for the good of you as a couple. In your wife's world, she appears to be interested in what's good for her--no couple planning needed.
Time to figure out what's more important to you: continuing as is, and accepting that your wife will always "leach" off of you to some degree. Accept that she wants no responsibilities greater than wiping down the lunch counter and counting change. OR....don't accept it, offer her the ultimatum of pulling her weight equally, or you two need to divvy up the assets and move on with your lives. And then follow through with it.
You can't force anyone into a "can do" attitude. Only person you can EVER change, truly, is yourself.
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Hi Tony!
I'm no marriage counselor, but I have been through a similar situation, only it was reversed---I was the one with all the ambition and drive, and my husband seemed content to just muddle through on minimum-wage jobs. We grew apart while I was in nursing school, and came very, very close to splitting up because I felt he was holding me back. I wanted a better life. I was busting my butt working part-time at the hospital as an aide, going to school fulltime, plus raising a family........and he was happy just puttering around. It was SUPREMELY frustrating!!!
Thanks to some counseling, however, we learned that he suffered from a form of depression known as dysthymia.......a chronic, low-grade depression that doesn't make one totally unable to cope with life, but causes low self-esteem and lack of motivation among other things. A short course (several months) of antidepressant medication for him and some private counseling for me saved our marriage. One of the most important things my therapist said was "You can work out your problems in this relationship, or in the next one.........it's your choice." Well, with 15 years (at the time) of shared history and four kids, it seemed like the best thing to do was to stay in the marriage and help him catch up to where I was.
Thankfully, he was willing to come along...........but if we hadn't had that counseling and if he hadn't been treated for his dysthymia, it probably wouldn't have happened. We're well into middle age now and he works part-time at a low-wage job, but he doesn't LOSE jobs anymore---his last two jobs lasted for a total of nine years. I'm ambitious enough for the both of us, and I make enough money that we can afford for him to be semi-retired and do a job that he really enjoys. But that took acceptance---he had to accept the fact that I wanted a better life than he was willing or able to provide, and I had to accept the fact that he was never going to take the lead on the breadwinning issue. What I get from HIM is total and unconditional love and support, and that's worth far more than anything money can buy.
It sounds to me like your wife has the same kind of low-grade, chronic depression, as well as a fear of success (like another poster said). I myself know what that's like..........succeeding at something means that people will have expectations of you that you may be afraid you can't live up to. I would imagine that this is one of your wife's main issues and contributes to her underachievement. But I can tell you, it's a scary feeling! And I still feel that fear every day of my life, but I just push it aside and do what I need to do anyway. With proper therapy and/or medication, your wife may one day be able to do the same...........please give her that chance.
OP, you could just stop paying the money for these luxuries, ie cancel the cable television, cancel her cell phone(if you are footing the bill for that)etc. That may provide some motivation for her to find some better work. Tough love certainly, but you have to start looking after yourself, too.
OP, when you post in a public forum such as this one you end up getting all kinds of replies. Some are helpful, some are condescending, some are way out there, whatever. In my experience, the more details you give about the situation the more helpful the replies are. If you don't give out much info, responders tend to guess and make more replies that may seem confrontational or condescending.
Wish you the best. Sounds like a difficult situation, that you've been tolerating way too long. But I doubt that your finding out suggestions for work for your wife is gonna do much good, as from your report of your wife sounds like she doesn't want to change anything.
You said your wife has a BSN but no active license. What work has she done in the past with the BSN? Has she ever had an active license, and why does she not have one now?
I feel compelled to post just because I've been on both sides. I'm currently on SSDI for bipolar disorder...but that was granted to me several years ago when I was VERY unstable; I would not have been safe to be in any job, McDonald's or nursing. My hubby is an over the road truck driver and makes decent money but when I had to stop my full time nursing job, we took an awful downward spiral. We even had to file bankruptcy, something I am still to this day, very ashamed of. I lost some friends too because they didn't and probably still don't, understand mental illness. Back then I was very psychotic, hearing voices, seeing awful things crawling out of walls...it was quite traumatic.
However, I got on some good meds in 2004 and have since, been very stable. I even have a part time job as a charge nurse at a local nursing home. I do whatever I can to help our family. I've gotten better at being motivated too...I keep a pretty tidy house, I cook (I actually LOVE to cook) and we had just enough money to adopt a beautiful baby boy last summer who is now a year old. I want to work full time, but I want to do what I want, which is either teach nursing or become a nurse practitioner...both of which I need more than an Associate's degree in. So we made the decision that I would go back to school for my BSN and then maybe even my MSN and go back to full time, but hopefully, flex hours so I can still be with my family and do things with them.
I'm also doing this for my dear darling hubby who has put up with me for the past 8 years we've been married...10 years together total. I have a bio son from a previous marriage so we have 2 boys that we love and we are very blessed. It is because of my hubby that I am now stable...well, that and my medications. He stuck by me through thick and thin, just like he vowed to do when we married.
When I go back full/part time after obtaining my degrees, I fully expect hubby to find something that will keep him home at night (right now he is only home 1-2 days on weekends) so we can do things like eat dinner as a family and help the kiddos with homework.
I don't really have any advice for you Tony, just wanted to share my story with you because I have been there too. I hope your wife gets help if she is suffering from MI or anything else, and I hope that you both can work things out.
The one thing that concerns me with the OP is how he depersonalizes his wife by referring to her as "the wife." This may just be because of having to post here; or, it may just be an indication that emotional distancing has already taken place.
It seems as though they spent much of their time separated and did not grow together; but, rather grew apart. It also appears as though they really do not know each other very well. Being in TN, the South, she could have been raised to hold the man responsible for her & lacks ambition or fears success because it would undermine the male authority figure as being the provider. Being a Northerner in the South, I have seen quite a few women that have been taught this as children-leading to very strained relations in modern times where both spouses have to work to survive. It is like a subconcious conflict arises from what was considered the norm from years ago to the demands of modern society. My sister married a Southerner who is having extreme problems with her earning more money than he does because he is supposed to be the primary provider.
With all this said, counseling is certainly in order to open up the lines of communication and discover the underlying conflict these two have.
I do have to say that I admire Tony for staying and trying to find solutions, rather than seeking a divorce. He seems honorable to his commitment regarding 'for better or for worse...' because many just up and leave rather than trying to find solutions and compromises. If his wife has the same type of commitment as he does, they are sure to find common ground through counseling.
I do have to say that I admire Tony for staying and trying to find solutions, rather than seeking a divorce. He seems honorable to his commitment regarding 'for better or for worse...' because many just up and leave rather than trying to find solutions and compromises. If his wife has the same type of commitment as he does, they are sure to find common ground through counseling.
I feel compelled to respond to this comment. I think it's a common misperception that if one seeks a divorce, it means they are "just giving up" and haven't sought solutions and common ground. As a person who sought solutions and common ground for ten years before filing for divorce, I can honestly say that divorce is in no way, shape, or form, an easy way out, nor should it be considered "giving up too easily".
I'm not promoting divorce by any means, and agree that all means to find solutions should be attempted.
Truth is we all know there isn't any point in trying to find things to make her change so I have suggestions for you. I hope that you take it in the good spirit that I intend. Why won't you to consider:
a. Get a better paying job? Personally I think working as a tech while in nursing school is over-rated due to the horrible pay and back breaking work. The experience is helpful for basic skills but the truth is many people will graduate with their BSN without ever having worked on the floor.
b. Consider putting off your BS in History for a bit longer. I know its not ideal but it sounds like this degree is costing you money and time that you don't have right now.
I hope you continue to read this and keep replying. One of the best parts of an open forum is that if you put something out there you will get all kinds of replies. The ones that bother me the most are the ones I read a second time to figure out why. OPs that are only written for vent purposes looking for cyber hugs are pretty useless imo. :)
Agree with Jules about on the purpose of open forums.
And I agree with the other idea-possibly putting off the history BS. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure why OP would push himself to finish a BS in history. ie - What's the payoff going to be when he has an undergrad history degree? (not being mean, i just don't know if a history degree will be worth much.)
pagandeva2000, LPN
7,984 Posts
I don't think the OP was arrogant, either. In addition, I can't really say that he is being disrespectful about his wife because we are all posting anonymously, and have no idea who this person is. I would be frustrated as well. I just think that they need counseling, and the wife has to see how her actions are affecting not just herself, but can be bringing someone else down. If she was in the process of working through some of this, that is one thing, but if she is working menial jobs and making demands to have things out of their financial means, it needs to be addressed, or the OP may have to make a decision to sink or swim without her.