11 Things Your Nurse Thinks (But Will Never Tell You)

Since I've presented my top 10 list of the things I love about nursing, it's time now for a visit to the darker side. Here are some decidedly UN-lovely thoughts I've entertained from time to time:

11 Things Your Nurse Thinks (But Will Never Tell You)

1) If you yell "HELP!" one. more. time. without a really, really, REALLY good reason for it, I am going to come down there, shut the door, and give you a good dose of pillow therapy.

2) Sure, go ahead and sign out AMA. It's your choice. Just a reminder, though: if you leave, your insurance won't pay for your stay. Better yet, you won't be my responsibility anymore.........and believe me, I won't miss you.

3) I don't give a rodent's rump that you're related to the hospital administrator! The AMI patient down the hall who just went into V-tach needs me more than you need another blanket.

4) Thank you for asking me to check out your grandchildrens' photos, but I have a strict policy of never touching patients' wallets, and frankly, I don't have the time to breathe, let alone stand here looking at pictures of people I don't even know.

5) Yanno, when MY doctor prescribes water pills, I take them no matter how much I hate having to pee every 20 minutes. That's why I'm not in here for CHF, and you are.

6) No, "Mamma" is NOT going to get better, and if I were in her shoes, I'd haunt you for the rest of your days for keeping me 'alive' on a ventilator with my wrists tied down so I don't yank on the tubes coming out of my every orifice. She's had two major strokes and an MI, she's full of osteoporosis, and she has an advanced directive saying she didn't want any heroic measures if she ever got into a situation like this. What part of 'Do Not Resuscitate' don't you understand?

7) Please don't come to the ER for a sore throat that you've had for two weeks, demand refills on your soda pop every five minutes, and then complain loudly to your companion about the "lousy service" you're getting.

? Yes, I have seen something like that before. In fact, I've seen things you can't even imagine that are a whole lot worse.

9) It is NOT my job to: answer your phone/find you some napkins/take out your trash/send out for pizza/pick up after your visitors/run a message to your friend down the hall/go to the kitchen to fetch a tray for your brother/cater to your every whim. (I've done all these things and more for my patients; it's just not what I was educated and trained for, and you need to know that.)

10) I apologize for my cynicism, but experience has taught me that multiplying the number of drinks/pills/hits you admit to having taken by three or more tends to give me a more accurate picture of what's really going on with you.

11) I'm actually a very kind, compassionate, caring individual, but some folks make me wonder if God made man NOT in His own image, but so that skunks wouldn't think they've been given a dirty deal.

Have a nice day...........

Your Nurse

11-Things-Your-Nurse-Thinks-But-Will-Never-Tell-You.pdf

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VivaLasViejas

About VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide

I'm a registered nurse and writer who, in better times, has enjoyed a busy and varied career which includes stints as a Med/Surg floor nurse, a director of nursing, a nurse consultant, and an assistant administrator. And when I'm not working as a nurse, I'm writing about nursing right here at allnurses.com and putting together the chapters for a future book about---what else?---nursing.

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Specializes in Med Surg, ER, OR.

This is so true! I feel this way so many times, and would love to look at a pt and tell it to their faces!!!

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Specializes in Oncology/Haemetology/HIV.

Not to mention the, "There are some people that are alive only because the laundry chute is out of order and I have no place put the body.

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Specializes in interested in NICU!!.

i just can't believe people act like that. i've only been in the hospital twice and the last time the nurse that was caring for me even came to my room to say 'good bye' she said that i made things easier for her compared to other patients. i never called or pushed that button. she would actually pop her head in the room to see if i needed something but i was always sleeping. i was being induced to have my first child and i needed all the rest i could get, so i was sleeping the whole time. the nurse even shed a tear or two when she said good bye, i wish i could remember her name, but honestly i was resting up to the time that they said, 'it's time to push'.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
i just can't believe people act like that. i've only been in the hospital twice and the last time the nurse that was caring for me even came to my room to say 'good bye' she said that i made things easier for her compared to other patients. i never called or pushed that button. she would actually pop her head in the room to see if i needed something but i was always sleeping. i was being induced to have my first child and i needed all the rest i could get, so i was sleeping the whole time. the nurse even shed a tear or two when she said good bye, i wish i could remember her name, but honestly i was resting up to the time that they said, 'it's time to push'.

see, i'm the same way. i know how hard those nurses work, and i'm not about to bother them for something i can do for myself. i even chart my own i & o's and fix my own telemetry leads.:chuckle

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Well this makes me look forward to my career in nursing (:

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#12 ) woosahhhhh!!

Loves it!

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Specializes in geriatrics.

That is great and so true, I love it!!

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Another fine list, Marla. As always, you put into words what many of us are thinking.

You can tell how long someone has been a nurse by the thickness of the callus she has from biting her tongue. :D

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Specializes in Home Health, SNF.

Marla:

A great post, as always. How about, No, I am really not paid to clean up your ****. An actual statement by one really challenging resident.

Roxann:yeah::nurse::redbeathe

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HaHa. I have thought and said every single one of these things (and worse). I have to say you were pretty nice about it. Friends and family who aren't nurses think I am evil if I say stuff like that. If they only knew that there are thousands of us that think that way.

It is sad because the people who whine and complain the most are in the best shape on the floor. In fact some my favorite patients to take care of are the para/hemiplegics. I won't say which ones are the worst. They often need you the most and ask the least, without complaining (even when they should). Sometimes I just want to bring the whiny patients in the rooms with the worse off patients just to show them that when they get to that point they can whine all they want, then I'll be sympathetic and apologetic and that their complaining are causing us give less care to the ones who need it and deserve us most. Wow. I kind of went off didn't I???

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Specializes in medical surgical.

Very well said, hahaha :yeah:How I wish I can say all those things to those whinning patients straight to their faces...:yeah:But I better not...:yeah:...........Good thing we nurses had developed the virtue of patience,.........

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