11 Things Your Nurse Thinks (But Will Never Tell You)

[VivaLasViejas]

1) If you yell "HELP!" one. more. time. without a really, really, REALLY good reason for it, I am going to come down there, shut the door, and give you a good dose of pillow therapy.

2) Sure, go ahead and sign out AMA. It's your choice. Just a reminder, though: if you leave, your insurance won't pay for your stay. Better yet, you won't be my responsibility anymore.........and believe me, I won't miss you.

3) I don't give a rodent's rump that you're related to the hospital administrator! The AMI patient down the hall who just went into V-tach needs me more than you need another blanket.

4) Thank you for asking me to check out your grandchildrens' photos, but I have a strict policy of never touching patients' wallets, and frankly, I don't have the time to breathe, let alone stand here looking at pictures of people I don't even know.

5) Yanno, when MY doctor prescribes water pills, I take them no matter how much I hate having to pee every 20 minutes. That's why I'm not in here for CHF, and you are.

6) No, "Mamma" is NOT going to get better, and if I were in her shoes, I'd haunt you for the rest of your days for keeping me 'alive' on a ventilator with my wrists tied down so I don't yank on the tubes coming out of my every orifice. She's had two major strokes and an MI, she's full of osteoporosis, and she has an advanced directive saying she didn't want any heroic measures if she ever got into a situation like this. What part of 'Do Not Resuscitate' don't you understand?

7) Please don't come to the ER for a sore throat that you've had for two weeks, demand refills on your soda pop every five minutes, and then complain loudly to your companion about the "lousy service" you're getting.

? Yes, I have seen something like that before. In fact, I've seen things you can't even imagine that are a whole lot worse.

9) It is NOT my job to: answer your phone/find you some napkins/take out your trash/send out for pizza/pick up after your visitors/run a message to your friend down the hall/go to the kitchen to fetch a tray for your brother/cater to your every whim. (I've done all these things and more for my patients; it's just not what I was educated and trained for, and you need to know that.)

10) I apologize for my cynicism, but experience has taught me that multiplying the number of drinks/pills/hits you admit to having taken by three or more tends to give me a more accurate picture of what's really going on with you.

11) I'm actually a very kind, compassionate, caring individual, but some folks make me wonder if God made man NOT in His own image, but so that skunks wouldn't think they've been given a dirty deal.

Have a nice day...........

Your Nurse

11-Things-Your-Nurse-Thinks-But-Will-Never-Tell-You.pdf

[seasonedlpn]

I've become more cynical with each passing year. after over 30 years as a nurse, I can honestly say that I would have loved to tell certain patients or family members where to take their complaints! Now I work home Hospice....some problems can only be solved with a nice funeral.

[SAHMBACK2SCHOOL]

Uggh, I guess I should take advantage of all the free time I have now while just taking prereqs for nursing program.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I've been a bedside nurse for 4 years now and I never find these little rants funny. Maybe I'm lucky that the majority of my patients don't act the way you describe. I do my share of complaining with my colleagues, but your post comes off as hateful and arrogant.

I'm sorry you feel that way. And yes, you are indeed fortunate if you rarely encounter the sort of behaviors described here.

In my defense: most of the membership here---not to mention my residents at the nursing home---would probably say I'm one of the least hateful and arrogant people they know. On the whole, I love my job and the people I take care of........but after some 15 years in this business, the bloom is definitely off the rose. And there are very few health professionals who don't develop a bit of cynicism along the way.......with the abuse we take from patients, families, management, and the public, it's a survival skill.

It's OK that you don't enjoy these 'little rants' as you call them---they are not required reading---but you may want to reconsider judging your fellow nurses until you've walked in their worn-out Crocs for another 10 years or so. Thanks.

[seasonedlpn]

Ah yes...the bud of innocence that blooms in all new nurses. I, too, was blissful when I first started...but so much death, rotting flesh and pain, and cynicism becomes a ready self defense mechanism. I wanted to change the world...now, I'm happy to just change my socks. May you always find nursing rewarding.

[bgood1967]

As someone who did check out of a hospital AMA, I have to let you know that some insurances do pay. Mine paid 100%. Perhaps it was because my surgeon suggested I leave because of the attending doc and sent me directly to a specialist. The nurses there were awesome despite having to deal with me. They are one of the reasons I'm in nursing school now.

Sometimes being snarky online is all we have so we can turn around and smile at the patients in real life. I was a CNA long enough to realize that during that shift I am "on stage" playing a wonderful, funny, friendly aide, but I need to vent somewhere to someone afterward. Some of you guys are too funny (love the laundry shoot).

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

I've been a bedside nurse for 4 years now and I never find these little rants funny. Maybe I'm lucky that the majority of my patients don't act the way you describe. I do my share of complaining with my colleagues, but your post comes off as hateful and arrogant.

To be fair, if you're an Onc. nurse (going by your profile), all of your patients have very real problems and complaints. Perhaps that gives you a different perspective?

FWIW, as someone who has been around here for a while, I have seen many, many instances where the OP has demonstrated levels of compassion and understanding that many people are not capable of. If she needs to vent from time to time, there are those here who will choose to give her the support she needs. She has done her fair share of supporting the rest of us, many a time.

[old ICU nurse]

AMEN!! That is a great list!!! I am glad to know that I am not the only one!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Oh, far from it! In fact, I think most nurses would admit to having the occasional not-so-angelic thought, especially when they're dealing with a patient or family that's being a PITA.

I'm ordinarily a very patient human being myself, but even I have my limits. Like when this one resident on my wing has been yelling "Help! Help! Help!' in a loud monotone for two solid hours. And beating the living snot out of the aides who try to help him. And causing 28 other people to lose sleep. And the Ativan, trazadone and Vicodin I gave him an hour ago haven't even fazed him............I mean, who WOULDN'T want to rock him to sleep with a 10-pound rock?? :chuckle

[nervousnurse, ASN]

LOVE this list---perfect!!!!!!

[Pepper The Cat, BSN, RN]

Great post!

We have a couple of pts on our unit right now that I would really, really love to use pillow therapy on! In fact, I offered to aliby one nurse who was wanting to do it. "Nurse Z was with me for the past 1/2 hour cleaning up a major code brown. She wasn't any where near Pt X when he suddenly stopped breathing"

[junebug50]

This list is great. I would like to add one more. Yes I am glad your family come to see you but the hospital isn't the place for a family reunion. Trust me I have seen this, and when you ask them to please limit visitors and to trade off in grandma's room they get offended.!!!!!!!!!! Hello this is a hospital.

[belgarion]

Another suggestion:

"If your mother is so hard up for ice this second why don't YOU go to the machine and fill her pitcher? It's easy to find. It's right next to the coffee pot you have visited 17 times today. That way I can concentrate on the patient who just pulled a BBG of 35"