11 Things Your Nurse Thinks (But Will Never Tell You)
Since I've presented my top 10 list of the things I love about nursing, it's time now for a visit to the darker side. Here are some decidedly UN-lovely thoughts I've entertained from time to time:
1) If you yell "HELP!" one. more. time. without a really, really, REALLY good reason for it, I am going to come down there, shut the door, and give you a good dose of pillow therapy.
2) Sure, go ahead and sign out AMA. It's your choice. Just a reminder, though: if you leave, your insurance won't pay for your stay. Better yet, you won't be my responsibility anymore.........and believe me, I won't miss you.
3) I don't give a rodent's rump that you're related to the hospital administrator! The AMI patient down the hall who just went into V-tach needs me more than you need another blanket.
4) Thank you for asking me to check out your grandchildrens' photos, but I have a strict policy of never touching patients' wallets, and frankly, I don't have the time to breathe, let alone stand here looking at pictures of people I don't even know.
5) Yanno, when MY doctor prescribes water pills, I take them no matter how much I hate having to pee every 20 minutes. That's why I'm not in here for CHF, and you are.
6) No, "Mamma" is NOT going to get better, and if I were in her shoes, I'd haunt you for the rest of your days for keeping me 'alive' on a ventilator with my wrists tied down so I don't yank on the tubes coming out of my every orifice. She's had two major strokes and an MI, she's full of osteoporosis, and she has an advanced directive saying she didn't want any heroic measures if she ever got into a situation like this. What part of 'Do Not Resuscitate' don't you understand?
7) Please don't come to the ER for a sore throat that you've had for two weeks, demand refills on your soda pop every five minutes, and then complain loudly to your companion about the "lousy service" you're getting.
?Yes, I have seen something like that before. In fact, I've seen things you can't even imagine that are a whole lot worse.
9) It is NOT my job to: answer your phone/find you some napkins/take out your trash/send out for pizza/pick up after your visitors/run a message to your friend down the hall/go to the kitchen to fetch a tray for your brother/cater to your every whim. (I've done all these things and more for my patients; it's just not what I was educated and trained for, and you need to know that.)
10) I apologize for my cynicism, but experience has taught me that multiplying the number of drinks/pills/hits you admit to having taken by three or more tends to give me a more accurate picture of what's really going on with you.
11) I'm actually a very kind, compassionate, caring individual, but some folks make me wonder if God made man NOT in His own image, but so that skunks wouldn't think they've been given a dirty deal.
Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.
Oh, far from it! In fact, I think most nurses would admit to having the occasional not-so-angelic thought, especially when they're dealing with a patient or family that's being a PITA.
I'm ordinarily a very patient human being myself, but even I have my limits. Like when this one resident on my wing has been yelling "Help! Help! Help!' in a loud monotone for two solid hours. And beating the living snot out of the aides who try to help him. And causing 28 other people to lose sleep. And the Ativan, trazadone and Vicodin I gave him an hour ago haven't even fazed him............I mean, who WOULDN'T want to rock him to sleep with a 10-pound rock?? :chuckle
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Sometimes, it gets just about that desperate.........and every nurse has had those moments, whether they admit it or not.
Now, seriously: I wouldn't want it thought that I'd EVER wish harm on anyone, but every nursing unit in every facility in every corner of the planet has at least one patient and/or family whom nobody likes to deal with. We are only human, after all; no one enjoys being threatened, punched, kicked, called names, pinched, cursed, or having a stream of used chewing tobacco aimed at their eyes. So we fantasize........my latest involves one of our charmers, a combative, foulmouthed resident with an even fouler stench due to the fact that he hasn't bathed or allowed a change of clothing in weeks. I'd love to invent a machine that can be operated by remote control to drop him into a giant bathtub containing a gallon of soap, an agitator, and a scrubber that will get him, his clothes AND his potty mouth clean without anyone having to touch him and get a shiner for their efforts. HA!
Specializes in Peds Critical Care, Dialysis, General.
Marla -
Loved the 10lb rock thing! And that Haldol thing is a hoot!
In my case, it's usually the parents and family causing the major brouhaha. Sometimes we get the diva/king of the hill kid. I really wish we could spray ativan/prozac, anything. And the unwashed, stinky families - yuck! Had one kid who insisted he couldn't swallow a tylenol cap, I'd had to give him liquid (would have used up a lot of the stuff). I told him he had 2 choices - the pill or up the rear. He learned how to swallow rather quickly.
We had a patient the other night whose family signed her out ama. She had had an MI and other comorbitidys and she became so confused and violent to staff the it was considered wise to restrain her. The family did not like this and wanted to transfer her to another hospital in a town about an hour away. The doc at the other hospital would not take her. So the family decided to take her home. The doc caring for her at our hospital said if they can take care of her at home (so they think) then send here home. I'm waiting to see if I know how long they last
To be fair, if you're an Onc. nurse (going by your profile), all of your patients have very real problems and complaints. Perhaps that gives you a different perspective?
Fellow Onc nurse here who has had all of the same thougts and more as the OP. People from all walks of life get cancer, including jerks. Their CA diagnoses usually don't erase this wonderful side of their personalities. Occasionally it serves as a wake-up call, but usually not. That being said, social clods and their dysfunctional families that helped to make them that way are an everyday fact of life in my world.
We had one that used to purposely move her bowels on the floor and she told the aide (to her face) that she did that b/c she knew the aide would have to clean it up. This wasn't brain mets talking, just pure nastiness. Yes, part of me hoped she would slip and fall in it when she finished. But not on my shift, I didn't need the extra paperwork. :chuckle
I barely restrained from voicing this one out loud to a patient's girlfriend. He was detoxing, on the vent, wild and combative despite major sedation.
"Oh, I am so sorry he can't afford his meds. Perhaps if he didn't drink two CASES of beer a day and smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he could afford them. Or better yet, he might not even NEED the meds."
Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.
You know, I understand that this post is funny but as I reviewed it I found that I had ACTUALLY said similar things to people in the past (and might in the future). After all these years I have finally learned that these people are adults. And they have to suffer the consequences of their actions (or rather WE have to suffer). So when the guy can't breath but wants to go down and smoke, go ahead. Just sign this AMA form first. You don't want your antibiotics, OK, that's fine with me. It is your foot that is going to rot and fall off, not mine. You want to call your lawyer, let me get the phone for you and you can call him now. You want to talk to the administrator, let me call him for you. I have said all these things to people. Not these old, little confused people, but this walking, talking stupid people who expect you to look and act like the "nurse" in the Media movie or something.
When I worked in Houston there was this consumer reporter for one of the news stations named Marvin Zindler. He had a very loud mouth and was always on someone's rear end about something (but in reality he was a real nice guy). I had this lady walk up to triage and express her profound dislike of the time she was having to wait to be seen. " I am going to call Marvin Zindler about this!!" she yells at me. I handed her the phone and told her "call him now. Perhaps he can get me some help up here". She went away.
You know, I will take all the time in the world to explain medications, treatments and the plan of care to any patient or their family. I do it every day. As the charge nurse on my floor sometimes I have the extra time to do this and I don't mind at all. But if I explain it and they still don't want it, then it is their choice. I hate it when the doctor writes an order that says "DO NOT ALLOW PATIENT TO LEAVE THE FLOOR" for a patient who is awake, alert and oriented. I am not the police. These people are not under arrest. I can't make these people stay on the floor. I can stop their PCA and pull their IV out but that's about it. I can't tie them down. I am 54 years old. Do they expect me to take down these patients? Then they tell me to call security. Well, they can't hold them either. They are not the police. Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and just tell everyone around me "just do what ever you want to do. Just pretend I am not here".
I would like to say I am a Onc.-Med Surg. nurse for 2 years now. I was an CNA for 6 years then A LPN for 5 while taking my BSN classes. I would love to take care of nothing but oncology patients, but due to bed needs in the hospital we have alot of med-surg. Oh, I am sorry you have had a lap-coly, but you will live, meanwhile let me take you down the hall to my really sick people that need me. I love my oncology patients, and I give them the best of me that I can, but I truly have felt like giving some patients and family members pillow treatment. Does that make me anyless a good nurse I don't think so, it just makes me human. Keep the threads coming they are priceless.
Love it. Thought it all, said some of it, want to say but can't most of it. This is our safe haven to rant. We need to let it out so we can go back and take care of these people, no matter how stupid, dirty, combative, uncoperative, etc. Just for that one moment when we are thanked and it is all made worth it -- until the next moron comes along.
BBFRN, BSN, PhD
3,779 Posts
this one's for you, Viva. :chuckle