Spouse of nurse

twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN · Aug 31, 2019

On 8/30/2019 at 11:41 AM, martymoose said:
Question.We all know nursing makes decent money.Those with spouses who are not nurses who make much less money ,do you have increased discord in the marriage ?Spouse has no interest in pursuing education ( kinda dont blame him,we are in our 50 's) ,but makes 50 percent less than me. There is now a big financial strain with cost of living(taxes went up, utilities went wayyy up,gas,old car repairs,etc) I cant stand it anymore.
Am i being realistic to think that spouses should at least make equal money ? (And we both work full time)
Opinions please ?

What was unrealistic was when my husband did not work more than occasional part-time, we were struggling, had no ambition for education, and was not actively pursuing full-time work. That happened for many years but I told myself that he did have a severe auto accident where they had to rebuild his hip and he was in pain doing what he was used to doing. Thankfully now, he is working full time and pulls overtime when it is available. But he still does not make near what I make. Do I fault him for this ... no. He is making a huge effort toward the family finances compared to what he did in the past.

Not everyone is ready for a college education. Give him praise for what he is able to contribute.

There are some people who go into a marriage and tell their future spouse that they have expectations for them to be the breadwinner. I give them credit for being honest in the beginning even though I don't think this will set up a couple for a long-lasting relationship especially when hard times hit. I don't think this is an expectation one should have after being married though if it was not an expectation before now.

Oldmahubbard · Aug 31, 2019

Yes, and employers can look at your DMV report as well as your credit. Apparently there is some perceived correlation between financial and/or driving responsibility and your employability.

RNjuice, ADN, RN · Sep 1, 2019

It’s ok to be frustrated that your spouse doesn’t earn as much as you, especially if they’re not covering their own expenses that might be considered excessive or unnecessary.

That said, I disagree with the rationale that having equal incomes is somehow standard or normal and using that the justify your stance. You don’t need that to justify your stance. Your feelings are your feelings and when it comes to your relationship with your spouse, they matter based on that alone.

I believe a major part of relationships is accepting the people we love or to whom we have made a commitment such as marriage. After all, if we love them, then we would want them to happy and live their lives in the way that makes them happiest. And if we are truly committed, then we accept their decisions anyway, even if we disagree. Barring abusive situations, I think this mentality can help get through this sort of thing. If you are struggling but your spouse doesn’t seem concerned, then that could mean that your standards aren’t being met but your spouse’s are. You can be happy that your spouse is satisfied and you can make an effort on your own to meet whatever your own financial standards may be rather than demanding someone else to live in a way that makes them unhappy so that you can be happier. Additional education or a job change could also get you more money in the same way that it could get your spouse more money, and that would mean that you’re pursuing what matters to you and your spouse is doing what matters to them, which is a win win.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue with your spouse. Finances are tricky and some people never figure them out. I supported my family (my autistic son and his mother) as the only income on $10 an hour with no help for many years, including through nursing school. In the process, I had zero debt and while it wasn’t luxurious, it was comfortable and it was as happy as it could be.

caliotter3 · Sep 1, 2019

4 hours ago, GrumpyRN said:
What? Seriously? Not trying to hijack the thread but is that correct? You Americans have some really poor laws and regulations if an employer can do that.

Checking of credit reports in the employment process is a relatively recent thing with some American employers. The first time I encountered this, I was told that any employment decisions based on that information would occur on a case by case basis.

Chronic Care Coordinator · Sep 1, 2019

This year marks 25 years of married life. All through out, I have earned more but it has been a non issue for us. My husband used to have hangups about making less and it took a lot of convincing for him to trust that I was more into him than into money. At home we have a policy. Home is a safe place and we are a family and not our titles. We have one account. He is better at managing money, so he manages it. We trust each other and speak frankly if the other spouse is doing something that may be an issue. Be honest with each other and ask what you can do as a team to manage expenses. Comforts and bank balances does not provide security and happiness in the long term. Don't lose a marriage but look for opportunities to make your spouse feel loved and cared for. This is the one you promised to stay with through richness,poverty,health and sickness. Tough but doable.At the end of your life how much comfort will money bring you? Thirty years is nothing to sneeze at. God bless! All luck. Take one day at a time, trust in God's providence! I will be praying for you. Peace!

**NickiLaughs, ADN, BSN, RN** · Sep 1, 2019

Unrealistic. I make 3x my husbands income potential, sometimes more. My next biweekly check is gonna be morethan what he could make in 2 months due to overtime. He has a degree and happened to pick the wrong trade. I hold no grudge against him because he is my partner. He worked 14 to 16 hour days to put me through nursing school. We are a team. Our income is ours. It's his money as much as mine.

He actually stays at home with the kids because his entire check would go to daycare anyway. Finances can lead to stress in a relationship. I would look at ways to adjust things because nursing is a separate entity from most other jobs. You cant compare it.

allnurses Guide · Sep 1, 2019

I am sad to hear he won't go to counseling with you. My advice in such situations is to go anyway - by yourself. It will help you sort through what you are feeling and help you examine what to do about it. Either you will get to a better place of coping, feel more empowered to find different employment or you will find out you really don't want to be married anymore and you will get the strength to do something about that.

I think you have shown a lot of grace in this thread and I hope you find some peace of mind, whatever you choose to do. There are no black and white answers here. I am wishing you well.

CharleeFoxtrot, BSN, RN · Sep 1, 2019

11 minutes ago, not.done.yet said:
I am sad to hear he won't go to counseling with you. My advice in such situations is to go anyway - by yourself. It will help you sort through what you are feeling and help you examine what to do about it. Either you will get to a better place of coping, feel more empowered to find different employment or you will find out you really don't want to be married anymore and you will get the strength to do something about that.
I think you have shown a lot of grace in this thread and I hope you find some peace of mind, whatever you choose to do. There are no black and white answers here. I am wishing you well.

I have read this thread over and over thinking of what to say, and this is perfect, especially the bolded part.

Daydreamawake · Sep 2, 2019

I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now, I am praying for you.

JBMmom, MSN, NP · Sep 2, 2019

Martymoose,

I haven't had a chance to read through all the responses, but your original post struck me and I wanted to respond. I think I can understand some of what you're going through. My husband and I have been married 20 years, we started out each working full time jobs, although I made more and knew I always would, this wasn't a problem. Then he was a stay at home parent for a number of years and even then I didn't mind the disparity in income because he was working hard, in a different way, for our family. As our kids neared the ages of all being in school I started asking his plan for returning to work. That's where I realized he really wasn't interested in being inconvenienced by a job. Huh. New realization for me, and a little frustrating. Fast forward a few years and he had picked up a part time handyman job, and I started pushing a bit more for him to either pick up more hours, or work towards something better. Big wall of resistance in return. Finally I was able to skirt that line between supportive and nagging in such a way that he returned to school. He will finish up soon, but in the mean time, he came home one day and mentioned he had quit his part time job. No notice, no explanation, he just said he was fed up. Well, that's fine except we had just made some home purchases a few weeks earlier and knew there were other expenses on the horizon. Now I'm working 50-60 hours a week, plus taking classes and he goes to school for 25 hours a week and then plays video games. He even usually asks me what's for dinner and I try not to bury a spatula in his head.

He does do things around the house. I try to focus on the fact that I'm not mowing the lawn, he cleans the bathrooms and when there is a plan he will make dinner. I try to remember that in 20 years we've had plenty of good times, we have a wonderful family with three great kids. We all have fun together. I think he's going through his own stuff and would probably point a finger right back at me for what's wrong in our marriage. I am totally guilty of not making time with his a priority since our kids came along, and I don't understand that need for validation from someone else to make me happy, so I probably don't give him enough positive feedback. Overall am I totally happy? No, but who is? Is it about money? Partly, because we could sure use some more, and it's a bit frustrating to hear a grown man complain that jobs aren't falling into his lap just because he applied. But, there's more going on and all I can control is me and my reactions. Will it all work out perfectly? Who knows. The kids will grow up and move on, will I still like my husband? Not sure. But I'm not willing to throw away 20 years unless I have a clear understanding of exactly what my issues are and what role I play in them. And with my schedule right now I don't have time to think about it. I guess it's the one thing that makes me happy that he's on the lazier side because I'm 99% sure he won't make a move to leave or change anything himself.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make my response all about me, just wanted to give you a snapshot into my situation, that I think might have some similarities. I wish you all the best, hope that you can find a job that you like more, and maybe some of the problems that seem so big right now, will now seem as insurmountable. Good luck!

Forest2 · Sep 2, 2019

I understand the feelings you have of being resentful. In that you feel you bear the brunt of the responsibilities while the spouse does something less stressful and more enjoyable work. I felt like that some, but I married knowing what I was getting into. Honestly, it is too much to expect that the spouse earns as much as you do. Probably won't happen in my experience. My spouse had no interest except in doing what they wanted to do.

NurseKatie08, MSN · Sep 2, 2019

On 8/30/2019 at 12:33 PM, Rose_Queen said:
Equal salary is not realistic. It also sounds like the issue is only coming up now because of increased expenses or is only a symptom of a deeper issue. That’s not the fault of him having a lower salary- increased costs are happening to everyone. You need to work as a couple to find the best way to deal with the expenses.

Agreed! Depending on your fields and experience level it is not at all realistic. I work part time as a bedside nurse and part time as adjunct faculty and am the breadwinner. My husband had 10 years of experience in one industry and it wasn't going anywhere for him professionally and did not have the opportunities he would have wanted, so he changed careers. In both industries (the first because of the job itself, and the current because of his experience level) he makes less than me. That doesn't matter. We each have strengths that we contribute to our marriage. It's not his money or my money, it's OUR money. We have a joint account, plus our own personal separate accounts and divide things up as appropriate. I don't pay his student loans, he doesn't pay mine, but we both contribute to our mortgage, etc. I think the OP's comments are a symptom of a bigger issue.