Spouse of nurse

fsudmbRN, ASN · Sep 2, 2019

My husband has ALWAYS been the one to make less money in our marriage.... and I have never hounded him to "make more." If anything, I have contribute in non-financial ways. He typically takes off work and goes and gets the kiddos should they need to be picked up from school sick, need to be at practice earlier, etc. At the same time, I have vacation time/sick days... where his job does not.... that means, if kiddos wake up sick or have appointments, I typically take off. We have no problems at all. If we get to the point where we are short, I pick up an extra shift and we budget a bit harder.

This isnt anything new in our relationship. When he did make similar money to me, he was miserable and we didnt see each other because of our schedules. I would gladly take the less money and being able to see each other over that situation.

DextersDisciple, BSN, RN · Sep 4, 2019

@martymoose I get where you’re coming from. My fiancé is an automotive tech and went to automotive school. I always figured I’d make more money no matter who I was going to marry anyway.

At times I had resented that he only makes 1/3 of my salary, but as mentioned multiple times throughout the thread, he makes up for it in other ways. He has had multiple promotions and raises over the past 3 years and gives 110% everyday whether someone is watching or not.

He has no debt (besides half the mortgage) and can afford to pay all of our utilities and cable while still having money to save for the wedding and spending for date night.

The one difference is these thoughts occurred while we were just boyfriend/girlfriend and not after being married for many years. I’m sorry this happening to you after you signed up for something way different many years ago. Best of luck to you.

momoneypls, RN · Sep 5, 2019

I understand your issue completely, because I share the same one. I live in CA, and my spouse has not had a raise since 2000, (he's a newspaper sports editor-a dying breed). I also earn about double what he makes. As a result, we have a hard time keeping up with rising costs. We are also in our late 40s/early 50s.

For awhile, when money was really bad, I was super bitter about this. He would not consider changing jobs and I was upset that I had to tow the line financially, especially working extra shifts.

Eventually, I faced the obvious question: what am I going to do about it? you cannot change people, and at 50 years of age it's a big ask. I stopped working the extra shifts, which just made me bitter and generated a massive tax bill after all was said, and just dealt with it. I stopped doing some of the things I really liked that were costing us too much money, and found other things that were cheaper. We scaled back on cable, phones, travel, a lot of expenses.

It was not right of me to ask anything of him like changing his job, and I still feel bad about it. He works very hard at what he does and he is good at it, and loves it. We will continue to stay in CA as long as we can, but will eventually move to another state so that our earnings will go farther. Fortunately that is an option for us, as he works online and can work anywhere.

Just know that I get it. Try not to get too upset about it because in the end the person you are with deserves better; make peace with it. But you are not alone in your frustration.

Hope this helps

ashagreyjoy · Sep 7, 2019

Brutal honesty. Yes I have discord due to finances. Its not due to me making more money than my spouse now. I dont care if my spouse works a low paying job as long as they are happy. The discord is because of my personal goals. Im not tolerating his inability to budget, curtail useless spending and lack of long term goals. any more. Also I dont drink alcohol and that adds up and Im not paying for his drinking any more. And truth we have other $#!+ going on.

So I got a separate bank account and everyone is now responsible for half the bills. If I choose to be more financially responsible and he doesnt its no longer my problem. When we have a fancy dinner once in a while, I always pick up the check, unless he chooses to order drinks. ?

kbrn2002, ADN, RN · Sep 7, 2019

I understand your frustration. My husband is unemployed and due to health, age and education issues he would have a difficult time even finding a job much less one that would generate enough income to make a significant difference. We made the decision to be OK with him staying home and making it on my income which we can do, barely.

Key point is WE made the decision to make it work financially on my income. How you deal with an income disparity in a marriage is a joint decision, not something you can just do on your own. The input of both people affected is required. Some frank discussions about finances are overdue here. If he's not able or even just not willing to contribute more then you can at least know you are not making any life changing decisions without including your spouse in the conversation.

StrwbryblndRN · Sep 8, 2019

My husband makes 1/3 of what I make. We have teenagers now but there was a time that I was a stay at home mom going to nursing school. After I graduated my husband stayed at home for a few years also.

The fact that he makes less $ is a non issue. His inability to watch his spending and not discuss with me a budget is infuriating. Money is better now but he is the first to complain that we are not saving enough but also the first to overspend. His life goals suck. And he does not stick to anything he says he's going to do. ADHD does not help either. That is the problem in our marriage. Not the differences in income. But our arguments can appear to be about money.

Could this be the issue? Goes much deeper than income.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2019

I'm glad my husband doesn't have your attitude. I'm a nurse and make only a fraction of my husband's income.

Guess I'd better brainstorm some way to come up with the same income as a successful commercial real estate tycoon lest I be accused of not pulling my weight.

TriciaJ, RN · Sep 8, 2019

1 hour ago, Horseshoe said:
I'm glad my husband doesn't have your attitude. I'm a nurse and make only a fraction of my husband's income.
Guess I'd better brainstorm some way to come up with the same income as a successful commercial real estate tycoon lest I be accused of not pulling my weight.

I really don't think the OP is hung up on wage inequity by itself. It sounds like she (and others who have posted on this thread) has a spouse who likes to fiddle while Rome burns.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2019

2 hours ago, TriciaJ said:
I really don't think the OP is hung up on wage inequity by itself. It sounds like she (and others who have posted on this thread) has a spouse who likes to fiddle while Rome burns.

Well, she said both were working full time. Sounds like her dissatisfaction with her job and other difficulties may be causing her to project anger about some of these other problems at her husband. I'm sure her husband has his share of responsibility for some of the problems in their marriage, but I'm not buying that he alone is the cause.

Jedrnurse, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2019

47 minutes ago, Horseshoe said:
Well, she said both were working full time. Sounds like her dissatisfaction with her job and other difficulties may be causing her to project anger about some of these other problems at her husband. I'm sure her husband has his share of responsibility for some of the problems in their marriage, but I'm not buying that he alone is the cause.

Well said. Remember that we're only getting one person's view on the situation.

NewenglandMSNRNBC, ADN, BSN, MSN, RN · Sep 9, 2019

Get a therapist instead of telling everyone about your marriage problems.

lorias · Sep 9, 2019

My husband is on disability and so brings in less than half what I do. What difference does it make who brings in more? A marriage is a team, you pool your money and make a budget and live off that. End of story.