Spouse of nurse

[martymoose]

Question.We all know nursing makes decent money.Those with spouses who are not nurses who make much less money ,do you have increased discord in the marriage ?Spouse has no interest in pursuing education ( kinda dont blame him,we are in our 50 's) ,but makes 50 percent less than me. There is now a big financial strain with cost of living(taxes went up, utilities went wayyy up,gas,old car repairs,etc) I cant stand it anymore.

Am i being realistic to think that spouses should at least make equal money ? (And we both work full time)

Opinions please ?

[lemur00, BSN, RN]

On 9/20/2019 at 9:38 AM, Horseshoe said:

That's a separate issue from his salary. If you are both working full time, you should both contribute to the running of the household.

It really isn't. A 50/50 split doesn't mean just money. Often in a financially unequal relationship, the disparity is made up for in other ways. For example the 1950s housewife that's been thrown around worked as the manager of the household for free. So she in essence "earned" half that income by making it possible for her husband to work. The income disparity was offset by other contributions. Women were fine with running the household, cooking, cleaning, et c because their husbands made bigger financial contributions and it felt like everyone pulled their weight. This is of course the "invisible work" of feminist lore.

In modern times, most women are working equally and earning outside income but still bear the entirety of the household management role. Even if their husbands and children do chores, it's because the "manager" notices and asks/demands it be done. This actually makes for a less equal contribution breakdown with men of the modern era generally contributing less to a home than they have at any other time.

There area a lot of reasons for that, but it has bred resentment in many women who don't need their spouses for income and begin to wonder what they're actually good for. They think "can't he *at least* match my income so its not 70/30 in EVERYTHING?" Money is often cited as the issue because for some time that was the thing men contributed, but it is really just a general disparity in contributing anything.

What is interesting to me is that the invisible manager is the same role nurses take on at a larger scale--that of care coordination and management, of making sure everyone is doing their job. It's almost second nature for nurses. We're good at over-functioning to meet pt needs. At catching everyone's mistakes or making them do what needs to be done or doing it ourselves when they won't. And many of us like to have that control over everything, even if we hate that it isn't noticed or appreciated. Of course, just like in a home, this creates an environment where others increasingly under-function, expecting us to pick up the slack. And then we get burnt out.

So I think we can all understand the op's problem on some level. When you are getting it both at work and at home, it's hard not to be resentful. The only real answer is to stop over-functioning, which is a very hard thing to do, especially for nurses. That's where counseling is helpful, the kind that helps you to take ownership of a situation and also helps you set boundaries.

I'd also say to op that it's really important to realize that what you expect from your loved ones, your job, et c may be totally *reasonable*, but not necessarily *realistic*. That is, maybe people should get it but they might never be able to. From experience, it's a bitter pill to swallow but it gives you a different perspective and often allows you to start moving forward.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

If both partners are working full time, they should BOTH be contributing to the running of the household. This isn't 1950. Percentages of this and percentages of that can be negotiated, but no one should be laying around doing nothing after work "just because" it has traditionally been done so. There are many husbands my age who actually get that. Most of my friends are married to guys that contribute to the running of the home after they get home from work.

My salary is a fraction of my husband's, but when I was working full time, we split the household duties. I cooked, he cleaned, he did this, I did that. We didn't keep score because we didn't really need to. It was obvious we were both contributing.

Now that I work only sporadically, I am quite happy to do more to keep the household up and running. It makes sense to do that. Yet my husband still contributes-not to the degree that he once did, but he will always pick up after himself and lend me a hand when he notices I need one. If he notices we are low on light bulbs or propane for the grill or that the towels I started in the washer need to be moved to the dryer, etc., he steps up. That's what married "partners" do.

Many of us have mentioned that the OP and husband could benefit from counseling.

[JKL33]

1 hour ago, lemur00 said:

In modern times, most women are working equally and earning outside income but still bear the entirety of the household management role. Even if their husbands and children do chores, it's because the "manager" notices and asks/demands it be done. This actually makes for a less equal contribution breakdown with men of the modern era generally contributing less to a home than they have at any other time. 

Holy stereotyping.

[lemur00, BSN, RN]

It would be a stereotype if I had assumed this was always the case, which my wording intentionally precludes. It is, however, a generalization that has been shown to have an evidence base, both anecdotally and in various types of research.

[JKL33]

I didn't read it that way. Most women are working equally and earning outside income and still bear the entirety of the household management role. And, for those women to whom that applies, if others do anything within the household it is because the women told them to. Do I have that wrong?

[Leader25, ASN, BSN, RN]

The more I made the angrier he got(,telling his relatives what I made, -he says proudly)

Really weird,I was very supportive when He was making more.Why couldnt he be happy for me?

But if you want a guy to make as much as you by force then you need to chose on that basis,not belittle someones earning capacity after all is said and done.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

On 9/27/2019 at 9:51 AM, JKL33 said:

I didn't read it that way. Most women are working equally and earning outside income and still bear the entirety of the household management role. And, for those women to whom that applies, if others do anything within the household it is because the women told them to. Do I have that wrong?

Nope,you don’t have that wrong. And I think this bothers me now as opposed to 10 years ago,for example, because I tired.im old,I’m in pain, and we clearly don’t get along now.although he’s tired ,old,and in pain too.so I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles at this stage in life.It sure isn’t very enjoyable.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Nope,you don’t have that wrong. And I think this bothers me now as opposed to 10 years ago,for example, because I tired.im old,I’m in pain, and we clearly don’t get along now.although he’s tired ,old,and in pain too.so I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles at this stage in life.It sure isn’t very enjoyable.

You're not so old that you need to stay in a loveless marriage, if that's what you have. If you or he won't consider counseling, if you won't take action to improve your job situation and/or your attitude about life/relationships/work, then maybe you should consider separating. I mean, how could being alone be worse than going through every day being critical/resentful/miserable??? This isn't just about money-there are a lot of people in this country who are in a precarious financial situation who nevertheless find joy and love in their marriages. What you are describing in terms of your marriage isn't the natural and inevitable consequence of being "at this stage in life."

[Rocknurse, MSN, APRN, NP]

I am the breadwinner in my family as my wife doesn't work. I'm happy that she doesn't as she looked after me all the way through my NP degree. She cares for our 3 dogs, takes care of the house, does all the shopping, cleaning and cooking and I never have to lift a finger. I feel that we have an equal partnership because she has allowed me to focus on school and work and never want for anything, and in return I provide financially. That's how a marriage works.

[YV-HE W]

On 8/30/2019 at 3:52 PM, martymoose said:

Yes, im now thinking of it as my money. Im the one at the crappy job. Im the one who gets no breaks ,no lunch, runs short all the time now,worries about the liability that goes with that. He gets scheduled breaks,scheduled hours, a normal life, a cushy job, and gets to get away with not contributing 50 percent to the bills we both have ??

Yeah, I guess Im mad about it and it must be starting to show.I cant leave my crappy job or else then we have no where to live, since he cant support it.

I posted this here because i figured nurses would relate to the no breaks, no.life aspect of things.

Oh and i forgot to add has to have knee replacements now secondary to this job and no breaks and no help too.

I know I am late but life’s is too short to be stressing about this....if you feel your doing more it’s time to ask him to pick up another job or leave...you can do bad all by yourself...nurses in general get used up by men because of our kid nature