Spouse of nurse

[martymoose]

Question.We all know nursing makes decent money.Those with spouses who are not nurses who make much less money ,do you have increased discord in the marriage ?Spouse has no interest in pursuing education ( kinda dont blame him,we are in our 50 's) ,but makes 50 percent less than me. There is now a big financial strain with cost of living(taxes went up, utilities went wayyy up,gas,old car repairs,etc) I cant stand it anymore.

Am i being realistic to think that spouses should at least make equal money ? (And we both work full time)

Opinions please ?

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

Also, if we file for bankruptcy,no one will hire me, is that right ?

[FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN]

9 minutes ago, martymoose said:

Also, if we file for bankruptcy,no one will hire me, is that right ?

No, that is not right.

Bankruptcy would be on your credit report which is not public.

If your state allows credit checks as part of the hiring process (some do not) it would still not exclude you from a job. I'm not sure that its illegal in my state but it is also just not standardly practiced these days because unemployment is pretty low and RNs are in high demand.

Don't be hard on yourself about your financial issues or your relationship issues. Money is up there in the top things couples fight about. In other words, what you are experiencing is quite normal.

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

So first let me congratulate you on 30 years of marriage - in the era of divorce for all kinds of petty reasons this is a great accomplishment. My husband and I just celebrated 19 years a week ago. Let me tell you it has not been all sunshine and roses. When we became engaged I was not working and was doing prereq's for nursing school. He was an independent contractor who managed large government construction projects. So needless to say he made and still makes considerably more money than me. When our son was born I took 2 semester's off school, husband never complained, When he lost his job due to cancelation of government contracts during the early years of the Obama administration (Those shovel ready jobs that never materialized) and did not work for almost 2 years I brought home the income while he stayed home played Mr. mom to our son and generally took care of things at home. Now we are both employed and will both be retiring in the next ten years or so.

I guess what I am trying to say is marriage at it's best is a team sport!

I do get your frustration about you job because I have done some pretty crappy nursing jobs but I made some changes that made working better for me. I quit both my med/surge job and my SNF job and went back to my former specialty in psych. The job is not nearly as back breaking but it does keep me challenged and with nearly 20 years of job experience my associates degree pays me as much as much as a new grad BSN. Still I used to come home complaining about no breaks, no bathroom time, forced over-time etc..... One day my husband asked "What would happen if you just stopped working so hard?" So I started taking my breaks, saying no to overtime, giving report and getting out on time as well as regularly using accrued vacation time every couple of months to just take down-time. My job has never been threatened and even my employer says I am a happier person.

No matter how much money we earn we both have a set allowance each week and we don't go over. All our bills are paid and we have enough to pay for a few extras. I got my first new car ever this year. Our son graduates from high school this year and my husband told me to take a month off work to travel with him to Europe as he will be going to the military in early 2021.

I do agree that you need to sit down with a financial planner and set up a budget. Downsize if you need to and remember that no matter how hard you work you can't take it with you!

Peace

Hppy

[DaniannaRN, ASN, BSN]

2 hours ago, martymoose said:

I don't really think his making less than you is the real issue here. He works full time and is contributing what he can. I think this is the issue..

First, you and he work separate shifts and are unable to connect with each other, so you feel distant from him. Secondly, he doesn't want to go to therapy or even talk to you about it. Financial issues happen to almost any couple but you both need to come together as a team to tackle these financial problems. If you have one spouse refusing to talk it out and acting like nothing is wrong, that will cause the resentment the OP has now.

OP has a crappy job (which is not the husband's fault), no social life, she's stressed over the increased financial problems and her husband doesn't want to hear it. I can understand why she's stressed. I'm not saying she's 100% right, but I do understand where she's coming from.

Tell him that your finances and marriage are in trouble and both of you need to speak to someone. Let him know you're becoming resentful and frustrated. Be calm but firm. Make him understand that he needs to go to therapy if he wants to save this marriage. You can't keep working the way you are, you're going to burn out. If he still refuses to go to therapy, you have some big decisions to make.

I also suggest cutting back on some things if you can. Cancel cable, downgrade your cell phone plans, cut out all extras until things get better. Cook inexpensive things. You'll save money and hopefully the frugal lifestyle will make your husband realize there's a serious issue and he needs to get some help handling finances.

Thank you for information.

I think weve been married that long because we never see each other due to us rarely being on the same shifts(hes days m-f, im a and b ,mostly b, shift 7 days a week interspersed. I cant have any other social life with my shifts.i think were each more tired respectively and crash after our shifts anyway. I know i cant walk after mine, and he doesnt want to hear it as hes in pain from his job too.

Counseling wont work. Its one sided (my side) as he thinks im making a big deal about this.we cant even talk about conflict, he gets angry and defensive.Clergy wont work as he is atheist.I pray for solutions though.

As far as the mine and yours thing,we have always had our money direct deposit into one bank account and the bills get paid out of that.There is no mine or yours. I just was wishing that he would put more money into the pool.

I have been given some tough food for thought. Thanks

[Oldmahubbard]

Some 15-20 years ago, I found myself in serious debt. Not entirely my fault, but I had to own up to the part that was. I was a shopaholic.

After having an epiphany about the severity of the problem, I made several big changes in my lifestyle and thinking. It still took 5 years to make a dent in my debt and get some breathing room.

Honestly, I am glad it happened. It permanently changed the way I think, and I no longer desire anything I cannot afford.

And yes, my husband at the time made less, but I didn't blame him, because I knew that when we married.

By the time I discovered Dave Ramsey, I had already been practicing my own similar program for several years.

I learned there are a lot of material things you can do without, and still be content.

You've already had a lot of good advice here, so I won't repeat it.

And yes, in most states, you will indeed be liable for spousal support if you divorce.

[jrbl77, RN]

My husband and I have been married for 39 years. I started my nursing career 3 years before we got married. For the majority of my working years, I made about double what my husband did. But he was able to get the kids up and out in the morning and took care of them on the weekends I worked.

In the grand scale if things, we both worked hard at what we did. I was able to retire at 62 while my husband will work till 65 and we can get on Medicare.

Money isn’t what life or a marriage is all about.

[caliotter3]

On ‎8‎/‎30‎/‎2019 at 9:11 AM, Sour Lemon said:

It's certainly fine to look for an "equal" in terms of income, but 50's is a bit late in the game to demand ambition. That should have been sorted out before the marriage ever happened. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation at this point.

My thoughts exactly. You don't ask someone in their 50's to make the necessary changes to bring about that kind of rise in income. Some of us started having "employment at all" problems when only in our 40's.

[TriciaJ, RN]

I think you've got several simultaneous problems that have gotten all balled up into one.

1. You have a job that sucks. Literally. It's sucking your health and your soul.

2. You have health problems that further erode your quality of life. Physical pain doesn't improve thinking and problem-solving.

3. Not enough money coming in to meet current expenses. Your husband's lack of ambition didn't used to be a problem, but now it would really have helped for him to have completed his program.

4. Besides his lack of ambition, he is not receptive to counseling and it sounds like he can't even participate in problem-solving conversations without become prickly and defensive. What are his spending habits? Does he at least respect the current funding crisis or is he out spending money you don't have?

I think you need to find some counseling for yourself, just to have a sounding board and get some ideas to navigate through this.

You need a strict austerity plan for now. I'm not familiar with the Dave Ramsay course, but if others found it helpful, I'd check it out. If your husband is undermining you with unwise spending, you need to jerk his access to your earnings.

I don't know what's available to you on the job front, but I'd spend time looking. Your current work situation doesn't sound sustainable. Do you have an EAP that could be any help at all?

I'll be thinking about you and sending you good wishes. Keep us posted.

[Luchador, CNA, EMT-B]

When I was a teacher I made about half of my wife's salary. It will be the same or worse when I start nursing.

I'm glad she didn't think like the op!

[Nunya, BSN]

7 hours ago, martymoose said:

Also, if we file for bankruptcy,no one will hire me, is that right ?

One other person said you'd probably be ok. It may not be illegal to not hire you but combined with your age.... remember, nurses usually don't even get a call when they aren't hired to tell them that, much less why. You'll just never hear from them. I wouldn't take the chance on filing bankruptcy if I could help it. It impacts a lot things, not just job possibilities.

[Oldmahubbard]

Many jobs do check a credit report. I am pretty sure if you have a low score, it reflects poorly.

[GrumpyRN, NP]

57 minutes ago, Oldmahubbard said:

Many jobs do check a credit report. I am pretty sure if you have a low score, it reflects poorly.

What? Seriously? Not trying to hijack the thread but is that correct? You Americans have some really poor laws and regulations if an employer can do that.