Spouse of nurse

[martymoose]

Question.We all know nursing makes decent money.Those with spouses who are not nurses who make much less money ,do you have increased discord in the marriage ?Spouse has no interest in pursuing education ( kinda dont blame him,we are in our 50 's) ,but makes 50 percent less than me. There is now a big financial strain with cost of living(taxes went up, utilities went wayyy up,gas,old car repairs,etc) I cant stand it anymore.

Am i being realistic to think that spouses should at least make equal money ? (And we both work full time)

Opinions please ?

[ruby_jane, BSN, RN]

My opinion: You probably need to talk to a counselor, pastor or someone more qualified than a bunch of random strangers on the internet.

Although I did freeload off Mr. Ruby Jane's nursing salary when I did my pre-reqs for nursing school. As he did when he was in nursing school and I had the single woman, no kids income.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

2 hours ago, Sour Lemon said:

It's certainly fine to look for an "equal" in terms of income, but 50's is a bit late in the game to demand ambition. That should have been sorted out before the marriage ever happened. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation at this point.

Yes,i realize that as I noted in the "I dont blame him"comment. Altho he was only 2 classes away from an AAS in accounting, and just stopped going about 8 years ago. We made do with our income at that time, so i guess thats why it wasnt addressed then.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

2 hours ago, JKL33 said:

What do you mean "at least" equal? Hopefully you don't think it would be okay if your partner made more money than you do, or that it would be alright if a nurse's partner earned more money.

It would be nice if i wasn't paying for 2/ 3 of everything, such as the mortgage and the health insurance.he would never be able to afford rent or any health insurance on his own(none of his coworkers have insurance).

It also doesn't help that health insurance has gone up 500 dollars more a month in the last couple years.

[brownbook]

I get it. Worries about paying the bills, having enough money, can be a killer. It is hard to think calmly and clearly when your facing financial problems. Hard to have therapeutic conversations with your spouse.

If you think you can sit down with husband, go over monthly bills, go over income, and see in black and white that you're not making enough money "together" maybe you two can come up with a plan.

Or as other's suggested find someone to help. It would be worth the money, worth it to spend some money to talk to a financial planner to get your financial house, financial picture, in order.

All of that is less expensive than a divorce!

[Sandpiper12, ADN, RN]

21 minutes ago, martymoose said:

It would be nice if i wasn't paying for 2/ 3 of everything, such as the mortgage and the health insurance.he would never be able to afford rent or any health insurance on his own(none of his coworkers have insurance).

This is a BIG red flag for me. You're thinking of it at YOUR money and HIS, not a combined income. I agree with others who have suggested counseling. You seem to be treating him like a roommate, not a spouse.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

Yes, im now thinking of it as my money. Im the one at the crappy job. Im the one who gets no breaks ,no lunch, runs short all the time now,worries about the liability that goes with that. He gets scheduled breaks,scheduled hours, a normal life, a cushy job, and gets to get away with not contributing 50 percent to the bills we both have ??

Yeah, I guess Im mad about it and it must be starting to show.I cant leave my crappy job or else then we have no where to live, since he cant support it.

I posted this here because i figured nurses would relate to the no breaks, no.life aspect of things.

Oh and i forgot to add has to have knee replacements now secondary to this job and no breaks and no help too.

[Jedrnurse, BSN, RN]

3 minutes ago, martymoose said:

Yes, im now thinking of it as my money. Im the one at the crappy job. Im the one who gets no breaks ,no lunch, runs short all the time now,worries about the liability that goes with that. He gets scheduled breaks,scheduled hours, a normal life, a cushy job, and gets to get away with not contributing 50 percent to the bills we both have ??

Yeah, I guess Im mad about it and it must be starting to show.I cant leave my crappy job or else then we have no where to live, since he cant support it.

I posted this here because i figured nurses would relate to the no breaks, no.life aspect of things.

Starting with the bolded statement, sounds like you're projecting your job frustrations on your husband. You also said you can't "leave your crappy job or else we have no where to live." That's all-or-nothing thinking.

Look for a less crappy job and cheaper living accommodations...

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

21 minutes ago, martymoose said:

Yes, im now thinking of it as my money. Im the one at the crappy job. Im the one who gets no breaks ,no lunch, runs short all the time now,worries about the liability that goes with that. He gets scheduled breaks,scheduled hours, a normal life, a cushy job, and gets to get away with not contributing 50 percent to the bills we both have ??

Yeah, I guess Im mad about it and it must be starting to show.I cant leave my crappy job or else then we have no where to live, since he cant support it.

I posted this here because i figured nurses would relate to the no breaks, no.life aspect of things.

Oh and i forgot to add has to have knee replacements now secondary to this job and no breaks and no help too.

But how are your crappy work conditions HIS fault?

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

1 hour ago, Sandpiper12 said:

This is a BIG red flag for me. You're thinking of it at YOUR money and HIS, not a combined income. I agree with others who have suggested counseling. You seem to be treating him like a roommate, not a spouse.

I understand where she is coming from. She went back to school and got her nursing degree so she could contribute more to the household bills, but they are still struggling. Her frustration is that he is not willing to step up and earn more money to help ease the burden.

My girlfriend and I both earned around the same income. We are very financially frugal people. She knew for several years that her department would eventually be eliminated and she would have to find another job for less money. When we built our house, our budget was to be able to pay cash for the home. Her department was eliminated 6 months ago and is now making half of her former income. Since her half of the household expenses is low due to no mortgage, the lower income has not effected her ability to pay her half of the household expenses. We have a relationship that is equal to a marriage and the use of the terms "my money" and "her money" does not cause red flags. We each pay our half of the household expenses and the rest of our money is ours to spend how each of us chooses.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

No ,his lack of contribution is his fault. It must be nice to not have any responsibility or obligation.

I cant risk taking a job with less pay (the only thing that is available )

Maybe this is a no win situation. I guess that's why it can be helpful to get opinions.

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

16 minutes ago, martymoose said:

No ,his lack of contribution is his fault. It must be nice to not have any responsibility or obligation.

Yet you said he is working full time. That's not lack of contribution. He is contributing what he can. This is a much deeper issue and it sounds like you have a lot of resentment from the job that you are either projecting on your husband or you've also got resentment towards your husband. Counseling can help you work through that- ignoring it will only make the relationship worse.

[makingstrides]

You knew he lacked ambition when you married him. No?