Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
I just wanted to mention that husbands (fathers) suffer just as much as mothers in this tragic event. Many times they believe they must be strong, support and care for their wives, while placing their own feelings on hold.
I've seen couples "take turns": Dad will be strong for Mom, then Mom is strong for Dad. That's a good way of doing it. If you're both feeling bad, use extended family for support and help for BOTH of you.
It's just important to take care of both parents, give them both time to grieve. You both will carry a piece of your son in your hearts.
Take care!
Gosh--so true; so true.
I am so glad you and your husband have each other to lean on, and that he did not lose YOU, as well.
I can still remember every detail of the amniotic fluid embolism event I told you about--I will not refer to it as a "case" as, even though it was clear back in the '80s, I well remember the family by name--in which the baby died and the wife was in what I guess was a chronic vegetative state; she succumbed to ARDS after a month or so in ICU. So very, very sad. It still makes me cry, and I remember the events---and their faces--as if it happened yesterday.
I can remember going up to ICU to talk to the husband, and letting him know that we baptized the baby (a perfect, very large--over 10 lbs.--baby boy.) His parents and her parents were there, and he was trying so hard to be strong for everybody else, and he just lost it-----finally.
I wish I could have done more for them. Reading about what the nursery nurse did for you and your husband--the palster casts of the feet and hands; the beaded bracelets; the pictures---I wish we would have known about that, or had the technology to do that for them, at the time. It did not even occur to me to take pictures, nor did it occur to the other operating room nurse (in those days, we did emergency sections in the operating room.) We did what the nursery nurse told us to do--which is the only reason I knew about cutting a lock of hair. I surely do wish we could have done more for the husband and the rest of the family. We did not give him a blanket, booties or cap, as we did not have those items readily available in our operating room----I am not even certain that they did in the nursery,(we had no NICU) in those days. I am certain they would have been cherished, as you have affirmed.
Cherish your husband and family (and friends!) at this time, and let them "do" for you--don't refuse on the premise that you don't want to "take advantage" of their thoughtfulness. They want to do whatever they can to help, and it is therapeutic for them, as well.
Specializes in ER, NICU, NSY and some other stuff.
I am so very sorry for you and your family. We pin so many hopes and dreams on our little ones. Those have been stolen from you.
There are no magic words to say to make your pain go away or to even make it less. Only time can do this.
There are no timelines to grief, we all grieve at our own speed. So don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. I remember after losing a baby that everyone seemed to think I should "Just get over it" Well I did not. subsequently I thought I was losing my mind. No, I was just grieving.
Take it easy on yourself, this was not your fault. Sometimes bad things happen and we never know why. find someone you can talk to be it a friend your physician, or a therapist.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my very sincere condolences.
As others have said, a lot of these demises occur when there is a cord accident. It's just very sad because the baby looks so perfect, and you can't see happened to cause such a death. This is so hard, I know.
May I recommend a book to you, it's "When Hello Means Goodbye." This is a very good book which covers infant demise and I highly recommend reading it when you feel like it.
I hope that the staff was able to send in a chaplain to speak to you, to give you encouragement for this difficult time. Our volunteers make up keepsake albums for the mom, which contain a look of hair, the baby's fingerprints and footprints. I hope that you received one. We also give the mom a silver teardrop which she can put on a chain as a necklace so she will always carry a reminder of her baby when she is able to.
SmilingBluEyes gave some very good advice, as usual. If you get a chance to visit with a social worker, please do. This can affect other relationships in your life, and if possible, find someone you can talk to about this tragedy.
Words can't convey how sorry I am for you, and your family. Please know that I will be thinking of you all, you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me.
Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
I know exactly what you are going through. Our daughter, Emma, was stillborn on July 31st, last year. I was 37 weeks into what I thought was a perfect pregnancy. She just stopped moving. When I presented to the OB unit at 1am, she still had a strong heartrate at 140......but no movement. She died 10 hours later. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen....perfect.
~Leah
{{{{{{{{{{{Leah}}}}}}}}}}} So sorry for your loss of Emma, she was loved and I bet she knew it! God bless you!
And for anyone else who has lost a child - so sad - it's so wonderful you all can be there for each other!
To say how sorry I am for your suffering just doesn't seem enough...but what else can I say??? Trust me time will help...you never forget, you just learn to cope with the pain differently. I do not know if you believe in God or not, but I am still asking Him to send his comforting angel to you and your husband, and other family members. I wish I had some words of wisdom to impart, but as of now, I am without any. May God bless you and yours.
Many times when I hear of someone dying I often close and pray "May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face shine upon you." Today, after reading your posting I prayed this for both you, your family and your beautiful son.
Your emotions are probably really in a state of constant flux and I won't even attempt to address that but to say "we care and we're here."
My daughter cried and read your posting. My daughter is always into cause and effects. Being taken with CSI she is now looking into becoming a forensic nurse specialist. To make a long story short she just kept saying "what could've caused this?" I stated I would post something which you may want to reflect on (per her coercion and I am sorry to state I would ask you this....please accept my apology): 1) You stated you had a cold; did you take any over-the-counter medication? 2) Any change in the household to prevent spread of germs (cleaning agents)? 3) Any outside contractors (construction, pest controllers, etc.) 4) Had you traveled anywhere (altitudes, foreign food) 5) Any animals taken to the vet for specific treatments? I don't know if you work but could there be extenuating circumstances detrimental to you and your son?
Again, I am sorry to bring this up to you. I am a strong supporter of what former nurses, and others stated earlier regarding the support system and the grieving process.
In response to the individual at the hospital referring to your beautiful baby, I just keep wondering if this person was non-nursing (i.e. "unit secretary?).
Loss is tremendous and you are to be commended for your ability to care. God bless you and yours. :flowersfo
Specializes in Education, FP, LNC, Forensics, ED, OB.
I am an OB-GYN nurse practitioner and have witnessed many instances of this very thing over the past 25 years. I am so sorry that this had to happen to you , too. You may never know why it happened. Any number of etiologies (causes) or combination therof could be involved. In the absence of gross congenital infant abnormalities and/or cord abnormalities and/or placental abnormalities, you cannot be sure except on autopsy and this may not reveal the true cause either. Please accept my deepest sympathy. Do not hesitate to contact me if you desire. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking experience, Leah. It really does give me hope for the future. I've found myself thinking about you ever since you posted. I just want to let you know that I am keeping you, your husband, and your new baby in my heart and wishing you all the best for a safe and happy delivery. :icon_hug:
I am glad that I can give you hope/comfort. I know how much it means at a time like this. I know all about the alternating feelings of inner turmoil and grief and peace. Sometimes those feelings can come literally within minutes of each other.
Thank you so much for keeping us in your thoughts....I am doing the same for you and yours.
If you ever need anyone to talk to...................
I was completely shocked.
stevierae
1,085 Posts
Gosh--so true; so true.
I am so glad you and your husband have each other to lean on, and that he did not lose YOU, as well.
I can still remember every detail of the amniotic fluid embolism event I told you about--I will not refer to it as a "case" as, even though it was clear back in the '80s, I well remember the family by name--in which the baby died and the wife was in what I guess was a chronic vegetative state; she succumbed to ARDS after a month or so in ICU. So very, very sad. It still makes me cry, and I remember the events---and their faces--as if it happened yesterday.
I can remember going up to ICU to talk to the husband, and letting him know that we baptized the baby (a perfect, very large--over 10 lbs.--baby boy.) His parents and her parents were there, and he was trying so hard to be strong for everybody else, and he just lost it-----finally.
I wish I could have done more for them. Reading about what the nursery nurse did for you and your husband--the palster casts of the feet and hands; the beaded bracelets; the pictures---I wish we would have known about that, or had the technology to do that for them, at the time. It did not even occur to me to take pictures, nor did it occur to the other operating room nurse (in those days, we did emergency sections in the operating room.) We did what the nursery nurse told us to do--which is the only reason I knew about cutting a lock of hair. I surely do wish we could have done more for the husband and the rest of the family. We did not give him a blanket, booties or cap, as we did not have those items readily available in our operating room----I am not even certain that they did in the nursery,(we had no NICU) in those days. I am certain they would have been cherished, as you have affirmed.
Cherish your husband and family (and friends!) at this time, and let them "do" for you--don't refuse on the premise that you don't want to "take advantage" of their thoughtfulness. They want to do whatever they can to help, and it is therapeutic for them, as well.