Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am not an L&D or OB nurse, just a nursing student, but I myself have suffered through 6 miscarriages. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
Words cannot express the loss that you have experienced...... My thoughts and prayers are with you...
I experienced the same thing.. I went to the hospital that morning to be induced, was in active labor but felt something was wrong... it became a blur for a while but those few minutes they searched witht he ultrasound for Joshua's heartbeat seemed like an eternity....
JOshua was to be my fifth child he wieghed 9 pounds too....
My titers revieled that I had CMV, I did have an autopsy because although I could not stand the thought of the whole thing I needed to know....It ended up that there was about 5 things that contributed to the stillbirth.. none helped me heal. But knowing was helpful for me.. many people never know why though.
What did help was time. There was a Grief Councilor through the hospital and She was nice to talk to but I did not seek counciling further, I did join a few web based forums that helped me alot.. I did not post alot at first just lurked around but was able to work through .....
I am so sorry for your loss. There is no grief like that which accompanies losing your baby. Our youngest daughter died when she was 17 days old. She had Trisomy 13; almost always fatal. We learned of it early in the pregnancy. We brought her home with us, learned to feed her with a tube and she died peacefully, with us, at home.
I know this is such a difficult time for you and your husband; for me, it was harder once the "shock" wore off.
We went on to have a son 15 months after our Kathleen died; he is very healthy, big, beautiful. I tell you this so you don't give up; another baby will never replace your baby boy. Sometimes when I hold Mikey (our boy) and rock him (yes, rock him even though he's a 40 lb. 3 year-old), I say a prayer and pretend I'm rocking Kathleen, too.
It sounds a little crazy, but when you visit your baby's grave, talk to him, tell him you miss him and wish he was with you; tell him how much "mommy and daddy love him". You'll feel connected.
Some days will be better for you, some worse. Time doesn't heal all wounds; but it "softens" them. Please believe me.
I'll say a prayer for you, your husband and your baby....I chose to believe our Kathleen has a new friend in heaven, your son.
Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
I lost a "perfect" newborn baby girl named Rachel almost three years ago. Mater of fact it was the NICU nurses that caused my career change. They are why I ditched a 40kayear job to go back to college.
The one thing you don't want to hear right now is "it gets easier ". It does but that doesn't mater right now.
I am so sorry for your loss I am sorry that your son is not with his mommy. I am sorry that you have to feel the pain that not one of us that have been through it would ever wish on our worst enemy.
I can not give you any reasons why this may have happened but the one thing I can give you is hope.
It gets easier.
It hurts like hell most of the time but.....
It gets easier.
It makes you want to crawl into a ball and cease to exists but,
It gets easier.
Every morning, every day every week and every month............
It gets easier.
A few things that helped me cope (not that they are what you will need but they worked for me and your welcome to them) are.
Pray
Pray often and loud have one to ones with the God that decided that your sons work was already done and that you had more work to do before you could be with him.
Cry
Cry as often as you pray. Do them together. I didn't cry enough. I still cry today. I am crying now. It hurts and it doesn't go away. It gets easier.
Tell it
Tell the story about your son. Tell your friends and family how beautiful he IS. Tell the story about your angel. We can not se god but we speak of him in the present. Speak of your son in the present as well. He is not gone. You know right where he is. "I have four children.......three live at home.... one lives with Jesus." That is what I tell friends and coworkers.
May God wrap his loving arms around you and let you sleep tonight. Let you sleep with the peace of knowing that it is never goodbye but.....see you later.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. We have suffered loss in our lives, and I can only agree with the wisdom already shared by others before me- seek support, cry whenever you need to, and stay close to your husband and son. My prayers are with you all. :heartbeat
I just want to thank everyone for sharing your personal stories of loss. I am so sorry for all of you who have had to go through this painful experience. TexasNS is right... I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Through your stories, reading I have done, and from visiting the links many of you have posted, I've come to realize that this happens more often than I thought. It helps a lot to know that sometimes this just happens, and that I am not being punished or deemed unfit for motherhood by some higher power.
While I still have alternating emotions of sadness, guilt, self-pity, and bitterness, I'm getting better daily. On the 4th we had a family get-together and I took his photo album and showed everyone his pictures. Before, I thought that I would want to keep them just for myself, but then I decided I wanted to share him with others. I'm glad I did.
Every single one of you who have replied with your messages of sympathy, prayers, and/or personal stories have helped me more than you all will ever know. Thank you so much.
I know exactly what you are going through. Our daughter, Emma, was stillborn on July 31st, last year. I was 37 weeks into what I thought was a perfect pregnancy. She just stopped moving. When I presented to the OB unit at 1am, she still had a strong heartrate at 140......but no movement. She died 10 hours later. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen....perfect.
...I just want you to know that it does get better. The first few weeks, I couldn't even go the the grocery store because seeing a baby made me too emotional. I still cry for her. But my husband and I can talk about her without crying every time now. I can look at her picture now and smile. The sadness has changed from overbearing to a sweet sadness if that makes sense.
I am pregnant again....and because of my high risk status and prev. emergency c/s....I am to have a c/s at 36 weeks.....last week in July....when Emma was born asleep.
Having and losing Emma strengthened my faith and my family. She was a precious gift.
I am glad to hear it has made you and your husband closer..losing a baby can either tear you apart or stregthen your bond.
I pray for you and your family............
~Leah
Leah I'm sorry for your previous loss and elated for your new pregnancy may it progress and bring you eternal happiness, but I was just curious did you you have an emergeny c/s for Emma or did you get d/c'd home first?
Nurse-wannabe I am sorry for your loss, but don't let fear take control extend your family, I would like to share my losses with you, though they are not the same they hurt equally as much I had just gotten married and wanted a baby very much (1 month later)...I got pregnant working in L&D I thought aww next it will be me, but it wasn't I had an ectopic pregnancy, this broke my heart because I have never had an STD and did not understand why my baby got stuck in my falllopian tube, my Dr removed the pregnancy , but not the tube 1 month and a half later I got pregnant again this one was stuck in the same damn tube :angryfire , so this tube was removed......the following month I got pregnant again even my OB was ecstatic to tell me yes it was in the uterus.....Finally I was 18 wks, the night before I was suppose to have my level 2 u/s I felt a lot of discharge as an L&D RN I quickly checked it with my nitrazine I had stashed at home in case I needed it, it was equivicol, but I decided oh i'm having an u/s tommorrow, it's probably nothing....... That morning I felt like I had to have a BM, so I did, but it felt funny like something was being pushed out of my cervix, I looked in a mirror and my membranes were hour- glassing, I cried why me? I called my OB and she asked me to meet her in L&D now.......When I got there they treid to perform an emergency cerclage ,but my water broke and out came my precious baby well formed boy who was tooo young to live, I held him for hours only sobbing when I was home alone. .... I thought well at least now I got rid of the bad tube and I know I need a cerclage so my next pregnancy will be perfect....2 months later I got pregnant delivered my daughter then a a year later my son, 18 months later another son , 2yrs later my other daughter, now I have 4 beautiful children.................Sorry for the long post :) I hope it helps.
This is my posting from earlier today. It's sort of an update, I guess. I really don't have the energy to compose anything else right now. lol. Thank you for inquiring about me.
I just want to thank everyone for sharing your personal stories of loss. I am so sorry for all of you who have had to go through this painful experience. TexasNS is right... I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Through your stories, reading I have done, and from visiting the links many of you have posted, I've come to realize that this happens more often than I thought. It helps a lot to know that sometimes this just happens, and that I am not being punished or deemed unfit for motherhood by some higher power.
While I still have alternating emotions of sadness, guilt, self-pity, and bitterness, I'm getting better daily. On the 4th we had a family get-together and I took his photo album and showed everyone his pictures. Before, I thought that I would want to keep them just for myself, but then I decided I wanted to share him with others. I'm glad I did.
Every single one of you who have replied with your messages of sympathy, prayers, and/or personal stories have helped me more than you all will ever know. Thank you so much.
Leah I'm sorry for your previous loss and elated for your new pregnancy may it progress and bring you eternal happiness, but I was just curious did you you have an emergeny c/s for Emma or did you get d/c'd home first?
I had an emergency C-section. I was transferred from a smaller hospital to one with a NICU and her heart stopped en route. The OR team was scrubbed up and ready when I got there. The bedside u/s showed no heartbeat and the rest was just a blur. The doc was standing over me telling me he could "have her out" in a couple of minutes and try to resusitate....then an O2 mask on my face....then I woke up crying for her. As soon as I got to my room, my husband came in holding her...tears streaming down his face....saying..."she is beautiful".
That was July 31st of last year. I am scheduled for a C/S on July 28th. (18 days). All of my NST's have been great. I just keep my trust in God.
For NurseWB and others that have experienced this terrible loss....going through another pregnancy after having your heart broken can be nerve wracking to say the very least. There are days when this baby is more "quiet" than others and I try not to freak out...but it's hard. To be honest, I am doing better than I thought I would. I guess going through the worst thing that can happen and surviving kind of gives you a sense of peace.
You know, in nursing school and in Psych 101, you learn of the stages of grieving. I always thought "denial" was literal. Some woman sitting in her hospital bed with a scary smile saying "no, this didn't happen". I learned first hand that it's not the case at all. Denial is a false sense of peace. You cry...but not from deep within your heart. That comes later.
I hope that it is not thought I am taking over this thread with my experience. I just want to give NurseWB and others a perspective of life after the loss. Because of the loss of Emma, our family and our faith have gained strength. The real tragedy would be if her passing had left no, or only negative, impact on our lives.
Sorry, Peaches, you just asked a simple question and received a book... :)
I was completely shocked.
pink2blue1
295 Posts
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am not an L&D or OB nurse, just a nursing student, but I myself have suffered through 6 miscarriages. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
Shannon