Our baby was stillborn... Please help me understand

suzanne4, RN · Jun 26, 2005

I am so sorry for your loss.

Does the hospital where you were at have any type of program set up for times like this? This would probably be the best suggestion for you at this time.

JoniL&DRN · Jun 26, 2005

Honey my heart is breaking for you. My husband and I went through a late 2nd trimester demise and never had an explanation as to why either. It's just the worst thing you will ever go through. I pray that you find some answers and that God will grant you peace. If you need to talk to someone please fell free to PM me.

Let me also say, though it probably won't give you much hope right now, even after one miscarriage and the loss of our baby, I went on to have three normal, healthy babies, and all with no trouble conceiving or delivering.

I'll keep you in my thoughts...

mstigerlily · Jun 26, 2005

I am so so sorry to hear this. I think fetal demise is absolutely the worst thing that can happen to a mother. Any death of a child is horrible, but you didn't even get a chance to spend time with him or know him, that is the worst thing of all. And the not knowing what the reason for his passing was.

I know you don't like the idea of autopsy but it might give you some answers. What has the doctor told you? Do they have any idea at all? Are there tests they can run?

I highly recommend visiting some bulletin boards on the internet for mothers who have had stillbirths or pregnancy loss. There is a good one at parentsplace.com -

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn

I encourage you to name the baby, do not use the name you had reserved for him for subsequent children. Hopefully you took a photo of him. Talk about him often. It will make you cry but that's ok. It will be hard, people will be awkward and not know what to say, but it will help you heal to talk about him. You will want to validate that he existed and that he meant something to you and that is a part of the grieving process.

Melissa

Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.

nicuRN2007 · Jun 26, 2005

I'm so very sorry. I know that doesn't help, but I am. I'll be praying for you.

stevierae · Jun 26, 2005

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry, nurse_wannabe. You and your spouse are in my thoughts and prayers.

It's OK to cry. Don't fight it. It's all part of the grieving process, and the healing process.

I hope that the staff cut a lock of your little boy's hair and took a picture of him for you. These small mementoes may comfort you and make you feel closer to your son as you go through the griveing process. It may take time, but don't feel that you have to adhere to anyone else's notions of how much time is "acceptable"---let yourself take all the time you need, and work through it in your own way. Same goes for your spouse.

I wish I knew some magic words to make you feel better, but of course there are none. I pray that God proves a comfort to you at this time. I hope that you find comfort, too, in a support group composed of other moms and dads who have gone or are currently going through the same grief process.

I have seen one instance of amniotic fluid embolism in my lifetime, and the first symptom the mother complained of (witnessed by her spouse before she collapsed while standing at the kitchen sink) was shortness of breath. The baby generally dies immediately--in the case I witnessed we did an emergency C-section and delivered a baby of greater than 9 lbs.; the mother was comatose and reamined that way in the ICU before she eventually succumbed to ARDS. However, I have never read of a maternal survivor of an amniotic fluid embolism; coma usually follows and a chain of events which result in either maternal death or permanent and devastating neurological impairment in the event that she survives.

Did you mention the shortness of breath to your OB doc? You might ask him if he thinks there was any possibility of amniotic fluid embolism, but I sincerely doubt this was the case. Generally this occurs in the presence of ruptured membranes and a ruptured cervical or uterine vein, allowing amniotic fluid to enter the mother's bloodstream; you did not state that your membranes had ruptured, so it sounds like this would be highly unlikely in your case.

DivaRN · Jun 26, 2005

First of all let me say that I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I have also lost a son though under different circumstances so I can understand your pain. Try http://www.stillbirthalliance.org for more information about possible causes. Also please get involved in some support group or program it will help to talk to people who have gone thru the same thing first hand. As for managing, you have to allow yourself time to grieve and you have to understand that while the pain will never go away completely, it will get easier to deal with. I am praying for you.

Janeen

Burnt Out, ASN, RN · Jun 26, 2005

Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.

I am so sorry about your son. :crying2:

When you are able, talk with your ob/gyn and ask him/her about the placenta and umbilical cord-were they normal, any microscopic blood clots on the placenta (I'm talking about a numerous amount). Sometimes we just never know why this horrible thing happens....we just wish it didn't.

My first child died when he was 12 days old from complications of congenital heart disease. He would be 3 today. Don't be afraid to cry-let whatever you are feeling out. And just take one day at a time: that is about all you can do right now. I know right after Blake died, it was all I could do some days to get through each hour in the day. Sometimes you have to focus on getting through each hour.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need anything. And please visit The MISS Foundation-this is where I have found the most support since Blake died. There are other websites too that you might find helpful. Just please, seek support. And if there is a MISS, SHARE, or RTS (Resolve Through Sharing) group near you, please consider going: it helps so much to talk with people in real life, as well as online, that are going through this horrible nightmare with you.

Sending you and your husband many hugs... :crying2:

Thunderwolf, MSN, RN · Jun 26, 2005

Nurse Wannabe, you also have my condolences. I'm so sorry that this happened for you. You have my hug also.

Thunderwolf

babyktchr, BSN, RN · Jun 26, 2005

First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry for your loss. It is a devastating time for you and your husband. I am glad that you were supported in the hospital by the nurses, and hope they had a bereavement program that left you with memories of your son.

A stillborn the appears perfect is most difficult. Most times these deaths occur because of cord accidents...baby lays on the cord, actually squeezes the cord with its hand or another accidental compression. This sometimes can be seen when the placenta is examined by pathology. I am almost certain that was done. An autopsy may have been helpful, but not always if a cord accident has occured. If your pregnancy was uncomplicated and there were no obvious anomalies were observed on ultrasound, then it is anyone's guess as to why this happend. Sometimes there is no apparent reason. I know that gives no comfort to you. As recommended in another thread, when you are up to it, talk to your OB and find out results of placental pathology and see if it turns up anything.

It will be weeks or longer before your shock will ease. It is the most normal thing to cry. Crying is therapudic. You will go thru the gammit of emotions over the next weeks. Take your time. There is no time limit on your grief. Allow yourself to miss your son. Remember that, even though he is not with you right now, he is still your son, and will always be. Remember him daily, hourly, every minute of every day. He is still a gift.

I truly hope the hosptial you delivered in has a bereavement counselor that specializes in neonatal loss. I hope you have pictures of your baby to remember him. If they did not, please feel free to contact me. I am a brereavement support counselor at my hospital and would be happy to assist in any way I can.

Day by day honey, day by day. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Jun 26, 2005

My sincere condolences.

SusanJean · Jun 26, 2005

I am so sorry for your loss.

SJ