Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I am so sorry for your loss, too Leah. I sure hope things are better this time around for you and your family.
I have to say, "denial" for me was just that....denial.----it was a sense of disbelief, a sense of "oh not, not again"......a sense of "this is impossible"----"how can it be?"----a sense of "I have had my share of loss ---why again???!"
I guess it's very individual for each person and loss. I have had a total of 5 first and second term losses. For some, that may not qualify as the "same" magnitude of loss as that experienced by the OP or yourself, but it was huge for me, anyhow. Especially the last one.
The stages did not progress according to text, either. I have vascillated between them, for more than a year this last time. I progress two steps forward, one step back, from what I can tell.
I had an emergency C-section. I was transferred from a smaller hospital to one with a NICU and her heart stopped en route. The OR team was scrubbed up and ready when I got there. The bedside u/s showed no heartbeat and the rest was just a blur. The doc was standing over me telling me he could "have her out" in a couple of minutes and try to resusitate....then an O2 mask on my face....then I woke up crying for her. As soon as I got to my room, my husband came in holding her...tears streaming down his face....saying..."she is beautiful".
That was July 31st of last year. I am scheduled for a C/S on July 28th. (18 days). All of my NST's have been great. I just keep my trust in God.
For NurseWB and others that have experienced this terrible loss....going through another pregnancy after having your heart broken can be nerve wracking to say the very least. There are days when this baby is more "quiet" than others and I try not to freak out...but it's hard. To be honest, I am doing better than I thought I would. I guess going through the worst thing that can happen and surviving kind of gives you a sense of peace.
You know, in nursing school and in Psych 101, you learn of the stages of grieving. I always thought "denial" was literal. Some woman sitting in her hospital bed with a scary smile saying "no, this didn't happen". I learned first hand that it's not the case at all. Denial is a false sense of peace. You cry...but not from deep within your heart. That comes later.
I hope that it is not thought I am taking over this thread with my experience. I just want to give NurseWB and others a perspective of life after the loss. Because of the loss of Emma, our family and our faith have gained strength. The real tragedy would be if her passing had left no, or only negative, impact on our lives.
Sorry, Peaches, you just asked a simple question and received a book... :)
Thanks for your well wishes!
Thank you for taking the time to reply...You have your faith intact and sometimes that is all you need that is what got me through all of my preganancies :)
I am so sorry for your loss, too Leah. I sure hope things are better this time around for you and your family.
I have to say, "denial" for me was just that....denial.----it was a sense of disbelief, a sense of "oh not, not again"......a sense of "this is impossible"----"how can it be?"----a sense of "I have had my share of loss ---why again???!"
I guess it's very individual for each person and loss. I have had a total of 5 first and second term losses. For some, that may not qualify as the "same" magnitude of loss as that experienced by the OP or yourself, but it was huge for me, anyhow. Especially the last one.
The stages did not progress according to text, either. I have vascillated between them, for more than a year this last time. I progress two steps forward, one step back, from what I can tell.
thank God yes. But the losses are still an ache in my heart.
I know what you mean I still look through the pictures of my 18 week loss every year on his birthday, this year my 8year old was very interested in knowing all about the loss she called him her big brother.
This is my posting from earlier today. It's sort of an update, I guess. I really don't have the energy to compose anything else right now. lol. Thank you for inquiring about me.
I want to offer my deepest sympathy. I cried when I read your post. Please know that you did NOTHING to cause the loss of your son..sometimes we focus on what we could of done or not done etc. You could not have predicted or prevented this. I pray you find peace and I hope every day is just a little easier.
Specializes in LTAC, home health, hospice, geriatric.
I also had a stillborn at 37weeks, went for a ultrasound a few days before at UCLA everything was fine. went to the ER a few days later due to not feeling any movement, no heartbeat I was induced at Cedars and given alot of sodium pentathol which made me feel very "high" during the delivery. it was my first child and i was 18. a perfect pregnancy until that day. no warning signs, nothing.... i had to know why, was something wrong with me? why did God do this i had done EVERYTHING the doctor told me to do, WHY??? i had an autopsy done... there was no definite cause of death, just possible high stress? it was the darkest moment in my life. the nurses at the hospital were wonderful, they made me a memory box. that was 8 years ago... time heals, just know that holding in your tears and feeligns only hold the pain. i'm here if you ever need to talk. - you are not alone *hugs*
Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
Every single one of you who have replied with your messages of sympathy, prayers, and/or personal stories have helped me more than you all will ever know. Thank you so much.
Hey, still thinking of you, still sad for you {{{{{{{{{{{Nursewannabe}}}}}]
...the loss of a baby is something you never get over. There will always be an empty chair at your table, no matter how many children you may have later, and you'll always mark the anniversary of your son's birth and wonder about what might have been had he lived.
...Allow yourself all the time you need to process what has happened, for if you put it away too soon, it WILL come back and bite you later on down the line; this is often when marriages go sour or severe depression develops. And whatever you do, DON'T listen to people who say things like "It was God's will" or "It's not as bad as losing a child---you never actually got to KNOW the baby" or "You can always have another one". Your precious son was part of your future plans, and he had a personality while he was alive inside you; what's more, you wanted THIS baby, not some other.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our son 8 1/2 years ago. I was 37 weeks pregnant. Mjlrn is right, it is something you will never get over and IMHO if we "get over" the loss I feel it means we "forget" which of course we never will. It is so important to allow yourself to grieve in your own way. There is no set time for grieving either. You eventually may hear people make comments about how long it's been but just remember it's our own grief & nobody elses - there is no right or wrong way. It's important for you and your husband to allow each other to grieve separately also. I had a hard time in the beginning because I felt like (in some ways) I was having a harder time than my husband. Then someone explained to me that we experienced our son's life and death differently. I felt his life inside of me and bonded in a different way than my husband. Also, he witnessed the Doc's & nurses working frantically to revive our tiny son for 45 minutes (while I was under General Anesthesia) and so he was able to "let him go" a little more readily than I.
There is so much help out there. We attended a bereavement group several times (one that was specifically for infant loss) and found it comforting to know we were not alone in our grief. The SHARE website http://www.shareatlanta.org was also especially helpful. You can post stories or poems. They have many great resources on that site. I spent a LOT of time on there in the earlier days after losing our son. There are also many books that are helpful- "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" and "How to go on Living After the Death of a Baby" are just a couple.
Express your feelings as much as possible and allow yourself to cry, scream if you feel like it - your heart has been broken. Time will help to dull that pain but you will always wonder what would have been. If you ever need to talk I'm here. Hugs to you and your husband. Be gentle with yourselves. :icon_hug:
I am so sorry for you. I lost my first child, and went on to have two beautiful daughters. The pain never goes away, but you find a way to live with it and it becomes a part of your life. Every year when the due date comes around for my first child, I go into a slight depression, lasting a couple of weeks. You will survive and move on. We become strong at the broken places.(The title of a book by Max Cleland, great book.)
Some of you may recall me mentioning that I was pregnant and scheduled for C-section on June 23rd. Well, I visited the hospital for an NST on the 18th because I hadn't felt the baby move that morning, and I wanted reassurance. The nurses couldn't find his heartbeat, so an U/S was done. No heartbeat noted, and just like that the baby that we loved and wanted so much was gone. I was completely shocked.
He was delivered by C-section later that night. He was beautiful... 9 lbs., 20" long and looked perfect. The cord was not wrapped around his neck. He had died about 2 days before. I just can't understand how a full term baby can suddenly die. I know some of you nurses have seen this before... please help me understand how this could have happened. I am scared to death to try again... I've also had 1 miscarriage. But, we want more children so badly.
We declined an autopsy... I couldn't stand the thought of my precious baby being cut up. Please help me understand what might have caused this. I am an emotional wreck right now. My pregnancy progressed perfectly with no problems. I think I might have sleep apnea... I recall waking up several times one night last week panting as though I hadn't breathed in awhile. Do you think that's when the demise could have occurred?
I'm sure many of you have been through this. How did you manage? Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am on Xanax and Vicodin, but whenever they wear off I just want to cry. The nurses at the hospital were great, I don't know how I would have managed without them. However, when I was ready to see him I rang my call light and requested to see my baby and whoever answered said "okay, we'll bring IT down." That just broke my heart. She should at least have known he was a boy.
Thank you in advance for any help, wisdom, or encouragement you can give.
Oh I am so sorry for your loss, you and your family are in my prayers! Dont hold back your tears, emotions, or sorrow. And as many others have suggested seek support from others who have experienced this. We have a wonderful perinatal bereavment team, and they express that one of the parents biggest fears is that their baby will be forgotten, and with their support groups and education they make sure that this doesnt happen. They hold a candle light ceremony every spring, and the parents say their babys name and a moment of silence and release a ballon in the babies memory, among many other support meetings and get togethers year round. I know right now this is probaby not what you are thinking about, but just know that months down the road, there are resources out there to help with your loss and make sure that your sweet baby boy is never forgotten! I know I will forever remember this post. My heart goes out to you and your family!
On June 4, 1997 our son Bryce was stillborn.......perfect pregnancy, perfect child, perfect marriage......it absolutely ROCKED our world; however, our faith in Jesus Christ and our commitment and love for each other got us through! I must tell you that every emotion was experienced.....individually and together! You must deal with your grief as a couple and as an individual! Fortunately, we now have Gracie (5) and Chloe (18 mos) and we also lost one in between them at 9 weeks......the experience of losing Bryce was one of the hardest things I have ever done......but it made me and my husband closer and strengthened our faith in the Lord. When we were pregnant with Gracie, our nerves were on edge but finally we got peace form the Lord that we would have our healthy daughter! I was glad that she was a girl.....something different from the first time.....looking back, I was glad that Bryce was our first because we didn't know life with a child yet..............this was the first year that I worked on his birthday.....usually, I would stay with home and remember! Revisit his box....yes, we have the lock of hair, the outfit that he was in, the little heart pillow that the nurses put in his hands to take his picture, every sympathy and baby shower card!
I was 37 weeks and they "think" that he was dead for approximately 2 days before his delivery.....he had a knot in his cord and he moved or something and it tightened and he also jerked the placent loose......we didn't do any formal counseling for ourselves.....in the years since our loss, I have talked with many strangers that received my name from a friend and each time, I think that I have been the one that has received a blessing! We had a memorial service and I wrote a poem about him and read it.....we still have that poem and his pictures matted and hanging in our bedroom.....Gracie thinks that the neatest thing about Bryce is that he is in heaven with Jesus and she says that she looks forward to seeing him.....I do too!
Dakota Bryce Shore
June 4, 1997
God gave us each other
and permanently bonded our love,
and we know there's a reason
He's taken our son up above.
We may not understand it
today or tomorrow,
we don't know quite what we're feeling,
pain, confusion, or sorrow?!
But we have one another
and we will be okay
don't worry if you see us
and don't know what to say....
We would like to explain our feelings,
we're not really sure we can
we have a solid foundation,
with each other, our family and friends.
Together we made an angel,
and we're still very proud!
so there's no need to whisper his name,
say, "Dakota Bryce", out loud!
Those precious moments we held him,
seem to quickly pass us by,
we didn't know what to say or do,
all we could do was hug each other and cry!
He had a lot of black hair,
and my crinkle in his nose;
his daddy's little dimpled chin,
and we think the Shore toes.
But whether or not he lived or died,
he was a product of our love,
and we know that he's watching us,
with Jesus up above!
So if you can just imagine,
the picture we're trying to paint:
we'd like to think of Bryce, not as dead,
but as a little saint!
You can see him on the other side,
only if you are saved;
just look for the littlest cowboy,
and wait for him to wave!
This is Bryce's memorial service,
and we have a lot to share;
we thank you all for everything,
and please remember us in prayer!
If I can help in any way other than prayer.....let me know! Fortuately, it has made me better, not bitter.....but it took a while! :) Hang in there!
I was completely shocked.
SmilingBluEyes
20,964 Posts
I am so sorry for your loss, too Leah. I sure hope things are better this time around for you and your family.
I have to say, "denial" for me was just that....denial.----it was a sense of disbelief, a sense of "oh not, not again"......a sense of "this is impossible"----"how can it be?"----a sense of "I have had my share of loss ---why again???!"
I guess it's very individual for each person and loss. I have had a total of 5 first and second term losses. For some, that may not qualify as the "same" magnitude of loss as that experienced by the OP or yourself, but it was huge for me, anyhow. Especially the last one.
The stages did not progress according to text, either. I have vascillated between them, for more than a year this last time. I progress two steps forward, one step back, from what I can tell.
it's very individual.