Family issue..Thoughts?

caliotter3 · May 18, 2015

Not to say that this would happen to you, but my experience with cutting the apron string came at almost the midway point of my senior year in college. I cut ties with an overbearing parent, but it blew my schooling all to hades. I was forced to quit due to my fragile health at the time. If I had been in good health and strong, I would not have left school. It turned into something that I have regretted all my adult life. That is why I suggested that you wait until school is done to move out from your mother's home. One major life change at a time puts you in a better position to cope with life. And I hope you are in good health to be starting out on your own. Good luck with your decisions.

denise067 · May 18, 2015

Let me give you my spill on the situation. I had a co-worker that was having a hard time at home while she attended nursing school. Once she finished her last semester, she put a deposit down on an apartment and scheduled her move in date the week after taking the nclex. She told me that her move in was contingent on whether or not she passed the nclex. Once she passed the nclex, she moved out of her mothers home. Sometimes, life can be difficult, however, once you are guarenteed a position, then and only then should you move. Always remember that you only have one year left in school and from there you have a choice as to whether or not you want to stay in your mother's home. Do not allow anyone, especially your mom, decide what is in your best interest. You are an adult and capable of making sound decisions.

jrabbit619 · May 18, 2015

Thanks all of you who took the time out to share your opinions on my situation. I truly appreciate it.

Lulu Belle, RN, EMT-B · May 18, 2015

I was in a very similar situation, except that it was my dad. He was emotionally unstable and abusive and would make threats to kill himself/hurt my mom over my life decisions on a regular basis. It's easy for people to say "just do it, who cares?" but it can be terrifying to stand up to someone who is this controlling.

However, I still say do it. I stood up to my dad, and it was awful for a while. He would sleep in front of my bedroom door because he didn't want me leaving, threaten to tie me up, threaten to call the cops on ME because I was "a danger to myself" for wanting to leave his house. But now I go to college several states away and even though me leaving pretty much sent him over the edge, our relationship is actually a lot better now. He knows that he can accept me being my own person, or he doesn't get to see me at all.

Regardless of your choice, I wish you the best of luck.

blah_blah_blah · May 18, 2015

I didn't read all the responses, so excuse me if I repeat someone else, but as someone else said you are an adult. You do not owe her an explanation for your life choices. You do not need to plan your life around her. What situation would you rather be in? Living at home and hating life with your mom dictating every move you make, or move out and be happy and she won't talk to you? I don't know your life beyond what you shared, but even though she is overbearing and favors your sister, it seems like she loves you and you love her. I mean if you didn't love her you wouldn't care if she never spoke to you again correct? If she does stop talking to you after you move out, maybe she won't hold out forever. It seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Personally, if I were you, I'd get a steady job as a nurse, save up for a few months, and pack up and leave. I'd let her know that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her, but you need to move out and "spread your wings" so to speak.

Miss.LeoRN · May 18, 2015

I actually agree 100% with this.....but I don't think counseling would help. I just think I need to get out of the situation.

Therapy can help you immensely. You need someone to help build you up considering that everyone else around you, by your own accounts, are tearing you down. You already said yourself, you care more about the people who are hurting you than you care for yourself. How can you be an advocate for your patients if you are to be a nurse, when you cannot advocate for yourself?

It can be incredibly helpful to have someone to talk to, to confide in, to give you the support and strength you need in the situation you are in. Like someone else mentioned, it is difficult to stand up to someone in a situation like this. Especially a parent. There is nothing shameful in seeking help and support. Even if you are only meeting once a week or twice a month. You should honestly look into it, for yourself.

ktwlpn, LPN · May 18, 2015

Therapy can help you immensely. You need someone to help build you up considering that everyone else around you, by your own accounts, are tearing you down. You already said yourself, you care more about the people who are hurting you than you care for yourself. How can you be an advocate for your patients if you are to be a nurse, when you cannot advocate for yourself?
It can be incredibly helpful to have someone to talk to, to confide in, to give you the support and strength you need in the situation you are in. Like someone else mentioned, it is difficult to stand up to someone in a situation like this. Especially a parent. There is nothing shameful in seeking help and support. Even if you are only meeting once a week or twice a month. You should honestly look into it, for yourself.

Great post.....I will only add reluctance to pursue therapy is also a symptom.No-one escapes a dysfunctional family without a few scars.

imintrouble, BSN, RN · May 18, 2015

It's easy to blame somebody else when we're paralyzed with fear or indecision. "I can't do this, because she won't let me", just doesn't pass the reality test.

Start a new life, or stay where you are, but stop blaming your mother.

Once we're adults, we're responsible for our own decisions.

Red Kryptonite · May 18, 2015

When my parents got divorced, my mom turned me into her best friend. I was 8. I thought it was cool and I was grown up. I won't go into gory detail, but as I got older, I began to realize that the only needs met in that relationship were hers. When I got a little more assertive and tried to impose some balance in the relationship, I was very firmly made to know that I was not allowed to have needs of my own, my purpose was to continue to be the reservoir from which she filled her bottomless pit. She is extremely emotionally unhealthy and incapable of making good decisions about money, dating, or even friends. But I was constant, and at least as a child, controllable. I also had to deal with the favoritism dynamic, as she always coddled my brother and while she would deny it if directly asked, never even tried to hide it in her behavior.

The biggest regret of my life comes from not being able to pull myself out of her orbit in time. As a senior in high school, because of my grades and area of interest, I was offered a full ride by the University of Alaska at Fairbanks. I turned it down, because she couldn't handle the idea of me being so far away. I have no illusions about what a hard place to live Fairbanks is, but what an EXPERIENCE that would have been for a suburban southern California girl like me. My father was devastated. He was raised in the military and joined it himself, and had lived in Germany, Japan, Morocco, Spain, and all over the US, and he wanted me to get out of the small city we lived in and see some of the world. As for me, I almost immediately regretted it, but what could I do? I also couldn't join my fiance at his university in Chicago, for the same reasons. Boy, when he came on the scene did she panic. She realized what a threat he was to the dynamic she had going with me. So, I limited myself to the one four year university in our county at the time and packed the love of my life off to live 2/3 of the country away from me.

And then I spent a miserable year at school only half an hour from where I grew up, mourning the loss of an adventure, missing the man I loved, and dealing with awful dorm mates. By Christmas break I'd had it. I started laying plans to transfer to Chicago. On spring break I flew to Chicago to visit and finalize the transfer. And after that school year, I spent the summer being punished by my mother while my dad celebrated and wished me good luck and fun adventures. When my now husband and I packed up my Honda and drove east together, the sense of freedom was intoxicating.

After I moved to Chicago was when I really grew up and began the journey to adulthood. (Epilogue: my husband told me if I had gone to Alaska he would have followed me there. He was on ROTC scholarship and looked to see if they had it there, so he could plan a transfer if necessary. *sigh*)

You need to break away. Move out, live on your own, make decisions, take risks, have adventures.....on your own terms. But you have to absolutely own what happens. You can't break away while running home for help. You might need to consider moving relatively far away to really get out of the sphere of influence.

Please take this advice from someone who's been there: don't let the emotional vampire steal your life, no matter what their name or title. Good luck.

RainMom · May 18, 2015

But when she threatens to never talk to me again that's honestly what makes me stay.

Call her on it. Move out (if not now, then definitely when you graduate). I guarantee she will talk to you again, even if it's just to beg you to come back. Live your own life & let her figure out her own. You are not responsible for her actions; don't let her dictate yours.

I honestly can't relate myself but my best friend was in a similar situation. As soon as she turned 16 & was able to get a job in HS, her mom started charging her "rent" & basically claimed most if not all of her pay. I've never known her mother to have a job & they survived on welfare. My friend was verbally & emotionally abused imo. She stayed until one yr after HS graduation, left for the Air Force & never looked back. These many yrs later, she is a successful HS math teacher, wife, mother & about the furthest thing from the lifestyle she grew up with. Because of her choices & her mother's disapproval, she doesn't maintain a close relationship with her mother, but the relationship is still there & with time & distance, is probably better than it ever was before.

You may go through some rocky periods while she adjusts but she will get over it.

emmjayy, BSN, RN · May 18, 2015

OP, move. You are already not enjoying any of the advantages that people living at home enjoy (aka, not having to pay rent, getting a break on loans, etc.) You may as well take the stress of dealing with your controlling mother out of the situation. Remember, you are not responsible for your mom's feelings or behaviors. If she chooses to freak out on you for moving out, that is her choice and not your fault. Obviously, you should be civil and calm about it so that you can remain blameless in the situation, but if she's going to act crazy, it's just what she's going to do.

If you do choose to remain with her, you should work as hard as you can to enact good boundaries with her. It will be hard, it will take time, she will fight it but you must do it for your own good. I live with my parents and a couple of years ago it was very difficult. They were controlling, the environment was toxic due to them, me, and my 4 younger siblings all living together, it was all sorts of bad. I went to therapy, learned what was mine to deal with and what wasn't, and put my foot down (slowly and tentatively, at first). Now, I live in complete harmony with my parents and while my siblings are still awful, I have minimized my dealings with them and refuse to emotionally engage in any of their drama. Life is pretty pleasant for me these days and it's all down to me deciding what my boundaries were and enforcing them.

ktwlpn, LPN · May 18, 2015

When my parents got divorced, my mom turned me into her best friend. I was 8. I thought it was cool and I was grown up. I won't go into gory detail, but as I got older, I began to realize that the only needs met in that relationship were hers. When I got a little more assertive and tried to impose some balance in the relationship, I was very firmly made to know that I was not allowed to have needs of my own, my purpose was to continue to be the reservoir from which she filled her bottomless pit. She is extremely emotionally unhealthy and incapable of making good decisions about money, dating, or even friends. But I was constant, and at least as a child, controllable. I also had to deal with the favoritism dynamic, as she always coddled my brother and while she would deny it if directly asked, never even tried to hide it in her behavior.
The biggest regret of my life comes from not being able to pull myself out of her orbit in time. As a senior in high school, because of my grades and area of interest, I was offered a full ride by the University of Alaska at Fairbanks. I turned it down, because she couldn't handle the idea of me being so far away. I have no illusions about what a hard place to live Fairbanks is, but what an EXPERIENCE that would have been for a suburban southern California girl like me. My father was devastated. He was raised in the military and joined it himself, and had lived in Germany, Japan, Morocco, Spain, and all over the US, and he wanted me to get out of the small city we lived in and see some of the world. As for me, I almost immediately regretted it, but what could I do? I also couldn't join my fiance at his university in Chicago, for the same reasons. Boy, when he came on the scene did she panic. She realized what a threat he was to the dynamic she had going with me. So, I limited myself to the one four year university in our county at the time and packed the love of my life off to live 2/3 of the country away from me.
And then I spent a miserable year at school only half an hour from where I grew up, mourning the loss of an adventure, missing the man I loved, and dealing with awful dorm mates. By Christmas break I'd had it. I started laying plans to transfer to Chicago. On spring break I flew to Chicago to visit and finalize the transfer. And after that school year, I spent the summer being punished by my mother while my dad celebrated and wished me good luck and fun adventures. When my now husband and I packed up my Honda and drove east together, the sense of freedom was intoxicating.
After I moved to Chicago was when I really grew up and began the journey to adulthood. (Epilogue: my husband told me if I had gone to Alaska he would have followed me there. He was on ROTC scholarship and looked to see if they had it there, so he could plan a transfer if necessary. *sigh*)
You need to break away. Move out, live on your own, make decisions, take risks, have adventures.....on your own terms. But you have to absolutely own what happens. You can't break away while running home for help. You might need to consider moving relatively far away to really get out of the sphere of influence.
Please take this advice from someone who's been there: don't let the emotional vampire steal your life, no matter what their name or title. Good luck.

Awesome post.I don't even know you but I am proud of what you have accomplished!