Family issue..Thoughts?

[jrabbit619]

LONG POST****

Hello guys,

I have been a lurker of this site for about 4 years now and finally decided to make an account today. Before I get started here's a little bit of background information about me.

I am 21, from Texas. I am a senior BSN program. I still live at home with my mom and 2 younger siblings.

Now for the story...

I am having family issues at home. It has not been the first time, it actually happens very often. My mom and I have never really had a great relationship since I can remember. She seems to have a "favorite" child, whom is my 16 year old sister. Since I can remember she has always gone out of her way to satisfy my sister, kiss her **s just to make sure not to disappoint her. She will pretty much agree with anything my sister does and says just to please her. Recently, she brought up the idea of my letting my sister go off to college. This is where my problem comes in..

When it was my time to go off to college she absolutely said no and threatened that if I left she would not talk to me anymore. I didn't have a car, had never held a job before, and the first person in my family to attend college so the thought of me being out on my own without a parent to talk to scared me, so I followed my mom's wishes and stayed close. She then told me that if I went to a local college (20 minutes away) I could move on campus. Once I agreed to go to the local college and it was time for me to look for dorms, she said no. Fast forward 4 years later, I'm a senior in a nursing program, 21 years old, and she still will not agree to let me move out!!! She has also tried to talk me into living here once I graduate college as well. NOT HAPPENING.

It angers me because she's agreed to let my sister leaves once she finishes high school. Today I brought up the option of moving into my own apartment (about 15 minutes away) and she flipped out. I am not happy living here because she is controlling my whole life. Not to mention she also tries to control my friends, who I date, my money, etc. Pretty much my whole life. Meanwhile, my 16 year old sisters lives a better life than me. She claims that she doesn't care if I left, but soon as I bring it up all hell breaks loose.

The only reason I have not up and left yet is because I do not want to upset or disappoint my mom in any way but it seems as though she is going to control me as long as I allow her to BUT now I think its time for me to go whether she likes it or not. I do not feel like it's fair for her to choose my college and place of residence for 4 years of my life, meanwhile actively plans and help look for colleges for my sister to move to once she graduates. I have basically lived 4 years of my life for my mom. It has been so miserable.

I have no clue what it's like to be a college student honestly. All I do is go to school, work, and home. No life at all.

PS: She MADE me stay here and MAKES me pay rent as well. She has never put in a dime on my college education. I've paid out of pocket or loans.

Any thoughts of my situation?? What would you do?

[jrabbit619]

I advise moving. No sooner than you graduate and immediately. Consider this. You are PAYING to live in this situation. You are allowing someone else to have complete control over your life. I understand it might be hard, and painful... but you should never allow someone, parent or otherwise, to treat you are anything less than what you deserve. And no one deserves this. You actually, and sadly, sound more bitter towards your sister in your post than you do your mother, when it's she who should be the focus of that bitterness.

It's more so my mom's fault. But I don't have a close relationship with my sister either for the simple fact that she pretty much acts just like my mom. She doesn't control me, but she acts as though she's the older of the two of us can treat me however she wants to simply because my mom does....and sadly it's rubbing off on my youngest sibling as well.

[jrabbit619]

OK...you are 21, that makes you an adult. You are already paying rent to your landlord/mother so you must have the financial means to pay rent. So, if you want to move, move.

ps please stop worrying about the "favorite child" it makes no difference in your life and just makes you sound like the jealous sibling.

"Favorite child" is the truth though. Some people don't understand because they've never experienced it but there is a such thing when the parent treats one child better than the other or supports one more than the other. If me telling the truth makes me sound like the jealous sibling ..... I'm a jealous sibling.

[Miss.LeoRN]

It's more so my mom's fault. But I don't have a close relationship with my sister either for the simple fact that she pretty much acts just like my mom. She doesn't control me, but she acts as though she's the older of the two of us can treat me however she wants to simply because my mom does....and sadly it's rubbing off on my youngest sibling as well.

It's the example that you're allowing. which your sister is following. Remember, she's 16, she's a teenager. She has a certain attitude around her already, and what part of development is she struggling with? Identity. If she's closer to your mother than you are, then she'll start to imitate the way she acts towards you. Indeed, this will rub off on your younger sibling too. Stop allowing it. You need to take a stand for yourself.

Have faith in yourself, and take the jump. You're already suffering emotionally. And emotional stress will result in physical stress. How worse for wear can it be if one day you drive up in a moving truck and move out? Or just tell your mother, it's time you get your own place. You want to be on your own. You need to be on your own. If she tells you she won't talk to you... then tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but you love her, and she'll be welcome at your place when she'd like to see you and she can call anytime. I'd advise against giving her a key though. You need to assert control over your life. Over your own choices. As scared as you are in the idea of it... that first night on your own may be the most peaceful experience and uplifting weight that you could need.

Two semesters... is a long time, another year in the situation that you are living. Do you honestly want to remain in that environment? Moving is an adjustment. It may have a slight impact on your education. Move over the summer or over a break. Or just juggle it. You can do it, and certainly there are people you know who can help you get it done and over with lickity split.

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

It sounds like it might be financially easier to stick it out until graduation and then move out when you've secured a nursing job. However in the meantime, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, not trying to sound judgy---you should really look into getting therapy to help you come to grips with the extremely unhealthy family dynamic you've been raised in, and to learn how to break free of that toxic environment. You're 21 years old, a full grown adult, and would do well to get professional help to start standing up for yourself and caring less what your family thinks of you. It seems clear they only care about controlling your life, not your happiness.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

You can choose to not allow this to shape you .....or you can let it effect you for the rest of your life.If you take that route you will have an easy "out" anytime things don't go your way.Remember " There are NO victims,only volunteers".I am starting to hear a little of the victim in your posts.You are choosing to remain in that environment and you are choosing to allow your 16 yr old sister to speak to you in a disrespectful manner.Finish school-don't add a lot of stress to your life now.Get your license and then go...

[jrabbit619]

It's the example that you're allowing. which your sister is following. Remember, she's 16, she's a teenager. She has a certain attitude around her already, and what part of development is she struggling with? Identity. If she's closer to your mother than you are, then she'll start to imitate the way she acts towards you. Indeed, this will rub off on your younger sibling too. Stop allowing it. You need to take a stand for yourself.

Have faith in yourself, and take the jump. You're already suffering emotionally. And emotional stress will result in physical stress. How worse for wear can it be if one day you drive up in a moving truck and move out? Or just tell your mother, it's time you get your own place. You want to be on your own. You need to be on your own. If she tells you she won't talk to you... then tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but you love her, and she'll be welcome at your place when she'd like to see you and she can call anytime. I'd advise against giving her a key though. You need to assert control over your life. Over your own choices. As scared as you are in the idea of it... that first night on your own may be the most peaceful experience and uplifting weight that you could need.

Two semesters... is a long time, another year in the situation that you are living. Do you honestly want to remain in that environment? Moving is an adjustment. It may have a slight impact on your education. Move over the summer or over a break. Or just juggle it. You can do it, and certainly there are people you know who can help you get it done and over with lickity split.

So encouraging and nice to hear. You are exactly right. I just don't want to move and end up struggling financially to pay bills. Then I'd have to spend more time on work and less on school .. then just like that it can all go downhill so quickly and I could lose everything I've worked for.

I think the only reason I haven't "stood up for myself" is because I feel like I'll be disrespecting her. And for some reason I care more about her feelings than my own. I'd rather suffer than to feel like I'm hurting the person that has taken care of me.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

So encouraging and nice to hear. You are exactly right. I just don't want to move and end up struggling financially to pay bills. Then I'd have to spend more time on work and less on school .. then just like that it can all go downhill so quickly and I could lose everything I've worked for.

I think the only reason I haven't "stood up for myself" is because I feel like I'll be disrespecting her. And for some reason I care more about her feelings than my own. I'd rather suffer than to feel like I'm hurting the person that has taken care of me.

You really should seek some counseling so you can put your past behind you.You sound co-dependent,it's not healthy.You have to change the patterning or you will be stuck in lousy friendships and relationships for the rest of your life.You don't deserve to suffer,you don't deserve to feel bad....

[jrabbit619]

You really should seek some counseling so you can put your past behind you.You sound co-dependent,it's not healthy.You have to change the patterning or you will be stuck in lousy friendships and relationships for the rest of your life.You don't deserve to suffer,you don't deserve to feel bad....

I actually agree 100% with this.....but I don't think counseling would help. I just think I need to get out of the situation.

[amoLucia]

There has been some good advice offered here by PPs. But OP, you seem to always have some kind of comeback for a WHY NOT.

I'm hoping this is NOT another one of those posts where a new OP (May '15) is out to 'skunk' the respondents who answer in good faith.

I'm wondering if I should get out some popcorn or put a lid on the pot ... Or am I just being cynical???

[jrabbit619]

There has been some good advice offered here by PPs. But OP, you seem to always have some kind of comeback for a WHY NOT.

I'm hoping this is NOT another one of those posts where a new OP (May '15) is out to 'skunk' the respondents who answer in good faith.

I'm wondering if I should get out some popcorn or put a lid on the pot ... Or am I just being cynical???

And I appreciate the advice given by everyone who took the time out to respond because in reality, everything that they have said has been true. It was great and I am taking it all into consideration.

I'm hoping you're not coming to this post to start drama. You're being cynical.

**And I stated I was a new poster in the very beginning of the original post if you haven't read it.

[WanderingWilder, ASN]

Is it possible to move into a dorm at the school? My opinion is you need to move, I doubt the stress of bills could possibly be worse then the situation you are in now and a year is a really long time. You are in an emotionally abusive situation with a narcissistic parent. You need to start making this relationship be on your terms not hers.

[brandiep1982]

Hey, graduate with your BSN. Then? Get the heck out of dodge. :) Really, you are 21. Your mom cannot force you to do anything. Period. You control your life. If your mom threatens to not speak to you, respond calmly. That is her decision. It is a decision that hurts and scares you, but you will no longer allow her to control your life. It is time for you to live your own life.

Your mom sounds like she may have some serious attachment issues, or she may have fears about your leaving that she does not have with her younger daughter... insecurities from mistakes she may feel she made with you that she went overboard trying not to make with your sister.

I don't think there is any reason for me to trash your mom. I don't know her. I am not her. I don't know the reasons for her behavior. But it is not a healthy situation for you to feel threatened if you choose to live your life. Worst case? She really does stop speaking to you. If it were me, I would choose to accept her decision. That does not mean she can stop me from showing her I still love and forgive her. I would probably send her cards, leave her messages (occasionally, not like stalking lol), just so she knows I am there and I love here if she ever changes her mind.

Good luck to you! I hope for the best for you and your mom.