Family issue..Thoughts?

[jrabbit619]

LONG POST****

Hello guys,

I have been a lurker of this site for about 4 years now and finally decided to make an account today. Before I get started here's a little bit of background information about me.

I am 21, from Texas. I am a senior BSN program. I still live at home with my mom and 2 younger siblings.

Now for the story...

I am having family issues at home. It has not been the first time, it actually happens very often. My mom and I have never really had a great relationship since I can remember. She seems to have a "favorite" child, whom is my 16 year old sister. Since I can remember she has always gone out of her way to satisfy my sister, kiss her **s just to make sure not to disappoint her. She will pretty much agree with anything my sister does and says just to please her. Recently, she brought up the idea of my letting my sister go off to college. This is where my problem comes in..

When it was my time to go off to college she absolutely said no and threatened that if I left she would not talk to me anymore. I didn't have a car, had never held a job before, and the first person in my family to attend college so the thought of me being out on my own without a parent to talk to scared me, so I followed my mom's wishes and stayed close. She then told me that if I went to a local college (20 minutes away) I could move on campus. Once I agreed to go to the local college and it was time for me to look for dorms, she said no. Fast forward 4 years later, I'm a senior in a nursing program, 21 years old, and she still will not agree to let me move out!!! She has also tried to talk me into living here once I graduate college as well. NOT HAPPENING.

It angers me because she's agreed to let my sister leaves once she finishes high school. Today I brought up the option of moving into my own apartment (about 15 minutes away) and she flipped out. I am not happy living here because she is controlling my whole life. Not to mention she also tries to control my friends, who I date, my money, etc. Pretty much my whole life. Meanwhile, my 16 year old sisters lives a better life than me. She claims that she doesn't care if I left, but soon as I bring it up all hell breaks loose.

The only reason I have not up and left yet is because I do not want to upset or disappoint my mom in any way but it seems as though she is going to control me as long as I allow her to BUT now I think its time for me to go whether she likes it or not. I do not feel like it's fair for her to choose my college and place of residence for 4 years of my life, meanwhile actively plans and help look for colleges for my sister to move to once she graduates. I have basically lived 4 years of my life for my mom. It has been so miserable.

I have no clue what it's like to be a college student honestly. All I do is go to school, work, and home. No life at all.

PS: She MADE me stay here and MAKES me pay rent as well. She has never put in a dime on my college education. I've paid out of pocket or loans.

Any thoughts of my situation?? What would you do?

[jrabbit619]

***Long Post. If you don't want to read it all go to bottom for summary!

Hello everyone. I just wanted to thank everybody for the advice. I wanted to give you all an update since it's been a while since I posted.

Everything has been calm in my household since last time I posted. Still very much dysfunctional, but calm none the less. I have been working full time all summer so I'm rarely home, which cuts down on a lot of unnecessary problems. I did attempt to develop a better relationship with my mom, to no prevail. For a couple of weeks I would come home and try to talk to her--spark up a conversation. Ask her about her day, talk about my day at work, etc. I always got nothing. Every now and then she will say a couple words here or there, but majority of the time she is very uninterested in me or anything I have to say. On the other hand, she talks for hours on end with my sister.

There has also been another thing that has been bothering me. Naturally, my mom is a very loud person, she talks very loud. For as long as I can remember, I have never known her to have an "inside voice", so when she talks to where she can't be heard, I know something is up. When I come home from work and she and my sister are talking, they completely stop talking when I enter the room. Then as I go off to my room they would start back talking but they do a lot of whispering, which leads me to think they may (or may not) be talking about me, or they may not want me in their conversation. This is something that goes on 90% of the time, and has been happening for a couple years now.

Ever since I was about 13/14, me and my mom's relationship has been non-existent. There is no on and off. It has been an on-going problem for almost 10 years. I've always been a good kid. Kind of shy, very quiet. Got straight A's in elementary, middle, and high school, and have even been able to maintain it throughout college. I wasn't the typical teenager. Never got in trouble at school, no drama, no fights, etc. Literally went to school and straight home in high school, never hung out with friends, etc. So I honestly don't know how all of this came about.

I will never understand how a mother could be so emotionally unattached to her child, realize the emotional damage she has caused, and still not give one care in the world. Yet, it's the complete opposite with my sister. A child should never have to question a mother's love or feel like they don't belong in their own home (and family), yet for so long that has been my constant struggle. She has also pretty much brainwashed my younger siblings..so they act just like her. If I try to talk to them, they barely respond, etc. They don't seem to care for me either.

I'm almost positive that if she wasn't benefiting from me monetarily, I would have been out a long time ago. That's all she seems to care about (or talk about) when it comes to me, because as far as having a real mother/daughter relationship with me or making our relationship better than what it is...yeah, it's not happening.

Sometimes it is just emotionally draining to be in a house full of people, yet still be alone. Definitely trying to stay busy this summer to avoid any issues that could arise and cause chaos.

**Summary: Other than not being able to talk to anyone in my household and feeling like I don't belong, everything has been calm (no arguing). Not ideal, but it works for the time being. I have 10 months to go. Definitely trying to make it work because once the semester starts I'll be here even less than I am now. And once I do leave, boy do I plan on going MIA for a while. I'm done trying to make a bad situation good, so from now on unless she tries to make it better, it is what it is.

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

Ever read the book "A child called It"?

[OrganizedChaos, LVN]

You definitely could benefit from some good therapy. I hope you go one day.

[pixiestudent2]

***Long Post. If you don't want to read it all go to bottom for summary!

Hello everyone. I just wanted to thank everybody for the advice. I wanted to give you all an update since it's been a while since I posted.

Everything has been calm in my household since last time I posted. Still very much dysfunctional, but calm none the less. I have been working full time all summer so I'm rarely home, which cuts down on a lot of unnecessary problems. I did attempt to develop a better relationship with my mom, to no prevail. For a couple of weeks I would come home and try to talk to her--spark up a conversation. Ask her about her day, talk about my day at work, etc. I always got nothing. Every now and then she will say a couple words here or there, but majority of the time she is very uninterested in me or anything I have to say. On the other hand, she talks for hours on end with my sister.

There has also been another thing that has been bothering me. Naturally, my mom is a very loud person, she talks very loud. For as long as I can remember, I have never known her to have an "inside voice", so when she talks to where she can't be heard, I know something is up. When I come home from work and she and my sister are talking, they completely stop talking when I enter the room. Then as I go off to my room they would start back talking but they do a lot of whispering, which leads me to think they may (or may not) be talking about me, or they may not want me in their conversation. This is something that goes on 90% of the time, and has been happening for a couple years now.

Ever since I was about 13/14, me and my mom's relationship has been non-existent. There is no on and off. It has been an on-going problem for almost 10 years. I've always been a good kid. Kind of shy, very quiet. Got straight A's in elementary, middle, and high school, and have even been able to maintain it throughout college. I wasn't the typical teenager. Never got in trouble at school, no drama, no fights, etc. Literally went to school and straight home in high school, never hung out with friends, etc. So I honestly don't know how all of this came about.

I will never understand how a mother could be so emotionally unattached to her child, realize the emotional damage she has caused, and still not give one care in the world. Yet, it's the complete opposite with my sister. A child should never have to question a mother's love or feel like they don't belong in their own home (and family), yet for so long that has been my constant struggle. She has also pretty much brainwashed my younger siblings..so they act just like her. If I try to talk to them, they barely respond, etc. They don't seem to care for me either.

I'm almost positive that if she wasn't benefiting from me monetarily, I would have been out a long time ago. That's all she seems to care about (or talk about) when it comes to me, because as far as having a real mother/daughter relationship with me or making our relationship better than what it is...yeah, it's not happening.

Sometimes it is just emotionally draining to be in a house full of people, yet still be alone. Definitely trying to stay busy this summer to avoid any issues that could arise and cause chaos.

**Summary: Other than not being able to talk to anyone in my household and feeling like I don't belong, everything has been calm (no arguing). Not ideal, but it works for the time being. I have 10 months to go. Definitely trying to make it work because once the semester starts I'll be here even less than I am now. And once I do leave, boy do I plan on going MIA for a while. I'm done trying to make a bad situation good, so from now on unless she tries to make it better, it is what it is.

This makes my heart hurt.

((Hugs))

[Red Kryptonite]

This makes my heart hurt.

((Hugs))

Mine too.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

I hope you will check in from time to time. If your mom won't/can't give you hugs for all your hard work and accomplishments, your nursing community here can do so cyber-wise. :)

I have two daughters and although they could not be more different from each other, I love them both so much and cannot imagine treating one of them better than the other. I think it might help you to realize that perhaps your mother has a personality disorder or some other kind of psychological problem. In other words, it's her, NOT YOU, and it's not that your sister is better in any way or more lovable. Your mother sounds broken. She may not even have a clue how her behavior is affecting you. I'm sorry.

I agree with you staying there, laying low, and saving every single dime you can get your hands on. After you have landed a job, consider setting a two month time frame to work, get your feet on the ground, and save even more money for the move. And do not stay even ONE MORE DAY after that move out day. Don't even tell your mom. Just schedule your move out date at your new place, and on that day, calmly gather your things, make sure your home rent has been paid in full, and move. Don't get involved in any conversation about it, be respectful but firm.

And I really wish you'd consider counseling. It's not for "crazy people," it's for helping people like you develop strategies to cope with difficult people and the crappy cards we are sometimes dealt in life. A good therapist is better than a good friend in some ways because they can be objective and they won't hold back from you in the interest of preserving a friendship. They will tell you the whole truth, but they will be on your side and can see things from a different perspective. They will help you navigate your relationship with your mother and will support you so that you feel empowered to follow through on any plan you devise.

Good luck. And please keep us updated.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Horseshoe is so right. When I was in therapy around the time of the end of my first marriage, my goals were simple: to figure out why I got embroiled in such a poor relationship in the first place, to be a much better example to me (then very small) children...and to figure out what to do about my (very similar) relationship with my mother. Long story made short, I could probably have saved myself a boatload of trouble over a lot of years if I'd figured out the mother part before I got married.

You have a plan for an exit, and this is good. You could be collecting things for your apartment from second-hand stores, like kitchen stuff, linens, etc., if you have a safe place to keep them.

But. Look beyond that happy day, and set a good foundation on which to build the rest of a better, more fulfilled life. Spend some time with a good therapist. I don't think about mine often anymore -- it's been almost thirty years now-- but when I do, it's with the deepest gratitude for how she gave me the rest of my life whole and clear. Put that in your plan, too. You, and your future relationships, deserve it.

[jrabbit619]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Taking all advice into consideration and so far so good. I'll definitely keep you all posted on what happens but for now everything is working out.

However, I need advice on a particular subject, but I don't want to post all the details here. I would love to DM someone instead. So if I could DM you please let me know!

[ktwlpn, LPN]

I am always ready to tell someone something about themselves...I am in the middle of my Bloody Mary dinner,now is a good time....

[SmilingBluEyes]

I suggest counseling. "Just move out" won't work so easily for you as you are under her thumb and used to pleasing her and doing what she says. She has such a strong hold over you, it's obnoxious and makes you sick. I think you need to find empowerment to do what works for you and you don't have it in you to "just do it". Trust me; I have been where you are and could have told your story. Your mother is at the least abusive mentally.

Get a therapist and at least get some validation and help to be stronger. It will save you years of misery at this woman's hands and help in life later on.

Then you will find the strength to move on, not just move out.

Good luck.

[SmilingBluEyes]

You can direct message me, if you like. I was exactly where you are in my youth. I have a load of experience with an abusive, narcissistic and controlling mother. I am free, happy and healthy now.