Family issue..Thoughts?

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LONG POST****

Hello guys,

I have been a lurker of this site for about 4 years now and finally decided to make an account today. Before I get started here's a little bit of background information about me.

I am 21, from Texas. I am a senior BSN program. I still live at home with my mom and 2 younger siblings.

Now for the story...

I am having family issues at home. It has not been the first time, it actually happens very often. My mom and I have never really had a great relationship since I can remember. She seems to have a "favorite" child, whom is my 16 year old sister. Since I can remember she has always gone out of her way to satisfy my sister, kiss her **s just to make sure not to disappoint her. She will pretty much agree with anything my sister does and says just to please her. Recently, she brought up the idea of my letting my sister go off to college. This is where my problem comes in..

When it was my time to go off to college she absolutely said no and threatened that if I left she would not talk to me anymore. I didn't have a car, had never held a job before, and the first person in my family to attend college so the thought of me being out on my own without a parent to talk to scared me, so I followed my mom's wishes and stayed close. She then told me that if I went to a local college (20 minutes away) I could move on campus. Once I agreed to go to the local college and it was time for me to look for dorms, she said no. Fast forward 4 years later, I'm a senior in a nursing program, 21 years old, and she still will not agree to let me move out!!! She has also tried to talk me into living here once I graduate college as well. NOT HAPPENING.

It angers me because she's agreed to let my sister leaves once she finishes high school. Today I brought up the option of moving into my own apartment (about 15 minutes away) and she flipped out. I am not happy living here because she is controlling my whole life. Not to mention she also tries to control my friends, who I date, my money, etc. Pretty much my whole life. Meanwhile, my 16 year old sisters lives a better life than me. She claims that she doesn't care if I left, but soon as I bring it up all hell breaks loose.

The only reason I have not up and left yet is because I do not want to upset or disappoint my mom in any way but it seems as though she is going to control me as long as I allow her to BUT now I think its time for me to go whether she likes it or not. I do not feel like it's fair for her to choose my college and place of residence for 4 years of my life, meanwhile actively plans and help look for colleges for my sister to move to once she graduates. I have basically lived 4 years of my life for my mom. It has been so miserable.

I have no clue what it's like to be a college student honestly. All I do is go to school, work, and home. No life at all.

PS: She MADE me stay here and MAKES me pay rent as well. She has never put in a dime on my college education. I've paid out of pocket or loans.

Any thoughts of my situation?? What would you do?

She's very manipulative. There's so many stories I could tell and you wouldn't believe it. I honestly feel like once I do leave I really don't care if I have a relationship with her or not. Even if she does change in the future I feel like it'll be a bit awkward for me to have any type of relationship with her because we've never really had one from the start. And I highly doubt I'll have a successful relationship with my siblings either.

So far I have decided that I'm going to try to stick it out until graduation. I'm definitely going to try to establish some boundaries and if she doesn't like it then so be it. And if I have to I will leave (and live off of loans .. which I feel like I've been doing the whole time anyways).

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There is a really good book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend that I found to be really helpful.

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Specializes in Pediatric Hematology/Oncology.
She's very manipulative. There's so many stories I could tell and you wouldn't believe it. I honestly feel like once I do leave I really don't care if I have a relationship with her or not. Even if she does change in the future I feel like it'll be a bit awkward for me to have any type of relationship with her because we've never really had one from the start. And I highly doubt I'll have a successful relationship with my siblings either.

So far I have decided that I'm going to try to stick it out until graduation. I'm definitely going to try to establish some boundaries and if she doesn't like it then so be it. And if I have to I will leave (and live off of loans .. which I feel like I've been doing the whole time anyways).

I think it's a good choice to stay until graduation. It seems like that would be a lot of drama to add when you're so close to being done -- unless the drama in your current situation is detracting from school. But, you know what's going on and, though it's hard, you will get to a point where you understand how crazy your parents truly are, what life has done to them. Then you will know that separating and doing your own thing is the natural course whether it freaks them out or not. It's a "maturational crisis" as I'm sure you remember from psych. She can develop a new set of coping skills to deal with it. In the meanwhile, don't let her take you down with her. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

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There is a really good book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend that I found to be really helpful.

I will check it out. Also, thanks for the links you posted yesterday. They were actually very helpful and definitely hit home. I'll be looking more into it.

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I think it's a good choice to stay until graduation. It seems like that would be a lot of drama to add when you're so close to being done -- unless the drama in your current situation is detracting from school. But, you know what's going on and, though it's hard, you will get to a point where you understand how crazy your parents truly are, what life has done to them. Then you will know that separating and doing your own thing is the natural course whether it freaks them out or not. It's a "maturational crisis" as I'm sure you remember from psych. She can develop a new set of coping skills to deal with it. In the meanwhile, don't let her take you down with her. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

It's not really affecting me school wise. Sometimes it can be a distraction during the semester, but I have managed to keep my GPA well above 3.5 so I'll be fine in that area. It affects me emotionally more than anything else. It actually motivates me to do well in school so I can get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible.

Thanks to you and everyone else who has taken the time out to help me. I didn't expect to get this much feedback and it has been VERY helpful. I know what steps I need to take. Most importantly I know where to start now. Before posting, I had no idea.

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I come from a difficult background. I am also the favorite child.

Know that it isn't the favorite child's fault. My brothers actively hated me and tried to destroy me emotionally because my father liked me better. Don't be that person.

As far as your situation with your mother goes, the previous posters have pretty much covered that.

There are a couple of things that I think will help you, though.

Go back and read your posts as though they were made by a friend of yours, and give that friend some good advice.

When I have a difficult situation, this is a tactic I use to objectively assess what's going on and start making a plan to fix the problem.

Also, realize who needs to be in the driver's seat in your life. From your posts, it sounds like you have let your mother drive. I believe it is your turn and you are ready to take the wheel.

You can still be respectful and loving of your mother while disagreeing with her. You can also be respectful and loving while setting some boundaries.

There are many resources to help you with this. I believe some counseling might be helpful, whether it is from a trusted friend, a mentor, a relative, or a professional. You can search online for resources and support groups if you are uncomfortable with one on one advice. There are many relationship books out there, too, and you can get a lot of them at your local library.

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

I didn't read all of the responses, but I wanted to throw this out there. Your mom sounds similar to my mother, the controlling behaviour, the manipulation, making your life choices about her, and the favoritism. I'm pretty sure my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. Have you considered your mom may be a narcissist?

Even if she is not a narcissist, you need to leave for your own sanity. That is what I had to do. The unfortunate truth is, she will never change, she is not going to approve of your choices, and she will continue to make what you do all about her.

There is a book called Codendent No More. I think you should check it out. Best of luck.

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Specializes in CVICU.

If a person feels that it is okay to threaten you in order to be close to you, they are not worth having a relationship with; parent or not.

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but I don't think counseling would help.

I'd have to say I disagree with this. I'm usually not a proponent of counseling. However, in your case, I'd say it's exactly what you need. You need to find a counselor who will help you learn that YOU are worth fighting for. YOU are not responsible for your mother's happiness, she is. And YOU are responsible for yours.

You remind me a lot of my step-daughter. Her mother had her favorite children, and my step-daughter was not on the list. She spent years (decades even) trying to win her mother's love and affection, trying to make her mother see her and include her on that list. Until the day I sat her down and told her how much of a mistake her mother was making and that she deserved better - and she (my step-daughter) was the only person who could make it better. She now only communicates with her mother on her terms, she lives her life on her terms, and she is, for the first time in her life, HAPPY.

Find your happiness. Decide you are worth it.

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You're right. She can't make me. But when she threatens to never talk to me again that's honestly what makes me stay. Our relationship really has never been good, but I will still feel guilty by leaving and disappointing her.. Which she takes advantage of.

You've been emotionally abused. Seek counseling asap, seriously. I commend you for having the courage to persevere and get your education, despite your mother's emotional blackmail. At some point it would probably be best for you to cut her off, but you will have to figure that out for yourself.

Check out this article and blog and see if you can relate.

When Mothers Blame Others for their own Disgraceful Behavior :: Emerging From Broken

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As some of the other posters have far more eloquently stated, you definitely are in an abusive situation and probably are codependent. I left a similar situation and have been in therapy for 5 years now to deal with the aftereffects of abuse and to change my coping skills to healthy ones. I can't recommend counseling enough. It literally saved my life, it has made me a better, stronger, kinder person. Finally, I have amassed a wealth of knowledge which really helps my patient care. Please consider it!

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Specializes in HH, Peds, Rehab, Clinical.

Where's your father? Why isn't he in your corner?

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