Neezy, I read through about the first 10 pages. As some of the long-term posters know, I have ADHD and the attention span of a puppy. I may have missed some important things, but I did want to comment on what I saw in your posts.
I want to tell you that what you feel is valid. Your emotions are your own and there is no right or wrong way to feel. You can't just manufacture feelings, they are what they are. It sounds like you have a lot of stressors in your life, not even counting your experiences of violence.
You sound a lot like I did after my Mom died. I was depressed, hopeless, and suicidal. I had experienced a lot of trauma at a young age and losing my mama triggered a lot of that. I couldn't see any way out of my situation. I finally got help once I realized that I had a true plan to kill myself. Scared me into making a change. Believe it or not, it was the thought that my husband would take the cat to the pound if I died that got me motivated. (Good thing I love that cat.)
I first saw a psychiatrist, who gave me antidepressants. That literally saved my life. Once the worst of the depression lifted, I was able to find a good therapist to help me work through my troubles.
I think it most important, in your case, to collaborate with your healthcare team to get yourself emotionally stable. There are several therapies targeted towards resolving traumatic experiences. I would recommend asking someone you know in the military or in law enforcement for a recommendation, as those therapists are experts at dealing with trauma.
I used to be a part of the "put up or shut up" crowd, much like Sour Lemon. In my own time of crisis, I found that "tough love" hurt more than it helped. There were times I had to leave the house to get away from the various implements I could have used to kill myself. I always seemed to reach for those more when I reached out for help and was told that I was the problem.
There's nothing worse than to feel like you're dying and everyone is slapping at the hands you're holding out for help. You become more hopeless when you believe that you are so worthless that even fellow nurses tell you that what you're feeling is your own fault.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to find a compassionate therapist who believed in helping me. The next best thing was ignoring people who tried to minimize or dismiss what I was feeling.
I'm glad you reached out online. I want you to know that you are not alone in what you feel. I also want you to know that you are a valuable person, that you don't have to be nurse to be validated, and that this, too, shall pass.
