Family issue..Thoughts?

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LONG POST****

Hello guys,

I have been a lurker of this site for about 4 years now and finally decided to make an account today. Before I get started here's a little bit of background information about me.

I am 21, from Texas. I am a senior BSN program. I still live at home with my mom and 2 younger siblings.

Now for the story...

I am having family issues at home. It has not been the first time, it actually happens very often. My mom and I have never really had a great relationship since I can remember. She seems to have a "favorite" child, whom is my 16 year old sister. Since I can remember she has always gone out of her way to satisfy my sister, kiss her **s just to make sure not to disappoint her. She will pretty much agree with anything my sister does and says just to please her. Recently, she brought up the idea of my letting my sister go off to college. This is where my problem comes in..

When it was my time to go off to college she absolutely said no and threatened that if I left she would not talk to me anymore. I didn't have a car, had never held a job before, and the first person in my family to attend college so the thought of me being out on my own without a parent to talk to scared me, so I followed my mom's wishes and stayed close. She then told me that if I went to a local college (20 minutes away) I could move on campus. Once I agreed to go to the local college and it was time for me to look for dorms, she said no. Fast forward 4 years later, I'm a senior in a nursing program, 21 years old, and she still will not agree to let me move out!!! She has also tried to talk me into living here once I graduate college as well. NOT HAPPENING.

It angers me because she's agreed to let my sister leaves once she finishes high school. Today I brought up the option of moving into my own apartment (about 15 minutes away) and she flipped out. I am not happy living here because she is controlling my whole life. Not to mention she also tries to control my friends, who I date, my money, etc. Pretty much my whole life. Meanwhile, my 16 year old sisters lives a better life than me. She claims that she doesn't care if I left, but soon as I bring it up all hell breaks loose.

The only reason I have not up and left yet is because I do not want to upset or disappoint my mom in any way but it seems as though she is going to control me as long as I allow her to BUT now I think its time for me to go whether she likes it or not. I do not feel like it's fair for her to choose my college and place of residence for 4 years of my life, meanwhile actively plans and help look for colleges for my sister to move to once she graduates. I have basically lived 4 years of my life for my mom. It has been so miserable.

I have no clue what it's like to be a college student honestly. All I do is go to school, work, and home. No life at all.

PS: She MADE me stay here and MAKES me pay rent as well. She has never put in a dime on my college education. I've paid out of pocket or loans.

Any thoughts of my situation?? What would you do?

Specializes in hospice.
Where's your father? Why isn't he in your corner?

I think if there was a father in the picture he'd have been mentioned by now.

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I think if there was a father in the picture he'd have been mentioned by now.

likely, perhaps he left the mother for the same reasons...

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Specializes in hospice.
likely, perhaps he left the mother for the same reasons...

Always burns my ass when that happens too. Just leave the kids behind because, of course, whatever you can't handle as an adult, they certainly *can* live with, right? Grrrr....

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likely, perhaps he left the mother for the same reasons...

Always burns my ass when that happens too. Just leave the kids behind because, of course, whatever you can't handle as an adult, they certainly *can* live with, right? Grrrr....

That's a big assumption. Who's to say he didn't die? Perhaps the mom is a control freak in reaction to losing the father to an accident, an act of war, or a lingering disease? I know a couple moms who are way controlling and manipulative due to widowhood.

Besides, coming from someone whose parents stayed together for the children's sake for way longer than they should have, just don't. Kids don't fare well in the middle of a war zone. I would rather they had stayed FAR AWAY from each other. Different coasts would have been great. Different countries, even better. I would gladly have never seen one of them instead of being stuck watching both of them disintegrate.

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That's a big assumption. Who's to say he didn't die? Perhaps the mom is a control freak in reaction to losing the father to an accident, an act of war, or a lingering disease? I know a couple moms who are way controlling and manipulative due to widowhood.

Besides, coming from someone whose parents stayed together for the children's sake for way longer than they should have, just don't. Kids don't fare well in the middle of a war zone. I would rather they had stayed FAR AWAY from each other. Different coasts would have been great. Different countries, even better. I would gladly have never seen one of them instead of being stuck watching both of them disintegrate.

Couples break up, that's no excuse to abandon your children. Who knows what the circumstances were for OP's parents, but in general, just because a relationship fails, it doesn't justify a parent leaving the kids; never to be heard from again.

My mom re-married when I was a toddler and I never heard from my bio-dad again until adulthood when he left a message with my maternal grandmother for me to contact him. Hah! After all those years of absence, he had the nerve to put the responsibility on me to call him.

Needless to say, I let sleeping dogs lie.

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Specializes in hospice.

Can't say I disagree with you on that one, lovinglife. Sorry, that really sucks.

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I think that assuming that I don't have a father (and he's not in my life) is a bit ignorant because actually I do. Him and my mom are not together .. why? You have to ask them. We talk quite often but I'm confused as to what he has to do with my mom and the way she acts .............. that's what I started this thread for. Not to debate whether I have a father or not or why he left my mom/why she left him.

Thanks to everyone else who responded to the thread and gave me advice on the situation I posted about.

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Couples break up, that's no excuse to abandon your children. Who knows what the circumstances were for OP's parents, but in general, just because a relationship fails, it doesn't justify a parent leaving the kids; never to be heard from again.

My mom re-married when I was a toddler and I never heard from my bio-dad again until adulthood when he left a message with my maternal grandmother for me to contact him. Hah! After all those years of absence, he had the nerve to put the responsibility on me to call him.

Needless to say, I let sleeping dogs lie.

Who said my dad abandoned me and I never heard from him again? I'm confused as to where this information is coming from.

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Who said my dad abandoned me and I never heard from him again? I'm confused as to where this information is coming from.

nobody, it was a generalized statement of possibility. Is going to live with dad a possibility?

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Who said my dad abandoned me and I never heard from him again? I'm confused as to where this information is coming from.

I was speaking about my own experience.

That said, you did mention that your mom raised you and your siblings alone, so people inferred that your dad was absent. If he's a positive presence in your life, great. What does he have to say about your mom's emotionally abusive behavior?

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She did raise us alone. He did help take care of us money wise, but as far as being in my life every single day .. no. He does know how she is so he chooses not to deal with her very much. I haven't really talked to him about it in depth but I'm sure he knows exactly how she is. I do feel confident that if I do have to move out, he would help me pay rent so that is a possibility. He'd let me live with him, but it's a couple hours from my school (and there are no schools near him) so I'd rather stay where I am.

So far, I'm trying to keep my distance, stay to myself, etc. I try to work as much as possible so I won't have to stay home all the time. I'm not sure if that will go on for another year though. It seems as though she has a problem with EVERYTHING I say or do and then there's chaos. Literally for no reason at all. I'm use to it, but it's getting to the point where it's kind of old.

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You need to move for your own well being. I know that Craigslist gets a bad rap, but if you look under the "shared rooms" area you would likely find a few potential housemates to vett. You're essentially renting a room in their apt/home, so you wouldn't have to pay as much cost upfront. Just be smart and meet in a public place first.

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