Unsupportive spouse?

Published

Anyone starting or in Nursing School and their spouse isn't supportive? My husband is trying to ruin me going to school from ever angle. Anyone else dealt with or dealing with this? He makes it nearly impossible for me to go to class without an argument and we have 3 children so he always uses them as an excuse.

Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
You are making your husband out to be the bad guy here, but maybe he's just wondering how to hold the family together while his wife goes to school. Maybe you could sit down together with him and a neutral third party and write out a plan. His fears, from my point of view, are legitimate, even if his response to them is not. Maybe you can work this out. If you can't . . . will that divorce make it any easier to go to school?

They went counseling before, this isn't a new issues for them. Apparently the counseling didn't work. She stated he wanted her to work & make money, when she got a job he would nag at her about how she isn't at home cooking for him. But then when she was home he wanted her to make money. I think he wants her to do everything so he doesn't have to do anything. If it were me, I would leave him ASAP.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
They went counseling before, this isn't a new issues for them. Apparently the counseling didn't work. She stated he wanted her to work & make money, when she got a job he would nag at her about how she isn't at home cooking for him. But then when she was home he wanted her to make money. I think he wants her to do everything so he doesn't have to do anything. If it were me, I would leave him ASAP.

To add: in abusive situations, whether it be emotional, financial, physical, etc, counseling DOES. NOT. WORK. :no:

OP, I don't know if you are in an abusive situation; if you are, only you can make a determination on what your plan will be-do you have a support system outside of your husband?

Your posts are ringing all sorts of eating bells and red flags to me-just my observation.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Medical Surgical.

OP, I respect that you made vows and are trying to make it work. Maybe you need to one on one tell him how you are feeling. Like, "Husband, I want to go back to school to be a nurse. I realize this will be hard on us but it will be worthwhile when I finish. I feel like you put me down when I try to pursue my goals and it is not helpful to me or our marriage. We have tried counseling, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Can you be supportive of me in this endeavor?" If he can and is making an effort, great. If not, weigh your options. Don't feel bad about the children you made with him. I don't know if you are a person of faith but I find praying helps me deal with conflict in my marriage. Good luck in your journey.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
To add: in abusive situations, whether it be emotional, financial, physical, etc, counseling DOES. NOT. WORK. :no:

OP, I don't know if you are in an abusive situation; if you are, only you can make a determination on what your plan will be-do you have a support system outside of your husband?

Your posts are ringing all sorts of eating bells and red flags to me-just my observation.

Yes, I have been there. I went back & forth with my ex (the guy I mentioned before). We never went to counseling together, he would've never went but it would've never helped either.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You have to leant how to block him out eventually you and focus on school it will be hard but I am doing it and the more I block him the more in indulge myself into school and now I am almost done and I am so proud of myself because if younger him dictate your life and your happiness your will not have any peace and will hate yourself for not doing what you want with your life and you and your kids will benefit from this wonderful career you are walking into

Up Vote Up Vote ×
I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced an unsupportive spouse, apparently I'm the only one.

You are definitely not the only one. I am not in the program yet but my support system sucks at times. I have been working on assignments only to have someone ask me what's for dinner or if I can take a break to watch a movie with them. I don't think they mean to make life more difficult for us they just don't know how to transition into independent functioning adults. I know I created my monsters by being super mom and super significant other.

When I first talked about going back to school, everyone was on board. They talked about being more self-sufficient so that I could succeed. They just didn't have any idea what that actually meant. I wish I could offer some advice that would magically fix this but I am still searching for the answer myself.

Good luck!!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
The losers of this battle of personal ambitions, is the kids.

Too bad nursing school didn't come before the kids.

That's not meant to be snarky, it's just a heartfelt observation.

That's what I'm worried about too.

If he is truly being abusive, then leave.

Of course, we are only hearing one side here.

But if this can be fixed - and one counseling experience doesn't mean you never try again - maybe another family counselor would be a good idea.

The other issue, if he is not being abusive, is that when you divorce, he gets the kids for a certain amount of time and YOU have no control over that.

I truly think the kids need to be the center of this discussion.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
You have to leant how to block him out eventually you and focus on school it will be hard but I am doing it and the more I block him the more in indulge myself into school and now I am almost done and I am so proud of myself because if younger him dictate your life and your happiness your will not have any peace and will hate yourself for not doing what you want with your life and you and your kids will benefit from this wonderful career you are walking into

There is so much more to consider than this "wonderful career". She has three very young children who have no choice in the matter. When you get married you take vows, for better or worse. Sometimes things don't turn out like you want, that doesn't mean you jump ship. Her husband does not sound like an abuser. It sounds like he is conflicted about balancing finances and a healthy home atmosphere. Many families go through this. Not only does he provide for his family of 5, but when he comes home his wife is off to school. I personally have an amazingly supportive husband but I know for sure that going to nursing school when our children were as young as hers would have been too much. By telling her to just "block him out" you are essentially saying pull the trigger on the marriage. Then what? Divorce and custody issues? The possibility of only having her children 50% of the time? When you have a family you have to consider everyone involved and really weight the risks and benefits for everyone involved.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Just some food for thought...nurses do have a high divorce rate..so even if you get into the program, graduate and pass the NCLEX...this career can stress your marriage once you start working...If you can't get your husbands support...it will be hard to graduate and then once you do..if he doesn't support you..you could still loose your marriage...I hope you really like nursing because I would hate for you to find out that you don't and it wasn't worth it in the end.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in hospice.

I get that the kids are very young, and that it might be a good idea to wait a while because of that. However, it's the back and forth with getting a job, nagging her to quit, wanting her to earn money, then whining she's not at home as much, that concerns me. That kind of crap to keep her off balance is classic abuser stuff. He also sounds extremely immature and demanding, and she said counseling hasn't worked and that she suspects he doesn't want to lose the ability to do whatever he wants.

I wonder, sometimes.....don't women actually require that their husband contribute something to the relationship anymore? I mean, did you ask yourself before you married, "What does he give me that's good? What does he bring to the relationship that I need?"

You have the right to expect him to act like an adult, and to support you in your endeavors, especially when they'll benefit the whole family. You also have the right to expect him to parent his own kids.

Whether you go to nursing school or not, I think you have some serious issues to consider in your marriage, OP.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in NICU, Infection Control.

To me, the point of going to school is not to be financially independent, but to have 2 incomes, and make a better life for the whole family.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I agree with other posters that your husband sounds like an abuser to me. When he goes back and forth like that with you and keeps you guessing, that definitely is not good. My ex wasn't supportive either during our marriage, and every time I would bring up the career topic, he would brush it off. Once he told me that he was afraid to lose me if I went on to further my career. I think the ultimate issue for them is control. In the end, after being a stay at home mom for 5.5 years, he kicked me out of the house, brought his mistress in, threw my stuff out and filed for a divorce which is still not over after 2 years. He threw me out with no cash, I had no money and no support system. He did not allow me to see the children for 3 weeks. So, looking back, I see the warning signs: control, control and control!!! I do not regret staying home for the children, they were worth it, but my ex wanted that to keep me dependent on him financially and then destroy me when he wanted. Thank God he did not succeed. My advice, think about your situation in all angles. Keep in mind, that with an abuser, you are always wrong, you can never please him, and in his own eyes, he is always right. Best of luck, and may God give you wisdom. Talk to to someone wise, like a pastor or something.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion