Unsupportive spouse?

allnurses Guide · May 11, 2015

Well I value my marriage and my vows for one so there's that, but you don't leave somebody just because they don't support you in something. He may be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I'm going to be independent of him or it may be something else. Whatever the case is, if I decide to leave, I won't be leaving until I can take care of my children financially without him. Which means I will be finishing nursing school, I've been in school before and without his support so I'll be fine. His support doesn't make or break me. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced an unsupportive spouse, apparently I'm the only one.

You are not the only one who has been through this and no not all spouses are supportive when life changes are happening. My own husband has Asperger's which is a form of very high functioning autism. He is an intellectual genius but a very rigid thinker.

Our son was born when I was in nursing school and my first job was a noc shift so he had to make a lot of changes in his routine which is kind of like changing a small child's routine. It was a terribly hard time for us, especially since we didn't have his diagnosis so I just thought he was being an *******. Things are better now as we have come to recognize eachother's strengths and weaknesses.

Here's the rub - It's likely that you may not find a job right away and you will likely work nights when you start so you will need some kind of support from him even if you are divorced. While nursing can be a great career - it is also stressful and not exactly a magic bullet to freedom and independence. It will take time to get a job, become proficient and confident, and make enough money to even start out on your own. Make sure when you do get a job you are always squirreling a way a bit for your emergency plan. $20 a week equals a little over a $1000.00 a year and is easily doable.

Good luck to you

Hppy

Stalirris · May 11, 2015

I'm so sorry the OP is going through this.

I, too, feel that marriage vows are forever, especially with children involved, but you only get one life and it's short. In any situation in my 16 years of marriage, with 3 kids, my main priorities have always been my children and what's best for them. How can I best be an example for them and provide for them? Children > Spouse/SO every time and anytime. They don't need to grow up seeing/feeling all that drama everyday. Believe me I was aware when my mother was on one of her severe (unmedicated) bipolar tears and Dad said to leave her alone, took us out of the house to be away from her or sent us to his mom's. It deeply affected my sister and I as we grew up.

Unfortunately, nurses and co-dependent relationships are abundantly common. Spouses who drink, are controlling, sabotaging, unwilling to help in the house or with the kids, can't keep a job, are happy with a crappy job and won't look for another, etc. etc. Sure there are these types of couples in all walks of life, but I've worked with tons of nurses in 25 years and find these stories over and over. I think being a co-dependent personality draws many of us to nursing and plays a large role in the way we allow ourselves to be treated by employers.

I'm not putting myself outside the whole co-dependent thing and realize I have to examine what drives my decision and behaviors when it comes to how I'm allowing myself to be treated; whether it's personal/family relationship or professional.

Best of luck to the OP. Being a nurse allows for a wonderful life and a stable job. It's an awesome career that helps the "greater good" of your community and family. It will make you stronger in ways you never knew you could be.

Farawyn · May 11, 2015

What's the deal with these Man/Boys anyway? Spoiled and immature.

The best thing I ever did when my babies were young was go to work and NOT set things up for him. I didn't make him bottles or lay out clothes or anything. He figured it out, appreciated me more, and is an amazing Dad.

Jl0202 · May 11, 2015

Really? He clearly doesn't want to do anything, nothing makes him happy. I'm sure if we got any kind of story from him it wouldn't be any better. I was in a severely abusive relationship, you telling me I should've stayed with him? Married him? Had his kids? That is ridiculous!
If he is as bad (or possibly worse) as she is telling us, she should leave, now! She will have no support during her pre-reqs, nursing school or career. But only she can make that choice. Yes it is difficult to leave someone you married & love, especially when they are abusive. They are great manipulators & make things seem great then BAM! Everything is terrible again, the abuse comes in waves.
So unless you have been in our shoes, don't make disparaging comments like that. No one should stay. But of course it's the males that are saying that garbage.

The OP never said anything about having an abusive spouse. She said he was not supportive of nursing school. Let's keep in mind that they have had three children in a matter of four years. There is a lot of added financial stress and transition going on and it adds a lot of stress for a couple, especially if they do not have strong communication skills and solid finances. I know a few amazing moms who are currently frazzled with three children under the age of five. Both of them have struggled with feelings of resentment towards their husbands because they have lives (work) outside the home. This is a common struggle for stay at home moms with young children. That in itself is not easy. Throw night classes into the mix (since she said she has been doing that for her pre-reqs) and you have a recipe for a whole lot of marital stress. You say he doesn't do anything. He works to support the family. The OP never said he forced her to work or forced her to quit. She also did not ever mention that he withholds money from her or physically abuses her. It sounds like they have a lot of communication issues and they need to work on that.

Red Kryptonite · May 11, 2015

The OP never said he forced her to work or forced her to quit.

Au contraire:

he's been trying to force me to work since I had our first child, I got a job selling cars and he quickly started complaining about how I wasn't home to cook or take care of the kids because I was working 10-12 hours a day. Every time I've gotten a job I've quit because of his complaining. He wants the money from me working, he just doesn't want me to work the actual hours because I won't be home to cook him dinner or watch the kids. Lol it's not because our kids are young, it's because he's selfish.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 11, 2015

The OP never said anything about having an abusive spouse. She said he was not supportive of nursing school. Let's keep in mind that they have had three children in a matter of four years. There is a lot of added financial stress and transition going on and it adds a lot of stress for a couple, especially if they do not have strong communication skills and solid finances. I know a few amazing moms who are currently frazzled with three children under the age of five. Both of them have struggled with feelings of resentment towards their husbands because they have lives (work) outside the home. This is a common struggle for stay at home moms with young children. That in itself is not easy. Throw night classes into the mix (since she said she has been doing that for her pre-reqs) and you have a recipe for a whole lot of marital stress. You say he doesn't do anything. He works to support the family. The OP never said he forced her to work or forced her to quit. She also did not ever mention that he withholds money from her or physically abuses her. It sounds like they have a lot of communication issues and they need to work on that.

Clearly you have never been in an abusive relationship, for which you are lucky. Abuse comes in many different forms, it's not just hitting. It's emotional, financial & any way you can think of.

She said they went to therapy & it didn't work. If he doesn't want to fix anything or he just doesn't care, they can talk until he is blue in the face & nothing will ever change. But to tell someone who is clearly miserable & being controlled to stay, is plain wrong.

If you re-read the OP, she wrote that he wanted her to work to make money for *him* but then was angry at her because she wasn't at home to cook for. *him*. So then she quit to be a stay at home mom, then he wasn't happy because she wasn't making money for *him*. It's always all about *him*.

No Stars In My Eyes, LPN · May 11, 2015

OP's husband is what used to be referred to as a "crazy-maker". No matter what you do, you are wrong, you are not doing it right. You are 'stupid', or maybe a '*****'.

"Don't you GET it?" is a refrain from a crazy-maker; it is YOUR fault.

Who can keep up with that? Everything changes at the crazy-maker's whim.

Whims are quite elusive things, and possibly that is YOUR fault as well.

My God, woman, it does the children no favors to have to observe that continual whip-lash back-and-forth. And they soak stuff in, when little; it imprints on them and they have no defense against that. I was surrounded by unspoken tension as a wee one; I am going to be 66 soon. I've been to a psychologist off and on for years. I'm on meds for depression and anxiety. But I STILL can be triggered to feel the feelings of the child I was and be again a child with no voice. Thankfully I know now how to deal with feeling what I feel, but not letting it dictate my life. I can acknowledge them and then carry on, speak up, make a change for the better. When I first started speaking up, my voice shook uncontrollably, yet I pushed through it. But the YEARS it took me to get to this place. Don't expose your children to it, growing up with dread for what THEY, not knowing any difference, think of as 'normal'.

Jl0202 · May 11, 2015

Clearly you have never been in an abusive relationship, for which you are lucky. Abuse comes in many different forms, it's not just hitting. It's emotional, financial & any way you can think of.
She said they went to therapy & it didn't work. If he doesn't want to fix anything or he just doesn't care, they can talk until he is blue in the face & nothing will ever change. But to tell someone who is clearly miserable & being controlled to stay, is plain wrong.
If you re-read the OP, she wrote that he wanted her to work to make money for *him* but then was angry at her because she wasn't at home to cook for. *him*. So then she quit to be a stay at home mom, then he wasn't happy because she wasn't making money for *him*. It's always all about *him*.

Actually, I have been in a physically abusive relationship. I am currently in a healthy marriage and I can tell you that those first few years with three young children, financial strain, and transitioning is hard on the strongest marriages. That's why so many divorces happen in those first few years. From all of the OP's posts it sounds like she has a lot of resentment and anger towards her husband and it sounds to me like she is venting, not trying to get out of an abusive marriage.

The OP said, "He knew I wanted to go to school and we agreed I would be a stay at home mom, none of this was sprung on him".

Yet, in her next post she said, "We have sat down and talked, he was fine with me going to school, we have done counseling, like I said none of this was sprung on him. This has been in the works since 2013".

Well, if they have an 8-month-old child then that means that there has been at least one substantial change since 2013. They went from one child to three in four years. That's a lot to adjust to. When you have more children you tend to have to change your plans a bit. None of us know the situation for what it really is. However, I have seen what happens to families that are torn apart from divorce and I think it's irresponsible for anyone to tell her to leave when she very well may just be venting. There are three young children that need to be considered. A counselor would be the best person for the OP to speak to. It might not have worked the first time but BOTH people have to be willing to look at themselves in order for counseling to be effective.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 11, 2015

Actually, I have been in a physically abusive relationship. I am currently in a healthy marriage and I can tell you that those first few years with three young children, financial strain, and transitioning is hard on the strongest marriages. That's why so many divorces happen in those first few years. From all of the OP's posts it sounds like she has a lot of resentment and anger towards her husband and it sounds to me like she is venting, not trying to get out of an abusive marriage.
The OP said, "He knew I wanted to go to school and we agreed I would be a stay at home mom, none of this was sprung on him".
Yet, in her next post she said, "We have sat down and talked, he was fine with me going to school, we have done counseling, like I said none of this was sprung on him. This has been in the works since 2013".

Well, if they have an 8-month-old child then that means that there has been at least one substantial change since 2013. They went from one child to three in four years. That's a lot to adjust to. When you have more children you tend to have to change your plans a bit. None of us know the situation for what it really is. However, I have seen what happens to families that are torn apart from divorce and I think it's irresponsible for anyone to tell her to leave when she very well may just be venting. There are three young children that need to be considered. A counselor would be the best person for the OP to speak to. It might not have worked the first time but BOTH people have to be willing to look at themselves in order for counseling to be effective.

And in previous posts she stated he wanted her to work & she would work but then he would resent her & become upset because she is not doing what *he* wants, not cooking for *him*. So then she quits to be a stay at home mom, but then because she is not making money for *him* he gets angry, again. They went to counseling, but she said it didn't work. If he doesn't want it to work, it never will.

It sounds like he is trying to control her, in all honesty. He wants her to do EVERYTHING. Work, take care of the house, the kids & baby/take care of him so he can do whatever he pleases. But she isn't down for that. I wouldn't be either, he is an adult even though he probably isn't acting like one.

But it could also be I'm not at his disposal to watch the kids so he can't do as he pleases or go wherever whenever anymore.

Done counseling, he's been trying to force me to work since I had our first child, I got a job selling cars and he quickly started complaining about how I wasn't home to cook or take care of the kids because I was working 10-12 hours a day. Every time I've gotten a job I've quit because of his complaining. He wants the money from me working, he just doesn't want me to work the actual hours because I won't be home to cook him dinner or watch the kids. Lol it's not because our kids are young, it's because he's selfish.

Jl0202 · May 11, 2015

Au contraire:

I stand corrected. She did say he "forced" her to get a job. However, it he truly "forced" her then it seems he wouldn't have "allowed" her to quit. I stand by what I previously said. This young family seems to be struggling to find a balance between financial security and a stable, healthy, home atmosphere. I'll also add that in my marriage I am in charge of cooking. My husband doesn't cook, never has and never will. The crock pot is amazing and has been a life-saver and huge stress reliever. If she is truly being abused, then she needs to seek counseling to help her figure out how to get out of the situation she is in. However, I get the feeling that this is more a case of the OP being frustrated with three young children, a stressed out husband, and lots of marital tension; all of which can also be fixed with the help of a good counselor.

Red Kryptonite · May 11, 2015

I never told her to leave, I said she had serious marital issues to think about and that her husband sounds like an abuser.

If anyone actually leaves their marriage solely because of Internet commentary, they're a bigger idiot than can be helped by any group no matter the forum.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 11, 2015

I stand corrected. She did say he "forced" her to get a job. However, it he truly "forced" her then it seems he wouldn't have "allowed" her to quit. I stand by what I previously said. This young family seems to be struggling to find a balance between financial security and a stable, healthy, home atmosphere. I'll also add that in my marriage I am in charge of cooking. My husband doesn't cook, never has and never will. The crock pot is amazing and has been a life-saver and huge stress reliever. If she is truly being abused, then she needs to seek counseling to help her figure out how to get out of the situation she is in. However, I get the feeling that this is more a case of the OP being frustrated with three young children, a stressed out husband, and lots of marital tension; all of which can also be fixed with the help of a good counselor.

I don't think her husband is stressed out, if he was the counselor would've helped. Which it clearly didn't because they've done been to a counselor before. I think he is abusing her. He wants to do what he wants, he doesn't give a flying flapjack about what is best for his family. It's all about him, him, him.