Unsupportive spouse?

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

It is sorta crazy how this thread turned into a thread on abuse. Listen what one women can handle another maybe can't. To each is own. It isn't as simple as just leaving..there are kids involved. She is trying to do this after having all of the kids. Was this discussed when they got married and after the kids? Maybe he would have been more supportive if you wouldn't have had the kids first. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. There are nurses that hate their jobs...their kids are running amok while they are working their 12 hr shifts and they are just plain miserable. I hope you have a great system in place if you decide to leave this man. Think it through thoroughly because if there is no real abuse and you are doing this for the wrong reasons, you and your kids will suffer down the road. Money doesn't fix everything. A stable home for the kids is priceless and if you have enough money to live comfortably then learn to be happy. Just so you know a job can be like a marriage and a marriage like a job. If you want out of this without giving it your all..who is to say you won't feel the same way when you start working as a nurse and the stress starts getting to you?

No but if he is a terrible man & abusing her think of what it can do to the kids.

Red Kryptonite · May 12, 2015

The reason it turned into a thread on abuse was because of his back and forth making her work then punishing her for it, then complaining she wasn't earning money after she quit. That looks like controlling behavior of the type abusers use.

Iknowwha2du · May 12, 2015

There are two sides to every story and I don't see this as abuse. I see it as two people having money problems but knee deep in kids and not having a family support system, hence why he keeps telling her to work and not work. I would never tell someone to stay in an abusive marriage but I don't think she is being totally honest.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

There are two sides to every story and I don't see this as abuse. I see it as two people having money problems but knee deep in kids and not having a family support system, hence why he keeps telling her to work and not work. I would never tell someone to stay in an abusive marriage but I don't think she is being totally honest.

I think she is telling her side of the story. I have been in her shoes & I can completely relate. Have you never been in relationship with a controlling & abusive man? That it what it is like. Counseling doesn't work, because he won't change & doesn't want to. The boys are big babies themselves & want you to take care of them as well as the children, want you to make the money so they can spend it. You can't do anything (but work & take care of the kids) but they have to be able to have free. If you think she isn't being controlled, wow. She has done what she could to try to save her marriage.

Thought, BSN, RN · May 12, 2015

Now that my internet works long enough for me to post a comment (I've been following this thread), I'll add my two cents.

The description given of the OP's husband shows some red flags. At first, he doesn't want her to work. All of a sudden, he does (due to money) and forces her to, only to force her to quit her job because she isn't around to cook him his food. He tries to sabotage each and every time she leaves to go to school, using their kids as an excuse.

If both parents are involved in the child's life, it is both their responsibility to raise their children. Not just one.

I've noticed some comments saying to stay because of the children. I grew up in an abusive household. Abuse isn't just physical. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and financial. A child growing up in an abusive household sees it as the norm. It carries on throughout the child's life and affects their relationships with others. After the child is grown, he or she will have the same type of relationship. The child could be the abuser, or the abused.

The OP also mentioned counseling didn't work. With an abuser, it will not work. Does a zebra change its stripes? Unless a person is willing to change, he or she won't. An abusive relationship is a cycle. At first, things are good. Then, things escalate and turns abusive. The abuser apologizes, and promises to change. Believing the abuser, the abused person stays. The "honeymoon" phase kicks back in and all things are good. Repeat. Until the abused is willing to break the cycle of abuse, it will continue to happen. It affects everyone involved.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

Now that my internet works long enough for me to post a comment (I've been following this thread), I'll add my two cents.
The description given of the OP's husband shows some red flags. At first, he doesn't want her to work. All of a sudden, he does (due to money) and forces her to, only to force her to quit her job because she isn't around to cook him his food. He tries to sabotage each and every time she leaves to go to school, using their kids as an excuse.
If both parents are involved in the child's life, it is both their responsibility to raise their children. Not just one.
I've noticed some comments saying to stay because of the children. I grew up in an abusive household. Abuse isn't just physical. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and financial. A child growing up in an abusive household sees it as the norm. It carries on throughout the child's life and affects their relationships with others. After the child is grown, he or she will have the same type of relationship. The child could be the abuser, or the abused.
The OP also mentioned counseling didn't work. With an abuser, it will not work. Does a zebra change its stripes? Unless a person is willing to change, he or she won't. An abusive relationship is a cycle. At first, things are good. Then, things escalate and turns abusive. The abuser apologizes, and promises to change. Believing the abuser, the abused person stays. The "honeymoon" phase kicks back in and all things are good. Repeat. Until the abused is willing to break the cycle of abuse, it will continue to happen. It affects everyone involved.

I want to like this more than once!!!!

guest449786 · May 12, 2015

I think she is telling her side of the story. I have been in her shoes & I can completely relate. Have you never been in relationship with a controlling & abusive man? That it what it is like. Counseling doesn't work, because he won't change & doesn't want to. The boys are big babies themselves & want you to take care of them as well as the children, want you to make the money so they can spend it. You can't do anything (but work & take care of the kids) but they have to be able to have free. If you think she isn't being controlled, wow. She has done what she could to try to save her marriage.

Some sweeping generalizations on this thread, and yes men who act like that are boys, but not all men are boys. It is revealing to see what some female nurses will say about men when it's anonymous comments on the internet. It's not all that surprising and in the workplace I've seen and experienced a vibe or attitude that female nurses only have with male nurses.

Obviously your opinions are not wrong or right and should never be censored in order to have honest and open dialogue. Your experience or anecdotal evidence is not the best way to view a group of people. It's not fair when people come on AN and make comments that all nurses are fill-in-the-blank either.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

Some sweeping generalizations on this thread, and yes men who act like that are boys, but not all men are boys. It is revealing to see what some female nurses will say about men when it's anonymous comments on the internet. It's not all that surprising and in the workplace I've seen and experienced a vibe or attitude that female nurses only have with male nurses.
Obviously your opinions are not wrong or right and should never be censored in order to have honest and open dialogue. Your experience or anecdotal evidence is not the best way to view a group of people. It's not fair when people come on AN and make comments that all nurses are fill-in-the-blank either.

??? Being a nurse or a woman has nothing to do with anything. It's life experience. No one deserves to be treated like garbage. I would say all of this if it wasn't anonymous. Amazing what the males have to say. Unless you a have been the victim of abuse, you have no idea what it's like.

guest449786 · May 12, 2015

??? Being a nurse or a woman has nothing to do with anything. It's life experience. No one deserves to be treated like garbage. I would say all of this if it wasn't anonymous. Amazing what the males have to say. Unless you a have been the victim of abuse, you have no idea what it's like.

I'm sorry about your experience and no I will never be able to understand what you went through. You and I agree that no one should be treated like garbage as well. I'm not saying you wouldn't say in person what you posted here. However, that should not give you a pass to make generalizations about men and it's not fair.

You have no idea what it is like to be a minority in the nursing field either, and on a forum that is meant as a means for nurses to communicate it is relevant. Obviously, you have every right to your opinion and I have a right to voice mine as well.

Red Kryptonite · May 12, 2015

It is revealing to see what some female nurses will say about men when it's anonymous comments on the internet.

I say the same stuff to my husband, my friends, my co-workers....

As Popeye would say, "I yam what I yam."

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 12, 2015

I'm sorry about your experience and no I will never be able to understand what you went through. You and I agree that no one should be treated like garbage as well. I'm not saying you wouldn't say in person what you posted here. However, that should not give you a pass to make generalizations about men and it's not fair.
You have no idea what it is like to be a minority in the nursing field either, and on a forum that is meant as a means for nurses to communicate it is relevant. Obviously, you have every right to your opinion and I have a right to voice mine as well.

Well when so far, every guy who has posted has been rude & insensitive. I apologized to the one guy who took back his comment. I don't what being the minority in the nursing field has to do with this topic. Yes we are nurses but abuse is about everyone, not just nurses. Especially since she isn't a nurse yet.

guest449786 · May 12, 2015

I say the same stuff to my husband, my friends, my co-workers....
As Popeye would say, "I yam what I yam."

I don't doubt that you do. Women, rightfully, won't accept misogyny in the workplace or on AN and men should not accept misandry as condition of being in the field or on AN either. [h=1][/h]