Unsupportive spouse?

spierre · May 10, 2015

Well I value my marriage and my vows for one so there's that, but you don't leave somebody just because they don't support you in something. He may be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I'm going to be independent of him or it may be something else. Whatever the case is, if I decide to leave, I won't be leaving until I can take care of my children financially without him. Which means I will be finishing nursing school, I've been in school before and without his support so I'll be fine. His support doesn't make or break me. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced an unsupportive spouse, apparently I'm the only one.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 10, 2015

Well I value my marriage and my vows for one so there's that, but you don't leave somebody just because they don't support you in something. He may be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I'm going to be independent of him or it may be something else. Whatever the case is, if I decide to leave, I won't be leaving until I can take care of my children financially without him. Which means I will be finishing nursing school, I've been in school before and without his support so I'll be fine. His support doesn't make or break me. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced an unsupportive spouse, apparently I'm the only one.

No, you aren't the only one. I have dated unsupportive guys. The guy I was with before I met my husband was really unsupportive. He didn't want me to do anything if it didn't help or do anything to make him better. Obviously I left him for my husband. If someone isn't supportive & you have worked on it, I don't know what else you can do.

I know it would be hard to leave when you don't have an income. But you would have to really think about what would be best for you (after nursing school) & your kids. I've had issues with my husband but we both love each other & have worked on our relationship. You shouldn't be with someone who brings you down. I was for 2.5-3 years. It was terrible.

cracklingkraken, ASN, RN · May 10, 2015

Probably no, you are not the first nor last person to experience this. I wasn't suggesting leaving him. Sorry, I just meant that fighting against your significant other about this is additive stress upon already existing stress. I hope you do have a support system in place. It makes nursing school a lot less stressful. Good luck in school! It will be over before you know it.

spierre · May 10, 2015

Thanks for your advice guys.

brandiep1982 · May 10, 2015

Well I value my marriage and my vows for one so there's that, but you don't leave somebody just because they don't support you in something. He may be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I'm going to be independent of him or it may be something else. Whatever the case is, if I decide to leave, I won't be leaving until I can take care of my children financially without him. Which means I will be finishing nursing school, I've been in school before and without his support so I'll be fine. His support doesn't make or break me. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced an unsupportive spouse, apparently I'm the only one.

No, you are not the first person to have an non-supportive spouse, I'm sure. I think you may have this figured out... he may be afraid of your not needing him... and you said yourself that his support does not make or break you. Here is the thing... our culture teaches us to be very independent, that dependence on another human is a "weakness". Yet, marriage is supposed to be two people who depend on one another. Two people united into one. Your lungs need your heart and your heart needs your lungs, even if they do very different jobs their jobs depend on one another for survival. You need support, and he may need confidence that you will need him even after you graduate and that you need him now. Even if this is part of the issue, marriages are like club sandwiches... tons of layers of different stuff.

I'm not there in your marriage. Only you guys can figure this stuff out for yourselves. I could be totally off in left field. Ultimately, I wish you the best in your journey. My mom left her second husband while getting prereqs for nursing school, with three kids (aged 10, 5 and 4). She got through. I don't know how. I'm not sure I could do that.

Purple_roses · May 10, 2015

I talked about nursing for years and my ex always talked me out of it, saying he couldn't see nursing as my true passion and that I should follow a more artistic path. A year after we broke up, I found out he told another person that he was afraid he would never see me if I started nursing school. I was appalled at how selfish that was of him. There are many men and women out there dealing with unsupportive partners. You are not alone.

Jl0202 · May 10, 2015

To be honest, your posts come across as very bitter. It sounds like you have underlying issues that you and your husband need to work out. My personal view on marriage is that it's a partnership that takes continual compromise. Does your husband have a more traditional view on marriage? He may feel like your priority should be him and your children. You did say that you both agreed that you would be a stay at home mom. Your children are still very young and it will be a lot of stress on everyone to have you either gone or preoccupied with assignments/studying. Do you have a lot of family support to help out? Who will watch the kids when they get sick? Nursing school is not going to be anything like prereq's. It's going to be so much more demanding. Your husband might also really feel like his children need their mom right now. I'm about to start nursing school as well and I have three young children. My youngest is about to be in preschool. I personally would not have considered going to nursing school with a 2 year old and an 8 month old. This is obviously a major goal for you, but this is his life too and he may feel like you are making major decisions without considering him or your children. Would you be open to waiting a few years? If you want your marriage then you really need to have an open and honest talk with him about your goals and what you want out of life. You also need to be open to hearing him out too. If both of you are harboring hostility and resentment toward the other then another trip to the counselor may be needed to help you work through the real issues. The most important thing to consider is you have three young children that need their parents and this decision will dictate their future as well. Good luck.

MyPrnPleaseBSN · May 10, 2015

Nursing School and UNsupportive spouse does NOT go together. I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever his reasons are (if he has any), think of yourself and the family in the long run. What's more beneficial? Also, if he is afraid that you will leave him after nursing school, that's a bad sign to start with. He should be happy for you and the fact that you want to make something out for yourself. Trust me, nursing school its self is emotionally draining, the last thing one needs is someone who discourages you.

Ndy-RN · May 10, 2015

My best friend was in some what similar situation like yours but there were no kids involved. Her ex husband felt inferior when she tried going to school to get her nursing degrees and would pick fights wither her,wouldn't help her with the finances she needed for school(she had to borrow from friends) and the worst he would go to his mum who would tell him not to allow her go to school because she wants to be better than he is. Who says that today?! Well she failed her first year and had to repeat it again but during that time she left him. She successfully finished nursing school with honors and now is a successful RN and married to a very supportive and loving man whom she met during school. So you either need to sit down and talk to him or find someone like a marriage couselor for this...he seems to be resenting your success or something. :unsure:

Ndy-RN · May 10, 2015

I think how you began your comment is judgemental. There are always different sides to every story. For this woman to come here to share her feeling we need to understand where she is coming from before pointing fingers. :no: You see what works for one person may not have worked for others and not everyone have families to help out. Before you start judging please think and be considerate. ~ coming from a woman who understands the plight of others by trying to walk in their shoes to understand them where they are really coming from:yes:.

Trauma Columnist · May 10, 2015

My husband is and has always been very supportive of my education (which started at age 32 and dang, I'm still in school at 56)! However, he was in the military and was deployed a lot. Here's what helped me:

1. Save up some extra (as much as you can) money before you start school.

2. Make back-up (two of them) child care plans, either with a daycare center or individual.

3. Stock up the freezer and fridge - I would buy a one month supply of everything.

4. Use online resources for shopping as much as possible.

5. For school - I realized a 4.0 wasn't going to possible - a B or even C is okay.

6. Do not join study groups - for me they were time-consuming and got nothing accomplished (just my opinion, some folks like them).

7. Study as much as you can at odd times: in the car, while waiting for school to start (I always arrived 30 minutes early).

8. Pay attention in class. I'm not a real smart person (as evidenced by my educational choices) but I didn't spend a lot of time studying except stuff I had to memorize.

9. Realize that housework might not get done like you would like.

10. And on Mother's Day I hate to admit this but when my kids were little, I would put them to bed with their shirts, underwear and socks on that they were wearing the next day. Then, in the morning, all I had to do was slide them into shorts/jeans, brush teeth, and out the door we would go.

I wish you the best - I worked full time nights as a unit clerk, went to school during the day and slept when the kids slept. Hubby wasn't deployed the whole time I was in school but I will admit it was rough. However, it was definitely worth the sacrifice.

OrganizedChaos, LVN · May 10, 2015

My husband is and has always been very supportive of my education (which started at age 32 and dang, I'm still in school at 56)! However, he was in the military and was deployed a lot. Here's what helped me:
1. Save up some extra (as much as you can) money before you start school.
2. Make back-up (two of them) child care plans, either with a daycare center or individual.
3. Stock up the freezer and fridge - I would buy a one month supply of everything.
4. Use online resources for shopping as much as possible.
5. For school - I realized a 4.0 wasn't going to possible - a B or even C is okay.
6. Do not join study groups - for me they were time-consuming and got nothing accomplished (just my opinion, some folks like them).
7. Study as much as you can at odd times: in the car, while waiting for school to start (I always arrived 30 minutes early).
8. Pay attention in class. I'm not a real smart person (as evidenced by my educational choices) but I didn't spend a lot of time studying except stuff I had to memorize.
9. Realize that housework might not get done like you would like.
10. And on Mother's Day I hate to admit this but when my kids were little, I would put them to bed with their shirts, underwear and socks on that they were wearing the next day. Then, in the morning, all I had to do was slide them into shorts/jeans, brush teeth, and out the door we would go.
I wish you the best - I worked full time nights as a unit clerk, went to school during the day and slept when the kids slept. Hubby wasn't deployed the whole time I was in school but I will admit it was rough. However, it was definitely worth the sacrifice.

Woah! Thanks for this!!!