Labor, birth and spectators

allnurses Guide · Nov 13, 2004

You know, you mil could come in for awhile during the early stages of your labor if that would be a compromise. Also I like the idea about her being able to come in as soon you feel ready.

Our moms are NOT ogres. .they are excited about having a grandchild. It is very hard though to draw a line in the sand with some.

Making the nurse the bad guy is a role I've played and I'm happy to do it.

steph

hospitalstaph · Nov 13, 2004

We have had different numbers of people at each delivery. The first 4, the second 11, and the last one 5. I personally love having lots of people at my delivery that are supportive of me. However, my MIL and grandmother-in-law have not been at any of them:) If fact we did not even call them until the child was almost there for the last two. During the delivery of my first my husbands grandmother watched the delivery through a small window that looked into the room without my permission. We had been expecting a girl and when it was a boy I could hear her in the hall yelling "it's a boy" even before I saw him myself!

When you are in labor you need those around you that are YOUR support people not your husbands. And this ceratinly is not an oportunity for your husband to reward his mother for her fine care as he was growing up, as I suspect is his motivation. When it really comes down to it his number one focus should be on what is going to make you, the laboring women, happy and relaxed.

As far as pictures, I allowed video and still pictures with the stipulation that I could destroy any that I felt were too graphic. All shots were taken from up by my head and except for one brief shot everything was fine.

Good luck!!!

Tracy

CoffeeRTC, BSN, RN · Nov 13, 2004

You know, you mil could come in for awhile during the early stages of your labor if that would be a compromise. Also I like the idea about her being able to come in as soon you feel ready.
and
from Fergus51:
Tell him you'll let his mom be present as soon as he lays down naked and spread eagle in front of your mom for a few hours. I hate this notion that it's a couple who give birth. It isn't.
This is the best bit of advice. It still is YOUR body. I had my MIL in at the delivery..she stood up at the head of the bead and just peaked a few times. :uhoh21: I asked her and at first she wasn't sure, but I figured this is the third and prob final baby we were having and I wanted to include her.

prmenrs, RN · Nov 13, 2004

Are MIL and GF acquainted? If they were friends, it would be easier to have them trade off periodically. You do get to pick--just try not to get to stressed over it. You've got some time, don't make the decision right now. Bring each to various appts so they're included. The GF will probably be the most flexible, whatever you decide.

You can always call me, I'll punch someone's lights out if you want. just kidding, really. :)

Burnt Out, ASN, RN · Nov 13, 2004

I agree with the other posters-this is your body. I would definately tell your doctor or midwife that you don't want your MIL in there and also tell your nurses.

When I was pg with my son, my mom kept telling me she wanted to be in the delivery room-don't get me wrong, I love my mom and wanted her there, but not while all my nether regions were exposed (yes, I know, she has seen it all before when she changed my diapers-that was her argument :rolleyes: :chuckle ). I finally let my mom and MIL and all know that if they weren't there for the conception, they weren't going to be there when he was born. That pretty much made them shut up

We ended up having a c-section anyway, so only DH was allowed back there. And we will be having another c-section this time as well.

monnelise · Nov 13, 2004

When i was prego I absolutely did not want ANYONE in the room but my husband. Mind you, I have no problem saying my peace and if anyone was offended too bad because it was my body. My mom ended up staying longer than I had planned but by the time I realized it I didnt care anymore - I just wanted baby out! Then later my MIL comes by at the request of my hubby and for whatever reason I didnt care. In fact, at the end of it all I was glad they were there. My poor husband would have died if he didnt have some relief from the moms.

Pictures, on the other hand... Heck NO! Perhaps the compromise could be Yes to MIL, Yes to best friend, but NO to pics. Let them be offended. They should be glad just to be there.

smk1, LPN · Nov 13, 2004

you are the one who has to push the baby out and go through all that is associated with that process. You get to decide who you want in the room PERIOD! now for the sake of the peace maybe have MIL come in for a little bit before anything is really happening and after the birth. You also get to decide what sort of pictures of YOUR BODY will be taken. Hubby just will have to deal with the decision because he isn't the one giving birth.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 14, 2004

In the end it's up to you. Everyone before me covered it well. I won't repeat it all. May I suggest you hire a doula for labor? this person is an excellent resource and source of support for you and the family---and can help you communicate your needs and wishes to the nursing staff, and yes, family members too. You could let them be part of things early-on before labor gets heavy------and then tell them at the early point, you will only want your support person and husband there with you when the baby comes. It's certainly your right to assert yourself and your wishes. It's your birth experience, after all.

KRVRN, BSN, RN · Nov 15, 2004

Thanks all for your replies. I've always been a firm believer that the mom should get to decide because it's her body that's exposed. My hubby seems to think that since it's his baby too that we are somehow equal partners in this and should both decide. With my pregnancy hormones flowing, this statement makes me rip him a new one! I agree with what a few have said about it being something the mom is going through.

I just don't think it should be a spectator sport. I actually saw my husband's mom at her other daughter in law's birth and all she did was flutter around the room excitedly taking pictures while the father and I held the mom's legs and coached her. Now I realize it was different because the DIL did want her there and didn't mind pictures being taken, but I'm not nearly as close to my MIL as she is. In fact, I honestly don't even like her very much. Why do I want someone that I don't even much like at my delivery doing nothing but watching? Aside from all of this, my husband is constantly trying to force a better relationship between her and I and he thinks that what better way than to have her in for the delivery?

I think the solution will have to be keep everyone but my husband out of the room. Hell, we all know where babies come from, perhaps everyone else will just have to see the baby after it's already out.

Cali, RN · Nov 16, 2004

You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?
My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!
I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.
What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?
(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)

I don't know if this helps since you have very good advice from so many, but giving birth is in the same family as making love and your feelings and wishes need to be considered. You are the one giving birth and if you feel inhibited in any way, you may not let yourself relax enough to allow a quicker and easier labor and birth experience. You and your husband should maybe discuss using a doula which ia a professional labour support person, but who is also neutral to both sides of the family. As far as pictures, many photographs can be beautiful and discreet. Good luck

veteranRN · Nov 16, 2004

This seems like a bigger issue than just who should be in the delivery room. I bet if boiled down it is about control. You've probably spent your entire marriage argueing about the MIL. I would recommend an outside party (counselor) since this is just a symptom of a larger problem. Get the underlying problem resolved and it won't be a problem for the birth or the rest of the marriage. (speaking from experience). And since you're only 5 months pregnant you've got time to work on this issue. Good luck.

hypnotic_nurse · Nov 16, 2004

My MIL didn't even know I was at the hospital until my babies were delivered. No way would I have let her in the room with me, and I liked her, even though she made me crazy.

You do what YOU want. You are the one doing all the work, and you are the one who is intimately exposed. Your husband can have his share of changing the diapers and getting up in the middle of the night.