Labor, birth and spectators

tntrn, ASN, RN · Nov 13, 2004

It is YOUR decision who is can be there and who cannot. It is YOUR body. Maybe he'd "get" it you suggested that that your mom wants to watch when he gets a vasectomy or something equally private.

I don't like having to work with huge crowds in labor rooms. Seldom are they all being supportive. Most times they are partying.

Stick to you guns, girl.

allnurses Guide · Nov 13, 2004

If I were you I'd limit it to just my husband because you will never win if you let one person in and not another.

The truth for me is that when transition hits and you have to concentrate, the last thing you need is alot of spectators, loved or not.

This is your birth experience and I completely agree with you about photos.

steph

ERNurse752, RN · Nov 13, 2004

I think you should have the ultimate say as to who is in the room with you. Yes, your husband as the father is important, but you're the one who's lying in the bed enduring labor and delivering the baby. The physical part and your needs are all about YOU and what you need to be able to do it.

As for the pictures...one of my coworkers just suggested a few pictures from "a non-crotch shot angle."

Like from up by your head looking down at the baby coming out. That way you see maybe just your abd/legs/baby, but nothing too private. Pictures are great, but not if they make you uncomfortable.

Hope you find a way to compromise so that both of you are happy!

PS - Is this your first baby? He may not know what he's getting into as to what things are really going to look like!

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Nov 13, 2004

This is your experience, and if you are uncomfortable he should be all about making it easier for you. A compromise of no MIL and no best friend might be reached although I still think that your friend would be a wonderful support.

As for the pictures- so long as they are not digital you can "lose" them once they get home.

NurseRachy · Nov 13, 2004

You stick to your guns girl! This is YOUR experience. It is YOUR body and YOUR best friend WILL be there if you want. I'm sorry but this is NOT your husband's choice whether his mother will be there. She can wait patiently outside the door and be one of the first invited people to see your beautiful daughter. If it was my husband I'd be telling him if he broached this subject even ONCE more he'd be joining her OUTSIDE until the midwife invited him in at your request. Oh and absolutely NO photo's either. They are far too personal. JMHO.

Good luck in your pregnancy and delivery!

Rachel

imenid37 · Nov 13, 2004

I might say something like this in your shoes. I was in a very similar situation when I had my first 16 years ago. Well____(husband's name) I really think it would be good for both of us if____(friend's name) were there because it will take some of the pressure of you to be supportive of me since this may be stressful for you too. You've never seen me in this kind of pain before and it may be difficult for you. I really want your mom to be a big part of everything, but I just feel too modest to have her in the room at the time of delivery or to have explicit pictures taken of me during birth. She can come in as soon as the delivery is over with and take some of the very first shots of the baby. We can even have the staff take a picture of all of us and her w/ the baby shortly after delivery. Please try to see my point of view. Most of all, I want our first moments as a family to be special and memorable, not a contentious scene.

BETSRN · Nov 13, 2004

If I were your nurse, I would speak with both of you about this at the time of your admission. It is YOUR birth (not your husband's). When I take care of a couple, I go on Mom's wishes: not Dad's. It's not that the father is unimportant. It's just that it is your body and your mind. The mind is a powerful thing and it can inhibit labor progress as well as enhance it. I would start discussing this with your husband NOW. Nurses are very tuned in to controlling dads and we have a pretty good way of putting them in their place, so to speak. If you have to compromise, go for having just your husband and NOT your friend or MIL. Also, as far as crotch shots, that's also your right not to allow those. If your husband does not comply with your wishes, we nurses and the doctor can tell him he has to turn off the cameras altogether. That is our perogative. Make sure he is aware of that. Let him know that we are there for YOU and not him. If you really need someone else with you, you might want to consider investing in hiring a doula who will support you both and keep the politics of your mother and best friend out of the look altogether. Hold fast on this. Better you work this out with your husband beforehand. If he is truly thinking about your health and well-being (which is the point here), he will go along with you. Also, write a birth plan with what YOU want and speak privately with your labor nurse (after you arrive) without your husband present. She can ask him to leave the room at any time and you can let her know of your concerns. Jump on this quick so you have plenty of time to work through all of your concerns. You might also talk with your OB at one of your regular visits so he/she knows before and can help you should you have continued trouble with your husband and these choices. Bottom line, is your doctor can dictate that everyone leaves the room at the time of birth (if need be). That knowledge should encourage your husband to back off.

rnmi2004 · Nov 13, 2004

I agree with the posters who say stick to your guns. This is your body being exposed. If you want your best friend & not your mother-in-law, then that's what should happen. The poster who suggested having your MIL in the waiting room had a great idea. That way, she can feel a part of the process, but you won't have to stress about having her in the room.

Congratulations on your upcoming big event! I hope all goes okay.

ayndim · Nov 13, 2004

I think it comes as a shock to Dad's but their wishes are irrelevant when mom wants something else. Talk to your MW/Dr. My hubby wanted our boys circed (they weren't) and I threatened to not let HIM in the delivery room. He said he had a right to be there. He didn't believe I could have him kicked out. At an appt he asked the MW if moms could kick the dads out. She said mom could make anyone she wants leave, including dad. So as the others have said, let the nurses and your mw/dr know. Have it in your birthplan and in your file. The nurses are good at keeping people out mom doesn't want, imho. You are the one going through labor. Tell him when he pushes a baby out of his member, then his mom (and yours) can be there. Until then you get to decide.

I thought about having others there but my hubby wanted us to be alone. It wasn't a big deal so it was just us. You know what. It was such an intimate moment that I am glad just the two of us, plus baby, shared it. A real bonding moment.

tntrn, ASN, RN · Nov 13, 2004

Oh, boy! I can see that when I posted last night, I was tired! I really can spell better than that post might indicate.

All of the posts here are right on. When I have a couple with an issue of who will be there and who won't, I tell them with a grin "if they weren't invited to the conception, then maybe they aren't invited to the birth." That always gets a warm understanding from both parents.

fergus51 · Nov 13, 2004

Tell him you'll let his mom be present as soon as he lays down naked and spread eagle in front of your mom for a few hours. I hate this notion that it's a couple who give birth. It isn't.

Seriously, support people are a very important part of the birth. Having someone there who makes you feel inhibited is a terrible idea. Explain that to your husband and make it very clear, HE isn't going through labor, YOU are. You need to have the people there that make you feel most comfortable. His mom can wait outside and come in to see the baby once it's born. She doesn't have to be in the room for the whole process to be included and your husband should be a little more supportive of you.