Labor, birth and spectators

[KRVRN]

You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?

My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!

I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.

What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?

(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)

[Gompers, BSN, RN]

Who wants to see those nasty pictures anyway? There is nothing cute about it. The only cute thing is the baby and I doubt the baby will appreciate seeing those type photos in the future.

Couldn't agree more! A coworker once gave me a photo album to look at after her first grandchild was born - and wouldn't you know the first picture in the album is her daughter, spread eagle, with the baby crowning!!! A little warning would have been nice! Plus if it was me in those pictures, they would be kept private, not put in an album for the whole world to see.

[imenid37]

*sigh*

As the OP, let me ring in again...

When if comes down to it, we just don't see it the same. His mom was there for the delivery for her other 2 grandsons, but she is much closer to that DIL than she is to me. It was such a special experience for both of them and they both got the warm fuzzies from it. I, on the other hand am not close to her and feel she can wait out in the waiting room with everyone else and see the baby shortly after she's born, once I'm all covered up.

My husband is a total mama's boy (I bet none of you suspected that huh?!) and so I think he is somewhat worried (even if he doesn't realize it) about pleasing her. Not "pleasing" her as in winning her approval, but pleasing her as in making her happy. He was always more of a caretaker of her feelings than his own father was. So I doubt my husband really sees how much he's tending to her. Likewise, his mom is (probably unknowingly) accustomed to my husband tending to her feelings, so off and on during our entire relationship we've had problems with her (another shocker, huh?).

So for me to not want his mom there, who is FAMILY, but to want my best friend there, AN OUTSIDER, really bugs him. He wants his mom to feel important and loved by me. He sometimes tries to force a better relationship because he wants me to like and love her and have things perfect (because that's what she wants) and I just don't want that with her (for various reasons). So what better reason to make her feel like I like her and things are perfect than to invite her to see me give birth? NOT.

He also thinks having my best friend and possibly my mom there but not HIS mom will somehow make him less important because he won't be able to support me much because they will crowd him out. But if his mom is there she may equalize things and help him to help me. To which my response is, what's important here? ME actually getting supported or YOU feeling like you were the one who did it? Oh well, that's another fight!

This is so much more convuluted and complex than it needs to be don't you all think?!?!?!?!

As the wife of almost 20 years to a very similar sort of man, let me tell you it does not get any better. my advice, this may sound off the wall-this is 20 years of experience talking, speak to his mom directly. He should talk to her about it, but you and I both know he won't. This is a very important even in YOUR life. If you are forced to be uncomfortable or inhibited, you'll resent himfor it. You are married to this man. YOU and NOT MOMMY are the woman he should be pleasing and supporting emotionally. I would simply be honest w/ her. I want you to be BIG part of this baby's life, I just don't feel that I comfortable w/ anyone but (husband's name) and (friend's name) during my birth. I'd be honoured if you would come as soon as possible after the birth and take some pictures and have your picture taken w/ the baby, (husband), and me. I am counting on you to be there for (husband) when he needs to come out into the waiting room for a break. This is nothing against you, it is just what I need to feel as comfortable as possible. If she doesn't like it...TOUGH. Don't fall into a trap of putting yourslef behind hubby's need to please his mommy. I wish I had put my foot down MANY MANY years ago. My MIL didn't push herself in at my births, but took over my oldest child's (16.5 years old) baptism when I was sick w/ chicken pox. The family (hubby's family) had gotten a priest friend from out of town to come for the occasion. "MOM" talked me into going ahead w/ the baptism, since he couldn't come to town again for a number of months. I couldn't go to the church because of making someone else sick w/ the pox. I'd come to the party afterward at "MOM's". Everyone except my husband's older sister had had the pox before. She was just going to stay for a few minutes and then I was going to come to the party. Guess what happened? My jelly-spined hubby couldn't stand up to mommy and his sister was enjoying herself at the party. She never left the party, so he never came to get me. I was so angry that my MIL and SIL were rude enough to take that moment of my daughter's life away from me and it still (yes I am a woman and don't get over things easily) makes me really pi$$ed that they did this and that my hubby was such a wimpo about it all. He still can't stand up to his mommy or sister. It won't get any beter. This is a big moment in your life. You need to be at your best. MIL needs to stay out and hubby needs to stand beh9ind you!!!

[Dayray, RN]

OK so maybe I have a bigger bias here but I get really ticked when husbands try to call the shots in the delivery room. Yes it is there baby too but their role should be support you in your decistions not to enforce rules on you. Yes it his baby too and you should hear his opinions but you have the end word defiantly not him.

You need to have your friend there if you want her there, being comfortable and supported is so important and if she will bring these things for you then have her there.

You MIH, hmm well if she is to be there it needs to be your decision and not a concession to your husband. What I mean is that if you decide you can tolerate her there then have her but don't do it because he says so.

As for the pictures, taking pictures of the baby is fine, maybe a few shots of you before and after.. yeah those will be nice memories. As for crotch shots or baby crowning... if you don't want these then abso-freckin-lootly not. Some (few) mothers like and want these shots but most would be horrified to have pictures like this exist. If you are having trouble keeping him from taking them imagine how hard it is going to be controlling who gets to see the pictures or where they are kept.. no ..no..no!

That being said let me explain my bias. As some of you may or may not know I'm a male L&D nurse. I'm also the father of 4 children and this is where my bias comes in.

When my wife and I had our first child, I wanted to be the only one in the room. I wanted to keep the experience between her and I. She wanted her mother there but I wanted to be the support person. So I got her to agree that her mother wouldn't be in the room. When she was in labor and without medication (long story but she did it without anything and not of our choice). She was crying for her mom, I held out for a while and made the nurse keep her out. Finally at some point I came to my senses and let her mom in and things were so much better for her. Not because her mom was some great support person but because it was what she wanted. Yes it was my baby too but labor is the mom's show and dad is just a stage hand he can be a good one or a bad one and make things go good or bad but its mom that has to do all the work so she needs to be in charge.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

OK so maybe I have a bigger bias here but I get really ticked when husbands try to call the shots in the delivery room. Yes it is there baby too but their role should be support you in your decistions not to enforce rules on you. Yes it his baby too and you should hear his opinions but you have the end word defiantly not him.

You need to have your friend there if you want her there, being comfortable and supported is so important and if she will bring these things for you then have her there.

You MIH, hmm well if she is to be there it needs to be your decision and not a concession to your husband. What I mean is that if you decide you can tolerate her there then have her but don't do it because he says so.

As for the pictures, taking pictures of the baby is fine, maybe a few shots of you before and after.. yeah those will be nice memories. As for crotch shots or baby crowning... if you don't want these then abso-freckin-lootly not. Some (few) mothers like and want these shots but most would be horrified to have pictures like this exist. If you are having trouble keeping him from taking them imagine how hard it is going to be controlling who gets to see the pictures or where they are kept.. no ..no..no!

That being said let me explain my bias. As some of you may or may not know I'm a male L&D nurse. I'm also the father of 4 children and this is where my bias comes in.

When my wife and I had our first child, I wanted to be the only one in the room. I wanted to keep the experience between her and I. She wanted her mother there but I wanted to be the support person. So I got her to agree that her mother wouldn't be in the room. When she was in labor and without medication (long story but she did it without anything and not of our choice). She was crying for her mom, I held out for a while and made the nurse keep her out. Finally at some point I came to my senses and let her mom in and things were so much better for her. Not because her mom was some great support person but because it was what she wanted. Yes it was my baby too but labor is the mom's show and dad is just a stage hand he can be a good one or a bad one and make things go good or bad but its mom that has to do all the work so she needs to be in charge.

You are a nice guy :balloons:

steph