You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?
My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!
I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.
What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?
(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)
Well, if any birth centers had some rules on how many observers were allowed OR if they enforced the ones they do have, it would be "out of your hands" so to speak. Any chance you can talk to the staff where you will deliver and see if they can enforce it for you. At our place, we have a protocol of 3 people, including FOB. This, sadly, is not enforced and sometimes it's a spectator sport. I personally don't like it as a nurse. And don't get me started about what happens in an emergency.
We also have fire regs which prohibit people waiting in the halls outside the rooms, but most nurses don't insist those folks go to the waiting rooms either. So we have people standing around, sometimes actually laying in the hallways outside patient rooms. It gets pretty ridiculous sometimes.
When if comes down to it, we just don't see it the same. His mom was there for the delivery for her other 2 grandsons, but she is much closer to that DIL than she is to me. It was such a special experience for both of them and they both got the warm fuzzies from it. I, on the other hand am not close to her and feel she can wait out in the waiting room with everyone else and see the baby shortly after she's born, once I'm all covered up.
My husband is a total mama's boy (I bet none of you suspected that huh?!) and so I think he is somewhat worried (even if he doesn't realize it) about pleasing her. Not "pleasing" her as in winning her approval, but pleasing her as in making her happy. He was always more of a caretaker of her feelings than his own father was. So I doubt my husband really sees how much he's tending to her. Likewise, his mom is (probably unknowingly) accustomed to my husband tending to her feelings, so off and on during our entire relationship we've had problems with her (another shocker, huh?).
So for me to not want his mom there, who is FAMILY, but to want my best friend there, AN OUTSIDER, really bugs him. He wants his mom to feel important and loved by me. He sometimes tries to force a better relationship because he wants me to like and love her and have things perfect (because that's what she wants) and I just don't want that with her (for various reasons). So what better reason to make her feel like I like her and things are perfect than to invite her to see me give birth? NOT.
He also thinks having my best friend and possibly my mom there but not HIS mom will somehow make him less important because he won't be able to support me much because they will crowd him out. But if his mom is there she may equalize things and help him to help me. To which my response is, what's important here? ME actually getting supported or YOU feeling like you were the one who did it? Oh well, that's another fight!
This is so much more convuluted and complex than it needs to be don't you all think?!?!?!?!
I had this very same issue 4 yrs ago with my mil. I just said no and was NOT apologetic and told hubby its my body, my pain, my decision. He supported me in that and no further quuestions were asked. Tell hubby that YOU are the one giving birth here and you need people in the room that you are comfortable with and that you find supportive period! It isn't about him or his mother it is about what is best for you and baby for the least amount of stress and discomfort (physical and mental)during the birth. If he were pushing the 10 pounds out then he can decide, until then it is YOUR DECISION!
This has been an excellent discussion. I am sure you will be able to work things out as you wish them to be. What actually concerns me more is how your husband will parent AFTER the baby is born (in the years to come). If he is a true "Mama's boy", I'd go get some help for yourself for when you'll need it. You'll not only be parenting a baby, but you'll have to deal with your "baby husband" as well. Those guys who think it is all about them never change. Just support yourself; it is all you can do.
Specializes in correctional-CCHCP/detox nurse, DOULA-Birth Assist.
Don't give in and stick to what you want, it is your body and this is all about you and your daughter, but you can make a compromise with him.
Tell your hubby that when he has the next baby he can invite his mom, make your friend wait outside and then you can take color stills, video and digital cam shots of the entire birth from rupture of waters to placenta delivery. P.S. All of his friends will get copies, true to life size.
i'm so sorry that this has become such an issue... i think just having you and your hubby present would be the best solution, because that way no one can say "well, you let so and so in, why not me?"... no one can say that someone else got treated better... it's a shame, though, that you can't be supported in the manner you would like in order to spare peoples feelings...
this whole topic has just reinforced for me the reason why my hubby and i have already discussed how i want my labour to be, even though we're no where close to having kids... i've already told both sets of parents that they won't be in the delivery room because i'm uncomfortable with the idea of them starting at my nether regions... and i didn't want his mother to pull the "well, her mother's allowed in, why aren't i?" crap...
good luck to you and i hope that this doesn't affect your birth at all...
This is a birth, not a wedding!! It's not about who feels bad because they didn't get invited and so-and-so did. And it's not just about modesty; if your experience is anything like mine and my women friends, by the time you're in transition, the last thing on your mind will be what you look like and who's seeing what. (When my first was finally delivered there were it seemed like a dozen white coated people in the room, and I could've cared less.) It's about you, your birth, what makes you feel safe and nurtured and comfortable, which will, incidentally, facilitate a healthy delivery.
I think your husband is being a total jerk and you already have some major issues in your marriage. (I think you could do without him and the MIL both in the delivery room - just stick to people who will be there for you - your friend, your mother.) You say if you stick up for yourself it will create problems - well, gal, you already have problems, bringing them out won't make them worse. There's a chance it'll make them better, but if it doesn't and this scenario is emblematic of your marriage, I'd say the healthiest way is out.
On a lighter note ; during the birth of my third child I grabbed the hubby by the shirt and said " I don't care if the ****in president comes in here get this thing outta me !" Needless to say I has missplaced my modesty !
I would be very clear that no matter what the arrangement you two agree on, that if he tries to bring someone else in at the last minute, or starts whining while you are trying to have this baby, that his butt will be out and you have your best friend on call, just in case.
I think this has been a really interesting thread.
As an interpersonal communications major, (before nursing and public health) I learned that there are basically two types of marriages: one based on an equal partnership (i.e. share responsibilities and decisions equally, both parents may work) and one based on traditional values (i.e. the man calls the shots and is the breadwinner, woman stays at home and raises the children). It seems that this marriage is based on traditional values.
At 24, I could never have a marriage based on traditional values as I am likely to earn more money and have an equally intense career as my current boyfriend. I don't have much tolerance for men who are in traditional marriages. But, just becuase I don't think this is right doesn't mean that I should look down on others who believe this kind of marriage is the correct kind of marriage.
I suppose if women get into marriages understanding their role in a traditional sense, there is really no room to complain when hubby calls the shots.
It seems like many of you that have responded to this thread are not okay with the traditional roles in marriages, I think this is a great move in the right direction fro women. Just a thought.
A man who "calls the shots" in a labor/birth is NOT a traditional husband. He is just a JERK. I have worked with many couples during my many years in L&D and these men only want it to be all about them. They have no real concern for their partners at all. When they finally wake up and realize it is NOT all about them, they usually pout.
A TRUE "traditional" husband would NEVER treat his partner in that way. He would ahve respect for her. :angryfire
tntrn, ASN, RN
1,340 Posts
Well, if any birth centers had some rules on how many observers were allowed OR if they enforced the ones they do have, it would be "out of your hands" so to speak. Any chance you can talk to the staff where you will deliver and see if they can enforce it for you. At our place, we have a protocol of 3 people, including FOB. This, sadly, is not enforced and sometimes it's a spectator sport. I personally don't like it as a nurse. And don't get me started about what happens in an emergency.
We also have fire regs which prohibit people waiting in the halls outside the rooms, but most nurses don't insist those folks go to the waiting rooms either. So we have people standing around, sometimes actually laying in the hallways outside patient rooms. It gets pretty ridiculous sometimes.