You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?
My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!
I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.
What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?
(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)
It should be your decision, you're the one giving birth not your husband. I can't imagine having my mother-in-law in there looking at me in all of my glory. I wanted my mom to be in there with me when I had my children and my husband didn't want her there, so I caved and told her that they would only allow one person. I have always regretted that. You will have the same regrets if you let your husband push you into a corner and decided for you who will best support you during the most important event of your life. It's not about him this time.
Specializes in ICU, PICC Nurse, Nursing Supervisor.
It is your body and believe me you will need all the support you can get. This is not a side show and no tickets are being sold.. Stand your ground.. The hospital staff will side with you... BTW My Ex husband became a horses rear in delievery so I called the hospital police and had him removed..HAHA:rotfl: :rotfl:
Oh, this is so aggravating. How to explain to a man what labor and delivery is like? Even if they've seen a thousand of them, there is just no way to make them understand. This is a woman in her MOST VULNERABLE POSITION EVER (physically and emotionally), and she often just does not have the strength or presence of mind in that state to fight for herself. Her "support person" whoever that is - FOB, friend, mom, whatever, should be there to LOVE her, CARE for her and be her PROTECTOR (as in watching out that her wishes are known) while she is going through this. I have been an L&D nurse for many years and it just irks the hell out of me when pushy family members and friends try to run all over everybody. I've actually told people "GUESS WHAT? IT AIN'T ABOUT *YOU* TODAY!" I am just fine with keeping people out that the pt wants out, but some nurses aren't so good at it.
I'm glad you are sticking up for yourself. Too many women don't.
It's getting hard because my hubby really doesn't buy that it's completely not about him. He's the father, why don't his feelings count? I don't really think I'm going to change his mind.
Unfortuneately i think it will cause more problems that it is worth to have my mom and best friend in there. If I allow them, then he will will want his mom in there and if I say no to her, it's likely to cause a family feud... blah blah blah. No way do I want or need to have 4 support people in there. It's very possibly going to just be me and him!
Everyone knows where the baby is going to come from, perhaps everyone but my husband can just come in after she's born.
Specializes in ICU, PICC Nurse, Nursing Supervisor.
I just want to add on more thing here. I had my mom in with my first baby. She has told me many times , that was the most special time in her life . It was my husband and my mother,until I kicked him out. You need someone you trust and love to help coach you. Who better than you own mother. I considered it a honor to have my mother in the room and would have not changed a thing. The only thing that made me feel uncomfortable was when I was pushing, my mother got down there and said " LAWD, Denise that baby has brown hair and lots of it". AAAYYYYEEEE :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
It's getting hard because my hubby really doesn't buy that it's completely not about him. He's the father, why don't his feelings count? I don't really think I'm going to change his mind.
Unfortuneately i think it will cause more problems that it is worth to have my mom and best friend in there. If I allow them, then he will will want his mom in there and if I say no to her, it's likely to cause a family feud... blah blah blah. No way do I want or need to have 4 support people in there. It's very possibly going to just be me and him!
Everyone knows where the baby is going to come from, perhaps everyone but my husband can just come in after she's born.
"... BTW My Ex husband became a horses rear in delievery so I called the hospital police and had him removed..HAHA"
OMG! Were you married to MY ex-husband? He was such a horse's b*tt during my first labor that I threatened him with forciful removal for the second. He was history not long after that. Which of us had him first?
My SIL who is an RN wanted me to be her coach, Bro thought it was a great idea, took a lot of stress off of him, he was worried about Tammy and the babies, and was her main emotional support. They lost a baby at 27 weeks almost 3 years ago, and this time they had a bonus baby - twins!!!
The delivery went great, the first baby was vertex, the second baby was delivered breech. Both were over 6 pounds, and did great, although needed to be observed closely.
During labor, i watched the monitors, made sure it was picking up both heartbeats, and alerted nurse to a B/P that wasn't within normal limits.
I felt honored and blessed to hae been there, and assist in the labor of my 2 brand new beautiful nephews.
This has been a great week for me. The births were on Monday, I was hired for the LPN position that i wanted on Wednesday, and i graduate from LPN school on Thursday.
What a wonderful discussion this has been. I think that the original poster's question has been well answered. I loved all the support for the idea that this is really the laboring woman's day. When other women in the room start talking about their own birth experiences I always politely cut them short by saying, "well this is _______'s (name) day though isn't it?" and they get my point and the conversation ceases.
Regarding visitors something that works pretty well where I am now is to tell the family and friends the number of the postpartum room so they can go there to wait. Then, one at a time people can come to visit briefly to see how Mom is doing and let her know that everyone is rooting for her, or to spell Dad for a bit. The only problem is when they all get so excited that they start edging down to hang out outside the birthing room. That bothers me because if the Mom didn't want them in the room for the delivery she sure doesn't want them with their ears to the door, and I will tell them that to shoo them away.
As soon as Mom is cleaned up and feeling ready for visitors the whole crew can come in if they want. The thing that always surprises me though (and that all these visitors didn't think of) is that by the time the baby is born they are all so tired and ready to go home that they then say hi, take a peek at baby and hit the road promptly! So, the point of hanging around for 12 hours was what?! Couldn't they have waited at home and come in to see the baby if that was all they wanted to do?
I truly believe in family-centered care but I rarely see the multitude of visitors being a benefit to the Mom in any way. They usually pay next to no attention to her, just line up along the wall like a bunch of spectators at a sporting event, talking to each other and disrupting any relaxing atmosphere I might be trying to create for the Mom. I really long for the days when we were limited to two support people. The Mom then gave some real thought to who those should be and they usually turned out to be the most helpful ones.
Good luck in April, I hope that your baby's birth turns out to be all that you hoped it would be and more! :)
Specializes in ICU, PICC Nurse, Nursing Supervisor.
Thats funny!! My husband screamed at me "What is wrong with you, why cant you push this baby out" He was stomping around the room refused to get me ice or help me count... He had to go, so I kicked him out.. Isnt is horrific that we can sit hear and compare stories, just proves how many dumba** men there are.:rotfl: :rotfl:
"... BTW My Ex husband became a horses rear in delievery so I called the hospital police and had him removed..HAHA"
OMG! Were you married to MY ex-husband? He was such a horse's b*tt during my first labor that I threatened him with forciful removal for the second. He was history not long after that. Which of us had him first?
Well if your husband wants other people in there and is having a fit you could work out a deal with him. Tell him that one night you will set up a table in your living room and tell him to undress from the waist down and lay on the table with his legs spread as wide as they will go and then invite whoever he wanted to watch to come over and stare at his open crotch like a movie theater. Maybe then he will see how it feels to be in your shoes! :rotfl:
You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?
My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!
I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.
What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?
(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)
But legally, when it comes down to it, YOU are the patient and therefore have the right to say who stays and who doesnt. You will have enough to worry about during your delivery without having to stress over your MIL seeing your bits and pieces and worrying about your husband taking unwanted photos of you! If I were you (Im due 1-12-05 and its NOT my first :) Id put my foot down. If my best friend couldnt be there, then no one can. Just my two cents, since ya asked
When if comes down to it, we just don't see it the same. His mom was there for the delivery for her other 2 grandsons, but she is much closer to that DIL than she is to me. It was such a special experience for both of them and they both got the warm fuzzies from it. I, on the other hand am not close to her and feel she can wait out in the waiting room with everyone else and see the baby shortly after she's born, once I'm all covered up.
My husband is a total mama's boy (I bet none of you suspected that huh?!) and so I think he is somewhat worried (even if he doesn't realize it) about pleasing her. Not "pleasing" her as in winning her approval, but pleasing her as in making her happy. He was always more of a caretaker of her feelings than his own father was. So I doubt my husband really sees how much he's tending to her. Likewise, his mom is (probably unknowingly) accustomed to my husband tending to her feelings, so off and on during our entire relationship we've had problems with her (another shocker, huh?).
So for me to not want his mom there, who is FAMILY, but to want my best friend there, AN OUTSIDER, really bugs him. He wants his mom to feel important and loved by me. He sometimes tries to force a better relationship because he wants me to like and love her and have things perfect (because that's what she wants) and I just don't want that with her (for various reasons). So what better reason to make her feel like I like her and things are perfect than to invite her to see me give birth? NOT.
He also thinks having my best friend and possibly my mom there but not HIS mom will somehow make him less important because he won't be able to support me much because they will crowd him out. But if his mom is there she may equalize things and help him to help me. To which my response is, what's important here? ME actually getting supported or YOU feeling like you were the one who did it? Oh well, that's another fight!
This is so much more convuluted and complex than it needs to be don't you all think?!?!?!?!
. It was my husband and my mother,until I kicked him out. You need someone you trust and love to help coach you. Who better than you own mother. I considered it a honor to have my mother in the room and would have not changed a thing. The only thing that made me feel uncomfortable was when I was pushing, my mother got down there and said " LAWD, Denise that baby has brown hair and lots of it". AAAYYYYEEEE :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: 
cabbage patch rn
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It should be your decision, you're the one giving birth not your husband. I can't imagine having my mother-in-law in there looking at me in all of my glory.
I wanted my mom to be in there with me when I had my children and my husband didn't want her there, so I caved and told her that they would only allow one person. I have always regretted that. You will have the same regrets if you let your husband push you into a corner and decided for you who will best support you during the most important event of your life. It's not about him this time.