You guys, I'm only 5 months pregnant and I'm already stressing about this. Can I have some opinions?
My problem is that my husband does not want me to have my best friend in the delivery room but he does want his mom in there. Now, I'm not limited to a certain number so that isn't an issue. However, this does not set well because I KNOW my best friend will be a wonderful supporter and cheerleader to me, possibly even more supportive than my husband because that's the way she is. His mom will likely be there to watch, be excited and take pictures. I'm not close to her. I am modest and I don't particularly want my MIL seeing me deliver. I've seen births and they aren't clean and they aren't pretty!
I also told my husband that I didn't want down and dirty pictures taken of me during the birth and he seemed appalled that I wouldn't want pictures of that. He thinks that since it is his baby too and that WE are going through a delivery that he should have a say so in whether pictures are taken of my crotch and whether or not his mom or my best friend is present. He almost sees it like its a family occurrence that the mom should get to be there for, while my best friend will be an outsider and shouldn't be there. We've had various issues with his mother in the past and me barring her from seeing this could cause 3-way problems between me, her and my husband. Most importantly it would cause issues between me and my husband.
What do you guys think? Should I just give in and let her be there? Am I out of line to want my best friend (who is like a sister to me) there and his mom not? Is it as much his decision as mine?
(and of course whether or not my own mother is there is a whole other issue)
My husband was the only one in the delivery room, (the hospital only allows 2 anyway). Most of the rest of the family waited it out in the waiting room. My mother-in-law couldn't be there because she had to go to BINGO that night (she is a bingoaholic!) Giving birth is not a spectator sport, only people that make you feel comfortable should be there.
This is a really interesting thread. I've been struggling about whether to post my observation here because it's so hard to know the whole story. I come to this board with a background in family therapy and, at the risk of conjecture, this is what I think might be going on. I'm not saying these things to be negative, just to put an idea on the table.
It seems like your husband is a mama's boy. That has to be dealt with and his first allegiance has got to be to you and his child from now on. In my practice I saw a lot of men like this treat their wives very differently once they became mothers. In a word the lover becomes *mother* with a capital M and this can lead to all manner of sexual problems, etc.
I'm not saying this will happen in your marriage once your child is born. But if your dh tends to see women as "good" (mother) or "bad" (sexual being) you will have some work to do.
Oh, man I hope I don't catch h*** for posting this; just based on my experience working with men who cannot integrate all aspects of womanhood.
Well, I read your post, WhatToDo (I never have figured out how to quote other posts) and I understand what you are saying regarding equal vs. traditional partnerships. But I wouldn't describe us as traditional. He is in no way the breadwinner (makes just over half what I make) and we couldn't have me stay at home raising the children even if I wanted to. (just look at the city I live in!) I think a lot of our problem with this issue is that we DO have a equal partnership and therein lies the problem. He feels like *I* am making the FINAL and ONLY decision on this and doesn't feel like he can really give any input regarding HIS wants and feelings. So basiclly we're so equal that if either of us gets a little onesided and tries to make a decision without the other we both know we risk a problem.
He knows better than to try to "call the shots" --he'd have a pregnant grumpy fiery redhead to deal with!
I absolutely have NO doubt that I'll get my way on this issue. It's just going to cause some fights (and already has) that I don't wish to deal with. He's already mentioned my wishes to his mom and defended my position to her even though he doesn't agree with it.
I agree that the woman should have her choice as to who is in the delivery room but I take exception when some of you ladies suggest that the baby is HERS and HERS only. The baby was made by 2 people. Yes it is carried by the mother but if it is a normal family then BOTH parents will raise the child, with each parent contributing equally, just not the same. When 2 people get married they become one. She should respect his wishes and he should respect hers. My opinion as a man is that she should tell her husband how she feels and he should give in to her wishes. Not because it is "her body" but because he loves her.
Maybe you could tell your mother-in-law if she wants to be there she has to attend a childbirth class with you. Some hospitals offer all day Saturday classes. That way if she goes you will have a better support person and if she doesn't go she has made the decision not to be there herself and your husband can't be bothered by that.
I agree that it is ultimately your decision, but your husband is having a baby too. He's not HAVING a baby, but his feelings should be respected also.
I wouldn't sacrifice having my friend there if that's what you want. You may just want to look on the bright side of having MIL there as well. I would have liked a supportive friend at my labor for my husband's sake as well as mine. He was tired and overwhelmed and a friend would have been a big help. And maybe you will find that your MIL can get you drinks, warm blankets etc and help out a lot without getting directly involved with you.
I'm sure it will all work out for the best and you will have a wonderful experience. Best wishes!
Nurseguy, of course they are both the parents. But like it or not, it is her giving birth and not her husband. She will be the one experiencing the contractions, it's her cervix that needs to dilate and she's the one that will have to push the baby out of her lady parts, unless she gets a section in which case it's her body being cut open. Biology sucks sometimes but it is what it is, so in any hospital it is the woman who gets the final say on who gets to be present.
Nurseguy, of course they are both the parents. But like it or not, it is her giving birth and not her husband. She will be the one experiencing the contractions, it's her cervix that needs to dilate and she's the one that will have to push the baby out of her lady parts, unless she gets a section in which case it's her body being cut open. Biology sucks sometimes but it is what it is, so in any hospital it is the woman who gets the final say on who gets to be present.
No problem with her having the final say. It just seemed that the overwhelming census was that because it is her body, the man should have zero say in the matter. My opinion is that they are joined as one and that he should respect her wishes because she is his wife, not because the baby belongs to her.
I get that and you're right that my opinion is that he should respect her wishes because her body belongs to her and no one else and this is her body going through the process. I don't think the child is more hers than his though. Personally, I would love it if men could carry babies and give birth, I have no desire to go through excruitiating pain half naked in front of a bunch of strangers.
I don't think any of us even hinted that the baby was more hers than his. It is a shared experience. But more personal from a privacy standpoint for her: much more personal. Maybe if Dad is willing to get naked throughout the process with HER mom or dad present that particular playing field would be leveled, or at least more understood. But then, what would you do with all those clothed staff people :rotfl:
Who wants to see those nasty pictures anyway? There is nothing cute about it. The only cute thing is the baby and I doubt the baby will appreciate seeing those type photos in the future. The idea is for you to be comfortable during this stressful time. Limit it to you and hubby and tell the nurse that is YOUR final say, regardless of what he might say later. And tell him if he cannot agree and be supportive then he can wait outside too. I am glad he wants to participate, but this is carrying it a little far.
I would flat out say NO! about his mom, if that is how you feel. She wasn't watching you have sex, so why should she watch you have the baby? I know this is a terrible analogy, but there are some things mom-in-laws should not be there for. If you want her there for the birth, that's different. Your husband should, and his mom, should respect your desire not to have her there also. It's a big deal anyway spreading wide in front of dr's and nurses, but to your mom-in-law too? geeze!
I was lucky my first child ended up being an emergency forceps delivery, so no one was allowed. My second child was born 4 hours after I got to the hospital. No one was there yet, except my husband...lol I hemorraged, so I had to go to the recovery room afterwards. They were wheeling me out, and my mom and sister walk up then, thinking they were taking me to deliver. WHEW!!! My husband and I had already discussed we really didn't want anyone in the room, but didn't want to tell them either. I was in the room when my sister had her baby. SO, I lucked out!!!
WHEW!!! My husband and I had already discussed we really didn't want anyone in the room, but didn't want to tell them either. I was in the room when my sister had her baby. SO, I lucked out!!!
candicane
23 Posts
My husband was the only one in the delivery room, (the hospital only allows 2 anyway). Most of the rest of the family waited it out in the waiting room. My mother-in-law couldn't be there because she had to go to BINGO that night (she is a bingoaholic!) Giving birth is not a spectator sport, only people that make you feel comfortable should be there.