Just wanted to post this somewhere to rant... because I can't mention this to any coworkers...
The other day, we had a resource tech/aid on our floor, who was African american with a unique name. And while we were all sitting around the nurses station talking, I said to her "Did your momma name you xxxxxxxx", in which she replied "No my grandma did" -- the only reason I asked this question was because I was curious if the name was a birth name or nick name.
About half an hour later, she told me that she thought what I said was rude to her. She walked away and I followed a minute later and apologized (for what? I don't know, still did anyways)
Today, I found out she reported me to HR for this incident. I don't know whether I should be worried or not because I almost find this ridiculous... and at the same time, if she's playing the racist card and HR is making the decision about it, not my unit director... I could be long gone already?
It's sad that you can offend someone so easily over something so small or innocent. I'm genuinely the kindest person, always helping out and trying to make people laugh! I said this in a total non-malicious way and everyone around us was aware of that. I'm almost angry at the fact she went to HR because there is no way in heck she actually thinks I was trying to be mean!
Should I be worried? Do you find what I said completely inappropriate?It's sad that the lesson I learned is you can't talk to people you don't know I guess. I really enjoy working on my unit... I get along with all the staff so well. I'm just at loss for words right now.
In addition to patients rounds we should have daily sensing sessions for hurt feelings. Even IF the comment was said in bad taste, reporting someone to HR is pathetic.
You have a problem? Talk to them first. Typical nursing environment to have hurt feelings over a name. I bet the next step is to being in consultants to talk about diversity and hold workshops.
You can say the same thing countless different ways and get countless different reactions.
If you said, "did your momma name you that?" to a black American that you didn't know very well, I can see how it would come across as somewhat rude. If the person is sensitive anyway, they were probably just flat out offended, especially if there were multiple people standing around when you asked the question. You could have asked the same thing in a number of different ways that didn't sound so slanted.
Surely you can see how that might come across to some people, whether you would have been offended or not.
Specializes in ED, Cardiac-step down, tele, med surg.
No don't be worried. Being worried won't affect anything. It sounds like you were curious about her name and asked about it. If your intentions were good, I don't see what the problem is. Save your energy for other things.
Sometimes, we stumble into rough road socially while bearing the best of intentions.
Not every person walking the earth is going to be able to interpret your intentions correctly. Compost happens...
What's important now, is maintaining your sense of professionalism. Take the wrist slap from HR, nod, process it, and move on. You'll have bigger fish to fry working in a unit closely with the thinned skinned individual. Stick to the basics, refer to that person by their title only. Avoid any conversations involving subject matter that's personal in any way in the future. It'll go away.
If it helps you at all, I was once referred to human resources for responding to multiple co-workers asking me if I preferred 'big' women who were white. I wasn't offended that I was asked this. Yet I found it to be a little over the top to be put on the spot as the token member of my gender and race to address this curiosity. My response apparently offended one of my co-workers to the point that they sicked HR on me. My response in writing still has the long timers in that unit laughing whenever they see me.
My advice to you for the future. Work is work. It isn't the social hour. And you truly do not need to know your co-worker's life stories in order to give great patient care and function as a team.
If you don't reign this in now, you are likely to be in exactly the situation you fear in the future at some point.
Sincerely,
Large African American/black/whatever the term is this week/male charge nurse.
Me, I always figure the most respectful thing I can do is pronounce a person's name correctly. If I didn't know how, I would ask the person to teach me ... and then go about our mutual business.
Specializes in Cardiac, Home Health, Primary Care.
When I read the original post I didn't think of anything offensive. I also live in the south and plenty of people call their mothers "momma." My name is spelled differently (as in I never have a pencil or mug with my name spelled right) and if someone asked if my momma spelled it that way/gave me my name I wouldn't think anything of it.
Now in certain tones I can imagine it could be taken as offensive...even if it was a time OP didn't realize she had. We all sometimes come off as harsh (or otherwise) without it being our intentions. The words themselves seem like they are nothing. Tone may have led her to believe there was some other feeling behind the question.
Just wanted to post this somewhere to rant... because I can't mention this to any coworkers...
The other day, we had a resource tech/aid on our floor, who was African american with a unique name. And while we were all sitting around the nurses station talking, I said to her "Did your momma name you xxxxxxxx", in which she replied "No my grandma did" -- the only reason I asked this question was because I was curious if the name was a birth name or nick name.
About half an hour later, she told me that she thought what I said was rude to her. She walked away and I followed a minute later and apologized (for what? I don't know, still did anyways)
Today, I found out she reported me to HR for this incident. I don't know whether I should be worried or not because I almost find this ridiculous... and at the same time, if she's playing the racist card and HR is making the decision about it, not my unit director... I could be long gone already?
It's sad that you can offend someone so easily over something so small or innocent. I'm genuinely the kindest person, always helping out and trying to make people laugh! I said this in a total non-malicious way and everyone around us was aware of that. I'm almost angry at the fact she went to HR because there is no way in heck she actually thinks I was trying to be mean!
Should I be worried? Do you find what I said completely inappropriate?It's sad that the lesson I learned is you can't talk to people you don't know I guess. I really enjoy working on my unit... I get along with all the staff so well. I'm just at loss for words right now.
Are you stating the whole story? Your story sounds fishy to me. Is this the only incident you have had involving this tech? With all the racial tension going on , I advise you not joke around as people can be very sensitive. Now if this story is true, then the tech acted in an extreme manner and I have to wonder why she would do so , as there could be repercussions for her actions.
Sometimes, we stumble into rough road socially while bearing the best of intentions.
Not every person walking the earth is going to be able to interpret your intentions correctly. Compost happens...
What's important now, is maintaining your sense of professionalism. Take the wrist slap from HR, nod, process it, and move on. You'll have bigger fish to fry working in a unit closely with the thinned skinned individual. Stick to the basics, refer to that person by their title only. Avoid any conversations involving subject matter that's personal in any way in the future. It'll go away.
If it helps you at all, I was once referred to human resources for responding to multiple co-workers asking me if I preferred 'big' women who were white. I wasn't offended that I was asked this. Yet I found it to be a little over the top to be put on the spot as the token member of my gender and race to address this curiosity. My response apparently offended one of my co-workers to the point that they sicked HR on me. My response in writing still has the long timers in that unit laughing whenever they see me.
My advice to you for the future. Work is work. It isn't the social hour. And you truly do not need to know your co-worker's life stories in order to give great patient care and function as a team.
If you don't reign this in now, you are likely to be in exactly the situation you fear in the future at some point.
Sincerely,
Large African American/black/whatever the term is this week/male charge nurse.
Ahem.... sometimes, those of us with unique sounding names, or those who dress differently, or have accents, have well-meaning people try to ask questions about our differences in roundabout ways... and they just come out so wrong.
I don't think that what you said was intentionally offensive, but just by how you described the incident, I can see how things went awry. I would take the opportunity to express in writing that you had no malicious intent, but (hopefully) you can now see how your comment was misinterpreted.
For the record, as someone "different," it is much less offensive when someone directly asks what they're curious about... it's more honest.
I can see where the woman was offended. Not only have I never heard the term "momma" mentioned unless it was a sarcastic comment, who else would have named her? If someone asked me that, I wouldn't think they wanted to know if it was a nickname or not.
However, the tech over-reacted, IMO. I am someone who has put their foot in their mouth plenty, so I do understand. In this day and age, it's probably a good idea to think things through before speaking to someone we don't know well; there are plenty of people easily offended and want the upper hand by complaining to HR.
That Guy, BSN, RN, EMT-B
3,421 Posts
See this why you refer to them as My Tech to avoid this mistake