Just wanted to post this somewhere to rant... because I can't mention this to any coworkers...
The other day, we had a resource tech/aid on our floor, who was African american with a unique name. And while we were all sitting around the nurses station talking, I said to her "Did your momma name you xxxxxxxx", in which she replied "No my grandma did" -- the only reason I asked this question was because I was curious if the name was a birth name or nick name.
About half an hour later, she told me that she thought what I said was rude to her. She walked away and I followed a minute later and apologized (for what? I don't know, still did anyways)
Today, I found out she reported me to HR for this incident. I don't know whether I should be worried or not because I almost find this ridiculous... and at the same time, if she's playing the racist card and HR is making the decision about it, not my unit director... I could be long gone already?
It's sad that you can offend someone so easily over something so small or innocent. I'm genuinely the kindest person, always helping out and trying to make people laugh! I said this in a total non-malicious way and everyone around us was aware of that. I'm almost angry at the fact she went to HR because there is no way in heck she actually thinks I was trying to be mean!
Should I be worried? Do you find what I said completely inappropriate?It's sad that the lesson I learned is you can't talk to people you don't know I guess. I really enjoy working on my unit... I get along with all the staff so well. I'm just at loss for words right now.
I think the way you asked her about it could easily be interpreted as offensive. You could have been more polite and came across as sincere. The half joking thing, "did your MOMMA name you THAT?" makes it seem like you are laughing at her. People with unique names get sick and tired of others pointing it out or making a joke of it. I can understand why she would have thought you were rude.
Do you know she is saying you were racist? She could have reported you for just being plain old rude.
Even if you DID say it rudely, reporting one mildly rude comment to HR seems like too much effort to go through. It's equivalent to, "MOM! She looked at me funny!"
I am African American and have an African name that is very unique. Ppl of all races ask me often "where did your parents find that name? It's very UNIQUE". I don't take offense to it at all.
Some people are quite sensitive when it comes to their name. The whole "your momma" and all of that may have made her think you were mocking her. I think she should have spoken with you first before HR.
Agree, but the OP did talk to her, and she still reported her.
Back to the OP.
Since I wasn't there, I don't know how your tone was and in what context the rest of the conversation was about, you left that out.
I remember a conversation that a doctor had about African Americans and I felt uncomfortable about it (as an African American) and went to my unit manager, over 15 years ago-I was 19 at the time and I wanted to ensure if anything else happened I at least expressed how uncomfortable I was with the situation.
Maybe this coworker wanted a paper trail because she was uncomfortable. She may have spoke to you, but she still had a right to go to someone; especially if she saw in the exchange that it wasn't enough or your lack of understanding why you were apologizing (it could've been apparent in your apology as you expressed here) and wanted a paper trail.
You may not understand it or think it was right, but whatever happened, your coworker still felt uncomfortable and exercised their right to go to someone else of authority about the incident.
I don't think I would have reported you to HR, but I do think you were out of line. I could see where someone may have thought you were rude. If you think about it, How is it any of your business how she got the name? I was not there, so I don't know the full story. Personally, I would not have gone to HR over this.
Why on earth would you say to someone you did not know, did your momma name you that? There was a much better way to say that.
People are constantly offended in this world. But if someone is offended, they are. It's a feeling. You can't tell someone they can't be offended over something.
OP, you have a lot to learn. You, especially in the workplace, need to be sensitive to other people and how you are perceived. Not everyone at work is your best bud. Turn on CNN sometime and see what is on there every single day. It's all about racial tension and equality for humans with the LGBT community. I would apologize to this coworker. Ask them why they were offended and what you could do to make this better. Otherwise, I see you not lasting real long in the real world.
Social skills are just as important as nursing skills. Your workplace needs to ensure you will not be offending your patients, their customers.
Specializes in Psychiatry, Community, Nurse Manager, hospice.
What you said obviously offended the woman who reported you.
If I had an unusual name and someone asked "did your momma name you that?" I would be offended. In fact if anyone I didn't know at work asked me any question about my "momma" I would find it rude and infantilizing. I guess if this is the way people talk in your region, then okay. But where I'm from "your momma" usually prefaces an insult or joke.
You need to learn a lesson here about how you ought to talk to people at work whom you don't know. That's all.
Okay! That's what I get for trying the internet for advice. I would defend myself but that'll just continue on and on. I'll just deal with this on my own. Thanks anyways everybody.
First of all, none of us were present when the discussion occurred, so there is no way to tell the tone of your comment. I'm from the South Side of Chicago, and prefacing something with "your momma" is risky at best. I personally wouldn't use that phrase with people I know well, much less work acquaintances.
If you were honestly curious about the origin of her name, there are myriad better ways of asking, some of which have already been mentioned here.
If you plan on falling back on the "just kidding" defense, you would be wise to remember what Ellen DeGeneris once said: "For something to really be funny, EVERYONE in the room should be laughing."
Now, the reason I included the quote; I suspect you really didn't post this on a public forum for advise, but rather for sympathy. You really didn't get the response you wanted, so now you're taking your indignation and going home. If you do break your silence and post again, I expect to see "You're just a bunch of bullies" and "NETY". That's ok, we can take it.
I personally have a "unique name for a white person" and I get asked things like this all of the time. I do not get offended, but I can honestly see how others would. When I was younger I did, but I do not anymore. I would never go to HR over something like this. Some people are overly sensitive and it is always a good idea to think of everyone as being overly sensitive so you will remember to sensor what you say. Its kind of like assuming everyone is infected and using PPE. I am sorry this happened to you, and please be careful what you say in the future, even if it is to someone you know well...you never know who is listening.
I tend to have a big mouth and speak my mind, I know it is hard to believe lol. I recently said that I would not be comfortable discharging a child home where there was no running water as this is a basic hygiene element. It offended one of my team members who was raised in a home without running water. They calmly explained how they managed. Thankfully we have a good relationship and I believe knows I would never say anything with intent of being elitist so we just discussed it and I said that I had never given it that much thought. We dropped the subject however if after we discussed it the person later went to HR I would have been pissed. If it were a pattern thats a whole different story but if someone apologizes and likely didn't mean any harm I think the other person should consider letting it rest.
Maybe there are some who have never said something that came out awkward or was inappropriate? Unfortunately that isn't me.
Op just by reading your post, I was offended. You came off as very rude when you said "your momma" opposed to "your mother". Please choose your wording wisely in the future.
Idk it doesn't sound offensive to me, as a black woman with a unique name. They way you said it sounds like you're either southern or from the south. That was probably the southern way to say it.
Now, some people are sensitive and it's their right to be. Maybe she's been teased about it before and now in her eyes some white woman at work is randomly asking if her momma named her that as if it's unbelievable someone's mother would do so. I can see it from both points of view.
I really think it was a bit much for her to go to HR because now she has made it a "thing" and messed up the vibe on your unit.
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Karou
700 Posts
I think the way you asked her about it could easily be interpreted as offensive. You could have been more polite and came across as sincere. The half joking thing, "did your MOMMA name you THAT?" makes it seem like you are laughing at her. People with unique names get sick and tired of others pointing it out or making a joke of it. I can understand why she would have thought you were rude.
Do you know she is saying you were racist? She could have reported you for just being plain old rude.