husbands that won't help

CHATSDALE · Sep 10, 2008

i think that the hubby in the op is not going to change, sometimes they will change only for as long as they think they absolutely have to and then bit by bit they will slide into their old habits

it is more fun to play golf, or hand around with creepy friends or play video games than to work cleaning the house, maybe doing the lions share because of wifes work and school

no one really wants a divorce but sometimes it is the only option for your mental/physical health..do you really believe that he is going to change: do you believe that you will be happy for the rest of your life if he NEVER changes?

if yo get a divorce and you don't find someone else are you prepared to have some really lonely times

you are the only one who can make a personal decision

wearingmanyhats, RN · Sep 10, 2008

I would add my 2 cents.....

most of the rest of the posts are good advice (if you truly have had a good marriage prior, you should probably try to patch things up...if this is just the final straw.......)

If you are serious about leaving...

copy every piece of paper you can get your hands on.... bank stuff, paystubs, IRS..... you get the picture.

Keep all of the above in a safe spot (good friend's house or your parents....)

If there is any risk of abuse.... make a backup plan... change of clothes for you and kids (see above for where to keep it) and be sure you have a cell phone with numbers of local women's shelter...

If you need to talk.... email me privately... BTDT

Faye

NursingAgainstdaOdds · Sep 10, 2008

Oh girl, I can completely sympathize (to the OP, and others in the thread who've had similar difficulties).

My husband and I were so incredibly poor when we got married. He wasn't even allowed to work (he's an immigrant, and still doesn't have citizenship, but is a permanent resident). I learned I was pregnant and instantly decided I was going to nursing school. It was seriously my first thought after I read that little test.

I spent the next 3 years working, taking care of my little one, and dealing with a husband who was mad at me for deciding to go to nursing school. (Subsequently, he spent a total of 4 years being mad at me for the only thing that has ultimately totally saved our collective behinds.) He refused to clean, help with the babe at all if I was home ... held ridiculous grudges against me ...

I can't say that it's gotten any better since I graduated last spring. He's spent most of the last 2 years pretty much unemployed, completely without initiative, and attached more to his computer games than his family. He's finally got a steady job, which I made him get and nagged for months for him to apply for, which my FATHER obtained FOR HIM ... now that he's working a bunch of OT he thinks it's OK to completely check-out from the family all together.

I think it takes time to reach such a difficult decision. I know for me it has. At this point, I'm not even interested in this "relationship" anymore. I'm just waiting to get the courage to do something about it - as usual, the hardest person to take care of is yourself.

Hugs to you all.

suni, BSN, RN · Sep 10, 2008

My husband did the same thing, it was then I realized our entire married life had been like this, I was doing everything and although he worked he seems to think that when he comes home nothing else needs done his day is over. I have repeatedly told him what I need and my expectations and yet he does the same thing . I have decided that I need a wife , and now if I am late coming home and I call and he has not started supper I stopped and eat out and let him fend for himself. I make him do his own laundry and leave him a to do list, sometimes it gets done and sometimes it does not but I just do not stress over it anymore

Valasca · Sep 10, 2008

I haven't read all the responses so forvige me if my post is redundant.

My husband thinks I am his mother. It is extremely frustrating for me. We do not have any children yet but he really wants them soon (after I graduate). So I tell him that I do not need to have children because I am already a mother to him! :banghead:

On a serious note. The best thing that has happened to our marriage (imho) in a long while has been his xbox breaking. That stupid thing broke a couple of months ago (and he hasn't gotten it replaced) thank God. Since then he has helped more around the house (although he still has a long way to go), we spend more QUALITY time together at home. We talk more. It's like he snapped out of a trance..... Now it's not like he's a totally different person or anything it's just that once his xbox broke all of a sudden I wasn't so invisible when we were at home.

I guess the point of my reply is that I think the video games add a significant amount of fuel to the fire that is your frustration. If I were you I would tell your hubby to take a break from the video games for a week (disconnect them and put them in the closet outta sight) and see if things start to get better. Of course let him know why you want him to take a break from the games...

One last thing. My husband is a nurse and he thinks that b/c his job is stressful he can come home and just do nothing. Before I started nursing school I was fine with that, honestly. But now that I am in nursing school I have told him there are new rules...

I am also stressed and when I graduate and I am doing the same job what will his excuse be? It's not fair to me to have to have the stress of nursing school and the house. It's not fair for me to have the stress of working as a nurse and the house. He knows how hard nursing school is and he has 4 days off a week (he works 12's). I have nursing school 5 days a week. Anyway I told him that he had better straighten up and help me out or else I'm leaving once I am done with school and he can explaine to everyone that he wanted me to spoon feed him and wipe his butt and that is why I left! So that promise combined with the xbox breaking has done wonders for our marriage lol!

Whew I guess I needed to get a little something off my chest...lol! Good Luck to you! :redpinkhe

pattymac · Sep 10, 2008

I'm sorry, but I feel the need to respond to those who think that sex is a bargaining tool. Why do we have to offer "ourselves" in return for something that a normal considerate human being should already being doing???? I just can't get my head around this whole concept. It reeks of "selling yourself" to me.....or at the VERY least it is like offering candy to your kids if they are polite and respectful. What?? :no:

rnmomtobe2010 · Sep 10, 2008

OOh, please don't get me started...Mine started out sooooo supportive and now, I think he would love to see me fail...And being that this is a public forum and I am respectful to others, just imagine what I said and how the conversation ended...Someone wasn't happy and it wasn't me!!!:)

2bNurseguru · Sep 10, 2008

Divorce is not answer for marriage problems. When I am stressed, I take it out on my kids and husbands. I have tried to be more intentional in my marriage by showing more respect for my husband. He doesn't do dishes or cook, but he mows the grass, plays with my kids and helps clean although he does not do as much as I would like. But hey, I would rather have a dirty house with a happy marriage, than a clean house and a miserable marriage or lonliness. Being together is more important than a clean house.

When talk to him, be very respectful. If you don't respect him he will be defensive. Say" honey, there are some things that I would like us to talk about when you have a minute. I feel really stresses out with school work, taking care of kids, and cleaning the house, do you have some ideas on how we can help each other more? Talk about we, and I, not you.

Divorce never works--before you realize you will with husband number 4 with tones of kids who have no firm foundation who will end up becoming just like their mother.

For me, the word divorce is not part of my vocarbulary ----unless there is physical abuse or continually unfaithful partner.

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · Sep 10, 2008

I disagree. Divorce was definitely the answer in my first marriage. He was much like the OP's husband, and I never would have been able to get very far in life if I had continued to be chained to him. For the record, I'm on husband #2, who is totally different than the first one. No marital issues, helps a lot around the house, and is respectful toward me. My ex? He's traipsing all over the country, chasing after a 19 year old girl, like the loser he is. He has time for that, but doesn't even call his 16 year old daughter, who considers her step-father her Dad.

Some people don't get it, and will not change, or grow up.

allnurses Guide · Sep 10, 2008

I'm sorry, but I feel the need to respond to those who think that sex is a bargaining tool. Why do we have to offer "ourselves" in return for something that a normal considerate human being should already being doing???? I just can't get my head around this whole concept. It reeks of "selling yourself" to me.....or at the VERY least it is like offering candy to your kids if they are polite and respectful. What??

Don't apologize

I'm the one who said it - mostly "tongue planted firmly in cheek".

However, sex is part of the give and take of a marriage, just like helping with the housework only more fun.

I dunno - I don't like all the answers where you tell your spouse in angry words something. I wouldn't appreciated my husband yelling at me for not being the best bookkeeper. But I would respond to having him sit down and talk about how best to handle things. And a neck rub wouldn't hurt.

steph

mama_d, BSN, RN · Sep 10, 2008

I'm sorry, but I feel the need to respond to those who think that sex is a bargaining tool. Why do we have to offer "ourselves" in return for something that a normal considerate human being should already being doing???? I just can't get my head around this whole concept. It reeks of "selling yourself" to me.....or at the VERY least it is like offering candy to your kids if they are polite and respectful. What??

Not using sex as a bargaining tool, just trying to get hubby to recognize the fact that one of the reasons that I was too exhausted (which he took as disinterest) to even think about sex was that I had so much to do and going on in the rest of my life.

It's hard to focus on sex, when you know you only have three hours before your shift starts, you haven't slept yet, there are no clean clothes for the kids to wear to school the next day, there are no clean dishes for dinner...and crap, there's no food for dinner either, is there enough money for pizza or do I have to go to the store too? Oh, and I have to leave early enough to put gas in the car, and there the baby just woke up so now I have to stay up with him and go to work on no sleep.

I just pointed out to darling hubby that if he would do things like offer to change over and fold clothes, run to the store to get dinner while I'm getting ready for work, taking my car so he can put gas in it, and have baby tag along since they're both awake anyway...look at all the worry that freed me from to concentrate on the finer things in life! Now I have time to load the dishwasher and sleep before work b/c of the teamwork happening, so if he wants to wake me up for work romantically I don't have all the "gotta do this, gotta do that" running immediately through my head instead.

rn/writer, RN · Sep 10, 2008

Smart men know that if romance doesn't begin in the kitchen, it isn't likely to show up in the bedroom. Back when I was in nursing school and scarcely knew which end was up, my husband got my attention and my admiration when he washed a sinkful of dishes, threw a load in the washer, and trundled the kids off to bed. And he didn't hand me a bill--for sex or anything else--afterward. If I had any spark left at all, I was thankful and happy to be with him.

He understood that parenting isn't just for women. He even corrected a few male relatives and 'splained to them that it is impossible for a man to "babysit" his own children.

We've had our rough patches over the years, but neither of us has ever had a wandering eye. Why would we when we have such a solid foundation of mutual respect and support right here at home.

Too many men act like spoiled little boys, expecting their wives to be their mothers as well. That's a surefire recipe to kill romance and respect and all the other good stuff that makes a marriage work.

If more men understood how much they actually gain by giving, our world would be a happier place.