husbands that won't help

TalldiNY · Sep 9, 2008

Spideys mom is right. Counseling. If he won't go than that is an answer re how important you are to him. Go for yourself. All nurses are codependents. Also he can keep at least a part time job and go to school (if you stay with him) you have children to support. There is no judge in the country who wouldn't tell him that at the divorce. Unfortunately it is true you could be saddled with alimony, especially as the arguement can be made 'well I supported her thru her schooling...' An RN's salary is NOT going to provide for home hearth and his schooling. I am sure you will be paying for your OWN student loans. Do NOT sign for any loans he takes out.

Get that legal separation and divorce going before your out of school.

TalldiNY · Sep 9, 2008

I wonder why you wouldn't get out? If you think your children haven't been watching you're wrong. He probably has had more than one "interest." You are better than that.

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · Sep 9, 2008

All nurses are codependents.

Not true. :confused:

bossynurse101 · Sep 9, 2008

Oh yeah sis, been there done that. Have to agree with all who have said that nsg school stress is prob adding to the chaos. That being said, NOT a good idea to make any magor changes while in school.

One of the reasons I got my RN degree was so that I would NEVER have to depend on another man EVER and wd have the ability to leave and support my kids alone if need be. Having gone through too many unhealthy reltaitonships, I also realized that alot of my problem was ME and the men that I chose. After I left the lazy, no help, inconsiderate, selfish, self centered jerk, I knew that I needed a period of time to work on me and not be in any relationships until I no longer NEEDEd a relationship. I am now happily (extremely) married to a man that I spent alot of time getting to know BEFORE I decided to get involved. He cooks, cleans, helps with the kids, walks the dog - you name it. Trust me, I had some heavy duty criteria this time around. Does that mean, however, that you shd give up on " Mr. Nimble Fingers"? This prob isnt the time to figure it out. Nursing school is a full time job and you need your wits about you. My advice - spend as much time at the library (or a study partners) house as possible until you get a break from classes and then read him the riot act. My experience has been tho that people dont usually change and are mostly out of your control. Bottom line - get used to living in a pig stye or get out. Good luck girl, we feel your pain.:loveya:

rph3664 · Sep 9, 2008

This is a real sore spot with me. I've been married a really long time and have raised three kids to adulthood almost singlehandedly because hubby is too involved in his own pursuits. I've tried all the aforementioned tactics and nothing works. It's all about him all day everyday. I'm in a situation where divorce isn't an option so I've just sucked it all up. I've decided what it's important for me to do and what I'm just going to ignore. I don't ask for his input with anything anymore because I feel that if he can't help me do something, he doesn't get a vote. We've (I've) had about $60k worth of major upgrades done to our house and he didn't even want to see the kitchen plans when they were drawn up. Now when he makes comments about not liking the sink or where the dishwasher ended up, I remind him that he couldn't be bothered to look at the drawings. Oh, you don't like coral on the bathroom walls? Seems to me I was the one in the paint store and I was the one on the ladder and I was the one grouting the tiles, so go away!
Sorry, I wandered off topic a bit there. As someone who has not succeeded at getting my husband to help out, I can't offer any
advice, but I can commiserate.

Why can't you get divorced? Do you live in an area where it's illegal? And why didn't you figure out what he was like before the THIRD child was born?

imanedrn · Sep 9, 2008

I bet if you take a poll of married nursing students you would find the mass majority want a divorce---nursing school is hard, marriage is hard, parenting is hard and your trying to do your best at all 3 of them...I dont know what it is about nursing school but it totally consumes you.
Here is my advice, take a deep breath--and know that soon you will graduate. Once you pass your boards you will soon settle into a nice job and life will some what return to normal.
I was totally planning my divorce(escape) the last 2 semesters of nursing school, and now I realize I was just overly stressed.
Life will get better, just like class, take it one day at a time. Focus on getting through and if it makes you feel better keep planning your escape in your head, just dont act on it---not yet, wait till you graduate and see how you feel...
Best of luck--I have been there.

Yup. I made 2 best friends in nursing school. Nursing school (in addition to all the emotional doors it opened) put a strain on all 3 of our marriages. We each had different factors: they have kids, I don't; 1 lived with her husband's family; that same one, her husband went to school FT also, no work; etc. You get the idea... In any case, although all 3 of us were convinced we'd get divorced after school, only 1 got the divorce -- the one who we least expected, actually!

Sure, those aren't betting odds, but I'm sure the point is clear.

Yes, spouses are TERRIBLE sometimes. But think of how your friends and family don't understand either. Nursing school (and nursing as a profession) is WAY different from anything that most people go through. The "other people" in our lives just do NOT get it. (I can't wait for my husband AND sister to go through it! :yeah: ) Your husband is being "selfish" probably because he thinks you're going to school, just like he is, and you're only going to be a nurse, after all! Our loved ones, no matter how much they love us, they will NEVER understand our schooling or our profession.

Now, I don't know the other details of your marriage, but, before taking such a big plunge, I would suggest you spend some time communicating with your husband about the short and long term, including HOW things have changed since you're entered NS. If your marriage has been "good" up until this point, then maybe it's a complete lack of understanding on his part and can use some real work, esp. before you end your marriage. If you've had problems for a while and have no hope of recovery, then take the previous poster's suggestion and make sure to file BEFORE you get a job!

Whatever you do, do it with lots of thought though!

dani_girl · Sep 10, 2008

I agree w/ Bossy... study AWAY FROM HOME.... I graduated in May and went thru a big break up (not married but engaged & together) and even though according to most it ended peacefully.. it still put a ding on my GPA..

One friend in Nursing school did pull a strike (prior to school) and it worked.. the trick? as she put it "you have to go all in or nothing" if you strike, STRIKE! you can not cave.. DO NOTHING!! Make your own lunch, clothes, and yeah help out the 12 year old (when no one is looking.) Leave a list of things you want done... and follow through!!

*** If that fails you can do what my sister did.. destroy the "other woman" in her case it was a X-box.. poured a coke in it... and sliced the wires for good measure.. :rotfl:

Anyhoo.. communication is great.. all for it.. but you know what?? There is a point when you have to recognize you have :deadhorse been having the conversation with a wall.

Good luck!

allnurses Guide · Sep 10, 2008

I just saw a "similar thread" on the bottom of this page and remembered . . ....... :coollook: So I'm posting it here.

The 10 Commandments For Husbands

"I hate to sound like some religious nut job here--but I really felt (sort of) for certain that God gave me, and me alone, the 10 Commandments for Husbands, last Wednesday while I was watching American Idol. "

"God inspired you to write this?" you say. Yep, God did. The way I'm almost certain it was maybe God speaking to me is that every time He speaks to me about something (and it's pretty often), I begin to smell WD40, packing popcorn begins to fall from the ceiling of my trailer house, and then a voice begins speaking to me in English--but with an angry and commanding high-pitched Chinese accent. It's quite an experience.

Given all these divine attestations who can doubt that what I have penned for you husbands is anything but inspired. Stand in awe, all ye husbands, because herewith are 10 things that thou must doeth . . . or I guess not doeth--actually, there's both--to have a successful marriage.

1. Thou shalt not demand that thy middle aged wife look like one of Hef's 20-year old chicks. Staying attractive for each other via exercise, diet and, possibly, a little nip/tuck, is one thing. Demanding that thy 45-year old wife look like a 19-year old Hillary Duff after she's received multitudinous stretch marks from giving birth to thy three kids puts thou solidly in the running for the "Ass of the Universe" crown. Yea, such an attitude officially ticketh off the Lord thy God.

Palm Pilot, listen to the prophetic word, thou must be content with loving thy wife and appreciating her as an attractive and mature woman. She's not 20 any more, and by the way, neither art thou (or is it thee?). As a matter of fact, thou probably art a paunch gut sluggard with severe halitosis whose hair is both turning gray and loose. Thou shouldst be real thankful that she doesn't turn the plastic surgery/male enhancement gun on thou and thy . . . uh, shall we say, challenged areas.

2. Thou shalt not hang out with horndogs. Hanging out with guys who hateth their wives, who loveth to indulge in the superfluity of naughtiness and who are out to convert the faithful to the Cult of Infidelity is muy goofy. Be not deceived: bad company will land thee in a strip club or an illicit affair which will causeth thou to meet with the chainsaw of Jehovah. Be afraid.

Husbands, if thou hast failed in the fidelity field, followeth these simple instructions: own it, tell thy wife that thou art an idiot, beg her forgiveness, goeth to counseling and have the sage tell thee what a bass ackwards brutish fellow of the baser sort you are. From there, go on, thou penitent one, to don thy frame with sackcloth, sit thyself on the front row of a goodly church and let God divinely redirect thy blood to thine big head so that thou can thinkest with that for a change. After that, pursue ye goodfellows who diggeth the whole married/family experience and let their light give thee light.

3. Thou shalt get a frickin' job. Thou sluggard, here's a little 411 regarding what thy wife is really thinking about thou not working: your unemployed state is getting really, really, really, I'm talkin' really old. Sure it was okay for a fortnight. But after a year of thy lady bringing home the drachmas while thou surfest Media sites and watcheth Flavor Flav--I'm sorry, I mean, as thou lookest for employment online . . . well, that's not cutting it any more.

Not only should thou get a job, but thou should be aggressively making certain that thou art constantly excelling at what thou doest and thereby, securing for thine homestead some serious flow. Hold on a sec . . . I'm smelling a fresh whiff of WD40. Yea, it's God instant messaging me . . . here it is: God IM'ed me just now to tell thee that thou needeth to roll out of bed, quit looking for a job out of thy window, feel the responsibility to feed thy family, be a big boy and do whatever it takes to provide for thy house--or get ready for Him to kick your butt (BTW: that was a direct quote).

4. Thou shalt lead thy family. (Duh.) Guess what, O man? You're to be king of your castle. I know, I know, metrosexual devilish misandry has taught thee to be thou a little princess; however, God would like, thou squeamish one, for thee to rise up and play the Spartan in the spiritual, physical and financial well being of that which you betrothed and spawned.

Therefore, cease thou from shoving everything onto thy wife. Okay, thou passive twit? Learn how to manage thy money, get involved in thy teenage girl's life so she doesn't end up on a hip-hop video having beer poured down her cleavage while being called a "***** and a ho" by a some punk thug that the hypocrites, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, still won't condemn.

Get thou spiritually briefed and then establish for thine offspring a moral foundation that'll assist them to withstand the hedonistic hailstorm thy kid will face in . . . kindergarten. Pull thy head out of from thy buttocks, shake the irresponsibility from thy soul, reject passivity and now go . . . lead your family courageously, thou formerly neutered Nancy boy.

5. Thou shalt not fart at the dinner table. Another thing that maketh thy woman want to trade thee in for something that runs on batteries, or for the young squire which cleanest thy cement pond, is to not treat her with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Lo, in all the places in which thee dwells and at all the times in which the Lord thy God allots your crippled butt to live, thou shalt show thy lady love.

This means that when thou sittest down to eat thou shalt not release thy fecal fumes. Unless of course, she does it first and bids thee to compete with her. Other than that, pinch it or excuse thyself to the land which is in back of the house in which thou liveth.

6. Thou shalt not speak down to her. Do not at any given time during the day in which God grants thee breath talkest thou to thy wife as if she is an ignorant and deaf dromedary. Yea, leave off being cruel if thou carest for the law of God, thy reproductive organs and if thou doesn't liketh thy coffee to strangely taste salty and if thou wishes to forego thy good lady lacing thy chocolate chip cookies with ExLax. Which leadeth me to the next decree.

7. Thou shalt cherish her. Thou shalt scrub from thy barely used brain the notion that tenderness is for wussies. Never taketh who she is and what she doeth for you and thy family for granted. Yea, the mother of thy offspring and the wife of thine youth is to be treated better than thy bass boat, West Coast Chopper and thy custom guns.

In addition, know this: the Lord thy God mandates that thou be courteous to thy mate, showing unto her gratitude and honor even when thou art so mad thou could spit.

8. Thou shalt give her time to chill. O man, that likest to sit back, relax and scratch thyself, guesseth what? So doth the woman. Therefore, relieve her of her duties and provide unto her the opportunity to do whatever the heck she wanteth to do. Thou diggest?

9. Thou shalt apologize when wrong, PDQ. If thou hast wronged thy wife, then thou shalt own it with sincerity and zeal. If not, the festering root of bitterness will develop and cleave thy union. In addition, thou mayest wake up with thy skivvies super-glued unto thy privy parts for being thou the stubborn unrepentant jackass. Selah.

10. Thou shalt cut off communication with and never talk about your old girlfriends. Art thou so thick that thou needeth God to explain this one further unto thee?

Blessed is the man that obeyeth what has been written right here by this mediocre scribe. Woe unto the husband who thinketh that he can blow off the above and not feel the Lord's deep displeasure--not to mention the woman He fashioned. Amen.

Doug Giles www.clashradio.com

MQ Edna · Sep 10, 2008

Why can't you get divorced? Do you live in an area where it's illegal? And why didn't you figure out what he was like before the THIRD child was born?

Ouch!! That was rather rude.

Sometimes we do not know what all is happening with someone. Maybe divorce isn't an option for one reason or another.

Pedi-Gree, BSN, RN · Sep 10, 2008

rph3664, I've given a lot of thought to what I would say in response to your attack on me and the choices I've made (and freely admit). I choose not to stoop to rudeness, and I choose not to provide any further details for your derision. Suffice it to say that there have been catastrophic events in our lives over which we had no control that have shaped our personalities and created the situation we now find ourselves addressing. These events did not precede the advent of our third child; the subsequent changes were insidious and not easily recognized until they were too ingrained to change. I cannot change the past, nor can I predict the future. For the present, I do what I do for my own reasons and am not looking for sympathy. I fix what I can, accept what I can't and am content to recognize the difference. And life goes on.

rn/writer, RN · Sep 10, 2008

Why can't you get divorced? Do you live in an area where it's illegal? And why didn't you figure out what he was like before the THIRD child was born?

So easy to pose intrusive questions and make insensitive comments from a relatively anonymous vantage point.

Didn't seem like this poster was asking for input on the decisions she has chosen to live with. Only offering a bit of empathy to the OP.

The last thing either of them needs is more guff.

I wish them both the best.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Sep 10, 2008

We were told the first day of nursing school, DO NOT make any big life altering decisions while in school.
steph

Yep, my instructors all said the same thing........"don't get married, don't buy a house, don't have a baby, and don't get divorced". Which is much easier said than done. My hubby and I came thisclose to splitting up midway through nursing school. I was mad at him because I was bored and restless; I didn't think he was pulling his own weight---we were on and off welfare, we had four young children who needed a lot of attention, and then I was trying to work part-time and go to school full-time.........oh, it was an awful phase of life.

Thankfully, we were so poor that we couldn't afford to maintain two separate households---we simply had no choice but to stay put and fight it out!:chuckle Ultimately, we worked through the resentments and discontent that had piled up in our marriage, and after I graduated, things got better quite dramatically; our finances improved, which relieved that source of stress, and we got some counseling. Now we've been married 28 years (as of the 27th of this month), and both of us are SO glad we didn't do anything hasty. But it took work, and compromise, and patience on both our parts.

Good luck to the OP..........it's tough going, but in the long run saving your marriage may well be worth it!