husbands that won't help

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OK, I am getting a divorce when I graduate nursing school. I have had it with not having help with the house and kids. While I am cleaning, he is on his butt playing video games. I work fulltime and go to school and do everything else. He is in school too, but it is nothing like nursing school and I am at the end of my program, he is just beginning. And to top it off, he is going to quit his job when I become a nurse because he said he can't go to school and work at the same time. I really hate him! :sniff:

Well, he probaly won't help with cleaning the house. We have had explosive arguments about the house, so my plan is I am going on strike. I am not washing his clothes, I am not cleaning the house except for loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. I am not cooking dinner. If everyone wants to live in a disaster then we will until I graduate. The only person I am taking care of in regards to feeding and washing clothes is the 12 year old because he is doing his part, but for the husband and the 17 year old almost turning 18 in a couple of weeks who does not go to school or work---THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN!

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Specializes in Clinical Risk Management.
Well, he probaly won't help with cleaning the house. We have had explosive arguments about the house, so my plan is I am going on strike. I am not washing his clothes, I am not cleaning the house except for loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. I am not cooking dinner. If everyone wants to live in a disaster then we will until I graduate. The only person I am taking care of in regards to feeding and washing clothes is the 12 year old because he is doing his part, but for the husband and the 17 year old almost turning 18 in a couple of weeks who does not go to school or work---THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN!

You have two children over the age of 10 plus a husband? Oh, my goodness!

Here's my take on the situation. I worked full-time while I was in nursing school. My ex worked out of the house. He did his own laundry & was responsible for his own breakfast & lunch - I'd placed frozen meals in the freezer that were prepared while I was on summer break & "only" working (I was bored?) - Anyhow, he didn't do anything else in the house. Didn't increase his participation after our daughter was born a few years later. As I understand, he's still helpless in the presence of a female. :down:

My life has changed dramatically since my ex & I split. I've remarried & my DH is very participatory. His level of participation with our preschooler as well as cooking & cleaning is a big component in my decision to start my MSN. He does laundry, his own ironing & sews on his own buttons!:yeah:

Spouses/partners, etc who can't look after themselves are overdue for a reality check. Do you have a separate checking account? It may be time to get one. This way, he won't have access to your earnings after you graduate. This may "encourage" him to continue working...unless he wants an "allowance" from you (which could be very interesting if you "worked" it right). The near-adult in your household should be more than capable of looking after him/herself as well. When I was that age, I was cooking dinner for our family of 6, doing my own laundry (plus my little brother's stuff) and looking after my 4 y/o brother while my parents worked. I have an 11 y/o who's being taught to do her own laundry. She should be able to handle it on her own in a year. She'd better be able to at least, 'cuz Mamma's not going to do it for her!

Can you "break" the gaming system? :chuckle It's a thought!

regards,

eltrip

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Hey eltrip! Where ya been? :D

I agree with your thoughts about kids and helping. My kids started doing their own laundry at about 12. I taught them earlier than that but gave them full responsibility about then. They also learned to cook and helped with dinner when I was in school. Of course, depending on the kid that might mean Kraft Mac and Cheese . . . .:eek:

One mistake many women (and men) make is they know ahead of time, prior to marriage, that their "soul mate" has little quirks. Like video gaming. Or being a messy housekeeper. Or drinking too much. Or using illegal drugs. And we marry them anyway, thinking they will change with marriage.:rolleyes:

And that is not smart.

I'd definitely look for different things for a soul mate (helps with housework, loves rolling on the floor with the kids, sewing on his own buttons) . . .. hot and sexy won't get you to 50 years of marriage.

steph

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I don't know how long you've been married, but it sounds to me like you need to be a little more direct. I, as a woman, think that everyone else should see the overflowing laundry basket and pitch in. That's what I would do, after all. But if I ask my husband to take care of it, he will. He just won't do it without prompting. Same with giving kids baths, etc. Plus, I try to ask before the "Exorcist" voice happens. It's just easier.

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You could go over and whisper in his ear "Honey, give me a little help with the dishes and I'll meet you in the bedroom and show you a good time".

Men respond to this. :coollook: And women end up getting their dishes done and their stress level reduced. Sex is good for that.

steph

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Specializes in Home Health.

From a male perspective: Laundry and cooking are not beneath a man. He should pitch in...or better yet, do it all. I mean he could put on a load of clothes and play the damn video game while he's waiting on them to finish the cycle. Hell, I do laundry and cook and go to school and I still find time to spend with my wife.

I would discuss it with him and if he refuses to shape up, file those papers stat.

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Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.
Well, he probaly won't help with cleaning the house. We have had explosive arguments about the house, so my plan is I am going on strike. I am not washing his clothes, I am not cleaning the house except for loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. I am not cooking dinner. If everyone wants to live in a disaster then we will until I graduate. The only person I am taking care of in regards to feeding and washing clothes is the 12 year old because he is doing his part, but for the husband and the 17 year old almost turning 18 in a couple of weeks who does not go to school or work---THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN!

I tried that when I was married, but it didn't work out for me. The house would be a complete pig sty, and I was the only one that cared. They couldn't care less how disgusting the house got, and would just live in it like that. Myself, I cannot tolerate living in a disgusting stink hole. And being the only one in the house who gives a rip only adds insult to injury. You'd think your partner in life would care enough about YOUR happiness to pitch in a little to make life nicer for you, but in the end, that is why he is my ex-husband now (and just for the record, folks, we worked on it for ten years, I compromised constantly but he would not bend, we did marriage counseling, and still no changes).

I hope it works out for you, though. Others have pointed out that nursing school is stressful and that many relationships suffer because of it, which is true. I would encourage you to work on it rather than throw in the towel. If he is willing to bend and compromise, give him credit for that.

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We were told the first day of nursing school, DO NOT make any big life altering decisions while in school.

steph

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Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel. Explain your feeling to him and listen how he feels. Maybe he really does not understand how stressful nursing school can be.

communication communication communication

Good luck on school and your marriage.

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Specializes in Peds.

This is a real sore spot with me. I've been married a really long time and have raised three kids to adulthood almost singlehandedly because hubby is too involved in his own pursuits. I've tried all the aforementioned tactics and nothing works. It's all about him all day everyday. I'm in a situation where divorce isn't an option so I've just sucked it all up. I've decided what it's important for me to do and what I'm just going to ignore. I don't ask for his input with anything anymore because I feel that if he can't help me do something, he doesn't get a vote. We've (I've) had about $60k worth of major upgrades done to our house and he didn't even want to see the kitchen plans when they were drawn up. Now when he makes comments about not liking the sink or where the dishwasher ended up, I remind him that he couldn't be bothered to look at the drawings. Oh, you don't like coral on the bathroom walls? Seems to me I was the one in the paint store and I was the one on the ladder and I was the one grouting the tiles, so go away!

Sorry, I wandered off topic a bit there. As someone who has not succeeded at getting my husband to help out, I can't offer any advice, but I can commiserate.

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i agree with those who say stress of nursing school has a lot to do with this,2/3 of my nursing class had divorced or separated by the end of senior year...of course some of it may have to do with knowing you can afford to support yourself and leave someone...but nursing school is more stressful even than army bootcamp...and i've been to both !

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I would not tolerate this human.

You go girl, and I mean go!

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