husbands that won't help

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OK, I am getting a divorce when I graduate nursing school. I have had it with not having help with the house and kids. While I am cleaning, he is on his butt playing video games. I work fulltime and go to school and do everything else. He is in school too, but it is nothing like nursing school and I am at the end of my program, he is just beginning. And to top it off, he is going to quit his job when I become a nurse because he said he can't go to school and work at the same time. I really hate him! :sniff:

Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

Divorce never works--before you realize you will with husband number 4 with tones of kids who have no firm foundation who will end up becoming just like their mother.

It worked for me! I couldn't be happier to be rid of the selfish SOB. And now, I have a wonderful partner who pulls more than his own weight, and does so happily. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life, and it would not have happened had I not ditched the albatross around my neck.

:smokin:

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

Wow - five pages of advice! Apparently this is a topic that hits close to home for many.

I hope the OP finds happiness with whatever decision they make.

Take care.

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Specializes in psych. rehab nursing, float pool.

It sounds like you have tried to talk to him about helping with the house more without sucess up to this point.Try a few couples sessions with either a professional, your pastor etc. If still no changes. Then you will at least have a clearer picture of what is important to you. I agree with others being a student is very hard on marriages. Some couples handle it well and others don't.You have not mentioned. Do you love him enough to accept him as he is warts, video games and all? If not , then I guess you have your answer.I wish I were in the position to expect someone to help,, My loved one had significant medical event this past year and continues to decline in many way. Between working 72 hours, and now taking on a prn position in addition to full responsiblity of house, yard etc.. heck.... hopefully working prn, will help me to then pay for someone to help me out at home , or with the yard. I love him enough to do this. ( p.s. housework never was his forte before this year)

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I guess I just don't see not helping with housework as a deal breaker - especially when there are kids involved.

My first marriage broke up over drugs, alcohol and other women. But it still left a hole in both the boys - they feel like their dad abandoned them. Even with a great step-dad who stepped in when they were very young and raised them well.

Before kids - it is easier to make a decision. After kids - if this is a housework and video game issue, I think it can be fixed with help.

My husband and I have weathered many storms over the 20 years we've been married - I'd give counseling a chance before you chuck it all.

(NancyNurse - not directing this at you at all - just the op).

steph

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Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

Everyone has to decide for themselves what they can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. For me, having a partner who was not an active participant in the household responsibilities was something that I could not tolerate. For others, that may not be the case. Everyone has to judge for themselves, and if remaining in a relationship like that is okay with someone else, I have no issue with it. It's their choice. I'm simply relaying my experience, in hopes that something of value can be taken from it.

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I would say that blatantly refusing to help w/kids or around the house - AFTER discussion/counseling - is a sign of a serious lack of respect for your spouse. My husband isn't great at volunteering to help, but he does anytime I ask. While annoying, he doesn't ignore messes on purpose. He just really doesn't see them, and I knew he was a slob going into the marriage. We basically know that (as soon as I start working again) having a cleaning service is up there with cable TV. We don't need it to live, but it's worth the investment more so than, say, eating lunches out or stopping at Starbucks in the mornings. I love to cook, so that's not a problem, and I let him handle all the grilling. We don't have kids yet - but he absolutely loves children and has some experience with his nieces. I don't think he'd think of caring for his children as a chore. Don't rush into divorce (just as you shouldn't rush into marriage) without having some long conversations about how you're feeling. Consider getting some counseling - it worked for my parents, even after my father moved out for 6 months. However, if his refusal to help out is based on lack of respect for you or for all women as human beings, counseling probably won't help. Only you know your own relationship, but don't make any life-altering decisions just because NS is stressing you out.

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My husband is clueless when it comes to knowing what needs to get done around the house. For the first 2 years of our marriage it was a constant arguement between us. We have come up with a solution.

1. We bought a dry erase board that sticks on the fridge with magnets. I write down everything that needs to be done the next day before I go to bed at night. He then works on those chores during commericals (he watches sports religiously) and during free time.

2. I cannot nag him that it isn't get done fast enough or to my liking. He doesn't organize my clothes the way I'd like, oh well. At least he put them away. He threw away left overs instead of refrigerating them? oh well, at least they didn't sit rotting on the counter. He does the big stuff, and I do detail work (He'll clear the counters, I disinfect them, He'll take out the trash and dirty laundry in the bathroom, I scrub it). It has made a huge difference in how we treat each other.

Maybe this will work for you?

BTW- since you have grown kids, they should have chores on the dry erase board too. and don't even think about doing their laundry. After a few days of wearing stinky clothes to school, they'll get off their bottoms and do it themselves!!

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Specializes in Med-Tele, Internal Med PCU.

I haven't read through all of the posts and hope I am not stepping on anyone's toes.

But it isn't only husbands, my wife of 21 years and I went through similar BS last semester. I am a full time student, not working at the time, doing the cooking 4-5 nights, and 75% of the cleaning and 100% of the outside work; while she is working the same schedule as the last 7 years and that wasn't enough ... it's a heck of a lot more than I did the 3 years prior to NS which tallied 0 cooking, 25% of cleaning and 100% of lawn and garden.

Now add the fuel that I am the only male in my class, going "out with the girls" to study, or socialize a day/night or two every couple weeks. The issue is that I have 2 really good buddies in the class, both single, and both fairly attractive. In 21 years I have never given a reason for jealousy, and have other female friends without causing marital stress. When this came to a head, it wasn't jealousy per se, my wife was feeling "out of the loop" and somewhat neglected.

We as nursing students are pooring our hearts and minds into the books, clinical, and general school stuff leaving very little left for the spouse and family. And much of what you wish to talk about isn't stuff they (and others) want to hear about or listen to. Generally, I want to point out that it's a 2 way street, your husband and son(s) may have similar feelings of neglect, and their behavior is their defense mechanism ... or maybe they decided to go on strike first. You are changing, doing new things, meeting new people, and the conversations have changed or been minimized.

The bottom line is you have to look at this situation calmly and objectively. I presume you and your husband have been together 17+ years, why the (relatively) sudden change of heart?

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Specializes in Acute Mental Health.

I have a sig other who claims to be supportive, but never seems to get home to take over so I can finish homework and get a decent nights rest. He's never around and his idea of helping clean the house is to get on the riding lawn mower and cut the grass. It takes him 2 hrs and it takes me 45 minutes. Go figure. The kids will walk by him to ask me for help or whatever else they need on the rare occasion he is home (and on his butt in his recliner). I too can't stand the sight of him any longer. Yet, other people tell me how wonderful he is to help out so I can go to school. He told me we can't buy a more reliable vehicle for another year to year and a half. I had to think about it for awhile, but then I realized that is when I'll graduate. He's already making plans for my pay checks!

I don't blame you one bit for feeling like getting rid of his lazy butt. Not one bit.

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Specializes in ER,ICU,L+D,OR.

I'm so glad I never got married. Listening to some you talk in here.

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There weren't very many married people in my pharmacy class, and there was one guy who got divorced. I had heard rumors that he had slept with a lot of the girls in our class (actually, he paid them to do things his wife wouldn't do) despite being a dead ringer for a famous actor - Chris Farley. :eek:

How did I find out he was getting divorced? One day before class started, I told a friend of mine that I am very unsympathetic regarding divorced men, that if he had treated his wife better, he would probably still be married to her. This guy dropped the ball, and I picked it up and ran with it, and just as class started, I said, "What about these guys whose wives won't let them see their kids? Who are they kidding? He probably never did anything for them when he lived with them, AND THEY HATE HIM ANYWAY!"

:yeah:

:rotfl:

:lol_hitti

I thought Mr. Butt Ugly Fatso was going to turn around and slug me. Oh, well. I should add that I found out later that his wife had alleged that he had sexually abused their daughter, and believe me, you had better not make allegations like that unless there's something to them.

It gets better.

They had that child when they were both 15 years old. He must have had older siblings who bought beer for him, that's the only explanation I could think of.

One of my classmates with whom he cavorted was a high school friend of my sister's who, along with this guy and the other girls involved, were unable to get jobs within about 100 miles of the town where I went to school because the guy's wife worked at the big university hospital. Not long ago, my mom saw this woman in the grocery store with her young son :imbar and I replied what kind of person I had gone to school with - without going into detail, explained that she had done some "bizarre and disgusting things."

If you want to know what this guy did, PM me.

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I have a sig other who claims to be supportive, but never seems to get home to take over so I can finish homework and get a decent nights rest. He's never around and his idea of helping clean the house is to get on the riding lawn mower and cut the grass. It takes him 2 hrs and it takes me 45 minutes. Go figure. The kids will walk by him to ask me for help or whatever else they need on the rare occasion he is home (and on his butt in his recliner). I too can't stand the sight of him any longer. Yet, other people tell me how wonderful he is to help out so I can go to school. He told me we can't buy a more reliable vehicle for another year to year and a half. I had to think about it for awhile, but then I realized that is when I'll graduate. He's already making plans for my pay checks!

I don't blame you one bit for feeling like getting rid of his lazy butt. Not one bit.

Is your husband (assuming you are married) the father of your children?

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