How Has Your Nursing Career Affected Your Relationships Or Other Aspects of Your Life?

[SilverBells]

I've been thinking lately about my nursing career and where things are going for me. Right now, I'm finishing up my Master's Degree and am being encouraged by others in my life to pursue a doctorate degree. The more I think about it, the more I'm interested.  

However, I also can't help but wonder how my focus on my career and schooling is impacting other areas of my life, such as home ownership and possible marriage and parenthood. While I have no doubt that I'll eventually be able to purchase some type of home that I can both reasonably afford and be satisfied with, I do question how much pursuing additional degrees or continuing my current career path may interfere with marrying or becoming a mother. Frankly, I want it all...education, career, marriage, and children. I'm just not convinced that all of that will end up working out.  

The other day, I saw that a former boyfriend of mine just became a father with another woman. His newborn son is absolutely adorable and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that this baby is not mine as well. We stopped dating about two years ago when I started pursuing my Master's Degree because I wanted to pursue further education at the time and he wanted to start a family right away. He didn't want to wait for me to finish schooling, and I wasn't sure how time consuming my degree would be. I can't help but feel some regret for my decision. Maybe if I would have held off on schooling or just put it aside together, I would be the mother of that baby, not another lady.  Maybe I'd be married by now. The breakup between my former boyfriend and I was mutual, but it still made me sad to see him with another woman.  I regret that I wasn't the person to give him what he wanted.  

The thing is, I'm intrigued by additional education. I absolutely love going to school and would probably go forever if I could. At the same time, I can't help but feel remorseful in regards to what this means for other aspects of my life. Because honestly, as a nurse manager, I work 16-20 hour shifts Monday through Friday, and on the weekends, I complete school work, so there's really not time for dating, marriage or babies. I just wonder how much I'm going to regret this lifestyle. I'm already 30 years old, so really only have about 5-10 more years where I would be able to have any biological children.   

But at the same time, do I hold off on education for a marriage that isn't in the nearby future and children that don't exist and may never exist? My schedule right now is actually perfect for continuing on from my master's to my doctorate. 

Has anyone else ever felt that their nursing career may be impacting other areas of their life? Any regrets? 

[Davey Do]

12 minutes ago, Hannahbanana said:

Dang psych nurses

I have not worked as a psych nurse for over a year now, with all due respect, Ms. HB.

I am a retired psych nurse, but much, much more an artist.

So, to correct you: "Dang" metaphysical new age nonsensical artist!

[SilverBells, BSN]

1 hour ago, brandy1017 said:

The fact that he is with a new partner and has a brand new baby and the fact that I am still single and childless speaks volumes about the person he is versus me.

Maybe you are right.  You chose to be single and get your Masters when he wanted to start a family.  Ironic now that he has a baby you want one, not just a baby, but his!

Another post you mentioned feeling proud when you are in a relationship, not love, that is telling too.  Because if you had truly loved him I don't think you would have let him go to jump start your career.

I doubt that you loved him then and definitely not now when you are angry at seeing your ex and his new family.  Why haven't you deleted him on facebook as others have suggested.  On top of it, seems that you have added his new girl friend to spy on facebook.

You are stalking them.  You are not the victim that you claim to be, helplessly being forced to see your ex and his family on facebook.  It is as simple as de-friending or blocking them.  

If your ex was clued in to your real feelings I'm sure he would block you. 

I probably misspoke when I wrote about feeling "proud" in a relationship.  We did love each other, but being in a relationship also made me feel better about myself.  All around me, family and friends were having substantial relationships, and I did feel special knowing that I was finally good enough for someone to date and consider marrying.  It was nice having someone special to talk about and do things with and for. Obviously, when we broke up,  all of those feelings went away.  I was back to being single again.  I no longer had anyone to spend time with, plan marriage and babies with or anything else and had to let people know it didn't work out.  Once again, I wasn't good enough.  

We didn't delete each other off facebook because it wasn't necessarily a bad break up.   There was no huge fight or anything like that, it was mostly a decision that things just weren't going anywhere anymore.   Obviously, one of us has struggled more with "just being friends."  I think we all know who that is.  We did stay in touch for awhile, chatting occasionally, but then communication stopped altogether.  I have a feeling at that point he was starting to see that other girl.   

I am also 100% confident that if roles were reversed (e.g. I was the one with the new partner and baby), he would be happy for me and there wouldn't be any difficulties with maintaining a friendship.  That is just the kind of person he is.  I've always had a tendency to be jealous, so for me, things like that are harder.   

I've put off defriending/blocking him because I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.  I didn't want to remove all contact forever, because we were pretty good friends before we dated.  I only wanted to do that as a last resort, but now I'm wondering if it would be for everyone's best interest, at least until I've moved on myself.   The fact that I've occasionally thought we might have gotten back together suggests otherwise (I think I've still secretly thought he would be a good partner), along with the fact that an innocent new baby has caused me so much stress.  I also need to consider that he did not personally reach out to me to let me know of his new baby coming; I only knew because of my facebook feed.  I think he probably knew how I'd react, and probably wanted to avoid starting anything.  I don't know--on one hand, I don't want to cut off ties with someone that I've known for years and that hasn't actually done anything wrong.  On the other hand, seeing the new baby is a form of mental anguish/torment for myself so maybe I'm not at the point I can be a good friend.  

 

[SilverBells, BSN]

2 hours ago, brandy1017 said:

Instead you've shared your feelings with us, letting us know your lack of empathy toward your ex, his child, his family and your coworkers.  You don't love him.  You don't even want him to be happy!  You want to get back together so you can be a winner!  Do you hear yourself!  I don't even have words. 

I'm actually started to be afraid for your ex and his family.  You sound very narcissistic and antisocial, without feelings or regards for others.  I hope someone warns your ex about your obsessive stalking and anger issues!

I just read that you picked up a shift where he works, apparently hoping to see him there.  That is really stalking behavior.  How do you think he will respond when he finds out.  I expect it will be a disaster. 

Please stop the stalking.  Stop thinking only about yourself!  He has a new family.  Let him go!

Now is the perfect time to move somewhere new, a different part of the country, put some distance between you and him.  Find a different job where you might be happier.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I don't want him to be happy; I just had hoped it would be with me.  It's sad to know that I wasn't a source of happiness for him.  I've mentioned before, I think, that I'd always secretly thought we would get back together as I did think he would make a good partner.  And he would be, it's just that someone else found that out first.  So I do feel at the short end of the stick.  However, it's my own fault.  I chose to further my education; I must live with that decision and the consequences associated with it.   He chose to pursue another lady who was ready to have a family, so I need to accept and respect that. 

With that said, I did not pick up the shift at my other job to see him.  I picked it up because I am supplemental,  haven't worked for them in awhile and enjoy the job.  If anything, I was relieved that he was gone for the day.  I wouldn't have known how to approach him, really.  Would I have said hello, congratulated him on the baby, chatted as if nothing have changed or not said anything altogether? I don't know.  We would have been polite, for sure, but would it have been awkward?  Hard to say.  I'm sure he would have been fine, but I probably would have struggled more with the encounter.   I have to imagine he probably would have greeted me as any other coworker, all the while feeling relieved knowing he doesn't have to see me every day anymore.   I will say that it's probably in everyone's best interest for me to not pick up shifts there anymore, or if I do, make sure it is a shift where we will not encounter each other.  

[Lunah, MSN, RN]

Girl. Let it go, and now. He had no obligation to notify you about his impending fatherhood. You have a tendency to form unhealthy attachments and to place far too much significance on the relationship. Look, if he wanted to have a family with you, he would not have let school get in the way. You are your own person with your own worth; please learn to love yourself. 

I finished my last MSN at age 44 and had a baby at 45. Natural pregnancy, no fertility measures. I don't recommended waiting 15 years, but you still have time. 

I wish you all the best! I do have it all, I think, but not all at the same time, and it took a lot of hard work and patience to get here! 

[Davey Do]

20 hours ago, SilverBells said:

 There was no huge fight or anything like that, it was mostly a decision that things just weren't going anywhere anymore.   Obviously, one of us has struggled more with "just being friends."

I reconnected with my high school sweetie, Racol, last Summer. We had not spoken since her father's funeral in 2000.

Racol seriously started talking about getting married and having children when we were about 20 years old. The thought of getting married and starting a family gave me cold sweats. So basically, I sabotaged the relationship and we broke up. That was 1978.

We dated off and on until the Winter of '81, that I spent in a cabin. Racol telephoned me one night and told me she wanted to focus her energies on this fella. Like you, SilverBells, Racol felt "that things just weren't going anywhere anymore".

We remained friendly, and I attended both of her parents' funerals, but then, Racol just dropped off the map.

Racol divorced her husband after about 12 years, aroundabout 1994, and raised her two daughters, never remarrying.

Reconnecting with Racol proved to both of us that our marital/family relationship was not meant to be. It was much more difficult for her, as she was hellbent on bearing children. Racol eventually found someone who was amiable to the idea. But that didn't work out.

Basically, I'm saying that if it's meant to be, it will. If it's not, it won't.

[Hoosier_RN, MSN]

2 hours ago, Davey Do said:

With all due love & respect SilverBells, I don't think people could think any more poorly of you than some of the members here do.

Not me, of course.

I think you're very interesting, in a distal convoluted tubules of the nephrons sort of way.

Please, don't insult kidneys that way. They have "fillings", too ?

[LibraNurse27, BSN, RN]

Talking about obsessively looking at pictures of your ex and his wife and baby made me think of the movie Fatal Attraction. That movie scared me SO bad for some reason. Once when I kept looking at someone's facebook I deleted the app from my phone and I found I never made the effort to go to facebook on the computer. Maybe delete the app for a while or deactivate your FB until you feel more stable. Deactivating isn't the same as deleting. When you re-activate it all your pictures and friends will still be there.

There are studies that show social media can worsen depression/anxiety/self esteem. Remember that people only post the best version of themselves/their lives on social media, so it's not productive or healthy to compare yourself to people's social media personas. For example, my facebook shows my wedding, my friends and I on the covid unit smiling (which was rare!) wearing tight Figs scrubs, my family, kittens... not my trips to the emergency psych clinic. LOL 

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

SilverBells all your comments show that you are not in the right headspace to be a mother now.  It is not the right time and he is not the right person for you.  Please let him go for everyone's sake.

[Hannahbanana, BSN, MSN]

17 hours ago, Davey Do said:

 

17 hours ago, Hannahbanana said:

Dang psych nurses

I have not worked as a psych nurse for over a year now, with all due respect, Ms. HB.

I am a retired psych nurse, but much, much more an artist.

So, to correct you: "Dang" metaphysical new age nonsensical artist!

 

Aw, heck, once a nurse, always a nurse. Especially them crazy psych ones. 
 

::kissy::

[Closed Account 12345]

On 3/3/2021 at 7:51 AM, SilverBells said:

I've thought about adding her on facebook and LinkedIn to find out more.  We don't have any other mutual friends so I can't figure out where they met.  With that said, adding her probably could be consider stalking,  especially if she asks my ex who I am

There are a lot of disturbed thought processes on this thread, but this one is particularly bothersome.

You *are* stalking her. You've deemed her the "winner." You know extensive details of her personal life that you have no reason to know. You've assumed that because she's worked in different nursing roles than you that she's a superior nurse and human being. You've putting her on a bizarre pedestal of unhealthy jealousy, and you're using her as the standard by which you're judging yourself. You're considering planning key aspects of your future based on how they'll compare to her even though she's a total stranger. Now you are trying to figure out how you can find out more and get closer without her knowing who you are. 

Let me just say - STOP. You want a quick way to lose your license and waste your education? Get caught stalking someone. It isn't normal. It isn't safe. It concerns me about your ability to think rationally (an essential nursing skill).

I imagine a lot of us have casually looked up an ex on social media before to see where life led them and what they're up to now. That's pretty common. I have. I usually think "Aw, cute family, good job, happy for you, but I sure am glad we didn't stay together." That's not what you're describing. You are describing a whole different level of obsession, and frankly, it's creepy.  If I knew one of my husband's ex girlfriends was obsessed with me, could rattle off my biography to strangers on an internet forum, thought she should've had his babies instead of me, and was trying to get closer to creep on me without being caught, I'd  find it very disturbing.  Honestly, I think you're entering restraining order zone, and that doesn't look good to BONs.

You don't know that she's a "better" nurse.  She could be a crap nurse.  Working in PP or having an MSN doesn't make someone an automatic rockstar. She clearly *does* have better personal boundaries and a better work-life balance.  It sounds like you have minimal to no work boundaries, despite repeated posts of people offering you good advice on boundary setting. 

You don't know that she's a magical unicorn princess. She could be really rude with no sense of humor.  She could be a bad mom.  She could be a super cool lady who is kind to everyone, smart, funny, beautiful... It really doesn't  matter. Social media does NOT give a complete or accurate picture of someone's life.  

Because you struggle so much with physically leaving work, I think you should seek a position with very defined work hours, like a 9-5 clinic.  I also think that it would be helpful to find a non-leadership position in a job with very defined role. Complete your daily assignments, and then leave.

Please, as others have advised, seek out a psychiatrist and more counseling. Exercise and eat well. Find a hobby or two that has nothing to do with nursing, school, or keeping up with the Joneses- something you can do regularly that makes you feel good.  Don't consider pursuing another degree OR having a baby until you are mentally in a better place with boundaries,  coping skills, life goals, etc.  Leave your ex boyfriend AND his new girlfriend/wife in the past; don't even look them up online. 

 

 

 

[Closed Account 12345]

19 hours ago, SilverBells said:

I've put off defriending/blocking him because I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.  I didn't want to remove all contact forever, because we were pretty good friends before we dated.  I only wanted to do that as a last resort, but now I'm wondering if it would be for everyone's best interest, at least until I've moved on myself.   The fact that I've occasionally thought we might have gotten back together suggests otherwise (I think I've still secretly thought he would be a good partner), along with the fact that an innocent new baby has caused me so much stress.  I also need to consider that he did not personally reach out to me to let me know of his new baby coming; I only knew because of my facebook feed.  I think he probably knew how I'd react, and probably wanted to avoid starting anything.  I don't know--on one hand, I don't want to cut off ties with someone that I've known for years and that hasn't actually done anything wrong.  On the other hand, seeing the new baby is a form of mental anguish/torment for myself so maybe I'm not at the point I can be a good friend.  

 

I think this is one more response that shows a disconnect with reality.

Being someone's friend and being someone's facebook "friend" are not synonymous.

If you don't have ongoing two-way communications, he didn't personally share with you that he was having a baby, you didn't personally congratulate him on said baby (and mean it), and you have to wonder how he would've reacted to seeing you when you picked up a shift at his place of employment, you simply aren't friends.  Friends make each other aware of major life events, and they talk about and celebrate them together. Friends know how the other person will respond if they see each other somewhere unexpectedly. Therefore, removing him from facebook doesn't make you a bad friend. 

You're not "cutting ties" with him by removing him from your facebook.  Ties were cut two years ago when y'all broke up, stopped hanging out, stopped communicating, and then he entered a new relationship and got another woman pregnant. 

There is no "maybe" to your point that perhaps you can't be a good friend right now. You are *literally* stalking him and his partner and resenting his baby.  The level of disdain and unfounded hatred you've shown towards his new partner have made several of us say we fear for her safety. You 100% are not being a good friend. 

For his safety, and hers, and their baby's, remove him from all social media. I like another poster's suggestion that you move somewhere for a fresh start with big physical distance between you and the ex. It makes me less concerned for his family's well-being.  

And seriously, please, if you find yourself thinking of ways you would like to harm this poor woman or how you can weasel into her spot to replace her, please call 911 and get emergency help before you do something that can't be undone.  

[SmilingBluEyes]

On 3/23/2021 at 4:56 PM, SilverBells said:

I probably misspoke when I wrote about feeling "proud" in a relationship.  We did love each other, but being in a relationship also made me feel better about myself.  All around me, family and friends were having substantial relationships, and I did feel special knowing that I was finally good enough for someone to date and consider marrying.  It was nice having someone special to talk about and do things with and for. Obviously, when we broke up,  all of those feelings went away.  I was back to being single again.  I no longer had anyone to spend time with, plan marriage and babies with or anything else and had to let people know it didn't work out.  Once again, I wasn't good enough.  

We didn't delete each other off facebook because it wasn't necessarily a bad break up.   There was no huge fight or anything like that, it was mostly a decision that things just weren't going anywhere anymore.   Obviously, one of us has struggled more with "just being friends."  I think we all know who that is.  We did stay in touch for awhile, chatting occasionally, but then communication stopped altogether.  I have a feeling at that point he was starting to see that other girl.   

I am also 100% confident that if roles were reversed (e.g. I was the one with the new partner and baby), he would be happy for me and there wouldn't be any difficulties with maintaining a friendship.  That is just the kind of person he is.  I've always had a tendency to be jealous, so for me, things like that are harder.   

I've put off defriending/blocking him because I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.  I didn't want to remove all contact forever, because we were pretty good friends before we dated.  I only wanted to do that as a last resort, but now I'm wondering if it would be for everyone's best interest, at least until I've moved on myself.   The fact that I've occasionally thought we might have gotten back together suggests otherwise (I think I've still secretly thought he would be a good partner), along with the fact that an innocent new baby has caused me so much stress.  I also need to consider that he did not personally reach out to me to let me know of his new baby coming; I only knew because of my facebook feed.  I think he probably knew how I'd react, and probably wanted to avoid starting anything.  I don't know--on one hand, I don't want to cut off ties with someone that I've known for years and that hasn't actually done anything wrong.  On the other hand, seeing the new baby is a form of mental anguish/torment for myself so maybe I'm not at the point I can be a good friend.  

 

 Please for your own sake, delete all social media contact,  and move on. Time to get on with your life. Enjoy it. I implore you, please seek therapy.  You are miserable.

I hope you are feeling better soon.