I've been thinking lately about my nursing career and where things are going for me. Right now, I'm finishing up my Master's Degree and am being encouraged by others in my life to pursue a doctorate degree. The more I think about it, the more I'm interested.
However, I also can't help but wonder how my focus on my career and schooling is impacting other areas of my life, such as home ownership and possible marriage and parenthood. While I have no doubt that I'll eventually be able to purchase some type of home that I can both reasonably afford and be satisfied with, I do question how much pursuing additional degrees or continuing my current career path may interfere with marrying or becoming a mother. Frankly, I want it all...education, career, marriage, and children. I'm just not convinced that all of that will end up working out.
The other day, I saw that a former boyfriend of mine just became a father with another woman. His newborn son is absolutely adorable and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that this baby is not mine as well. We stopped dating about two years ago when I started pursuing my Master's Degree because I wanted to pursue further education at the time and he wanted to start a family right away. He didn't want to wait for me to finish schooling, and I wasn't sure how time consuming my degree would be. I can't help but feel some regret for my decision. Maybe if I would have held off on schooling or just put it aside together, I would be the mother of that baby, not another lady. Maybe I'd be married by now. The breakup between my former boyfriend and I was mutual, but it still made me sad to see him with another woman. I regret that I wasn't the person to give him what he wanted.
The thing is, I'm intrigued by additional education. I absolutely love going to school and would probably go forever if I could. At the same time, I can't help but feel remorseful in regards to what this means for other aspects of my life. Because honestly, as a nurse manager, I work 16-20 hour shifts Monday through Friday, and on the weekends, I complete school work, so there's really not time for dating, marriage or babies. I just wonder how much I'm going to regret this lifestyle. I'm already 30 years old, so really only have about 5-10 more years where I would be able to have any biological children.
But at the same time, do I hold off on education for a marriage that isn't in the nearby future and children that don't exist and may never exist? My schedule right now is actually perfect for continuing on from my master's to my doctorate.
Has anyone else ever felt that their nursing career may be impacting other areas of their life? Any regrets?
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
On 3/23/2021 at 12:14 PM, SilverBells said:
Yesterday, I picked up a shift at my secondary job where my ex and I used to work together. For the most part, coworkers didn't bring him up with me and he wasn't working yesterday, so I didn't have to see him in person. For the most part, it seemed as if coworkers focused on seeing me after me being gone so long and didn't seem to have incentive to bring my ex and I up as a former couple. However, I did have one coworker ask me if I knew he'd had a little one. I responded that I did and we kept the conversation short, switching to a different topic altogether. I don't know why, because even though I already knew he was a father, it made me sad to hear about it. Apparently coworkers had gotten excited for him, bringing the baby new gifts and creating a celebratory board for being a first-time dad.
In conversation, I did try and pretend to be happy for him. This didn't make me any happier, though. If anything, it made me sad to think that his precious baby is someone else's child and I had nothing to do with bringing this adorable baby into the world. With that said, it's my fault this even happened. For a while, I had thought about reaching out to him again about getting back together, but for some reason, I always hesitated. Thus, I gave him too much open time to have a baby with someone else. I also worked too many hours as a nurse to make things work, so that is also my fault.Now, he is a father and is with a lady whom you could consider to be "SilverBells x 10." She has similarities to me, but is 10x better. He gets to look forward to going home to an adorable baby, whereas all I get to look forward to is working with older adults and their families who spend most of their days filing grievance forms and expressing very little appreciation for anything staff does for them.
You constantly compare yourself to others. Please get help with this. It's a terrible way to live. He's moved on. Accept it. You need to do so, too. The more I read of what you post, the more I hope you don't become a mother any time soon. You lack the self-reflection and maturity to handle it. I am sorry, but I feel strongly on this.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
On 3/23/2021 at 12:31 PM, SilverBells said:
Maybe. Nothing will change the fact that I'm not the mother of this baby, so I cannot be helped this way. Usually, babies are a source of happiness for people. However, this little one has caused me nothing but distress ever since I found out about his birth. If anything, this baby is representative of yet another area of life I have failed in.
Wish he was mine. My mom sent me the Pic. She knows that I am nuts about cats and dogs especially cats though. I love their independence. I have a white female with black feet called Socks. She's really possessive. Tries to kick all my dalliances out of bed. She braces her front paws against me and then tries to push them out. She's a very naughty cat who doesn't listen to anything I ask of her.
You constantly compare yourself to others. Please get help with this. It's a terrible way to live. He's moved on. Accept it. You need to do so, too. The more I read of what you post, the more I hope you don't become a mother any time soon. You lack the self-reflection and maturity to handle it. I am sorry, but I feel strongly on this.
If it helps to hear, I can assure you that motherhood is not even close in my near future. Sadly, it may be something I never experience. Yes, I know you mentioned avoiding comparisons, but it really is a struggle watching others have beautiful babies, knowing I might never do the same. Although I can understand why you might think parenthood might not be right for me at this point in time --unfortunately, you're probably right--being single and childless would still be a grave disappointment
On 3/24/2021 at 2:28 PM, Closed Account 12345 said:
I think this is one more response that shows a disconnect with reality.
Being someone's friend and being someone's facebook "friend" are not synonymous.
If you don't have ongoing two-way communications, he didn't personally share with you that he was having a baby, you didn't personally congratulate him on said baby (and mean it), and you have to wonder how he would've reacted to seeing you when you picked up a shift at his place of employment, you simply aren't friends. Friends make each other aware of major life events, and they talk about and celebrate them together. Friends know how the other person will respond if they see each other somewhere unexpectedly. Therefore, removing him from facebook doesn't make you a bad friend.
You're not "cutting ties" with him by removing him from your facebook. Ties were cut two years ago when y'all broke up, stopped hanging out, stopped communicating, and then he entered a new relationship and got another woman pregnant.
There is no "maybe" to your point that perhaps you can't be a good friend right now. You are *literally* stalking him and his partner and resenting his baby. The level of disdain and unfounded hatred you've shown towards his new partner have made several of us say we fear for her safety. You 100% are not being a good friend.
For his safety, and hers, and their baby's, remove him from all social media. I like another poster's suggestion that you move somewhere for a fresh start with big physical distance between you and the ex. It makes me less concerned for his family's well-being.
And seriously, please, if you find yourself thinking of ways you would like to harm this poor woman or how you can weasel into her spot to replace her, please call 911 and get emergency help before you do something that can't be undone.
FYI: All three of them will be fine and likely happier than myself. Anyway, I have no intention of directly contacting any of them, for this would do no good. For him, I'm irrelevant. To her, she doesn't even know I exist.
Silverbells I'm curious what your therapist says about your complaints, self pity and constantly comparing yourself negatively toward others? What does your therapist advise you to do? What has she/he said about your obsession with your ex and his new family.
We are not experts. Many have tried to help with advice, but we are not trained as therapists. I'm posting a couple articles with advice to help turn your thinking around, but you definitely need professional help, far beyond what any of us can give you here.
You've told us all about your problems, but never mentioned what your therapist's suggestions were. Please tell us about that and maybe by writing it down it will help you incorporate the therapist's suggestions to improve your life.
Silverbells I'm curious what your therapist says about your complaints, self pity and constantly comparing yourself negatively toward others? What does your therapist advise you to do? What has she/he said about your obsession with your ex and his new family.
We are not experts. Many have tried to help with advice, but we are not trained as therapists. I'm posting a couple articles with advice to help turn your thinking around, but you definitely need professional help, far beyond what any of us can give you here.
You've told us all about your problems, but never mentioned what your therapist's suggestions were. Please tell us about that and maybe by writing it down it will help you incorporate the therapist's suggestions to improve your life.
Thanks for the articles. I realize there is not much anyone online can do. Anyway, No suggestions from therapist yet as she isn’t aware of any of these issues and no open appointments until the end of April. I do have a few people that can make sure things stay stable/under control until then. I have a lot to think about, but getting married, having a baby or buying a large house aren’t (or shouldn’t be) among any of them. My first, I think, needs to be getting my work schedule under control.
Specializes in OR, Nursing Professional Development.
5 hours ago, SilverBells said:
Anyway, No suggestions from therapist yet as she isn’t aware of any of these issues
I would suggest you show your therapist what you’ve been posting here. And there is nothing wrong with seeking another if you can’t get an appointment.
SmilingBluEyes
20,964 Posts
You constantly compare yourself to others. Please get help with this. It's a terrible way to live. He's moved on. Accept it. You need to do so, too. The more I read of what you post, the more I hope you don't become a mother any time soon. You lack the self-reflection and maturity to handle it. I am sorry, but I feel strongly on this.