How Has Your Nursing Career Affected Your Relationships Or Other Aspects of Your Life?

TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN · Mar 4, 2021

18 hours ago, SilverBells said:

One thing I just learned is that my former boyfriend had actually been married before. 2 years of dating and he never mentioned this once. It does make me wonder what else he didn't share. With that said, it does make me wonder what made this new girl the winner, in that she was the one he became a parent with. I've thought about adding her on facebook and LinkedIn to find out more. We don't have any other mutual friends so I can't figure out where they met. With that said, adding her probably could be consider stalking, especially if she asks my ex who I am, so wouldn't put me in a positive light. I just really want to know what made him choose her over me, what she has that I don't, and what has made her a more successful nurse than me(as evidenced by her numerous positions)

I can understand the temptation to snoop further at his girl but nothing positive will come of it. Any perceived successes she has posted will just lead you to continue to compare yourself and wonder what your deficiencies are. I understand the grief and anguish that can come with the end of a relationship and how it can rear its head even after a significant amount of time has past but allowing that anguish to effect your self esteem and life decisions isn't helpful.

I think that your thought processes are being heavily influenced by the fact that you have a significant amount of work related stress as well as very poor sleep patterns, and that can certainly effect your ability to see things objectively. Maybe that's why you're feeling less than when compared to this girl.

I think you have some major decisions to make in your life because it really sounds like you're stretched too thin; trying to be super nurse at work, working crazy hours, getting calls and texts all hours of the day and night, school, and then in the time you have left you're dwelling on this relationship that is over. Maybe seeing a therapist would just let you get a handle on things and add some perspective. If you don't have time during the day there are a LOT of online services that have availability almost 24/7. There are a couple where you can even communicate with a therapist via correspondence which since you're a very effective writer may be an option that would be better than nothing.

SilverBells, BSN · Mar 7, 2021

Thinking about things, I do believe my nursing career has impacted other areas of my life. I am convinced that me working all the time did contribute to the end of my previous relationship, as my former boyfriend cited not seeing each other enough as a reason for "just being friends." My focus on progressing through my nursing career and then becoming frustrated when I was not advancing was, I believe, a source of our relationship becoming stagnant. At the same time, he wasn't as open as I would have liked in a partner. It took me two years after we stopped dating to learn that he had been previously married. Two years of dating and we had talked about marrying, and he never once mentioned that he had divorced or that I wouldn't be his first wife. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I would think that mentioning that one had been divorced would have come up in conversation, especially with someone he supposedly was considering marrying. The fact that he wasn't honest about his previous relationships seems like a red flag to me. He also wasn't motivated to advance his career, so most of the bills would have fallen on me, I think. In other words, we both made mistakes and/or were lacking in areas.

As for this other girl, there is no way to know what he found appealing about her other than she is closer in age, doesn't seem to be looking to make any more career changes and is likely more ready to "settle down." It probably helps that she was willing to have a child with someone that she isn't married to. As I've mentioned, I'd love to have babies. However, having them with someone who hasn't also committed to marriage is not appealing to me as I'd like to avoid being a single mother if at all possible.

So yes, I do believe my nursing career ended this relationship. But it's possible it wasn't much of one to begin with.

TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN · Mar 8, 2021

1 hour ago, SilverBells said:

Thinking about things, I do believe my nursing career has impacted other areas of my life. I am convinced that me working all the time did contribute to the end of my previous relationship, as my former boyfriend cited not seeing each other enough as a reason for "just being friends." My focus on progressing through my nursing career and then becoming frustrated when I was not advancing was, I believe, a source of our relationship becoming stagnant. At the same time, he wasn't as open as I would have liked in a partner. It took me two years after we stopped dating to learn that he had been previously married. Two years of dating and we had talked about marrying, and he never once mentioned that he had divorced or that I wouldn't be his first wife. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I would think that mentioning that one had been divorced would have come up in conversation, especially with someone he supposedly was considering marrying. The fact that he wasn't honest about his previous relationships seems like a red flag to me. He also wasn't motivated to advance his career, so most of the bills would have fallen on me, I think. In other words, we both made mistakes and/or were lacking in areas.

As for this other girl, there is no way to know what he found appealing about her other than she is closer in age, doesn't seem to be looking to make any more career changes and is likely more ready to "settle down." It probably helps that she was willing to have a child with someone that she isn't married to. As I've mentioned, I'd love to have babies. However, having them with someone who hasn't also committed to marriage is not appealing to me as I'd like to avoid being a single mother if at all possible.

So yes, I do believe my nursing career ended this relationship. But it's possible it wasn't much of one to begin with.

I think it's unusual to be so wrapped up in this relationship when it ended 2 years ago. Should he have been up front about being married? Yeah, he probably should have, but people keep secrets and it truly takes years of being with someone before really "knowing" them and even then you NEVER truly "know" somebody. But, isn't that water under the bridge? What's it matter now, it's over and he's getting married to someone else.

It's one thing to reflect on our past relationships in order to learn and grow, but just from the window we get to peer through on this forum it seems as though you engrossed in this instead, which is neither helpful or healthy.

SilverBells, BSN · Mar 8, 2021

1 minute ago, TheMoonisMyLantern said:

I think it's unusual to be so wrapped up in this relationship when it ended 2 years ago. Should he have been up front about being married? Yeah, he probably should have, but people keep secrets and it truly takes years of being with someone before really "knowing" them and even then you NEVER truly "know" somebody. But, isn't that water under the bridge? What's it matter now, it's over and he's getting married to someone else.

It's one thing to reflect on our past relationships in order to learn and grow, but just from the window we get to peer through on this forum it seems as though you engrossed in this instead, which is neither helpful or healthy.

Valid points. With that said, I don't know if he will actually marry this girl or not. I know they have a son together (obviously), but they aren't married and it isn't known if they are even engaged or how strong of a relationship they have. With that said, 2 years ago was long enough that it should not matter what he is doing anymore. He clearly does not think of me, so there's no need for me to be concerned with what he is up to. I've tried unfollowing him on facebook, but that hasn't worked too well, so maybe unfriending him or blocking him (and his new significant other, whether she is a girlfriend, fiance or just the mother of his son) would be the best thing. It's apparent he would likely not notice, or if he did, not care.

Davey Do · Mar 11, 2021

Well, SilverBells, I'm impressed by your time management abilities, to be able to work as many hours as you do and spend all this time on allnurses replying in great depth and detail to your numerous threads!

Tweety, BSN, RN · Mar 11, 2021

On 3/2/2021 at 7:08 PM, SilverBells said:

Part of my problem is probably I'd halfway secretly thought we might get back together. This other, better nurse (who, despite her successes, likely doesn't constantly work 16+ hour shifts) has made it so that's no longer an option. I mean, they have a son together now.

Totally understandable.

If he so easily broke up with you and found another woman to have a child with so soon, he wasn't "the one".

When the time is right, like all mothers with jobs, you will put your child first and be able to work around it but not 16 hour days.

I would also agree that getting your educational and professional goals out of the way before starting a family would be a good idea.

SilverBells, BSN · Mar 23, 2021

Yesterday, I picked up a shift at my secondary job where my ex and I used to work together. For the most part, coworkers didn't bring him up with me and he wasn't working yesterday, so I didn't have to see him in person. For the most part, it seemed as if coworkers focused on seeing me after me being gone so long and didn't seem to have incentive to bring my ex and I up as a former couple. However, I did have one coworker ask me if I knew he'd had a little one. I responded that I did and we kept the conversation short, switching to a different topic altogether. I don't know why, because even though I already knew he was a father, it made me sad to hear about it. Apparently coworkers had gotten excited for him, bringing the baby new gifts and creating a celebratory board for being a first-time dad.

In conversation, I did try and pretend to be happy for him. This didn't make me any happier, though. If anything, it made me sad to think that his precious baby is someone else's child and I had nothing to do with bringing this adorable baby into the world. With that said, it's my fault this even happened. For a while, I had thought about reaching out to him again about getting back together, but for some reason, I always hesitated. Thus, I gave him too much open time to have a baby with someone else. I also worked too many hours as a nurse to make things work, so that is also my fault. Now, he is a father and is with a lady whom you could consider to be "SilverBells x 10." She has similarities to me, but is 10x better. He gets to look forward to going home to an adorable baby, whereas all I get to look forward to is working with older adults and their families who spend most of their days filing grievance forms and expressing very little appreciation for anything staff does for them.

JadedCPN, BSN, RN · Mar 23, 2021

2 minutes ago, SilverBells said:

Yesterday, I picked up a shift at my secondary job where my ex and I used to work together. For the most part, coworkers didn't bring him up with me and he wasn't working yesterday, so I didn't have to see him in person. For the most part, it seemed as if coworkers focused on seeing me after me being gone so long and didn't seem to have incentive to bring my ex and I up as a former couple. However, I did have one coworker ask me if I knew he'd had a little one. I responded that I did and we kept the conversation short, switching to a different topic altogether. I don't know why, because even though I already knew he was a father, it made me sad to hear about it. Apparently coworkers had gotten excited for him, bringing the baby new gifts and creating a celebratory board for being a first-time dad.

In conversation, I did try and pretend to be happy for him. This didn't make me any happier, though. If anything, it made me sad to think that his precious baby is someone else's child and I had nothing to do with bringing this adorable baby into the world. With that said, it's my fault this even happened. For a while, I had thought about reaching out to him again about getting back together, but for some reason, I always hesitated. Thus, I gave him too much open time to have a baby with someone else. I also worked too many hours as a nurse to make things work, so that is also my fault. Now, he is a father and is with a lady whom you could consider to be "SilverBells x 10." She has similarities to me, but is 10x better. He gets to look forward to going home to an adorable baby, whereas all I get to look forward to is working with older adults and their families who spend most of their days filing grievance forms and expressing very little appreciation for anything staff does for them.

You need help. Seriously. For your sake and those around you.

SilverBells, BSN · Mar 23, 2021

9 minutes ago, JadedCPN said:

You need help. Seriously. For your sake and those around you.

Maybe. Nothing will change the fact that I'm not the mother of this baby, so I cannot be helped this way. Usually, babies are a source of happiness for people. However, this little one has caused me nothing but distress ever since I found out about his birth. If anything, this baby is representative of yet another area of life I have failed in.

Davey Do · Mar 23, 2021

1 hour ago, JadedCPN said:

You need help. Seriously.

1 hour ago, SilverBells said:

Maybe.

And, maybe not.

1 hour ago, SilverBells said:

If anything, this baby is representative of yet another area of life I have failed in.

After my first divorce, I was dating a student in the same nursing program that I was in. After we broke up, she got impregnated by the next guy she dated.

I had a vasectomy before I got married the first time.

One person's failure is another's success.

Kitiger, RN · Mar 23, 2021

1 hour ago, SilverBells said:

Maybe. Nothing will change the fact that I'm not the mother of this baby, so I cannot be helped this way. Usually, babies are a source of happiness for people. However, this little one has caused me nothing but distress ever since I found out about his birth. If anything, this baby is representative of yet another area of life I have failed in.

I understand the way seeing a baby can cause sadness. In my case, the problem was not a break-up; I simply have never been able to get pregnant. Neither my husband nor I are sterile, so there was always that hope. Then - every month - a huge reminder that there is no baby growing in me. ???

It took a lot of time, but we are now both happy as DINKS. ?

SilverBells, BSN · Mar 23, 2021

Wondering how long it takes to get over seeing other peoples' babies without feeling sad and/or even angry?

My ex's baby is 2 months old and I'm still upset about it. I've spent all day looking at pictures of this beautiful baby. He's absolutely adorable, from his big, bright eyes to his small, active tongue to the fact that he's the size of a baby doll. I'm sad that this didn't happen when we were dating. I'm also angry that another lady is this baby's mother versus myself. Although I'm not angry that people are congratulating my ex and telling him what a wonderful parent he is, I am angry that I do not get the honor of being a wonderful mother. I'm frustrated that he gets to go home to a brand new baby, whereas every day I must face the never-ending complaints of older adults who are never grateful for anything I do for them.