How Has Your Nursing Career Affected Your Relationships Or Other Aspects of Your Life?

[SilverBells]

I've been thinking lately about my nursing career and where things are going for me. Right now, I'm finishing up my Master's Degree and am being encouraged by others in my life to pursue a doctorate degree. The more I think about it, the more I'm interested.  

However, I also can't help but wonder how my focus on my career and schooling is impacting other areas of my life, such as home ownership and possible marriage and parenthood. While I have no doubt that I'll eventually be able to purchase some type of home that I can both reasonably afford and be satisfied with, I do question how much pursuing additional degrees or continuing my current career path may interfere with marrying or becoming a mother. Frankly, I want it all...education, career, marriage, and children. I'm just not convinced that all of that will end up working out.  

The other day, I saw that a former boyfriend of mine just became a father with another woman. His newborn son is absolutely adorable and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that this baby is not mine as well. We stopped dating about two years ago when I started pursuing my Master's Degree because I wanted to pursue further education at the time and he wanted to start a family right away. He didn't want to wait for me to finish schooling, and I wasn't sure how time consuming my degree would be. I can't help but feel some regret for my decision. Maybe if I would have held off on schooling or just put it aside together, I would be the mother of that baby, not another lady.  Maybe I'd be married by now. The breakup between my former boyfriend and I was mutual, but it still made me sad to see him with another woman.  I regret that I wasn't the person to give him what he wanted.  

The thing is, I'm intrigued by additional education. I absolutely love going to school and would probably go forever if I could. At the same time, I can't help but feel remorseful in regards to what this means for other aspects of my life. Because honestly, as a nurse manager, I work 16-20 hour shifts Monday through Friday, and on the weekends, I complete school work, so there's really not time for dating, marriage or babies. I just wonder how much I'm going to regret this lifestyle. I'm already 30 years old, so really only have about 5-10 more years where I would be able to have any biological children.   

But at the same time, do I hold off on education for a marriage that isn't in the nearby future and children that don't exist and may never exist? My schedule right now is actually perfect for continuing on from my master's to my doctorate. 

Has anyone else ever felt that their nursing career may be impacting other areas of their life? Any regrets? 

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

3 hours ago, hppygr8ful said:

but I caution you to consider that maining a marriage and family can be insanely hard work at times and you need to be able to make the relationship a priority

I am someone that heard those words earlier in my life and didn't really take them to heart as much as I should have. Now I've gotten to the point where I don't even have the energy to care anymore. My biggest failure in my life is the one relationship that I chose and just assumed it would last forever. 

[turtlesRcool]

On 2/18/2021 at 4:07 PM, brandy1017 said:

Your current job doesn't sound sustainable or enjoyable.  When do you sleep with the ridiculously long hours?  You've mentioned being unhappy with it before so I would plan to find a better job where you can simply work 40 hours or less.

I don't really understand how it would be possible to work 16-20 hours a day, 5 days in a row.  That's getting in at 7am, and leaving between 11pm and 3am.  Factor in commute, and you'd not be able to sleep more than 2-6 hours a night, which is not good for your body or your executive function.

Either your employer is taking advantage of you by requiring all those hours, or you are not drawing effective boundaries and delegating appropriately. The nurse managers at my hospital usually work 8-9 hours per day, five days per week.  Working 100 hours in a 5-day period is neither healthy nor safe. I urge you to consider how you can work fewer hours. You may find you are actually more productive if you have more downtime.

[LibraNurse27, BSN, RN]

My manager in the hospital often worked from 6/7 AM until 5-8PM in the hospital and then often did more work at home. On weekends she would check in multiple times per shift about staffing, difficult pts, etc. She would come in on weekends when we were short and help with pt care. Of course we appreciated the help, but she was (is) super burned out and would sometimes have to go on medical leave.

In some ways she was a great manager because of how much she cares about staff and pts, but the effects on her personal life were not good. She never talked about her personal life but one person close to her let us know she stayed in an abusive relationship because she worked so much she didn't have time to deal with it. She also regrets not spending more time with her kids or finding a new relationship after her divorce. I've never heard of her spending time with friends, only working and walking her dog. She tried to empower us to handle issues on our own, but night and weekend charge nurses knew she would always pick up the phone... so she called. I hope you don't continue on this path and end up in a similar situation. There is still time to turn things around! Especially if you want marriage/kids/friends... and a life! 

[RN1485, BSN]

When I first read the title of your post, I thought well my friends send me pics of their surgeries or wounds or ask for medical advice LOL. I have this internal conflict because, at times, it seems I have no peace and I’m not living in the moment, but the future. I’m always trying to find new nursing career opportunities to pursue. I like continuously learning and obtaining certifications. I’ve never not had a goal in my mind that I was working towards. I’m married, but I decided not to have kids. It’s just not something I wanted to do or was passionate about. Some people are driven to be just a mother or father. Some people are driven to have both, but I do think one supersedes the other and maybe even flip at different times of life. Some people only want to focus on their career. I knew if I had kids, they would take a back seat to my career goals and aspirations. Not really fair to them or me. 

[NeedCoffeeStat, BSN]

I am a bit older than you (early 40s) and not as motivated to pursue further education, but the way I have been thinking about things is lately is: when I die, how do I want to be remembered? I've come across this line of thinking because my relationship with my fiance suffered tremendously due to covid-19. I put my job ahead of my mental and physical health for the past year and am now starting to recover. Thanks to therapy and many hard conversations, I have taken a step back and realized that it is okay to define myself as something other than a nurse. My career does not "care" about me in the same way that I have cared about it. When you think of yourself, how do you want to define yourself? What do you want to be remembered for? 

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

5 minutes ago, NeedCoffeeStat said:

I am a bit older than you (early 40s) and not as motivated to pursue further education, but the way I have been thinking about things is lately is: when I die, how do I want to be remembered? I've come across this line of thinking because my relationship with my fiance suffered tremendously due to covid-19. I put my job ahead of my mental and physical health for the past year and am now starting to recover. Thanks to therapy and many hard conversations, I have taken a step back and realized that it is okay to define myself as something other than a nurse. My career does not "care" about me in the same way that I have cared about it. When you think of yourself, how do you want to define yourself? What do you want to be remembered for? 

I'm glad you are starting to put yourself and your health and relationships first!  Self care is so important.  Relationships matter more than the work identity of being a nurse.  Hope your fiance has been hanging in there.  I think this past year has been the hardest as a nurse between covid and the terrible staffing and unsafe working conditions so many of us faced.  Wish you all the best.  I hope things will turn around this year for patients, families and all healthcare workers!

[Davey Do]

On my deathbed, my last words will probably be something like, "Gee, I wished I would have spent more time in futile endeavors to please others who really didn't care a rat's butt about me!"

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

2 hours ago, NeedCoffeeStat said:

I am a bit older than you (early 40s) and not as motivated to pursue further education, but the way I have been thinking about things is lately is: when I die, how do I want to be remembered? I've come across this line of thinking because my relationship with my fiance suffered tremendously due to covid-19. I put my job ahead of my mental and physical health for the past year and am now starting to recover. Thanks to therapy and many hard conversations, I have taken a step back and realized that it is okay to define myself as something other than a nurse. My career does not "care" about me in the same way that I have cared about it. When you think of yourself, how do you want to define yourself? What do you want to be remembered for? 

I have been through a similar exercise in the past year. I have to be careful of my mental state as I struggle with anxiety, depression and 3 auto-immune conditions. I have taken a month off work (Going back Monday) and have been planting (Something that always brings me joy) working onmy house and exercising daily. I hope/no plan to continue to do engage in these activities when I return to work.

Hppy

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

Another option is to get some management experience at the nursing home and then move on to an assisted living.  I know someone who did that and is much happier at the assisted living place.

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

Nobody ever said on their death bed "I wish I had spent more time at work."  Work and education can be fulfilling but they should not consume your life to the point of neglecting everything else unless work and education truly are your passion and nothing else is as important to you. And that's OK if that is the case, not everybody has as life goal to get married and have children. 

It sounds like you have regrets though about the loss of a former relationship and the potential for a family with him you gave up for your education.  That mutual decision you made to separate sounds like the right decision at the time. If you were not able to or willing to devote the time and effort to the relationship that it needed to flourish he wasn't the right life partner for you.  

However if finding that life partner is a personal goal you are going to have to make some decisions about what your priorities truly are and have a plan to reach those goals. You are not going to meet somebody much less have the time to develop a relationship working 16-20 hours a day. I doubt you have time to devote to your educational goals much less your personal life goals working that many hours. 

I'm sure you've heard it before but it is important enough it bears repeating. It's time for you to start seeing somebody that can help you prioritize your goals and develop a sustainable plan to reach them.  Make an appointment with a counselor, that one on one attention to your needs will be much more beneficial to you than the varied opinions of people on the internet.  While you may find the opinions you find here helpful to an extent  they are no substitution for a professional who's job is to help guide you in the direction that is ultimately right for you. 

[SilverBells, BSN]

The more I learn about my former boyfriend's new girlfriend/possible wife, the more I resent her.  We have similarities but she is clearly a much better version of me.   She is a postpartum nurse at a hospital that I've always wanted to work for.   Also has a history of working in the ED.   I'll be honest and say that I didn't excel in either of those areas of nursing during clinicals.   And as a nurse, I've worked nowhere except LTC/SNF.   She already has a master's degree, whereas I am still working on mine.  She must be very smart if she obtained one in Nursing Informatics.    Additionally, she also works as a nursing instructor, which is a job I strongly envy as I'd love to be a teacher at some point.  She teaches maternal/newborn nursing, which is a topic you would not want me to present on because, as I mentioned, I did not excel on in nursing school (in fact, it was all I could do to pass the class).    In other words, this girl and I have similarities, but he clearly won the lottery by picking her. 

[SilverBells, BSN]

I do wonder if their relationship has been more successful because they are only 3  years of age apart whereas we had an 11 year age difference.  Regardless, it doesn't negate the fact that she is more successful in relationships, her career and as a mother.