After 2 years of being a SAHM I went back to work PRN.
My husband was very supportive of me going back and making money even though it means him picking up more slack with the toddler.
We survived my 5 day a week day shift orientation week, though he was tired and complained a little about how much I was working.
Now I'm still on orientation, doing about 2 night shifts a week. Will only orient for another few shifts and then will probably drop down to weekly and honestly looks like I may be canceled a lot because of low census. Ok with me.
I do NOT like nights.
And I thought dh would like it better since it's less waking hours with our son, but he's complaining more.
I've asked him to let me sleep in the morning before a shift.
Then he has him 2 hours before bedtime. Then the next day so I can sleep. Basically up until he puts him down for afternoon nap then I wake up when my son does.
We've had major fights the past two mornings when I've come home EXHAUSTED and have asked him to please not come in the room when I'm sleeping.
he acts like this is a big burden and he should be able to come in the bedroom if he needs something and I can't just shut him out all day.
He just doesn't get it!!
It would be easier if he went to work all day, but he works from home.
I've gotten my sleep the past two shifts but had to fight for it.
I worked night shift for about 14 years when our children were small. I worked mostly weekends so my husband was home to watch the kids. It worked for us, he understood that I needed my sleep, and he took care of the kids, period. We agreed to do this to keep our children out of day care and it has paid off tremendously. It is hard to get use to night shift, but if you are going to do it PRN you can plan around what shift you will be working. I use to have an early dinner and then would go to work. He would do the baths, get them to bed etc. He never bothered me when I was sleeping. It can be done, but it does take some sacrifice. I can understand why your hubby may be having a difficult time when he works from home. However, does he need to do a full 8 hours every day? Can he break up his work tasks so that he has time to take care of the toddler? He needs to try to re-figure his work hours around yours and the needs of the toddler. This may be part of the problem, he needs to adjust his schedule also. He should show his support by letting you sleep when you need to after working at night. He needs to re-adjust his needs and they may have to be below yours when you are working. Give it some time for everyone to adjust. Then establish some ground rules for when you are working. Good Luck!!!
Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.
No nurse needs that. What does he want you to do, be sleep deprived, then make a serious nursing error and lose your license? He's a parent too, whether this child is biologically his or not isn't the point.
Put your foot down about sleep, and him assuming some responsibility for the child for a change. Men these days don't just
work anymore and then come home to letting their wife handle everything; they're expected to be active partners and parents as well.
It is pretty normal to have these issues so I wouldn't consider it a marriage-breaker.
You said you don't need to work and are financially ok. Have you considered waiting until your child is in 1st grade? Then working when he is at school?
Your kiddo needs his daddy and his mommy - that is more important than a job. I hope you try to focus on what is best for your child. And then you and your husband work from there.
I disagree that it's normal for a husband to completely disregard his wife's need to sleep because he wants a shower right now or to complain about having to take care of his own child.
I understand your need to sleep but it would be hard if your husband worked from home and couldn't enter a certain room of the house (that he may need stuff from) for the entire day while you're sleeping. Are you that light of a sleeper? Can you wear ear plugs? Is there another room (like a guest room) that he doesn't need to enter that can be your sleep sanctuary?
I'm a night shifter too. And people in my home (for the most part) respect Mommy's need to sleep. But if my husband jumps into the shower in the adjacent bathroom, or even opens the bedroom door to come in, it doesn't wake me. If it did, I'd work on how I can get my sleep while he can still get done what he needs to get done, and that includes not having to wait for a shower if he really needs one because you're asleep.
I understand your need to sleep but it would be hard if your husband worked from home and couldn't enter a certain room of the house (that he may need stuff from) for the entire day while you're sleeping. Are you that light of a sleeper? Can you wear ear plugs? Is there another room (like a guest room) that he doesn't need to enter that can be your sleep sanctuary?
I'm a night shifter too. And people in my home (for the most part) respect Mommy's need to sleep. But if my husband jumps into the shower in the adjacent bathroom, or even opens the bedroom door to come in, it doesn't wake me. If it did, I'd work on how I can get my sleep while he can still get done what he needs to get done, and that includes not having to wait for a shower if he really needs one because you're asleep.
Is there no way a husband can handle staying out of the bedroom while she sleeps? My husband, who also works from home, has managed to keep the house quiet with two puppies and a first grader while I have worked nights. We don't have anything in the bedroom that he can't do without for that period of time, and anything he needs, he will take out ahead of time. If he needed to shower, he'd plan it around when I'm sleeping, or shower in the bathroom that's not adjacent to the bedroom. Yes, it wakes me up if he opens the door. It's an old house, and the door sticks.
Give both of yourselves a break, these changes and adjustments are hard. Unless he's usually self centered (a bigger issue) I wouldn't a lot of weight to the first week of night shift with a toddler.
i went back to work when my youngest was 2 and my ex (this is not what we split up over) was losing more money running the kids to all of their practices and I was missing out. And this was a great day job. The timing just wasn't there. I COULD HAVE kept working and he could have lost approximately what I was making if I wanted it that bad but I didn't. I quit (of my own accord) and waited to go back to work.
Looking back, those years go by fast, there are decades left to work, and family stability is the greatest thing you can give your kid. Doesn't mean you should give up work if that's what you want and need to do, but if you don't really need the money, hold out for something that's less stressful and more family friendly. Your little one is about ready for preschool, I'd hold out for something that coincided with that sort of schedule. Seems you can afford to picky and with your relationship at stake, I would take advantage of that.
And continiung talking and treating each other like best friends.
I disagree that it's normal for a husband to completely disregard his wife's need to sleep because he wants a shower right now or to complain about having to take care of his own child.
I merely meant that it is normal for this kind of problem to crop up in marriages. When couples work opposite shifts and have children, it is normal for there to be challenges.
I know many doctors who during their internships had so much call time plus regular shifts that they were exhausted and somehow had to find a way to sleep even though they had kids and spouse. It was a challenge but not something that should end a marriage. I was referring to the title of this thread "Don't think my marriage will survive night shift" when I mentioned that I didn't think this was something to end a marriage over.
I'm on nights and have a handful of kids. Spouse works from home several days a week. What's working for us is that before I get home, he gets the shower or he moves his needed items to another bathroom/bedroom. Most houses have more than one shower in them, so OP's husband probably isn't limited to just one option. My spouse also has the bed ready and gets the kids off to all their respective destinations in the morning. I'm up by the time the first kid comes home, but our youngest is only on half-days, so the morning routine is what's a challenge. We're going to look into daycare soon.
Shift work shouldn't ruin an otherwise working marriage. Choose the job and marriage together by getting a daycare option or else talk the spouse into respecting your space/time by using another bedroom/bathroom/etc. Otherwise, choose the marriage and wait till the kid is in school full time. The job is just an option -- the kid is forever and deserves stability if this is just too much for the marriage to handle. Just my 2 cents.
resqbug
78 Posts
I would give him the options 1.) Respect your space when you need to sleep, or b.) You will get a hotel room to sleep off your shift