Don't think my marriage will survive night shift

[adpiRN]

After 2 years of being a SAHM I went back to work PRN.

My husband was very supportive of me going back and making money even though it means him picking up more slack with the toddler.

We survived my 5 day a week day shift orientation week, though he was tired and complained a little about how much I was working.

Now I'm still on orientation, doing about 2 night shifts a week. Will only orient for another few shifts and then will probably drop down to weekly and honestly looks like I may be canceled a lot because of low census. Ok with me.

I do NOT like nights.

And I thought dh would like it better since it's less waking hours with our son, but he's complaining more.

I've asked him to let me sleep in the morning before a shift.

Then he has him 2 hours before bedtime. Then the next day so I can sleep. Basically up until he puts him down for afternoon nap then I wake up when my son does.

We've had major fights the past two mornings when I've come home EXHAUSTED and have asked him to please not come in the room when I'm sleeping.

he acts like this is a big burden and he should be able to come in the bedroom if he needs something and I can't just shut him out all day.

He just doesn't get it!!

It would be easier if he went to work all day, but he works from home.

I've gotten my sleep the past two shifts but had to fight for it.

It's not worth it.

[adpiRN]

His response when we were fighting is I should quit.

Seems dramatic.

But I am wondering if I should tell them that nights isn't working and I need to go to days.

They may not be happy and could just let me go since I was technically hired for nights.

I hadn't done nights since 2010 but thought I'd give it a shot.

Don't think it's working for us.

I NEED sleep. And I think it will be easier for my family if I'm just GONE during the day instead of trying to sleep upstairs.

[adpiRN]

PS I'm looking into other day shift PRN jobs.

I like this hopsital and unit and was planning to stay awhile.

Then maybe after I get another day shift job, play hard ball about nights, after working it for a few months.

But I'm thinking I may need to do that sooner & be willing to walk away & be jobless.

We don't NEED the money, but it was nice and I was excited to get back into nursing again after a 2 year break.

One month at a PRN job wouldn't look great on my résumé....

[ceccia]

I think you'll be okay, actually. :) the past week or two has been rough because you've been working everyday on orientation! you said you'll probably work ~ 1 shift a week after you're off of orientation, and that will be worlds different from working everyday (or even multiple times per week).

your husband should absolutely be willing and able to care for his son one morning a week while you sleep after your shift.

i can understand his frustration at having to look after the kid every day until naptime, if that is supposed to be his work time. it is hard to be self employed working from home because people don't realize you need to be on a schedule and you need un-interrupted time. if i had a dollar for every time someone didn't respect my need for consistent work time, and assumed i would be available to do whatever on a moment's notice because "you can just work later /anytime since you work from home", i'd be lounging on a beach on my own tropical island right now.

but there is a massive difference between five days a week and one day a week. if your husband isn't willing to let you sleep un-interrupted and watch the kid once a week then he is selfish.

there is always the option of having a babysitter for a few hours during the day if you are trying to sleep and he needs to work.

[RNsRWe, ASN, RN]

I'm wondering how your husband is going to handle your working Christmas Eve, Day, New Year's, Thanksgiving, etc etc? My honest reaction, developed maybe halfway through what you were writing, was that your husband is likely to come up with MANY reasons why you shouldn't be working. He clearly does not like "picking up the slack" in caring for your toddler (I assume this is HIS kid, too, right?). Something tells me that given his reaction to what's already transpired, it's just a matter of time before something else upsets him: you'll be working weekends ("WHAT? *I* have to watch the kid all weekend while you're working?"), you'll be working holidays ("You need to tell them you can't, your family needs you"). You'll be called in on short notice ("I have plans tonight, YOU figure out what to do with Baby").

Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, I can't know for sure, but based on the info you have provided, this is the feeling I get. I suspect whatever shifts you work will be "problematic".

Good luck to you!!

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

Night shift per se is NOT your problem.

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

It sounds like your husband wants you to work shifts that work for him. That isn't realistic with nursing. If you honestly think this is going to end your marriage you should quit and start counseling as it sounds like your husband needs to understand he needs to support you as well. To me spending with your child isn't babysitting them, it's called being a parent. My hubby is a SAHD and he loves it! Yes there are tough days, but he wants to spend time with his child. Sometimes we lose sight of what's really important.

[adpiRN]

He's been watching our son fine with minimal complaint.

The big fight this AM was because I asked him to please not come in the bedroom all day while I slept and he acted like that was unreasonable of me to ask.

That's a legit request when coming off a night shift right??

He was being selfish and not very empathetic.

He hadn't showered yet that morning and was planning to do it after I went to bed. NO.

We need to sit down and talk about this when I'm not totally sleep deprived.

I know our marriage isn't perfect and we've been in counseling.

He wanted me to go back to work and was very excited when I got the job.

It's disappointing that he's not being very supportive of my schedule.

[Yuppers21]

Try and talk about the specific problem when both of you are rested and calm. You will be doing this one night a week soon and then I think the problem will seem much easier to handle. It's not unreasonable to let your husband know that you need uninterrupted sleep but I can see where he might be stressed with the new responsibility of watching a toddler while trying to work from home and now can't take a shower when it fits into his schedule (like when your son is taking a nap?) so must go without. It's a change for everyone. Give it time to work.

[caliotter3]

My husband and I were in the military. I worked shifts. He did the same thing to me. When I worked at night and needed to sleep in the day he thought I should spend the day cleaning and cooking so that he came home to a nice meal. Who cares if I had my military duties. Everything revolved around him and his career. We had our times. I am surprised we managed to stay married.

While I do not advise that you ignore him, I do advise that you think about things and do what is right for you. In the end, you will need to deal with the consequences of always stepping back and never doing what you need to do. Jobs in hospitals are not that easy to get. I would not walk away from this one unless absolutely necessary. Good luck.

[SoaringOwl]

He sounds like a selfish jerk. If I were you, I'd suggest hiring a nanny, and see if the loss of $$$ evokes a change in his attitude. How can you work all night and not be given time to sleep the next morning? Perhaps a shower when he's trying to sleep will learn him.

[iPink, BSN, RN]

The big fight this AM was because I asked him to please not come in the bedroom all day while I slept and he acted like that was unreasonable of me to ask.

You do realize that big fight stemmed from something else?

You both need to sit down and discuss you working, etc because you want to make sure your marriage can survive period.

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