Words you never dreamed you would say as a nurse...

Nurses General Nursing

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I had a really odd night. As many of you know, I work inpatient hospice. I never tell my patients no. Ok, well, hardly, had to pass on the oral sex request tonight.:chuckle Anyway, as I said these words to my alcoholic patient who was complaining of pain, I just couldn't believe it....Ready?

Um, no, lets wash down your morphine with the coffee tonight, not the beer. Save that for later.

When in nursing school, I couldn't have imagined serving beer with a morphine chaser, but hey. To each his own.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

years ago, i was working with an agency nurse named carol who firmly believed that volume could conquer any language barrier, and if that didn't do it, profanity would. the id attending had just won a prestigious award of some kind, and there was a news crew following him around as he made his rounds. dr. shiningstar and the news crew came off the elevator just in time to hear carol asking the patient for the fifth time, volume increasing each time, "do you have to poop, senor? do you have to s**+?"

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i said "dam". yes, i know that's not how you spell the bad word. as in "dam it, mrs. benson! will you please stop grabbing me with those poopy hands!" mrs. benson, elderly and demented, would fingerpaint in poop then grab me as soon as i'd approach the bed. i couldn't believe i'd actually said it; it just popped out. oddly enough, however, i shocked her so badly she stopped grabbing me for long enough to clean her up for the seventh time that night."

i've also said a four letter word that starts in s and ends in t. as in "oh, s***! that's v fib!" (a study done years ago with patients who have survived their codes revealed that for the majority of them, the last thing they remember before they lost consciousness was their nurse exclaiming "oh, s***

well, i'm betting some pts have heard lots worse, as the code team arrived!:redpinkhe

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While I was doing my CNA clinicals - I worked with an elderly pt. with dementia. One day he proposed to me - he said "Honey - I will be the best you ever had!" (Did I mention he was 96?) So, I shook my head and said no - and gave a list of logical professional reasons.

Well he became very agitated and kept proposing and then suddenly he ripped the tops 4 buttons of my uniform open (we had to wear a white button down scrub top) - thankfully I had a tank top underneath. He was sorely disappointed and said something along the lines of - what you dont believe in relations before marriage.... I calmly said "I have to admit something - I am already married, I am sorry." He grinned at me and said the "The bas***d beat me to ya did he?!?" He unhanded me at that point and I was able to leave- but as I walked to the door - buttoning my shirt- I saw my instructor their stiffling a giggle. She said "Good job handling the assault." We had a good laugh.

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Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.
i said "dam". yes, i know that's not how you spell the bad word. as in "dam it, mrs. benson! will you please stop grabbing me with those poopy hands!" mrs. benson, elderly and demented, would fingerpaint in poop then grab me as soon as i'd approach the bed. i couldn't believe i'd actually said it; it just popped out. oddly enough, however, i shocked her so badly she stopped grabbing me for long enough to clean her up for the seventh time that night."

i've also said a four letter word that starts in s and ends in t. as in "oh, s***! that's v fib!" (a study done years ago with patients who have survived their codes revealed that for the majority of them, the last thing they remember before they lost consciousness was their nurse exclaiming "oh, s***!"

ruby,

i just spit iced tea all over ulysses, the cat sleeping on my lap. :eek:

i think we're both in a bunch of trouble!!

kathy

sharpeimom:paw::paw:

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I had an elderly veteran for a pt a while back. He used military terminology for everything. He was a bit confused, but understood better when we followed his lead and used military words.

Apparently, a urinal is referred to as a "duck" in the Army. At least it was in the old days.

I could not believe my own ears when I heard myself say "Here, Mr. Jones. Put your member in the duck."

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When I was in school, my instructor told us that urinals in WWII were called ducks because they were actually shaped like ducks. IF you can find an image of an old metal urinal you will see what I am talking about!

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Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.
i had an elderly veteran for a pt a while back. he used military terminology for everything. he was a bit confused, but understood better when we followed his lead and used military words.

apparently, a urinal is referred to as a "duck" in the army. at least it was in the old days.

i could not believe my own ears when i heard myself say "here, mr. jones. put your member in the duck."

as a student doing a rotation at the va hospital, my very elderly, somewhat senile, but utterly delightful

patient told me he had to go to the head. me: "the head of what, sir?"

kathy

sharpeimom:paw::paw:

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I had an elderly veteran for a pt a while back. He used military terminology for everything. He was a bit confused, but understood better when we followed his lead and used military words.

Apparently, a urinal is referred to as a "duck" in the Army. At least it was in the old days.

I could not believe my own ears when I heard myself say "Here, Mr. Jones. Put your member in the duck."

"Here, Mr. Jones. Put your member in the duck." OMG!! Do you know if you were in France and said that they would think you were talking literally--it is quite the fashion with the elites there (like Hollywood directors)--can anyone say Roman Polanski's favorite pasttime.

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Specializes in Sub Acute Rehab/ Oncology Med-Surg.

"Your wound looks like raw steak."

Never thought I'd compare healing wounds as raw steak! Thankfully, me and the patient had a good relationship, we laughed it off.

Confused Resident at 3am, "I want a banana and milk - I am not going to sleep without a banana and milk!" Repeating over and over.

A/Ox3 patient across the hall call light goes on, "Give him this banana, I can't take his s*** anymore!"

Handed the confused resident a banana.

Confused resident, "Thank you, darling."

Slept the rest of the night.

Patient: "Somebody going to come in here please, I am going to put myself on the floor!" This patient was dying of cancer, I tried to give her as much TLC as much as I could, but I had 19 other patients to care for. She did this frequently, and one day I lost it and said, "LET ME HELP YOU PUT YOURSELF ON THE FLOOR." She looked at me like a deer in headlights, she stopped screaming for the rest of that night, started up again next day.. ah.

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Specializes in Psychiatric.

Some of my more memorable ones:

"How in the H*** did you get a razor blade in your lady parts without cutting yourself?"--said to a suicidal/borderline psych admit who was being admitted to our unit on a hold...she announced proudly after 15 minutes on our unit 'Well, you searched me but you didn't find EVERYTHING...' We did manage to get her to fess up by telling her that she would be confined to seclusion until she cooperated. It was wrapped in plastic wrap and duct tape.:eek:

I also had a VERY delusional and paranoid patient who ended up staying with us for well over a month after he was brought to the unit by the police after a scuffle that ended when he was maced by them for pulling out a sword (yes, a SWORD) and threatening them with it...he would disrupt groups so much that, while he was there, I would pull him out of the dayroom and walk him up and down the hall and chat with him so the others could have group...He would tell me stuff like 'If you weren't a North Korean spy and I wasn't crazy, we could make beautiful babies' and 'Didn't anybody ever tell you that your eyes were exactly the same shape as a North Korean?' Every night I told him 'No, I am not a North Korean spy...no, we can't get married....no, CNN isn't spying on us'...We also had to do a takedown/seclusion on him which resulted in him calling my unit manager a 'fat space monkey'...he sang it to her for hours!!!:D

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ROFL - fat space monkey!!! That is hilarious!

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Specializes in Corrections, Cardiac, Hospice.

One thing is for sure, nursing is never boring! Thanks for sharing everyone and thanks for all the laughs!

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