Words you never dreamed you would say as a nurse...

[ShayRN]

I had a really odd night. As many of you know, I work inpatient hospice. I never tell my patients no. Ok, well, hardly, had to pass on the oral sex request tonight.:chuckle Anyway, as I said these words to my alcoholic patient who was complaining of pain, I just couldn't believe it....Ready?

Um, no, lets wash down your morphine with the coffee tonight, not the beer. Save that for later.

When in nursing school, I couldn't have imagined serving beer with a morphine chaser, but hey. To each his own.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i heard myself say "here, mr. jones. put your member in the duck."

ok, i've now spewed my oj all over my screen!

[Bortaz, MSN, RN]

ok, i've now spewed my oj all over my screen!

they let him out?

[tishirajan]

I was taking care of this little lady that only weighed 80lbs soaking wet. She was totally bed ridden but she could flail her arms like a windmill. She had really long fingernails that she kept painted bright red and she was also reallllllly hard of hearing. Well, this little lady had a habit of using her her really long fingernails to literally dig the poo out of her bum. She would have it from one end of the bed to the other and all over herself. I had already been in there twice to clean her up, getting the poo out from under her fingernails and was getting a bit frustrated. I happen to walk past her room and caught her doing the deed and I went in and leaned over the bed and told her to quit doing that. She didn't hear me the first 5 times I told her and finally I said rather loudly, "Ocie!!! Please stop digging yourself out!!!!!!" She looked at me and just grinned that gummy grin and held up her hands and said, "I rather like the brown color of the fingernail polish, don't you?" I just busted out laughing. The nurses at the desk were doubled over when I went to inform the nurse to chart the BM.

Never in a zillion years would I have thought I would have to tell someone to not do that!!!!

[Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN]

While I was doing my CNA clinicals - I worked with an elderly pt. with dementia. One day he proposed to me - he said "Honey - I will be the best you ever had!" (Did I mention he was 96?) So, I shook my head and said no - and gave a list of logical professional reasons.

Well he became very agitated and kept proposing and then suddenly he ripped the tops 4 buttons of my uniform open (we had to wear a white button down scrub top) - thankfully I had a tank top underneath. He was sorely disappointed and said something along the lines of - what you dont believe in relations before marriage.... I calmly said "I have to admit something - I am already married, I am sorry." He grinned at me and said the "The bas***d beat me to ya did he?!?" He unhanded me at that point and I was able to leave- but as I walked to the door - buttoning my shirt- I saw my instructor their stiffling a giggle. She said "Good job handling the assault." We had a good laugh.

Gotta love those tenacious dirty old men!

When I was in nursing school (as a CNA) I was working with an elderly WWII veteran who had a habit of "wooing the ladies", or at least trying to. One particular evening as i was helping him into bed, he in no uncertain terms told me he wanted me to share his bed for the night (believe me I'm really sugar coating it now. ) When I told him that I was married and needed to get home to my husband he looks at me and whispers in my ear "Tell your husband that you're going to be delayed!" I about fell over. Needless to say I got out of there as soon as I could!