Words you never dreamed you would say as a nurse...

[ShayRN]

I had a really odd night. As many of you know, I work inpatient hospice. I never tell my patients no. Ok, well, hardly, had to pass on the oral sex request tonight.:chuckle Anyway, as I said these words to my alcoholic patient who was complaining of pain, I just couldn't believe it....Ready?

Um, no, lets wash down your morphine with the coffee tonight, not the beer. Save that for later.

When in nursing school, I couldn't have imagined serving beer with a morphine chaser, but hey. To each his own.

[country mom]

Had a patient on the med-surg unit who went into DT's and thought his bed was a car. He was sitting up, "driving" and yelling, "someone shut this thing off!". I walked over and made a motion like turning a key and said "click". He told me thanks, calmed down and took a nap.

[wound warrier]

Being a wound care nurse, I seel lots of awful things. I had been treating a lady's leg for a while, and it had taken a turn for the worse. I meant to say to her " The wound is looking funky," but instead the word "f_ _ _ y" came out. I was mortified. I told her how sorry I was, that I meant to say funky. She replied " I think it looks like both of those words you just used!!"

[southernbeegirl, BSN, RN]

i said "dam". yes, i know that's not how you spell the bad word. as in "dam it, mrs. benson! will you please stop grabbing me with those poopy hands!" mrs. benson, elderly and demented, would fingerpaint in poop then grab me as soon as i'd approach the bed. i couldn't believe i'd actually said it; it just popped out. oddly enough, however, i shocked her so badly she stopped grabbing me for long enough to clean her up for the seventh time that night."

i've also said a four letter word that starts in s and ends in t. as in "oh, s***! that's v fib!" (a study done years ago with patients who have survived their codes revealed that for the majority of them, the last thing they remember before they lost consciousness was their nurse exclaiming "oh, s***!"

ruby, dam it! i had ice water in my mouth!

[twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN]

I had a confused woman on our medsurg ward for about 2 months, and she spent the entire 2 months screaming "NO...NO...NO...NOOOOO!"

So we were in cleaning her up one night, when she continued the "NO...NOOOO...NOOOOOO!"

So I told her gently in her ear "Now what's the matter, just say yes" as I was curious if could.

All the whole floor heard was "yes...yeesss...YEEESSSSS...YYYEEEESSSSS!!!!!" So I had to tell her to say no again.

[dizzybee]

I was changing the dressing on a skin tear of my patient who was detoxing from ETOH. He reached over, stuck his finger in the wound and proceeded to then try and stick said dirty finger in his mouth! I pushed the dirty hand away from his mouth, and said "no, that's dirty, don't do that!" He looked at me with a confused look, and I probably returned the same expression to him. :)

[amydayre]

Several years ago we had a new admission to the ER from a local nursing home. The poor old lady was febrile and delerious, and she needed to be changed. While we were changing her, cleaning her up, putting in the foley, taking the temp, she kept hitting, scratching, clawing and pinching myself and my friend, Jackie. Finally Jackie had enough, grabbed the lady's hand and said "No, no ma'am, we don't hit!" Even though it sounded like she was talking to a 4 year old, the little old lady settled down and quit hitting us!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I kind of lost it with a resident just the other night. She's a sundowner anyway, the sort who's perfectly reasonably during the day and street-rat crazy in the evening, but after she screamed "HEEEEEEELLLLLP!!!" nonstop for 90 minutes only because she wanted to know when her dinner was coming, I went in and told her in no uncertain terms to "STOP THAT NOW!" I also told her she was driving everyone insane and that furthermore, her dinner wasn't going to get there any faster just because she kept screaming for it.

Of course, I felt awful for doing it, but she did subside, which gave the other residents and staff members just enough of a break so that we didn't go in en masse and lay a little pillow therapy on her..........:sofahider

[miss81, BSN, RN]

Not really in keeping with the thread but too funny to pass up telling:

Our urologist is the nicest, quietest guy around. He went in to talk to a HARD OF HEARING pt and tell him his test results. We were standing up the hall at the nursing station and we heard (very loudly and drawn out), "Mr. Jones, we have to do an Orchiectomy!"

The patient, not hearing the doctor, replies, "WHAAAAT???"

The Doctor yells, "We need to remove you testicles!"

Again, not understanding the Doc, the patient shouts, "WHAAAAT?"

The Doc shouts, "We have to cut your BALLS OFF!!!"

The pt says, "Oh, why didn't you say that to begin with..."

The poor doc came around the corner, turned blood red when he seen us in fits of laughter!

Too funny...

[missyd1991]

I work in long term care and I had a resident ask me to keep an eye out for her breasts because the ones she had didn't appear to be hers, OMG I wasn't quite sure what to say. LOLOL

[PAERRN20]

I was giving an IM injection and that patient wasn't sure about the thigh muscle so I said "go ahead and drop you pants and underwear and I'll take a look at what you've got!" I wanted to crawl somewhere!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i also had a confused patient that pulled his foley out. he was bleeding a lot so i said (can't believe i said this-it just came out), "i think you broke it" and he responded "honey, it didn't work anyway!"

priceless!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

ruby, dam it! i had ice water in my mouth!

and did it come out your nose?