Words you never dreamed you would say as a nurse...

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Specializes in Corrections, Cardiac, Hospice.

I had a really odd night. As many of you know, I work inpatient hospice. I never tell my patients no. Ok, well, hardly, had to pass on the oral sex request tonight.:chuckle Anyway, as I said these words to my alcoholic patient who was complaining of pain, I just couldn't believe it....Ready?

Um, no, lets wash down your morphine with the coffee tonight, not the beer. Save that for later.

When in nursing school, I couldn't have imagined serving beer with a morphine chaser, but hey. To each his own.

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I work NICU, so mine is more of an action.

I was thinking the other day while changing a baby, hmmm....I went to college 4 years and spent 50K for this degree and I can't believe how hard I scrutinize poop. Anytime a baby has a poop, I have the diaper all up in my face and am assessing it almost as thoroughly as I am assessing my patient.

That's all I have.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

i said "dam". yes, i know that's not how you spell the bad word. as in "dam it, mrs. benson! will you please stop grabbing me with those poopy hands!" mrs. benson, elderly and demented, would fingerpaint in poop then grab me as soon as i'd approach the bed. i couldn't believe i'd actually said it; it just popped out. oddly enough, however, i shocked her so badly she stopped grabbing me for long enough to clean her up for the seventh time that night."

i've also said a four letter word that starts in s and ends in t. as in "oh, s***! that's v fib!" (a study done years ago with patients who have survived their codes revealed that for the majority of them, the last thing they remember before they lost consciousness was their nurse exclaiming "oh, s***!"

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Specializes in cadiac-thoracic post sx.

Well I had a patient who developed an ilues then a bowel obstuction after surgery. His belly was very distended but was hoping he would pass something. So I assisted him to the toliet left him there for a few minutes. I asked him if he had any success he said maybe a little something. So after assisting him back to the bed, I went back to the toliet, so with gloves I stuck my hand in the toliet and moved around the toliet paper to better assess what he had passed. I think it was only mucus. I was telling the morning nurse what I did and chanting "I LOVE MY JOB, I LOVE MY JOB! It wasn't until I saw the doctors facial expression when describing what I did that night that made me feel real dirty. lol. I never thought I would deal so much with poop as a nurse.

Another story that I just think is so funny that I will never forget is when I had this patient who was hard of hearing, dementia, and CHF exaberation. Well I had to get a UA from this patient. So the next time he went to the bathroom, I took the cup to him and tried to explain to him that I need him to clean his member with the wipe and pee in the cup. Well between his confusion and hard of hearing I ended up very loudly telling him several times "YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR member" after about 3 or 4 times I just said forget it. But afterwards the other nurses were laughing asking what I was doing because they heard me all the way down the hall yelling. I laugh everytime I think of that.

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hahahahaha. that's all I can say.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

After having every obscenity known to the English language hurled at me by an elderly dementia resident who was retired army I actually said, "I'm the General of this unit, and what I say goes here. There's no one higher than me. Lay down, and go to sleep, and quit waking up my other residents. If you have an issue with the rules here you can see the Commandant in the morning!" I know I messed up on the rank there, but after he threatened to kill my CNA I had to do something. I also asked a resident if he kissed his wife with that mouth after calling my CNA everything accept the child of God. Tre Thereputic, NO? :D:D:D:D

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Specializes in ..

I had a good laugh at some of these. Thank you!!!

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Specializes in ..

I was feeding an elderly, chair bound dementia resident who was relatively chirpy and totally on another planet. She had snaps into anger that turned into "I love yous" the next minute. The year is 2009. She screams "**** off and come back in the 50s." My reply? "Betty, it's 1952, now eat your custard." She smiled, "oh, well then, if that's the case..." I never thought I'd spent the afternoon pretending it was 1952 for the sake of a bowl of custard!

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Specializes in Adult ICU (All over), NICU, Education.

I had a confused patient that spend half the night saying " Oh Lord, Lordy, Lord". I had a male co-worker call him on the intercom and say "MR...., this is the Lord, please get some sleep" and he did! I also had a confused patient that pulled his foley out. He was bleeding a lot so I said (can't believe I said this-it just came out), "I think you broke it" and he responded "Honey, it didn't work anyway!"

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"did God send you here to test me?"

I said this to an amazingly strong old man who was completely delirious and trying to hurt me.

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Specializes in Med/Surge, Psych, LTC, Home Health.

How about something along the lines of... "Let's go back to your room, and I'll tuck you in. I promise you there aren't any monsters in your room, but I'll leave the bathroom door open for a little while... that will scare them away!" (yes, I work inpatient child psych =))

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Please don't take all five Viagara at once ever again.....said that to a patient once who had done just that. One didn't work, so he thought maybe all five would. How he didn't kill himself, I don't know. And, poor guy, five didn't work any better than one.....

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