Was my professor out of line?

NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN · Mar 26, 2015

She was very inappropriate. I'm guessing she doesn't have a family or is not close with hers if she told you that your family should come after school on the priority list. I am currently going back to school myself and I feel your pain. What I do is make sure that I get all my school work done but also make at least a couple hours a day dedicated to my young child and a couple in the evening with my husband. I am in an accelerated program and work two twelves on the weekends and this seems to allow for a balance. When it comes to time with the family some of it can be as simple as having a meal together when you are not in clinicals/at work. Helping your child with home work or a bath would also be time. It doesn't have to be purely recreational time but at least some during the week should be leisure time with them too. You will find a balance that works with your studies and your family, it just takes some time to find that balance.

As for the religious comment this was way out of line and probably against school policy (almost definitely against school policy unless the school is really screwed up). My family is Catholic. I do not actively practice a religion but am not an atheist either (and if I was it would be none of the school's business either way). No one is carrying a lot of guilt with them in my family and that is a fictitious stereotype about the religion (your instructor must of missed the cultural diversity training in her own program).

I'm sorry you have an ass for an instructor. You'll get through your program. Don't worry about her close minded comments.

lovinglife2015 · Mar 26, 2015

I did not ask for her advice on any of those things I mentioned. I did bad on a test, she said come to my office, and asked me those questions. Also, as I mentioned, school is my priority, but I am not going to put my children lower on my priority list. Never, ever in any situation. As a mother also, I would think she would respect and understand my dilemma. Would you mind keeping the condescending undertones to a minimum? I truly would like honest opinions that can be given in a respectful manner.

What does that even mean? Are your kids in school or daycare? Is your husband pitching in with housework and kids activities? What priorities would you be neglecting by studying? I would view your education as an investment in your family's future and therefore should be viewed on the same level as your familial obligations. Your children will see mommy succeed and depending on their age, probably don't need to be coddled as much as you think.

Just reading between the lines, I'm getting the impression that your husband(not Catholicism) is laying on the guilt. If your husband is not supporting your education and he's not encouraging you to succeed, you probably won't make it.

augurey · Mar 27, 2015

I think the religion comment was inappropriate. I just don't see what religion has to do with it.

As far as the priorities... school has to be a high priority. In order to succeed, it has to be. Though, if you manage your time, you can still make time for your family. It's hard, and you might not get to spend as much time with them, but you make the most of what you can.

I was in classes in the evening, but I still sent my daughter (12 - 18 months old) to daycare all day so I could do homework and study. It killed me only seeing her about half an hour Monday - Thursday. I had all day Friday to study, so I made Friday evenings my family night. On the weekends when I'd be spending the day studying/doing homework, I'd take breaks. During those breaks, I'd spend time playing with my daughter or just spending time with her and my husband.

Obviously there are situations that are emergent and require you to be with your child. I missed an exam to be there with my daughter in the ER. My instructor was great about it. I knew he would be understanding. I never missed his classes and I always earned excellent grades, so he was completely understanding. There are other instructors that really don't care what's going on. If you miss the exam or quiz, you can't make it up. In that situation, I'd be there for the exam and then get back to my daughter (Granted if she were in a life or death situation, I really don't know what I'd do). I had a classmate who missed a quiz because her mother passed away and she refused to let her take it/make it up.

You have to do what you need to do to get through school. It's hard. Very hard especially when you have children. I've cried over the time I've missed out with my daughter. It killed me. I felt like I was neglecting and abandoning her. Whenever I felt that way, I tried to remind myself that she would understand when she's older and she would be grateful for the sacrifices I made for my family. Maybe it'll show her that it's okay for her to make similar sacrifices for her family when she has a family of her own.

It's hard, but you can make school your priority while still making time for your kids or being for them in an emergent situation. It just might not be the amount of time that you or they like, but they will understand some day and will appreciate the sacrifices you've made for them.

anon456, BSN, RN · Mar 27, 2015

Your struggles with balancing family and school are not at all uncommon, and your teacher should have had some better advice for you. I'm sure you are not the first student that has had struggles in this area.

The question about your religion was way, way out of line and in my opinion, reportable.

When I was in nursing school I did have to put my family on the back burner during parts of school. Not always, but if an exam was coming up for example, I would literally leave the family all weekend and study. I have missed important events in the lives of my kids because of clinicals, the most memorable being the kindergarten graduation of one of them.

When the exam was over I would make sure to dedicate an entire day, or at least part of a day, to being 100% with my family to squeeze in some quality time to make up for my being gone so much. We all got through, but it was challenging.

I think a more appropriate bit of advice from your teacher would have been that sometimes you do have to put school in front of your family, but that family is also important (it's why you are working so hard, right?) , and it's a balancing act for sure.

Nursing school does seem to require a lot out of its students compared to other programs. I have a four year degree in something else and it was not nearly as demanding to my life as nursing school.

The good thing was, I did get through it, and my salary is benefitting my family immensely. The kids talk about that time of our lives by being thankful of how hard I worked for them. They don't seem resentful at all. My oldest child is a serious student and told me I was a good example of how hard she sometimes need to study to pass a test.

TeeZee · Mar 27, 2015

Hello! For the first time in my LIFE, something is holding a higher priority in my life than my family. However, I LOVE my family more than nursing school, and always will.

It's not really the kids & husband so much being priority #2, it's our families way of LIFE. Meals are not 2 or 3 course dinners anymore, sometimes they are rushed, boxed, or (blech) take-out, dishes have to get done by THEM if they are going to get done. Laundry piles up for a week at least. The floors and counters don't get daily attention anymore, the bathroom has to be done by the kids now, etc....that is no longer my 1st priority. During ALL that time I can study. Maybe you need to break down what can fall to the wayside. School is 2 jobs (school/clinical, then studying) When are you letting your kids come before school? is there any wiggle room? Is it for sports, school events, weekend fun? Those SHOULD be 2nd priority. It IS possible to have really good quality time with them. You might have to pencil it in your calendar, but you CAN go to the park, the movies, dinner. pencil in a date with your husband every other week. Sometimes quality time is better than rushed got-to-get-studying done time.

Do you have to work during nursing school? If not, there might be a little more room for family time. You might just have to pencil in your 'nursing time' and stick to it.

It might come down to how badly do you want this?

I will always LOVE my family more than ANYTHING in the WORLD....but my husband and 3 kids KNOW how important this is. Priority and love are two different things here for me.

Best of luck.

Dany102 · Mar 27, 2015

Hi kimmyanne02,

I won't bother repeating what's been offered to you so far. No point in beating a death horse. For what it's worth, I think your priorities are in the right order. But the tricky part is to learn to compromise. Have a honest talk with your spouse and see what he can do to support you. If you kids are of appropriate age, they can help with some stuff. Without turning your back on your family life, perhaps identify one or two nights a week as "study nights" and make sure your spouse is there to fill in the gap.

Best of luck to you.

CMBPRN82 · Mar 27, 2015

I would also put my kids first. Her priority is teaching nursing to you so she isn't going to tell you to put your kids first.

Glycerine82, LPN · Mar 27, 2015

I think the catholic comment was a bit much, but aside from someone being on fire or choking, NS needs to come first, *for two years*.

You have to remember that it's not forever, its only temporary. Should your career come before your husband and kids? Absolutely not.

But you have to look at it like by putting NS first, and giving it your all, you ARE putting your family first, because it's for them that you're doing this, right? Now is the time to let hubby pick up the slack and meet your kids needs and in two years you can spoil the crap out of them!

Red Kryptonite · Mar 27, 2015

Here's a dirty little secret: adults with families who return to school shift their priorities all the time, and the kids are not damaged because of it. Many people increase the amount of time they spend on school and decrease the amount of time they spend with spouses and children. It is a temporary shift, and things return to equilibrium once school ends.
Good luck to you.

That doesn't mean we put school above our families. If truly forced to choose tomorrow, I'd drop school like a hot potato (and my average is running over 90% right now, so I have no reason for an out). School is only a couple years, and guess what, would still be there when and if I decided to try again. But if my family truly needed my total focus, they would get it. My family is for LIFE, and my kids only exist because of my choices. Of course they come first.

Red Kryptonite · Mar 27, 2015

kimmyanne02, stop confiding in your professor. She's not your friend and is obviously completely unable to be supportive or appropriate. I'd like to say she could be fired for the religious comment, but anti-Catholicism is one of the last acceptable bigotries and I highly doubt she'd be disciplined.

You need to find someone else to talk things out with. Will you have this professor again after this semester? If not you can just buckle down and get through this the best you can. But if she's going to be a continuing problem, I don't know what to tell you.

allnurses Guide · Mar 27, 2015

If she is treating you differently since your talk it's likely because you misinterpreted what she was probably trying to do, which was to help you stay in school. In other words, her motives were weighted toward your benefit. You short-circuited that by missing the real point and she is disappointed you turned it into a conflict of wills by repeating your answer over and over.

I interpret the Catholic remark as her attempt to lighten up a meeting that went horribly wrong.

If it were me I would probably speak to her again with the goal of working on concrete strategies for improving your academic standing, and find some way of acknowledging the sincerity of her desire to assist you through your struggling phase.

futureRN721 · Mar 27, 2015

I think her first comment about your priorities were not exactly inappropriate. I agree with you, family should always be number one. You shouldn't have to put them second, or lie to your teacher and say that. My husband will always be number one. Nursing school is number 2. With that being said, we have to sacrifice a LOT of time with our family for school. All this time and sacrifice is being spent away from family FOR our family, so family is still number one. So, yes we have to make a lot of sacrifices and spent a lot less time with our family while we focus on school, but that is not necessarily putting your family lower on the priority list.

Asking about your religion is COMPLETELY inappropriate. That would bother me. I wouldn't jump to the chain of command and say anything, because that might just make your time in nursing school worse. I would wait it out. If she keeps treating you differently and asking you weird questions about your religion I would confront her. Tell her how you feel and stand up for yourself. If this doesn't work, then it would be time to talk to someone higher up.

Good luck with everything!