Was my professor out of line?

kimmyanne02 · Mar 28, 2015

Your children will see mommy succeed and depending on their age, probably don't need to be coddled as much as you think.
Just reading between the lines, I'm getting the impression that your husband(not Catholicism) is laying on the guilt. If your husband is not supporting your education and he's not encouraging you to succeed, you probably won't make it.

Wow. Let me address your first comment. I have young children. What's wrong with coddling them? I am there for them all the time and they know it and they are secure, well adjusted kids that I am very proud of. So my "coddling" as you call it must have done some good.

I have to say, your second comment did not sit well with me. I have the most wonderful, supportive, amazing husband that most women could only dream of having. Your assumption could not be farther from the truth and I am extremely offended by your responses.

RescueNinjaKy · Mar 28, 2015

I think Heather really has it with this one. It is all about the balance. You cannot focus entirely on one and not the other. It's about carefully balancing both by using your critical thinking skills depending on the situation. Critical thinking skills and Prioritization will help you on NCLEX :) Also a support system is very important as well. You have to remember that this is not permanent and that it will pass.

Ok for instance, your son, Luke wants to go to the park today, but you have an exam tomorrow or heck maybe you have a class right now. You go Honey, I can't bring you to the park today, Mommy has to study but I promise to bring you after class/exam. Its not the end of the world if you don't bring him to the park today, and you can always make it up to him after the exam or class. Its all about balancing the Needs Vs. the Desires. Is this a need? no, is it a desire, yes. While many parents want to give everything their child wants to them, it is not a necessity. Besides its not healthy to give them everything that they want when they want it. Now the support system can kick in here too, Mommy can't bring you today, but how about Daddy/Grampa/Auntie/Uncle bring you today and mommy will go with you after my exam/class.

Example #2: Your child has a low grade fever (or any other minor illness/injuries) but you have a class/exam in 25 minutes. What do you do? You go to class/you go to take that exam. Support system and delegation again, you ask your husband or significant other or whoever you trust and ask them to bring him to the Doctor's. Its not gonna make a difference if its you or your significant other bringing him. Heck, you can bring him tomorrow if you want, Its a low grade fever, its not life threatening, its not going to have any lasting effects. Not to mention most minor illnesses go away on their own and whether you or anyone else brings him, or if its today or tomorrow that you bring him, its not going to change the outcome. And no one is telling you to ignore your child/abandon him. This is where the balance shifts again. Now after your exam or after your class, you go home, you bring him some chicken noodle soup, some ginger ale, whatever and you sit with him in his room. Comfort him and then crack open your text book and study next to him. You can still be a good mother while you're studying.

Next scenario. Luke now has acute appendicitis or something emergent and you have class or an exam in 25 minutes. You bring him to the ED, because this is an EMERGENCY. Yes school is important but something critical is happening now in your family and you need to be there with them. Call your school and inform them, give them a heads up. Ask the ER doc to give you a letter, then ask them for make up test or excused absence or whatever. Most instructors will be sympathetic when it is a genuine emergency. You might not hear about it because they don't like to talk about it but they really do make exceptions sometimes. Now if they're non budging and unyielding then you go the head of department, go to the Dean, go to Provost. Make a deal like points deducted but they still let you make up the test, or you can make up a clinical day by going to another clinical group one day. Hey, if theyre gonna fail you anyways might as well fight for it. But most programs have a certain amount of allowable absences, and as long as youre thinking critically you should make it through with any luck. A cold is not an emergency, a runny nose is not one either, neither is a slight abrasion or their chorus recital/production of Macbeth.

Now emergencies are certainly a slap in the face and can occur in multitudes. Luke has a broken femur now, Hayley has meningitis and Alex has a detached retina. What do you do? You go and be with them. Yeah you will probably fail that semester but hey youre not going to be able to concentrate on school anyways with some many things going on. The odds of it happening is not likely though as a semester is pretty short. If you have one emergency per semester, then you should be fine but if it does happen in multitudes in the short time frame of one semester you just have to go with what you're dealt. And if you have so much things going on at the same time anyways, it is probably best for everyone if you take that semester off to be with your family.

Nursing school is tough, and so is having a family. But both require commitments and dedication. Think of it as walking on a balance beam while juggling flaming knives. If you focus too much on one youre gonna mess up. You just have to keep teetering on and shift your weight accordingly. But the good news is that when you reach the end of that balance beam, you dont need to do it anymore. And Nursing school is like that. Once you graduate and pass your nclex, you will have a lot more leeway.

I know its easy for me or any other stranger to say this and that without being in the same situation as you, but just evaluate what Ive said and try to adapt that. If you go for any absolutes, chances are youre gonna be screwed in at least one side of the scale. Also I apologize for my vivid imagination as I enjoy a sense of levity in my posts. Good Luck!

kimmyanne02 · Mar 28, 2015

Thank you so much for your positive and encouraging reply. I wish more people on this site were like you. I want honest opinions from people, but there is no need for people to be so disrespectful and just downright mean. I joined this site for encouragement and support from others who understand what I am going through, but I have mostly just gotten negative replies that have made me feel worse than before. I am getting the impression that people in the nursing profession over time become hardened and lose their compassion, which is the very core of nursing! That is something I will always be aware of, because if you don't have compassion and empathy, how can you be a good nurse? I think there are many members of this website that need to re-evaluate their attitudes and remember why they became nurses in the first place. You, however, have been very helpful and I really appreciate the support and encouragement. Thanks again for your advice.

allnurses Guide · Mar 28, 2015

I'm going to be really, really mean right now and suggest the OP wasn't really looking for advice. Personally I find it disrespectful of my feelings to ask for input, followed by many long and thoughtful posts when the goal all along was to defend your position and make the genuine advice you received as an occasion to bash people who's advice you never intended to consider.

Emergent, RN · Mar 28, 2015

There's nothing wrong with deferring nursing school until your young ones are in school. Many people at this site did that, including me. I started back to school when my youngest was 4, and he was 8 when I graduated. I had 4 at the time and a very supportive ex-husband.

If you really start floundering, think about that. As far as being honest all the time, I've learned the hard way that if someone has power over me in life, it's wise to hold my tongue. My tendency to be bluntly honest has not always been a virtue. Humility and deference to authority has a valuable place, especially when it comes to my ability to earn a living.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

I'm going to be really, really mean right now and suggest the OP wasn't really looking for advice. Personally I find it disrespectful of my feelings to ask for input, followed by many long and thoughtful posts when the goal all along was to defend your position and make the genuine advice you received as an occasion to bash people who's advice you never intended to consider.

We must remain cognizant that some people are not truly seeking advice (even if they ask), nor are they wanting opinions that differ from their own.

Sometimes people are simply wanting cheerleaders who will tell them only what they want to hear. Viewpoints that deviate from the person's internal narrative are automatically discounted as disrespectful or non-compassionate.

WookieeRN, BSN, MSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

Thank you so much for your positive and encouraging reply. I wish more people on this site were like you. I want honest opinions from people, but there is no need for people to be so disrespectful and just downright mean. I joined this site for encouragement and support from others who understand what I am going through, but I have mostly just gotten negative replies that have made me feel worse than before. I am getting the impression that people in the nursing profession over time become hardened and lose their compassion, which is the very core of nursing! That is something I will always be aware of, because if you don't have compassion and empathy, how can you be a good nurse? I think there are many members of this website that need to re-evaluate their attitudes and remember why they became nurses in the first place. You, however, have been very helpful and I really appreciate the support and encouragement. Thanks again for your advice.

You said you wanted to be an honest nurse, yet when people give you honest opinions you get upset. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are in the wrong place if you want hand-holding encouragement from every poster here. Just because a poster is honest does not make them lack compassion or empathy. You asked for opinions and people gave them.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

You said you wanted to be an honest nurse, yet when people give you honest opinions you get upset. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are in the wrong place if you want hand-holding encouragement from every poster here. Just because a poster is honest does not make them lack compassion or empathy. You asked for opinions and people gave them.

Coddling is OK for toddlers to a certain extent, but this is where they start to learn limits.

Coddling adults is not usually a good idea; it's often too hard for them to accept that there are limits by then.

You asked for honest opinions, you got them. Here's another.

Skip219, BSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

Hi, about ten years ago I tried to balance full time grad nursing school with family life. My daughter was nine at the time. I withdrew for a year because my grades suffered.

Its important to shift some responsibilities with husband and family if you want to be a nurse. It will be a gigantic feat to be a super mom and great student. It's hard to split your focus between multiple priorities. I ended up feeling guilty too.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

In the work world, you are going to find being stubborn and not receptive to criticism is not going to take you far.

This is a strikingly salient point you have made.

annie.rn · Mar 28, 2015

I once received some advice from a manager when I was a young nurse that I will never forget. I was in the military and someone asked me if I planned to stay in and make a career of it. I said something to the effect of, "I think so but I'm not sure yet. Even though I love the military, if I meet the right person and decide to have kids I'll probably get out." My nurse manager (a Lt. Col.) overheard this and later pulled me aside and gently told me that even if that is my plan, it is something I should not speak out loud in the event I do end up wanting to make the military my career. He went on to say that when opportunities arise that will help advance the careers of young military nurses (i.e., flight school, nurse practitioner programs, officer training in residence) they will not be given to someone who is not 100% committed to becoming career military. That really hit home for me. He wasn't judging me for wanting to have a husband and family someday. He knew I was a good troop and didn't want to see me lose out on opportunities and not become the best nurse I could be.

I think this can easily apply to the civilian world of nursing and nursing school. You know in your heart that your family will always be priority number one but not everyone else needs to know it, especially not your instructors and future managers. I don't think it makes you dishonest. You want to set yourself up for maximum opportunities so that you can become the best nurse you can be. You will be passed up for those growth opportunities if you give others the impression that nursing comes second.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I have two kids and a husband and they are my number one. I just don't advertise that fact to people who find my family an inconvenience to meeting operational goals.

Hope this helps and good luck to you and your family. They are lucky to have you.

MusicMama · Mar 29, 2015

I have read the majority of comments, and don't think it's necessary to repeat what many have said. I just wanted to add that the 'Catholic guilt' comment was probably just a reference to a common stereotype of us Catholics. Particularly with people of an older generation (45+ yr), it was a common comment to make to anyone feeling guilty of anything. "You have some good 'Ole Catholic guilt going on?" Catholic parents, schools, priests, etc, would 'guilt' kids into going to confession. I seriously doubt she meant that part to be demeaning, simply a comment to relate guilt with a Catholic upbringing.

I suspect that I will face similar struggles as you, as I am just entering nursing school and have 4 kids. Lucky for me, I likely WILL have that Catholic guilt going on... lol. :)