Was my professor out of line?

mdemily78 · Mar 27, 2015

It was not out-of-line for her to suggest nursing school be you first priority. It is a hard 2 years that you will have to make hard choices and sacrifices. You have to tell yourself that you are doing for a better future for your family. The comment on religion, however, verges on discrimination and is inappropriate.

bluegeegoo2, LPN · Mar 27, 2015

If your instructor's comments bother you so much you should go to her and ask for clarification. We can speculate and analyze on here all day and will likely never hit on what she really meant or what her goals were with you. Communication is one of our most powerful tools, but one that doesn't seem to be used often enough.

angelofmercy-SD · Mar 27, 2015

I agree with the folks who have a family and re-framed it like this person:

Mar 26 by Alisonisayoshi

I am a wife and a mother, I agree with your instructor. Nursing school is priority one while I'm here. In doing this my children are learning the value of hard work, dedication, and education. My family has come together as a support system for me. My children have become more responsible. My husband has picked up more than his fair share of responsibility as well. All to make my goal number one. My goal is all of our priority really. It's a really short period of time for me and my needs to be the most important thing in our family. But you know what? I figured out I'd been putting myself second for way too long anyhow. It feels amazing to feel like a priority in my own life, and I plan to keep myself a priority long after nursing school is done. I don't need the world on my shoulders, my needs can come first, I'm not a martyr to my family. Putting nursing school first (translation my wants and needs) taught me that taking care of me isn't selfish, it's actually rather necessary.

_Kaneohe · Mar 27, 2015

Kimmy,

First of all, I am so sorry to see the sarcasm in the responses to you. This is not helpful, obviously, and reflects the "dark side" of nursing (characterized by bullying, judgement, lack of support for each other). Also not helpful are the people encouraging you to lie to your instructor, especially when nursing is known to be "the most trusted profession". You were smart enough to get into nursing school and it doesn't mean you will not be an amazing nurse because your family is your #1 priority. You will unlikely be on your own deathbed, one day, wishing you had studied more... you family SHOULD be your #1 priority. That doesn't mean, though, that you are able to be there all the times they want you to right now, which I am sure you fully understand.

Having said all of this, unfortunately your instructor may be an amazing nurse but she doesn't sound like an especially amazing EDUCATOR. You should be able to seek guidance and encouragement from your faculty. If she were encouraging you to tap into spiritual beliefs as a source of support during school that would be one thing... to imply that you carry too much guilt because of some preconceived notion on her part about Catholics is ridiculous. Unless she is a psych NP she has no business speculating on why you feel bad about spending less time with your kids or have "a lot" of guilt.

You have choices to make, as do all of us. Unless you are about ready to flunk out of school the likely "best" choice is to do what you need to do to graduate. Yes, you will miss birthday parties and bedtime stories. That's hard. However, Sometimes getting a "B" because you choose to stop studying and spend an evening with your family is worth it. There is probably a tolerable balance in there, that allows you to finish school and also feel like a good mom.

I wish you all the best and am sorry that our colleagues or future colleagues were not more positive in their responses. There are undoubtedly many, many students who come through your instructor's office who do NOT have what it takes. Their priorities are sports teams or boyfriends or something other than school. If you were consistently performing poorly or she had to seek you out to discuss you test that would be different. She is probably sick of feeling like students are not "giving their all" to the program (and, especially, HER class). I am sure that is frustrating for her. There are other ways to encourage, motivate, and challenge besides being rude, disrespectful, or generally negative... thus the saying that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Good luck at home and school!

augurey · Mar 27, 2015

Oh, and I just want to mention that I found myself switching gears a lot. There were times where I could spend less time on school and spend more time with my family. During those times, I definitely took the time to be with my family, but then things would change and school had to be absolutely first and would spend more time with my studies. I still took the time out when my daughter was sick which took some time out of my studies, but I still managed. So it was just really paying attention to what required my attention most at that time.

As Red Kryptonite said, obviously put in a position to choose one or the other, you choose your family. I would do the same. It's really a balancing act. It's just something that you'll have to try and see what works best for you and your family.

BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN · Mar 27, 2015

Your mistake was TELLING her that your family is number one.

WookieeRN, BSN, MSN, RN · Mar 27, 2015

I think the only inappropriate thing was asking if you were Catholic. That was seriously of left field and not related to the conversation whatsoever.

Are you doing poorly in school? Borderline failure? I'm just wondering the context of why you were talking to your professor about your priorities. Of course she's going to say that nursing school is a #1 priority. She's your instructor. Parents in school need to schedule wisely and if they want to pass or do well, sometimes you have to sacrifice your family for a moment. They won't remember it, but if you fail, they will.

My mom went to nursing school when my brother and I were young. I literally don't remember any of it. She sacrificed a lot of time with us, but we're better off for it.

imenid37 · Mar 27, 2015

It makes me sad that someone should treat you this way. When I went to nursing school right after high school, I had no kids. My grades were better than many of the "adult" students in the class. It made some of them mad. To me, it was no surprise. As a very young adult (AKA recent kid), I did realize a family is a huge priority even at age 18 or 19. I was fortunate enough to be a priority to my own parents. I continued in school for a BSN, right after my ADN. I had two kids by the time I finished at age 25. I did well in school, but wasn't full time. I know I could not have put all my apples in the nursing basket with having the responsibility of children.

As an OB nurse for many years and now venturing into peds a little, I would tell you that you are doing society a huge favour by putting your family as a priority. So many people do not do this. This is why we have crime, mental health issues, substance abuse, and many other issues. A child needs nurturing, not to be on auto pilot. It breaks my heart to see a child with no visitors. It hurts that child 1000 times more. I know people are really busy. I am too.

My daughter was chronically ill for about 8 years. I really wanted to return to graduate school. I sucked it up and worked every weekend. I really enjoyed being a nurse, but I knew where my priorities needed to be. I did not go back to school until she was in high school and doing better. Now she is a nurse too.

You can devise a plan for more effective study. Maybe you need some time alone or to study with a group of other students. Things do happen where there is a situation when you have a family that can disrupt school. It is not smart to raise a spoiled brat who has all of your time and attention, of course. You do not need to go to every school event, game, or be 100% there for every little thing. That isn't what you are talking about. I think you are wanting to be a present and engaged parent who is successfully juggling school and kids. I hope your husband is helping you to make school a very high priority. He is really lucky to be in a relationship raising kids with a like minded person.

I have made a million mistakes in life. I am so lucky that my kids are all adults and all doing well. In May, my last child will graduate from college. Things do happen in life, but kids do not raise themselves. They do not turn out well by accident it takes a lot of work. I'd rather be getting passing grades in nursing school, than getting A's and putting my kids on auto. That instructor is way out of line.

Take no notice of the guilty Catholic stuff (LOL). It kept me out of at least some mischief in high school. Really, though she needs to be careful imparting a trait to a certain group or religion. Just my two "sense", because you do make sense!

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Mar 27, 2015

It's really all about balance. You need to strike that perfect balance. In order to do that you need a strong support system. I can see this both ways. Nursing school needs to be your first priority sometimes. It just does. My family knows that and they fully support me in that. They know there are just days things have to wait. Playdates and me getting to practice just have to take a back seat. Sometimes my son has to entertain himself. There are a few less games of UNO right now, and I can't attend every judo practice and tournament like I used to. My son and my boyfriend both know this is temporary and they give their full support in getting my degree. Today, I had 2 tests and yesterday was a 12 hour clinical day. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday all day studying. And my son is on spring break. So not so much fun for him. We are missing a national competition for judo this April because I have clinical and class. This is the first one we have missed in years but my kiddo understands.

On the other hand, I make sure we do sit and talk every day. One day a week is just for him. My books are put away at the latest 10pm so my boyfriend and I can have "our" time. Just to catch up and talk. On the weekends we may binge watch some Netflix. I can't cook as much right now, but I always have a nice, family dinner on Sundays. We have a date night once a week. Last week I had to visit my son's school and meet with the principal for the third time because my son was having problems with other kids at school. Another child had punched him. At that point, he was my priority. I texted my professor and told her I may be a few minutes late the next morning and told her why. Since we didn't have a test, she said no problem and to take care of my son. She did that because she knows how much of a hard worker I am, I am doing extremely well in her class, I never miss, I am always early, and come prepared. She knows I am a dedicated student as well as a dedicated mother.

You were being stubborn in my opinion. And where did your stubborness get you? It got you an instructor that doesn't think you give a crap about school. You may care very much about school, but you were stubborn with her. She is teaching a real world life experience here. In the work world, you are going to find being stubborn and not receptive to criticism is not going to take you far. Evaluate how much you want this and the work you are willing to put into it. Just some food for thought.

ladybug311k · Mar 28, 2015

In Med Surg 1, I drove to drop my 5yr old daughter off for heart surgery, raced back to crush my final, and then raced back to wait for her to wake up (her dad & my brother stayed there). I didn't allow myself to dwell on the severity of that day until I was done with that final. That's putting school first.

My friend's mom passed, and she pulled it together to pass the test 2 days after finding out, drove for funeral, and got back to pass the final.

My mom gave up a year of her life to come out from 5 states away and help me with the kids (3 little ones) 2nd yr bc I'm a single mom now. Everyone in my house/family KNOWS school comes first, it's either that or this dream is over.

Only the people that are that serious are left in my program. 90 people have failed out for various reasons, but generally bc school was not truly first. @ my school you get 1 class fail, wait 1 yr to come back, get 1 more try and then you can't come back if you fail again.

Catholic comment was unnecessary and not pc. As women/nurtures, it is really hard to make that mental switch so you can be selfish for 2 yrs. My kids celebrate my victories and say "shouldn't you be studying" (even my 3 yr old) if they see me without a book. You're teaching them that reaching for your dreams is not an easy thing, but it will be worth it in the end.

As for what might help :-) Maryanne Hogan big red NCLEX book (we lovingly call it the red bible), Mike Linares on YouTube, and Davis success series are what have helped me survive (7 wks left!!!).

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 28, 2015

Also not helpful are the people encouraging you to lie to your instructor, especially when nursing is known to be "the most trusted profession".

You will not get anywhere in life with blatant, radical honesty. Not only is it socially inept, but people cannot handle the truth, and the most insecure persons will hold you in contempt for it.

Some of our patients end up in that hospital bed due to poor choices in life, but I guarantee you will not have a job for very long if you engage in radical honesty. "You need to stop smoking three packs of ciggies per day if you want to stop ending up here for COPD exacerbation every three months, Mr. Jones. And by the way, we need to give you a shower because you smell like an ashtray."

Go ahead and try radical honesty with your professors, classmates, coworkers, patients and their family members. See where it gets you.

kimmyanne02 · Mar 28, 2015

The remarks about religion were out of line. I don't know what you expected of her reaction to your priorities. There is such a thing as telling a person who has the upper hand what they want to hear or saying as little as possible. Nobody said you have to practice the baloney you tell her. If her demeanor toward you bothers you that much, then, complain about her and see how that improves matters.

So you are suggesting I lie and tell her "baloney" just to appease her? Sorry, but I don't think so. Maybe I'm one of those rare people who believes in honesty. I'm pretty sure that's a very important character trait for a nurse to have, and I'm not going to lie and say what she wants to hear. Sorry, but I intend on being an honest nurse.