Was my professor out of line?

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My professor told me some things during a discussion that has really bothered me and I just wanted to get others' opinions on this. I had a meeting with her because I was struggling in class. She asked me what my priorities are and I said #1 is my husband and kids and #2 is nursing school. She was not happy with my answer and said I need to move nursing up on my priority list, meaning nursing school should come first and not my family. I have 2 young kids and they and my husband will always be number one no matter what, and I told her that. She seemed displeased with my answer and said school will only be 2 years of my life. Anyways, ever since I went against what she thought my priorities should be, she has treated me differently. Should I be putting nursing ahead of my family? Nursing is a very high priority to me, but nothing is more important than being there for my family. I don't know if she started treating me differently because she thinks I don't care or the fact that I did not budge on something I feel very strongly about.

Another thing that has been bothering me. I had a discussion with her about how I was having difficulty balancing my family life with nursing and that I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my kids. After I said that she asked if I was Catholic. I said no, why do you ask. She said she asked that because I seem to carry around a lot guilt. I was really shocked by this. I don't understand why she would ask me about my religion in the first place and how does it have anything to do with being Catholic?! Am I looking at this wrong or were her remarks inappropriate?

Regarding the first part of your query, whether your instructor was out of line in suggesting that your nursing education needed to move up on your priority list: no, she was not out of line. She saw you struggling, she sees that you might not make it....heck, maybe she feels you WILL NOT make it, but believes that you could if you put more time/effort into it. Seems to me if she didn't care about the outcome on your end, there'd be no "come to my office to talk" moment.

You told her that your family was your #1 priority, and that's not unreasonable. It IS unreasonable, however, for you to expect that this response will go over well with an instructor who is making it HER priority to talk with you about how you can improve and whether you'll survive this program.

Everyone makes choices, and you are free to make yours. Just realize that your choice might not result in a good outcome in your coursework. That's simple reality: if you were in law school, you could expect the same conversation. Why should a nursing instructor be more understanding of their curriculum taking a backseat to other things any more than a law professor would?

Regarding the second part of your query, as to whether you were Catholic: I believe she was shooting for a joke ("you seem to carry around a lot of guilt") but it fell flat. No, she shouldn't have 'gone there', but I wouldn't think her evil for saying it. I don't think I would read much into it. And this is coming from a Jew ;)

Your school successes and failures rest with you. In the end, it's YOU who has to get through all of this....or not.

Good luck!

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Specializes in ER.

Remember, if you do become a nurse your employer will also expect you to put your job high on your priority list. That means no excessive absences for your kids, or you will face disciplinary action or possible termination. Remember, we all made sacrifices to become and remain nurses, so don't expect sympathy from us, we are too busy trying to juggle our own lives.

As far as the Catholic comment, I'll bet the bank that your instructor was raised Catholic, that's why she felt free to say that.

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Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

I agree with most of the previous posts. Coincidentally, my colleagues at work were talking about similar problems we are having with a co-worker just the other day. She is so "into her kids" that we can't rely on her to do her fair share of work. She is losing the respect and support from her co-workers. That's bad.

At one point the conversation went like this:

1. I said: "She's totally focused on being a mommy right now -- not on doing a good job. She always puts her family first."

2. Colleague said: "Hey, I'm a mother! I put MY family first!"

3. I said: "Yes, for the big stuff. But you've also told your kids that sometimes, they have to wait because 'mommy has to work now.' She won't do that."

4. Colleague said: "You're right. Thank you for putting it that way. We all value our families, but they need to learn that I have other responsibilities, too."

That lesson might be one you, the nursing student, need to learn. As previous posters have said, being a good mother involves more than just always being there to make cookies and kiss boo-boos. It means setting a good example of a strong work ethic and being successful in school and in the workplace. Kids need those positive examples in their lives, too. Working mothers who tell their kids they have to wait, or make a few sacrifices have been successfully raising kids for generations. If that is something you want to do, then work with your family to help them make the sacrifices they will need to make for you to devote a little more time and attention to school (and eventually, to work). If you choose to not make that investment in your career, then be prepared to face whatever consequences come from making the lesser investment in your career.

As far as the Catholic comment ... I agree that she is probably Catholic, tried to make a joke, and it fell flat. Move on. It's not worth making a fuss over it. You'll be subjected to a low worse out there in the work world. Let it go -- and if you want to be successful in school, show her that you are committed enough to do a good job.

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Specializes in Peds, School Nurse, clinical instructor.

Honestly, it sounds like this might not be the right time for you to be in nursing school. Maybe when your kids are a little older...

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Am I looking at this wrong or were her remarks inappropriate?

I do think her remarks were a bit over the line. However, she might be concerned for you and maybe is one of those people that doesn't express herself well. Maybe she was trying to be funny with the Catholic remark (I thought it was Jewish people who were guilt ridden??). I'm Baptist and get lots of guilt from the family. haha.

I had one of those instructors in nursing school. She was always on me. Picking me apart, giving me the evil eye. I felt she had it in for me. I sucked it up, said nothing and went to her AFTER graduation to ask her about it. She told me she was harder on me because she knew I could do better, that I just needed the extra pressure. Actually, she was right. And that pressure helped me buckle down at a time in school when I thought about quitting.

Anyway, about you. Maybe your instructor sees something? Maybe not. I agree with you about priorities. Since you are married your husband and family should stay number one. But as you've already discovered nursing school is tough. Between class & clinicals, it's really tough. Something has to give if you're going to survive. It might have to be you being super mom. I'm not being harsh, just realistic. You need to call everyone you trust: husband, friends, relatives -- everyone needs to be in your corner to help and support you and your family through this time. Don't feel bad about asking. It will take a huge burden off your shoulders if you have a plan in place for your kids if they are sick and you can't be with them. They will survive (trust me. I've been there).

If you are unwilling to do this, as others have suggested, this might be the wrong time for you to finish school. Most programs have very restrictive policies on absences and tardies for any reason. In my program we lost about 10 people due to excessive absences & tardies (some due to kids being sick, no babysitter, some for their own issues).

As others have suggested you maybe just need to make some temporary adjustments. We've all been there and know it's a huge balancing act. Stay true to yourself, keep your priorities straight and you'll be fine.

Remember this is a short-term problem which will get better as you become more and more confident in your abilities, learn to keep more balls in the air with a smile on your face and a grumble in your mind and, of course, as you finish school. There are my happy nurse platitudes for the day.

Hang in there!

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Specializes in Hospice.

the catholic comment set me back..... But the rest of it, I am thinking maybe what she means is that just temporarily, you need to put school first. In that vein, doing so means making sure there are alternate arrangements for sicknesses in the kids (coughs and colds and not major illnesses obviously), like alternate childcare so you can still make class and clinical. And maybe getting some help with the kids to spend more time studying. Surely she didn't mean that school is "more important" than the well being of your kids or that you love school more than your kids.

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Specializes in Pediatric Hematology/Oncology.

Are you Catholic? Lol, what a weird question -- it smacks of social awkwardness to me.

I guess your prof was inappropriate. It doesn't seem like there was an attempt at a resolution on either side but I think that is sometimes how that goes. Here's the thing, you should probably learn discretion and what it means to be honest when it counts. Would it have really hurt you to say that nursing was your #1 priority? No, it wouldn't have. In fact, it would have at least given the idea that you are really trying and that this is of the utmost importance to you. That really probably should have been the strategy. I mean, I can say nursing is my #1 priority but to someone on the outside, it may not appear that way. But, I make it work out so that it at least looks like way -- but the reality is that I gotta balance it and ultimately, family and nursing share the #1 priority title. I gotta be on board with them so they'll be on board with me.

If the prof is treating you differently because you refuse to budge on your position, then that's how that is going to be. If you're struggling but you are saying something that to them sounds like you have limitations on how much you can give them, then what can they really do for you? They're there to work with you, not you and your family. While this is very dismissive of the prof if true, that's the reality unfortunately. If you can kind of "walk it back" and demonstrate in some way or another that you live and breathe nursing, then that might help.

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Specializes in Emergency, Telemetry, Transplant.
If my child needs me, and it conflicts with school, I choose my child.

If you child is critically ill/injured and in the ER--I think 100% of the people here would say that you should be with you child. (Your instructor would probably agree with this too).

However, there are times when school (and later work) has to be the priority. For example, your child is performing in his/her first play. You have clinical that evening. Guess where you have to be if you want to be successful in school? It's your anniversary. The next day you have an exam. Unfortunately, you are going to have to pass up dinner with your husband. Once on the job--you are scheduled to work a holiday. You attempt to trade with someone, but there are no takers. It stinks, but you will not be there for the family get-together.

In a perfect world, family would always be #1 before school or career; however, it is just not the case. Sacrifices need to be made--and that may have been part of what your instructor was trying to tell you.

(As for the Catholic comment--not really appropriate, but I don't see much of a point in getting worked up about it.)

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I don't know if it's something I'd throw a fit over, but from here on out I would probably avoid her as much as possible. Just keep your head down and get through it.

I certainly don't put nursing school ahead of my family or my sanity. I can live with getting Bs but I don't want to end up divorced at the end... We all must strike a balance.I am wondering if the context is really as you posted though; maybe she meant more along the lines of trying to get your family to be a bit more independent so that you can focus more on school and do better in it?

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Specializes in Mental Health Nursing.

She was out of line when she asked about your religion. That's not her business. But, the priority thing.... well, a little white lie never hurt anyone. If I were you, I would have just told her nursing school was my number 1 priority. Who cares if it is or isn't.

Now here's the kicker. Nursing school SHOULD be your number 1 priority. I think you're taking the priority thing literally. There will be times when you're going to have to choose studying over family time, a school play, or movie night. If any of your kids comes down with a fever and there is no one to stay home, then of course you would have to skip lecture that day. However, if you're skipping lectures or cutting down on study time because you want to be a part of every family activity, you will continue to fail tests.

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Specializes in Critical Care.

I get where you're coming from. My kids are my #1 priority and nothing even comes close to them. I am here for them 100%. That doesn't mean I don't take school very seriously, and it doesn't mean I can't do a good job. I have a husband and family who offer a lot of support and we tackle this as a family. I don't think she was necessarily out of line, but I don't fault you for being annoyed.

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The Catholic thing would have seriously ticked me off.

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