A month ago, I wasn't nervous. I was pretty much just excited. The reality of nursing school didn't start to sink in until I had put in my notice at work, but still, my first day still felt so long away.
My last day of work was 2 days ago. I've given myself 2 days to veg out, get our house and affairs in order. We're going to be poor. It's going to be very hard. This is the only way for us to do this. Next week my daughter will be home from daycare with me. We'll spend my last free week trying to get into a routine.
Now that I'm officially unemployed, I'm terrified. The reality of it all has sunk in finally. I'm a nursing student. Our lives are forever changed from this point on whether I become a nurse or I fail out.
I've read through numerous threads about how hard classes are, how tough clinicals can be, putting in IVs, blowing veins, writing up care plans, etc. As I read, I could feel the blood drain from my face. Self doubt became stronger and more uncontrollable. I've gone to my husband numerous times already and have asked him how I'm going to do this and that I'm going to fail out.
He (kindly) reminds me all the time that I will learn. This is what I'm going to school for. All of my classmates are right there with me, learning with me. I just have to be sure to study hard.
I've since decided that I have control over this. I want this, so I'm going to make this happen. I've realized just how powerful the mind is, how powerful fear is. Fear has the capability to hold us back. Fear has been holding me back for nearly 30 years now. I'm tired of letting fear control my life. I want to reclaim my life and be the person I want to be and the person who I feel I really am.
I have another obstacle to get through though: shyness. During my interview with the director of nursing, I was asked what my weakness was: shyness. I don't feel shyness is necessarily a weakness in general, but in the nursing program, this is my weakness. It's held me back so many times in my life. I've missed out on life because of it.
Now, every opportunity I get, I work to overcome shyness. On my last day of work, I was called into the kitchen where I found all of my coworkers waiting for me. My face turned beat red. I could feel my insides churning. Then I thought, "You're going to be a nurse. Buck up." Suddenly, the way I felt changed. Parts of me were still trembling, but my face no longer glowed a fierce red. I had more confidence. Why shouldn't I?
I'm done sweating the small stuff. I'm done worrying about things that I don't have control over. I'm done worrying about the unknown.
I think back to when I took my TEAS at the beginning of July. I read thread after thread about how hard the TEAS were. I've been out of school for 10 years with less than 2 weeks to study. When I was worried or consumed in self doubt, I was absolutely useless. Once I accepted it is what it is, everything fell into place.
I've realized that confidence and a positive attitude go a long way. I'm now looking ahead to my first day with confidence and excitement.